Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

Well done OP for starting to take back a little of the power.

If she demands to know what you are doing/why you can’t spend time with her, I think you should say something along the lines of:
”well, Susan, I am not sure why I have to justify myself but, just off the top of my head, DH has to take Tom and Dick to football whilst I take Harry to swimming, then we both have to deal with the laundry, ironing and cleaning as we both work during the week. Then Tom has a party and I have Christmas shopping to do plus I have to organise some other Christmas stuff and the cat needs some worming tablets so thats a trip to the vet. So, do you see? The weekends are really busy and I simply do not have the hours and hours to spend with you”

If she gets the hump…well, isnt that a win?

I think you need to take some responsibility too. You’ve allowed this issue to grow and it’s gotten totally out of hand because you keep giving in to demands. Start to have immovable boundaries, when she asks or pressurises tell her you’re having family time or quiet time or pottering. You don’t need to justify or detail, just be clear when you are available to meet with her.

Good start OP!

I really don’t understand why you can’t just say ‘no, thanks, I don’t fancy it’?

That's a great start OP

Excellent @Marmalada80 . And if she starts to complain about it not being the whole day, it might give you the opportunity to point out that this is going to have to be the pattern going forward, because of your increasing family commitments. Your just not as free to see her as you used to be, etc etc

That's good op, you're starting to think differently after considering all these perspectives. That's one of the brilliant things about mumsnet, the group response to a question is like being able to discuss with masses of friends at once.

Once you start thinking differently it's a short step to shifting perspective and feeling differently. Now you're starting to feel angry about what's been happening.

And the way that we behave is driven by how we feel.

So think about what your ideal weekend would look like and focus on making that happen.

Yes, you can just say, ‘I want to spent my time with Dave and the kids’.

Feeling angry seems like the appropriate response tbh op.

It’s pretty outrageous an adult feels under pressure to explain and justify what she’s doing with her free time.

I think you’ve fallen into a mindset of doing things because you’re put under pressure and don’t want to be rude to this friend. But deciding not to comply with someone else’s frankly controlling behaviour is not rude.

Good start OP. She's not your Mum or your boss - she's not entitled to order you around (TBF neither your Mum nor your boss should be either but you get the point!).

Keep saying "no that doesn't work for me. I've already said I need to be back for X time" If she pushes and wants "evidence" then tell her - I'm not going to give you evidence so don't be ridiculous, I have my own life and I don't have to justify to you how I spend my time.

I can’t believe that she monopolises your weekend to such a degree. I’d not be happy if Dh disappeared on day on a regular basis.

Well done @Marmalada80
I love how you’ve stated your boundaries (I’m leaving at X time and we need to be back at Y time)

How did your friend react to that?

"Spending time with my family"

@ThereIsALifeOutThere she has not yet replied to the message about the time we are leaving. When I said about the time I need to be home by, she said ''what are you doing in the evening'' 🙄

My adult DD says 'life admin' when asked by friends and she's got things to do. It covers a multitude of things

Life admin is a good answer! Or “spending time with DH” or “helping DC with homework” or “family film night”

Stay strong @Marmalada80 !

Jesus Christ. I would have snapped "stop fucking interrogating me, Shirley" long ago.

I would recommend that you stop mucking around with "can't" and tell the truth. "I don't want to." "I don't want to go out this weekend, so I'm not going to."

100% this!

You have the patience of a Saint OP!! Can’t believe she was straight into asking your evening plans then!

OP can only handle this as herself, though. And I don’t think she is this kind of person, so I don’t think this will work for her as much as more gradual stepping back.

I was going to say something like this. I think it’s weird when someone can never leave the children with their husband at the weekend … but this is the opposite. Seriously, three Saturdays in a row is ridiculous.

I was in exactly this position a few years ago, single friend was slowly taking over my life (or trying too) if I said no to something she would just keep nagging and telling me how unreal I was. Even wanted me to go househunting with her which I didn't mind on the odd occasion but she was also pushing me to go in the evenings after work. I found myself feeling relieved when she went on holiday because I'd get some respite for a couple of weeks.

I tried many times to get through I couldn't and don't want to be constantly out with her as a surrogate partner, in the end we had a huge argument and she told me she would never speak to me again, I know I should have been sad but I was so happy!!

I like to be home early on a Sunday if I have plans, my reason is .... to get prepared for the week ahead. It's legitimate and covers a multitude of things.

@Lotsofsnacks yup, the first response. There will be further questions yet to come afterwards on what I did that evening.

“After a busy day I just want to relax a bit, get the kids sorted for school Monday and watch a film with DH”….. that’s all I’d say, tbh I wouldn’t even say that because it’s none of her business. What would she say if you said I just want to relax at home for abit?