Friend is at a lose end most weekends and taking over all my weekends

[Marmalada80]

Friend is long time single. She is looking to do things with friends most weekends. She has DC but they are now older and out a lot or away. She has no hobbies or interests. All her friends are in a couple and have younger DC than her and mostly want to spend their weekends with their DH/partner and DC. I feel for her but she doesn't help herself with no hobbies etc. She is currently trying to tie me into seeing her 3 Saturdays in a row in December. This will be all day Saturday and 2 evenings too. It's too much for me. I have my family at home. I want my weekends to be spent with my family.
Happy to do 1 Saturday day a month with her and/or see her 1 Saturday evening out of 3, type of thing. She would be so upset if I said this to her. She is monopolising all my weekend time.

How do I manage this ?

Nothing wrong with asking but people who won't take no for an answer and interrogate you are hard work. Not sure what to advise, agree with PP in that I'd probably end up losing my shit and saying "because I don't bloody want to".

I have a situation that is very similar. She basically wants to spend every Sunday with me down the pub getting pissed. I have a pretty intense working life (as do many of us!) and two DCs one of whom is profoundly affected with autism and needs alot of support and downtime at the weekends. I just want to spend my time at the weekends recovering from the previous week and preapring for the week ahead. She just does not take the hint, and then sulks when I say a flat out 'I need to do this with the family'. She gets all pursed lipped and short.

I deal with it now by saying; 'I can't do that this weekend. Shall we catch up at such and such a pub for a quick drink after work next Wednesday?'

TBH though I am pulling back hard because while she does not actively throw a tantrum she gets shitty enough that makes me feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.

Why would anyone want a friend that makes them feel like they are walking on eggshells??!! I feel so grateful for my lovely friends who are kind and supportive and like seeing me, but never overstep boundaries, and pressure me into going to social events. Have you got friends like these, if so, ditch this one and focus your time and energy on the kind of people that respect you.

She probably thinks you're OK with meeting up, since you always agree to do so. She seems like someone who doesn't understand, even though she's had DC, that most people want to spend time at home with their own at the weekend.

You're gonna have to tell her no, that you have/want to be at home with your family, the next time she tries to fill up her diary with your company.

It's probably difficult for her being alone, but you can only give so much of your time to anyone.

OP, honestly-none of my friends do this, it really isn’t normal behaviour for friends.

I wouldn’t want to spend any time with her at all.

I have had exactly this problem with a friend and had to put a plan in place to reset the situation. It was hard but I think it has worked.

First of all I replied more slowly to her WhatsApps. I waited for two hours, then four hours, then a day so that she didn’t expect me to be available immediately. After a few weeks I noticed she messaged me less often.

Secondly I had a long think about exactly how often I did want to see her and what kind of things I wanted to do with her and I stuck to that rather than waiting for her to set the agenda and then feel harassed. I realised that I only wanted to see her a couple of times a month for a couple of hours a time and that I just wanted to have a coffee and walk with her. So any time she suggested anything else I would say:
1.sounds good but will have to leave at x time
2.Great, I am free from 3 to 5
3.Busy that day (no need to specify what you are doing)
4 Let’s go to x instead. I’ll meet you at 2 then I will go at 4 to pick up kids/go shopping/visit my mum/go to dentist/ hairdresser/ optician/dentist

I really don’t think you need to tell her she is being annoying. She has her feelings about what she needs and you have yours. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with her it’s just not compatible with what you want. The key thing is that it is up to YOU to adjust her expectations. It’s not really fair to let her ask for what she needs and then feel like a put upon victim of her needs.

Just say plans to spend family time with DH and DC. I've realised how fast DC is growing and I want to make sure I focus on spending quality time with her/him while they are young. Then pull this same message out every time she asks.

Just tell her you won't be available surely?
She obviously knows that you have a family and must realise Christmas is a busy time
She's completely lacking in self awareness( or doesn't care) expecting you to be free
I would firmly say which day you are available and no more on the subject.

No, I have plans.
No, I'm busy.
No, we're having family time.
No, I'm a bit tired and need a rest.
Perhaps gently suggest she joins a club or gets a hobby.

Thank you for all the replies. I am really at the end of my tether with all this. I have agreed (felt obliged) to spend the day with her next Sunday. She is already trying to tie down times, what we will do, etc. We are not going to an event, it's just a day together. It's already becoming draining.

As someone up thread said, my weekends are to get over the working week and plan for the week ahead.

