Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

He's over the age of consent. As long as neither of you were so drunk you couldn't give consent, then I don't see an issue. In fact I think good on you!

Yes I think you are a bit tbh. Take what you can learn from this and move on.

I’d be worried he’s told all of his friends and it will be their joke for the next few months. You know how young people can be but there’s not a lot you can do now except hope it doesn’t spread around.

It's weird that you were fine with sleeping with someone in their early twenties (already 20 years your junior), but not a 19 year old.

Not much you can do about it now, and it doesn't sound like he was bothered by it, but from now on, stick to the over-thirties.

He is over the age of consent and now has a story to tell. You didn't go out intending to sleep with him and didn't 'target' or groom him it's fine. Not sure Id mention it to anyone in RL though.

My only concern is if your children are older teens and run in similar circles but if not don't worry, chalk it up to experience and flirt with the over 30s from now on. (And hope you aren't pregnant - that would be quite a can of worms to open).

Don’t overthink it. It’s done now. Don’t beat yourself up, there’s nothing to be gained from that. And take the MN replies with a pinch of salt too!

I don’t think you need to be beating yourself up about it.

I mean, don’t get me wrong it’s probably not something to look to repeat in the future! But you’re both (presumably) consenting adults who had a bit of fun in which case you didn’t do anything wrong.

He's over the legal age, he's an adult. I know what you mean about it being weird because I'd feel a bit blergh too, but what can you do now?
Don't let it occupy your mind any further. You've done nothing wrong x

Keep telling yourself it’s legal and try and put it somewhere okay in your mind. It’s not great but the law won’t be after you.

I would think it a bit grim if he'd been in his twenties, let alone 19. That's probably because I'm not much older than you and have a son that age. I'd also say the same if it was a man.

Anyway, it's done now and no one was harmed. Just style it out and act like the cool older woman. He will no doubt be bragging to his mates.

It's objectively no more weird that he's 19 than if he was 22.

Do you think you're just finding it more weird because you have teenage kids, and he is technically a teenager?

I keep thinking that people …

What people? How many people do you discuss your sex life with? If you have friends, are they all so judgemental? If so, maybe you need new friends?

As for the young man sharing it with his friends - so what? He was there too and the fact he was still with you in the morning suggests he felt nothing negative about the encounter.

Don't stress OP. I did something similar years ago but it was a guy I met online dating who had lied about his age. Said he was 25 and I was 36. Turns out he was actually 19. The sex was terrible on his part so I didn't have to worry about him telling anyone!

I was annoyed and a bit grossed out when I found out so I get how you fell.

He was of legal age so do not worry.

Yeah, you're over thinking.

Two consenting adults had a one night stand. Not sure there is much else there. If either of you were trying to make it into a relationship I'd probably think it was a bit innapropriate. But two adults bumping uglies for a one off fun night? Age seems a bit irrelevant.

There is no law against it and presumably you did not coerce the young man, so why should you feel guilty?

You are overthinking. It's not like you are planning to set up a family unit with him. It was a consensual one night stand between two adults.

Ia with other posters - even if he had been 25 it would have only been marginally less cringe-inducing. But, it happened. 🤷 No laws were broken. The only thing to do now is to move on. Style it out.

If this thread was about a 43 year old man and a 19 year old woman the replies would be very, very different. Mumsnet drives me insane sometimes.

For a consensual hook up in the circumstances the OP described, my reply would be exactly the same.

I'd be concerned he might spill the beans to his mates , and you will get lots of hopeful knocks on the door !

Lol I wish that “my husband is 25 years older than me” thread was still up there because the response was very very different there with exactly the same ages of the parties.
i would also feel disgusted, OP. This boy was at school two years ago and if I was his mum I’d be appalled.

If you were a 40 odd year old man sleeping with a 19 year old you would be called a sleaze and rightly so.

It’s not illegal but it is sleazy and people saying don’t beat yourself up are typical mumsnet hypocrites.

How would you feel about your son sleeping with a woman old enough to be his mother?

It’s done now, but being the parent of a 22 year old I fail to believe that you didn’t know how young he was, especially given you have teenagers of your own. I mean even early 20’s is grim, and again, if you were a man MN would still take a dim view.

It’s done now but learn from it.

And hope he doesn’t go bragging to his mates.

Why did you discuss it with the 20 something circuit leader?

Anyway, it's done. Draw a line under it, learn and move on. Avoid the temptation that anyone whispering or giggling near you is thinking or talking about this.

Yeah right. Can you imagine if a male poster comes on here and said he had a few too many and slept with a 19 year old. At least own the hypocrisy.