Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

But it isn’t the other way around. And that matters. Of course the replies differ. Sex matters and men and women are not the same so the circumstances are not exactly the same.

This. Nobody was hurt. Move on.

Especially after inviting them back to his and giving them more to drink. A man would have his arse handed to him on here.

OP it is grim but it’s done. Make sure it’s never repeated.

I wouldn’t worry. He is over the age of consent. My son is 20 and if he wanted to sleep with a 41yr old I would just think that’s his decision as an adult.

It is a bit inappropriate, I have a DC that age and if they slept with someone in their 40's I would be pretty horrified BUT its done now and hopefully you won't be the talk of the village or whatever.
Just do't do it again

Ah, the "I thought they were older" excuse. It will be fine in here because you're a woman, but men are creeps if they do it. It's 'taking advantage'.

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

Are you having a mid life crisis OP? You’re old enough to be the mum of these lads and you’re discussing your sex life with them and they’re giving you advice about your drunken mishaps. You need to stop. Find a new sports club you can join before you become the local laughing stock.

Meh. Who cares? He's an adult. It's not like he didn't know he was sleeping with an older woman.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

That would also be perfectly OK. Because a 19-year-old is an adult who is more than capable of deciding who she wants to shag. Would I have had a serious relationship with a 43-year-old man when I was 19? No. Would I have had a one-night-stand with a 43-year-old man who I thought was really hot? Absobloodylutely I would have done, and it would be weird and infantilising for someone to suggest that I wasn't capable of making that decision.

Assuming it was consensual with no grooming involved as with the OP my feelings would be the same.

It’s done! You did nothing wrong. Move on.

Just…how old are your kids? Are they likely to know him? That would be embarrassing!

I wonder if you'd be so congratulating if it was your 19 year old son? Or your 19 year old daughter having a one night stand with a 40 something man?

I'm not saying this to judge OP or beat her down. Legally she's done nothing wrong. However I'm just saying that morally it probably depends which party you're most invested in.

At the end of the day OP you're both consenting adults and what's done is done. No point beating yourself up but at the same time I'm not sure there's any reason for people to be congratulating you either...

No, and at the risk of repeating myself, if the circumstances were the same as the OP describes, I would NOT judge because a 19 year old woman on a night out is quite capable of deciding to have a one night stand with an older man. No hypocrisy at all. Now if you were to say that the older person in either scenario had pursued the younger, or plied them with drinks or attempted to form a dependant relationship then my reply would certainly be different. But two consenting adults having a one night stand... nope, that's abolsutely fine.

You’re fine. The lad will be thanking his lucky stars.

Maybe change gyms though!

Really gross and creepy, just a little bit older than my DC 🤢 seems strange if you haven't done anything like that in 2 decades.

The emotional, physical and societal power dynamic within our patriarchal society makes a man sleeping with a younger woman different than a woman sleeping with a younger man.

You didn't groom him, he was happy, it was one night. Your friend is right, you are overthinking it.

He is 19 and I would question if you said you had feelings for him, a ONS is going to be something he barely remembers in 6 months time. Give yourself a break

You're overthinking it. It happened once, it's not something you want to continue and both parties were consenting adults.

This. Why did you tell him? That's weird.

Are you having a mid life crisis OP? You’re old enough to be the mum of these lads and you’re discussing your sex life with them and they’re giving you advice about your drunken mishaps

Yeah, this.

I mean, sleeping with someone young enough to be your son is pretty grim. But, one off error of judgement, move on etc.

The fact you're then discussing this with his early 20's mate who runs your circuit training - and you're taking advice from him - is painting a clearer picture. It's just flat out weird.

I mean, seriously, are you going to take the advice of this 22 year old (or whatever) bloke?!

TBH, I’d imagine that the 19 year old is probably grossed out anyway. In the broad light of day I can’t imagine his seeing a 43 year old woman, old enough to be his mother as anything but a grim sex partner.

You didn't know and you can't change the past. So give yourself a break and move on.

And all of this.

You’ve probably set the lad up for loads of ribbing from his equally young mates, and you’re going to make yourself a laughing stock.

And if it’s a small village and your kids are already teens I’d imagine the chances of them finding out are high.

You’re fine. The lad will be thanking his lucky stars

Eww.

This is so gross and creepy. And yeah, different, woman not a man bla bla. But just imagine if the situation WAS about a 19 year old girl and one of the blokes peers posted you’re fine. The girl will be thanking her lucky stars

Ew fucking ew.

I’m not saying the boy couldn’t consent. I’m talking about the “good on you” comments and “two adults”. Except it’s a teenager who was a child less than two years ago. I cannot imagine any middle aged man with teen children being congratulated on Mumsnet for having sex with a teenager. He’d be called creepy, disgusting, dangerous, and abuser, fuck knows. I just find the double standards quite depressing.

It’s also a reflection of our attitudes in society towards men. Whenever there is a story about a female school teacher and a teen male pupil, people are like “cor, he must have thought Christmas had come early” and the like when the research shows that these age gap relationships can be very damaging due to differences in life experience. On the other thread I mentioned, people were mentioning all those points but when it’s the boy who is 19, all we get is “good on you”.

Also OP sounds like the sort of person who probably would do this again. Rather than not speak of it again and staying the hell away from the circuits club, she has a heart to heart with the boys mate and asks him for advice about her one night stand.

Gosh there are some judgemental people on here!

OP he’s legally adult. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

My son is just coming up to 19. I know he is if legal age but him with a 40+ yr old; that is grim.