@Rasputin123 she can then sort herself out. Be it making a Christmas wreath, a day painting or pottery class, yoga retreat, looking up an old friend, seeing a current or ex work colleague, visiting a relative, babysitting whilst you and DH go out, decorating at her house, reading, joining a gym, going for a walk, having a spa day, doing a park run or volunteering somewhere etc she does none of this. She won't do anything alone or go anywhere alone. She has no hobbies. She doesn't own any books. She doesn't belong to a gym or any clubs. She does nothing except expect friends to spend their weekends with her (day & night) going for lunch/dinner/drinks/shopping.

I agree I need to tell her no and in enough time for her to ask someone else to do something with her. She is just relentless. I feel I can't do anything without her wanting to know about it

Thank you for all the replies. I am really at the end of my tether with all this. I have agreed (felt obliged) to spend the day with her next Sunday. She is already trying to tie down times, what we will do, etc. We are not going to an event, it's just a day together. It's already becoming draining

Well, start now. Don’t let her ‘tie you down’ for a whole day/evening. Say, I need to be back home for dinner so I can sort out the kids ready for school Monday. Let’s meet at 1 for lunch and I need to leave at 5. Start drawing some lines in the sand…

Sorry I am busy with family (don’t elaborate or get drawn into any discussion).

What you've said in your OP seems pretty clear and reasonable to me. I think, regardless of how upset she might be, you should tell her that.

You need to stop being such a people pleaser and letting her needs dominate yours. Just be blunt with her. Don't worry about hurting her feelings - she doesn't appear to be that concerned about steamrollering over yours after all.

"I'm sorry, I don't have any weekend days free between now and New Year. It's a mad time of year":

I know it's only a temporary fix, but you might find it easier to use the the busiest month of the year as your excuse, to gain confidence in saying no. If she wants the details of your commitments, you simply say "I'm not about to bore you with my calendar! Between DH, the kids, our parents and my own plans, I'm just tied up"

I have a friend like this too op - she is married but her dh works all weekend. She wants to know every single thing l am doing so she can try and shoehorn herself into my say. I have become very vague.

I think you need to just have a reply ready so you're not lying but equally not giving any room for manoeuvre. Then just don't budge from it.

• I can't - that's my day for doing absolutely nothing. I need it after doing X all week.

• I haven't planned anything specific but I'm reserving my weekends in December for the kids.

• I've realised that I need a lot of downtime these days (because I'm a Scorpio/introvert/peri-menopausal/stressed at work etc) so let's pencil something in for next weekend and then maybe something for the end of January too.

• Kid/husband/dog is going through something quite tough at the minute and they need me around. I can commit to next Sunday but nothing else at the minute.

• Honestly the kids aren't going to want me around forever so I'm just trying to soak up as much time as I can with them while they'll still let me.

Basically pick something that's as close to the truth as possible and don't budge.

@Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead and everyone else in the same situation - I really feel for you. @Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead my friend does the same. She will ask me what I'm doing and if there is an inch of time in the day spare then she will want to be doing something with me. If I tell her I'm doing something and can't see her, then she wants evidence.
I can't do anything without her wanting full details or knowing about it

You have to tell her nicely that you understand she wants to see her good friends at weekends, but you're still at the stage of life where you need to be with your partner and kids for most of your weekend time, so you can't see her more than once a month. It doesn't mean you like any less, but that's how things are. And she needs to meet other single people to go out with more regularly.

This is not normal op and very rude, you need to say no and mean it, you have the perfect excuse with a husband and children. I'm single but wouldn't dream of inviting myself round to a friend who is in a couple as it would not be fair to their partner, I would wait until they asked to come around or go out, often when their partner is busy elsewhere. Quite frankly if she takes offence what do you have to lose.......you get your weekends back.

This is where is weaponise your husband, if you don't have the guts to make your own excuses.

"DH is unhappy that I'm spending so much time away from the family at weekends". It's cowardly, but probably the most you can find in yourself to do.

This is so selfish of her. She has no right to question how you spend your free time, and even less right to monopolise it. You need to get exasperated with her and say ‘you’re asking too much. I WANT to spend the time with my family.’

She sounds like a near-stalker.

I have agreed (felt obliged) to spend the day with her next Sunday

What? YOUR entire Sunday??? NO OP! Just NO!

You start now and grow a back bone and stand up for yourself and your own family FFS!:
'Looking forward to seeing you at The Brasserie/Pub/cafe at 11am Sunday. I'll be heading off by 2pm. Looking forward to catching up.'

I can't do anything without her wanting full details or knowing about it

“Rachel, stop asking about the minutiae of my plans, it makes you sound like a stalker and it’s really intrusive. I have a spouse, kids, a job and other friends. And I’m knackered. Sometimes I’m free to spend time with you but often I’m not.

“I can see you next Sunday after I’ve been shopping with the DC, say around 3ish, and we can go for a drink before Christmas. How’s the 18th for you?”