Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

I agree.

You are over-thinking this. You had fun. He was 19, so over the age of consent. People go on about age differences as though this was something weird - it isn't. And good on you!

Because it is different. Because Mumsnet is not a hive mind but a site with thousands of posters. Also RTFT.

Grim and icky. But it's done now, lesson learned.

This.

You hear sex positive a lot on the creepy threads on the sex board.

Overthinking.
You've still got it girl, not that you ever lost it.

But most of the replies are saying what you have just said. It makes your meaning a bit confusing.

Because this is Planet Mumsnet and when sex happens between a man in his 40s and a 19 year old woman they consider it grooming.

Now stop this hate.
The man knew you were older.
He liked that you were older.
He was there in the morning, and hadn't run off.
A lot of younger man want an older woman , who has her life sorted,is not after babies and happy ever after. Amongst the gossip I hear in a Very big group, your actually now the preferred choice, a catch.

Hold your head high and if anyone says anything, look them in the eye and say
" My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard......."

For people saying that it’s not the same with women, actually, I think there are plenty of 19 year old women who would have sex with a 43 year old without being traumatised by it.

But that’s the crux of the issue. It’s down to the older party to be the one who is responsible. To recognise that they are the one in the position of power, and the one who needs to exercise their judgement, because at 19 many men and women just don’t have that maturity yet.

It’s entirely possible that if the situation was reversed and it was a 19 year old woman having slept with a 43 year old man, she would be saying that it was a great ONS, but it would be the man people were criticising, because he’s old enough to be her father and should know better.

Just because someone isn’t traumatised by the experience doesn’t make it any less sleazy. The OP is old enough to be his mother and should know better.

And given she’s inviting a load of early 20 somethings back to her house, and confiding in them about her sex life, again if a 43 year old man was confiding his sex life to a load of the 19 year old’s friends would people think that was ok? Because it really wouldn’t be.

I think that the suggestion of a mid life crisis from one poster is spot on.

From your title I thought it was going to be much worse. No one got hurt. Put it down to a moment of madness and move on. Fingers crossed gossip doesn’t get out, but if it does don’t stress too much, it will soon be yesterdays news. Sadly, you might not be welcome at the Women’s Institute cake sale.

Inviting people you don't know that well back to your house for drinks is never a good idea in my experience.

It feels massive now but it'll soon just be a cringe moment you have to scream out of your head a couple of times a year.

You've fucked up, you've owned it - now move on.

🤮 You feel disgusting because it is disgusting OP. You’re old enough to be his mum. Also, the sort of young men who sleep with women old enough to be their mum will be laughing about it with their mates, which is just as grim as you sleeping with him in the first place. Sort yourself and your self esteem out because you must be lacking in something to want attention from much younger men.

Oh, the opinion police have arrived

Women are very very rarely predatory or abusive

Sorry but that’s not true. There have been numerous cases in the news of female teachers in their 20s, 30s and 40s going after teens and they absolutely are predatory. So are so-called cougars - they prey on young inexperienced men and those men when they are older often feel uncomfortable about the relationship. And women can absolutely be abusive - look at the huge number of people on here who are nc with their mothers.

Sorry OP but I'd be pretty disappointed and pissed off with myself if I'd done the same thing.

More than that, it also sounds like drink made/allowed you to do something you are then deeply regretful of in the cold light of day. I'd take that as a key lesson and not drink quite so much next time.

@BetweenThem how outrageously judgy are you? I think your post says more about you than the OP!

@Frostyliss no crime was committed. You are dying a bit inside but you'll live through that. Sounds like you both had a fun night out and in. It is ok for people of wildly differing ages to have sex and always has been. It was spontaneous and unexpected.

Don't disappear into shame about this. Own it for the fun experience that it was.

Agree. Can't believe the shaming on here, let alone the ageism. He's an adult and the sex was consensual. Some people need to unclench.

Two adults shagged. Move on.

Blokes don't give this a second thought, my male friend was shagging a 19 year old frequently when he was in his 40s...

From the point of view of a 42 year old mother of a 19 year old son - yuk.
But that is probably because all the 19 year olds I know I’ve known since they were 3 and they are still those baby boys to me.
In the world where an adult woman meets an adult man (which 19 is) has a one night stand - meh these things happen.

Interesting range of views. Op's not come back but is so angst ridden they talked to the lad's mates and Mumsnet.

Meeting as consenting adults with equal agency and mutual attraction is a good thing.

Expecting your children to accept you being with someone in their age group could lead to some enlightening dinner table chats.

Bumping uglies😂 with someone in a small social group (club, work, Royston Vasey) gives the gossips something to talk about if nothing is on TV.

Time to woman up and deal with the consequences, and if it wasn't a sober decision don't drink so much that you're vulnerable.

Oh I agree. Sauce for the goose is most certainly not sauce for the gander on MN.

As for the OP, he was over the age of consent. He's an adult of voting age. It was all consensual. I really don't see the problem,

I'm trying to imagine inviting a group that included a high proportion of men 20 years my junior back to my home for a drink after a night out, and failing. Ditto the idea of flirting with men 20 years my junior. None of this happened accidentally. Own it, OP.

Morning after pill, today.