Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

This would drive me insane.

You need to be blunt: "Janice, I'm already spread thin and cannot socialize with you frequently. And I will not explain or justify how I spend my time. My family is my priority. I suggest you join some hobby or volunteer groups to fill your time."

Why is this even a problem? You can't see her as you're with your family at weekends.

Ignore the relentless questions.

Just say no I am spending time with my family and then shut down any further questions. You’re close so I would have probably been fairly blunt by now.

It’s difficult when friends have different expectations of a friendship, especially if there aren’t any other issues. I would much rather spend my time at home or out with my family than other people. I know I’m not a very good friend in that I don’t have the energy to keep very close friendships going. Your friend probably would’ve got fed up by now if I were you as I’d have just stopped replying to messages. I suppose it depends how much you value the friendship. If you want to keep it going you’re going to have to have the difficult conversation about how you have to (and want to) prioritise time with your family so can’t give as much to the friendship as she can at the moment. Honesty is best

If she won't stop asking -

'I'll be having sex with my husband.'

You just have to say " no ".

"Not sure what I'm doing that day but probably just resting. I need time on my own"

"I'll be busy wrapping up presents"

"My husband is planning a nice dinner together"

"I'm planning to finish my book that evening"

"I can see you in the afternoon but I have to leave at 6pm"

Ah, I have this with a friend too. She wants to meet every single weekend and for the best part of a year we did. But all we ever did was go to the same couple of pubs over and over again and I was so bored of it, so told her so. Also said I don't want to meet every single weekend, I have other friends to see and also just love pottering around at home/hanging out with the cat/having lazy days and I'm happy to meet up once a month or so. She said she'd go crazy if she only went out once a month, but frankly that's not my problem. She doesn't seem to have any other friends apart from me, whereas I do, so do feel bad for her, but I can't arrange my life around her. I still see her once, maybe twice a month and it's all good and I've started suggesting doing things other than sitting in pubs for hours (did enough of that when I was younger) So just be honest, tell her meeting every weekend is just too much.

You're unavailable, obviously.

Planning to spend the day with your family counts as having plans.

Just say no! You're spending time with DH and kids. Don't be guilt tripped. Agree on one date leave it at that. If she wants the ins and ours don't reply. If she mentions it just say you were busy. Tbh I'd be seeing a lot less of her if she was so demanding.

"Sorry, weekends in December are always busy with end of term concerts, Christmas Fair etc. Can you make next Friday night for a drink?".

Quite honestly , I would just be straight with your friend ."Its family time Jane ,and I need time with them .Can we meet ... one Saturday of your choosing.I think many single ladies are in a similar position TBH.They have to sort it out .

'She relentlessly asks me what plans I have, with who, where I am going etc. I am ashamed to say that I sometimes lie, especially when I'm put on the spot. '

Stop being so painless and say, No I don't want to meet up. No reason, I don't want to.

I'm
Sure you must say no to your children and husband on occasion so why can't you tell her no? Bizarre.

Ergh I can't cope with needy people. You are not responsible for her life or happiness. She keeps asking because you keeo saying yes (while her other friends have probably put her on mute). What is it she even wants you to do multiple weekends in a row? Why can't she do these things on her own? December is so busy and hectic just say you're too busy. She'll be annoyed but will eventually stop asking. Stand firm! And update the thread!

Spineless ^^

Stop obeying her as if she is your queen and ruler OP! Make it clear you have other plans on three and a half of those Saturdays and if she pushes you just say “long standing plans with DH” or “Christmas plans we need to attend to”.

Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated.

How do I manage this?

Easy- just say you’re busy. Say you already have plans.
I have quite a lot on through December and yesterday a friend messaged to ask if I’m free Sat 14th and I technically am, but the Friday I’m out for dinner with the in laws and Sunday I’m at a festive daytime buffet with some friends. So if quite like to keep the Saturday free so I don’t get burnt out, and just chill at home with my boyfriend.
So I replied and said “argh sorry I’m busy that day, shall we get a date in for January?”

Easy.

Why are her feelings the most important thing here?

If she gets upset when you say something like I am spending the weekend with my family, we need some downtime together then let her.

Suggest a date you can get together and make that date no earlier than a fortnight away.

If she moans then it's OK to say time with my family is also important.

You are going to have to be a little more blunt. When she continues to badger you about what your plans are, you need to be able to say that you are busy, and that's that. If she keeps on about it, just tell her that you shouldn't have to to justify yourself by telling her who with and what for.

And if she still won't give in and keeps on trying to meet up, then you will have to deliver the killer line...

"I don't want to."

You appear to have a problem with boundaries - perhaps consider why you’re like this. If she takes umbrage, so what?
Real friends appreciate give and take. Be clearer in saying no and I can’t. What are you afraid of if you’re not at her beck and call?

She is too full on but please tell her now don’t leave her hanging so she has a chance to let it sink in and ask someone else or decide on a way forward herself. Say I can meet for coffee on X morning and I am only free for one night out on Y date but that is it I am afraid.

She can then sort herself out. Be it making a Christmas wreath, a day painting or pottery class, yoga retreat, looking up an old friend, seeing a current or ex work colleague, visiting a relative, babysitting whilst you and DH go out, decorating at her house, reading, joining a gym, going for a walk, having a spa day, doing a park run or volunteering somewhere etc etc.

She’s being completely U, & I’m saying that as someone who’s happily single & childfree. She needs to build a life for herself that isn’t dependent on any one person.

Boundaries time OP. Even if I was also single like her with lots of spare time,she would
make me feel suffocated with all these requests and questioning!! Juggling job/dc etc in the week is hard,and I personally just want downtime with my family at weekends, seeing friends maybe 1 Saturday a month (either an evening or afternoon, never both the whole day is too much for me). I can see you are being a good friend to her by seeing her regularly but you need to get it out there and say this is too much, and you cannot commit to anymore than an afternoon or evening per month. Is she asking these questions on your whereabouts over text or f2f? If text it’s easy to ignore these

“I’m going to do some chores and chill out”. “I’m going to shut the world out and have a quiet weekend”
”I’m knackered so I’m planning a nap and then a film on the sofa with no distractions”
”looking forward to a long lie in and then doing nothing”