Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

The village gossips will be having a field day with that one!

I don't care if it is an older man/young woman, or older woman/young man, it is inappropriate.

There is little difference between 19 and "early 20s". Don't know if you are looking to revisit your youth, a confidence boost or just fancied the weird dynamics of emotional power over a very young man. Whatever issues you have going on, as the mum of a similar aged son it is just nasty.

As others have said two consenting adults and it seems not to have affected the teenager negatively, but perhaps reflect on the potential impact to a young person (male or female) disinhibited by alcohol who might regret sleeping with a middle aged man/women, and move on.

Super grim but not illegal so that’s something. I’d be so embarrassed about this.

This again.

OP I honestly think you're getting a lot of the ew gross comments because parents nowadays treat their offspring like ickle babas till they're at least 25.

You were two consenting adults, don't worry about it.

@Ohhbaby you’re ashamed? Why are you shamed? Can you breath when you clutch your pearls so tight?
random on internet consensually shags random man and you’re feeling shame? Get a life.

Grim but it's done.

You are overthinking it and I was so sad to read the part when you said you were 'disgusted' with yourself. Please don't be. A couple of movies/TV shows on Netflix just now might help you see that there is nothing to be disgusted about. You were two consenting adults. Be kind to yourself x

It's really not grim. It's not grim for people who find each other attractive to have sex! What a weird and screwed up way of viewing it.

Maybe not smart and obviously it might be embarrassing in a village situation. But grim? Not in my book.

She may not have 'known' his age, but a 19 year-old looks like a 19 year-old. he was a friend of the 20-something trainer
So no excuse not to have a damn good idea of the boy's age

Let’s not pretend women and men are the same! Of course people respond differently.

Women are very very rarely predatory or abusive.

The power dynamic is completely different.

This woman made a mistake and is owning it.

Big age gaps are not ideal but this man is not at risk from this woman.

He’s not going to get pregnant because he’s too young to fully understand contraception, nor is he going to be manipulated into an unsuitable age gap relationship.

She is repentant, back off.

Totally agree. The man would be called all kinds of disgusting, sleazy, vile etc. A woman does it and it's, "Never mind, don't worry, it was consensua, you enjoy it and he has a great story to brag about". Meanwhile , the male that she slept with was little more than a child. Mn is disgusting too with it's blatant double standards and misadry.

Completely agree.

You’re ok OP. Keep your head up x

Bumping uglies😂

And no, I wouldn't automatically call a 40-year old man who slept with a younger woman all manner of horrible things either. There is such a thing as nuance.

Nice work OP! Why shouldn’t you have a bit of fun? It’s not like you coerced him into anything or took advantage of him, it just happened. Two consenting adults.

You will be the subject of village gossip for ooh about 10 years though!

OP, did you enjoy it? Did it make you feel nice? 💥Then nobody should change it by saying a number to you.

Just be discreet, rock on and grin like a cheshire cat. x

Who are you to tell the OP who she's allowed to sleep with lol.

It is gross, mind you would be the same with early 20s imo. Discussing it with a circuit leader was weird and inappropriate. Are you training to be a monk?
I would think a bit less of you knowing this but not to drop you completely, more along the lines of : she can’t control herself when she is drunk and she’s desperate for sex. However if it’s completely out of character it will be forgotten.
As Pp said the main problem might be if he will cross paths with your teenagers.

Absolutely true!

He's going to have his very own Stiffler's Mom story and you (presumably) had a decent night.

You're both adults and nobody got hurt, crack on!

I’m not surprised you feel disgusting but it makes no sense that if he was a couple of years older you would be fine with it.

Hard to believe this story at all really when you have that logic.

You are overlooking the fact that throughout life it is women who get called names and judged for being sex positive. It’s nice to address the balance.

As for him being a little more than a child, not so, he’s old enough to marry, work, pay taxes, have a mortgage, own a business and choose whether to consent to medical procedures.

You're both consenting adults. You had fun. It's fine.

Ah, now we have the ‘sex positive’ people arriving. Sex positive goes hand in hand with creepy stuff.

He’s an adult, they just met, don’t understand how the thinking of grooming would even be mentioned in a one night stand situation.

Well it is too much of a gap. Though no grooming as such it’s not on. If you are not using contraception then have the morning after pill, many women experience a last hurrah fertility wise at this age.

Your big issue now is you live in a village and have nailed a teenager and they are not exactly known for their depth of maturity. My older sister post divorce slept with an 18 year old , she was 30 at the time and it was wildfire round the village we lived in. Someone came up to my younger sister who was about 12 at the time and told her, she was so upset. What age are your kids because your real concern should be if they find out via gossip. This is why I hated living in a tiny community. Your 19 year old could have a sibling that’s the same age as your kids and same school. Your only hope is he tells no one but you may have been seen together.