Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

"She doesn't understand how anyone can be happy just pottering around at home. " - she doesn't need to understand, she just needs to accept it is the case for you. If she says 'can't we do something if you are free', say 'no, I need to build in some down time at home'. Don't lie, just say you can't, if pushed say you have stuff to do at home, want to spend some time with the kids or need some downtime but again keep high level. Me and my friends say this to each other all the time - totally reasonable and we don't challenge each other.

If I tell her I'm doing something and can't see her, then she wants evidence.

You might have to end up saying something like ‘look, at the weekend, I’m with DH and dd. We just spend time together doing family stuff’ And not elaborate.
I suspect the more you try to appease her by giving her ‘proper’ reasons, the more she feels entitled to know why iyswim.
When actually ‘spending time with my family’ should be enough reason.

No, I don’t want to do anything this weekend - or even just a breezy ‘No thanks. I don’t want to go out this weekend’.

This is enough. You'll have to be firm if she pushes against that.

Why did you post @Marmalada80 if you were just going to ignore all the support and go along and do what your mate wanted anyway?

Err... this is clearly a pattern that has been going on some time and OP is allowed to take a bit of time to adapt and cut back.

@Onthesideofthespiders who said I am ignoring the support ?

In your shoes I would decide on how much time a month you can give her and then keep referring back to it.

'No I'm not coming out for coffee tomorrow, can we get together on the 11th instead?'
'No I don't want to go to the movies on Friday, I'm still seeing you on the 11th though'
'No I don't really want to go out to dinner next week, are you still up for the 11th?'

If she asked me for 'evidence' that I'd be cleaning the house or washing my hair I would just ignore it (if by text) or ask 'you seriously expect me to send you evidence of a clean house?', because that is not normal. At all.

It really isn't your responsibility to find her hobbies or groups, but could you combine the time you spend with her with doing something fun that is community based? e.g. you are going to spend a Saturday morning with her, is there a volunteer opportunity at the local nature reserve or a walking group at that day or time? It might dilute the time you spend with her and give her a prod in the right direction.

I definitely do not speak to my friends like this. If someone was harassing the shit out of me I would speak to them like this.

Didn't you know people on here expect instant results 🙄 Just ignore @Marmalada80 .

This is good - I particularly like the use of "I don't want to...".

OP, there's nothing wrong with just staying I need time with my family, even if you don't have any obvious plans. Sometimes it's just nice to be around eachother. Also, are you more likely to have a nicer meal or a treat in the evenings on a Saturday which you're family would enjoy with you.

You can answer her way of asking what you are doing in a way that doesn’t mean lying or offering up your time to her eg “Saturday is currently a wonderfully empty day, really looking forward to spending some time with dd /catching up on jobs. Really feel like I’m too busy at the moment.”

Because you’re going to spend the whole day with her when you don’t want to. It sounded like you’d be quite happy to spend a couple hours with her, but instead of holding firm to that boundary, you’re going to do a whole day… you don’t even want to! You are an adult, you don’t want to, it’s not some government mandated thing you’ll go to jail for if you refuse but you can’t say no?

@Onthesideofthespiders nowhere in the OP’s posts does she say she agree to the outing AFTER starting the thread. So how can you conclude she isn’t listening blablabla?
Unless you also expect her the CANCEL an outing she had agreed on?

@Marmalada80 I thin’ you’ve had plenty of ideas on what to tell her next time.
My advice is to rehearse that in your head so it comes out naturally when she, inevitably, asks again.
Fors time will feel hard and awkward but I promise it will come more easily as you do it again and again

If she needs to learn not to do what other people are telling her to, that includes you too.

Then probably better not to ask for help, and have hundreds of people share their experiences and give advice on how to navigate it just to come back and say “I have agreed to spend the whole day with her even though I don’t want to.”

Do you really think people change their whole personalities in less than 24 hours of receiving multiple people‘s feedback? If she actually did that, then that would just be another form of people pleasing presumably?

Or is it possible that people need to absorb these types of situations and slowly make changes they feel comfortable with? Or would you rather that people don’t ask for help unless they’re willing to take your advice immediately? Hmm.

You don’t need to justify what you do with your time OP. I have a friend who is a bit like this, she’s lonely and doesn’t like being on her own, which I get. However I really like my own company, and actually need my own space. Close friends and family get that, but she doesn’t. I don’t make excuses and say I’m busy, I tell her that I’m having a chill day, and I’m not seeing anyone. She doesn’t like it, but that’s her problem.

You aren’t responsible for her life, she is. She’s got family although grown up kids, she has time but not the inclination to carve out a new chapter in her life. Bet when her kids were small she wouldn’t have dropped everything to bend over backwards for someone in her current position.

Perhaps text her tonight or tomorrow and say you can see her Sunday, but as other posters have suggested, just for a couple of hours. When she demands evidence as to why, tell her you want time with your family. Just that. She won’t like it, but her problem not yours.

I am long-term single and becoming this kind of friend is something I dread, even though it is painful when you fall down the pecking order, so to speak. Just say no.

The day out next weekend was arranged (or more like agreed to by me) before this thread. I really appreciate all the advice and feedback. Next Sunday I have told my friend that I need to be back by a certain time. This then gives me time at home with DH & DC. Usually my friend would tell me what time we leaving - usual early morning so the whole day is taken up - but his time I have told her I won't be ready until late morning. We are going to a Xmas market. My friend wants to go to one miles away which would of course mean making the day longer. I have told her I want to go to one nearer to home ie 20 minutes away not an hour and a half away.
My friend announced this day out. I winced at the thought of a whole day but had no quick excuse when i was asked on the spot and knew it would mean my whole Sunday taken up. However, I have taken control and told her the times for the day. It's not my problem that she is looking to fill a whole day. I will not entertain a whole day and lose 1 of my precious weekend days.
I've certainly starting to view this friend in a very different light. In fact, since posting this thread I have been quite angry at her when thinking about her behaviours

Next Sunday I have told my friend that I need to be back by a certain time. This then gives me time at home with DH & DC. Usually my friend would tell me what time we leaving - usual early morning so the whole day is taken up - but his time I have told her I won't be ready until late morning. We are going to a Xmas market. My friend wants to go to one miles away which would of course mean making the day longer. I have told her I want to go to one nearer to home ie 20 minutes away not an hour and a half away.

well done that is a great start!

and good you have found your anger, that’s coming from a place of self worth

Well done OP, you’ve made a strong start. Anger is justified and shows that you’re starting to put yourself and your family first.
Don’t make any further plans with her, just repeat that you’re busy with family until the new year. By then you will have reflected on her behaviour, and have a clearer understanding of whether you want to see her going forward.

That's progress OP. I would say also think about how you will handle any attempts to disrupt this, like refusing to leave at the agreed time. Ideally either you'd drive or you'd get public transport, which gives you more power. Though if you drive and she drags things out, you'll have to say you're going anyway and mean it.

Keep reminding yourself that you don't need an excuse.

"Thanks, but that won't work for us."

"No thanks, that won't work for us." "Because it won't work for us." "Jane, I told you, it won't work for us."

She really needs to get some hobbies. I cannot imagine having a surplus of time, let alone badgering other people to help me fill it.