Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

How? What's the difference.
Research actually shows that boys mature slower than girls, both physically and emotionally.
And that boys' prefrontal cortex (cause and effect) don't fully mature until upwards of 25. Again later than girls.
So if we're talking about '2 consenting adults' that everyone is talking about, a girl is physically and emotionally in a much better spot.
Yeah if we're talking coerced or forced being involved, worse for a girl, because she's generally weaker
But really, it's a appalling how we say 'good for him/ her' when a middle aged woman has sex with a boy.
But we are very vocal if a middle aged man sleeps with a girl.
I'm ashamed

“Technically a teenager”. No, no, he IS a teenager. The clue is in the name - nineTEEN. You wouldn’t say someone who is 39 is “technically in their 30s”. They are in their 30s.

So much minimising here and calling him a man. I bet he still lives with his parents. In any other context he’d be called a boy.

imagine if this was a man and people chiming in to say “ah she’s a grown woman”. I wasn’t a grown woman at 19.

Maybe always check from now on how old people are.

You haven't committed a crime.

You had a good time.

Don't dwell.

Omg OP sorry I can't stop laughing. My heart would have dropped into my boots when I heard that; an actual teenager!

Anyway you didn't know, it's over the age of consent and you've both got a funny story.

These things happen when you're newly single. Even if your divorce was pretty friendly, there's always some trauma to come to terms with and that can result in out of character behaviour. I honestly wouldn't worry about it any more. Some of the people tutting about you on here would really get their knickers in a twist if I wrote about some of the things I did when I was newly single. Honestly, yes it's a bit embarrassing but style it out and this too will pass.

You’re definitely overthinking it. Like the other friend said you were just having some fun together as 2 single adults. You’ve probably fulfilled the young man’s fantasy as well. I feel like if it was a 19 year old woman and a 43 year old man people would be less judgmental. Just see it for what it was a bit of drunken fun between 2 consenting adults and keep looking forwards and not back. You may be this weeks gossip if anyone found out, but it would soon be forgotten about especially if you just own it and don’t let peoples opinions get to you. Take care Op x

This is the stuff of village gossip dreams OP.

You just have to own it.

You had a night of fun with a hot young thing. It happens.

A lot of people get too hung up on sex. That's all it was. Hope your teens don't find out they, quite understandably, will be mortified.

Depends how big your village is.

Good luck!

I’d be cringing as well but you haven’t done anything wrong, at all.

He’s well over the age of consent, he can sleep with whoever he wants… as can you!

Also, do people who seem to think it’s the ultimate fantasy of a teenage boy to sleep with a 40-something also think that it’s the ultimate fantasy of teenage girls to shag a middle aged man?

I hope your kids are young teens and their social circles don’t overlap, but if not no harm done.

Sometimes!

Yeah I was just thinking that.

OP, it's done now and it's obviously fairly grim and you know that.

If I were you I would fully distance myself from that whole crowd and find a new group of friends. They probably do it see it as a big joke (especially lads at that age) and you don't want it to end up as a narrative about you where you live. Tbh it's kind of weird for you to have a whole load of young twenty somethings back to your place anyway

As others have said, technically you weren't breaking any laws and what's done is done.

But - and I say this as somebody who lives in a small community - people talk, especially about the new person and a lie can run round the world before the truth has got its shoes on.

If you want to retain any semblence of privacy at all, especially for your children, I would strongly recommend dialling back on the 'all back to mine' parties and keep your counsel a bit.

Villages can be very claustrophobic places.

Please can we not try to pretend that men and women are exactly the same? Boys and girls are not exactly the same and doing the reversal of the sexes thing is generally not a helpful exercise. Many young men would happily have sex with older women, without in any way being a victim in the situation. That's okay, nothing horrible or wrong about it.

Is this real?

Exactly.
FS there are some strange responses on here!

I say, good for you OP!
And I’m the mother of an 18 year old boy.

When you’re in your nursing home, it’ll be a great tale to tell. Same for him.

Not necessarily …

It’s MN. It’s the Internet. A huge proportion of what we read online is not real.

😂
I would love to see your face when he comes home with a 41 years-old divorcee with 4 kids...

Yes that a good point too! Of course some 19 year olds of either sex wouldn't want to, but many of either sex would! Some younger people aren't ready for sex or relationships, but many are.

I was perfectly capable, at 19, of choosing who I wanted to sleep with and had I chosen to sleep with an older man I would not have been a victim!

It's always different when it's the other way round because of the vulnerable positiion women put themselves in with a man of any age.

But FWIW, unless it waa a predatory male regularly chasing far younger women, I would just say these things happen as a one off sometimes same as I would to the OP. I certainly didn't restrict myself to sleeping with only guys that were my own age when I was 19/20.

Try and see the funny side of it, he could have started playing rap music, called you Mummy by mistake and offered to give you a 'backy' lift on his bicycle.

One of my best friends lost his virginity at the age of 17 to a woman in her 40s at a party. He was not ashamed, embarrassed or grossed-out by the experience. In fact he recalls it with great fondness. It is just a fact of his life. He's 55 now and not scarred for life. I wouldn't give it a second thought.

why tell your 20 years-old circuit trainer what you did?
All very strange - does anyone your age go to this fitness trainer?

Yeah that bit was a bit odd tbf.

I’m more than 10 years younger than you and still couldn’t fathom doing that! Nor would I go after someone in their early 20s?!

Anyway, nothing you can do about it now. I’d definitely stop discussing it with other boys though.