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Original poster

Can’t Believe what I’ve done

333 replies

Frostyliss · 26/11/2024 07:17

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
UmbrellaEllaEllaElla · 26/11/2024 08:24

Youre definitely overthinking this!

NineDaysQueen · 26/11/2024 08:25

Bonkers logic; 19 isn't very different to 25
Yes, if a man did this and admitted it here, all the 'eeewws' and pearl-clutching would cause some kind of shift in the space-time continuum.
Sorry, but it's a eewww from me; I have a godson that age

Changeyourfuckingcar · 26/11/2024 08:26

Oh dear. It’s not ideal, but I guess the argument could be that you didn’t know his age. It’s done now and there’s nothing to be gained from beating yourself up and making yourself feel terrible. I just hope he’s not a peer, or even linked much at all, to your own kids. It could be quite painful for them.

Megifer · 26/11/2024 08:26

Op he probably had the time of his life 🤣 Didn't bugger off straight away? Hung around in the morning? Compliments? Nah he's not feeling grim at all about this.

People who are pathetic might gossip about grown consenting adults but they will move on once something else exciting happens in their lives, like they get their Clubcard vouchers early or something.

bifurCAT · 26/11/2024 08:27

Those saying he's going to get a ribbing from his friends and they're all going to have a laugh, you really don't know boys/men.

A conquest is a conquest. He's getting high fives for this. It's 'cringe', but that's how guys that age are.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 26/11/2024 08:27

GoldenLegend · 26/11/2024 08:22

Gosh there are some judgemental people on here!

OP he’s legally adult. I wouldn’t give it another thought.

Of course there are.

So you wouldn’t judge someone your age sleeping with your son or daughter at that age? You’d say “well he/she is a consenting adult so who cares”? Yeah right.

It’s done and yes he’s legal. But it’s sleazy and then embarrassing the lad by telling his mates is really grim. Horrible actually because she’s setting him up to have the piss taken out of him. My DS is that age and they would absolutely think it was grim if a 40 odd year old came to them to talk about having shagged one of their mates.

OP it’s unlikely these kids see you as a friend. They almost certainly see you as a mother figure. Until now….

bloodynaps · 26/11/2024 08:27

He is legally an adult however don't shit where you eat. He will probably run his mouth about you but should you really care about what perception this will create among your new friends? Well not really but you're keen to make new friends. Wrong judgement on your end.

Edingril · 26/11/2024 08:28

Same as a man of 43 sleeping with a 19yo female it is legal, but if you need to think this much about it afterwards was it worth it and enough to do it again?

secretbumworms · 26/11/2024 08:28

Legally it's fine. I'm the same age and can't imagine finding a 20-something attractive. The ones who run my son's sport club are like children. I can't believe you asked for advice from his mates though. That is gross. You know the whole group are going to be talking about you now, right?

Longma · 26/11/2024 08:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

CoffeeGood · 26/11/2024 08:30

Startinganew32 · 26/11/2024 08:21

I’m not saying the boy couldn’t consent. I’m talking about the “good on you” comments and “two adults”. Except it’s a teenager who was a child less than two years ago. I cannot imagine any middle aged man with teen children being congratulated on Mumsnet for having sex with a teenager. He’d be called creepy, disgusting, dangerous, and abuser, fuck knows. I just find the double standards quite depressing.

It’s also a reflection of our attitudes in society towards men. Whenever there is a story about a female school teacher and a teen male pupil, people are like “cor, he must have thought Christmas had come early” and the like when the research shows that these age gap relationships can be very damaging due to differences in life experience. On the other thread I mentioned, people were mentioning all those points but when it’s the boy who is 19, all we get is “good on you”.

Also OP sounds like the sort of person who probably would do this again. Rather than not speak of it again and staying the hell away from the circuits club, she has a heart to heart with the boys mate and asks him for advice about her one night stand.

Show quote history

You quoted me and told me to at "least own my hypoocrisy". I was not hypocritical and I told you why. I did not say "good on you" to the OP and whether you like it or not, a 19 year old IS an adult. And it is insulting to this 19 year old MAN (and indeed any 19 year old in this scenario) to paint them as a helpless victim.

But aside from that, how on earth can you decide that the OP "sounds like the sort of person who would do this again" from one post? And what does it matter if she does? It's STILL sex between two consenting ADULTS so irrelevant if she does it with a different 19 year old every night for the rest of her life!

Ohhbaby · 26/11/2024 08:30

Berlinlover · 26/11/2024 07:58

If this thread was about a 43 year old man and a 19 year old woman the replies would be very, very different. Mumsnet drives me insane sometimes.

'.If they were consensual, my reply would be exactly the same'
Haha, yeah right.
There was a thread here the other day about a woman who married someone who was like nearly 50 I think and she was in her early 20s. And most people pointed out that they started dating when she was 19 and he 40something and that it was very grim that he was interested in someone that could be his daughter.

I'm sorry there is no way you cannot surmise that this boy was a teenager. You're 43.
Even if he was in your early 20s I tgink it is grim and would not thi k it remotely funny if one of my friends slept with my son who let's school 4 months ago.
Really?

Echobelly · 26/11/2024 08:32

I think it's fine to feel awkward and embarrassed, and that it was a bit inappropriate, but no more than that. You can move on and it sounds like it's hardly likely to happen again.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/11/2024 08:32

WhiteLily1 · 26/11/2024 08:07

But it isn’t the other way around. And that matters. Of course the replies differ. Sex matters and men and women are not the same so the circumstances are not exactly the same.

Show quote history

And context matters. If the OP was here bragging about it she would be getting a different tone of response.

Cantabulous · 26/11/2024 08:32

you are overthinking this but I can see why, I would be the same. I would just balls it out, make no changes to what I do, keep busy, say nothing more to anyone and wait for any dust to settle. There’s probably far less dust than you think!

4forksache · 26/11/2024 08:33

ime many young men have a take to tell about their experience with an older woman! Let it go.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 26/11/2024 08:33

I don't agree with all of the people saying that it's OK because he is over the age of consent. I have a 19yo girl and would be horrified at the thought of her being with a 43yo man. I don't think it's any different just because the younger person is male and you're female.

I'm hoping that your own kids are too young to ever get wind of this.

Anyway, what's done is done now and you can't change the past. I don't think it was right but all you can do now is move on and not do anything like that again.

helgel · 26/11/2024 08:33

You'll have a bit of a reputation now OP, none of us know if that'd be a bad thing in your world though, so....

M340 · 26/11/2024 08:34

Berlinlover · 26/11/2024 07:58

If this thread was about a 43 year old man and a 19 year old woman the replies would be very, very different. Mumsnet drives me insane sometimes.

Wholeheartedly agree. The responses would have absolutely not been the same.

LBFseBrom · 26/11/2024 08:34

I am surprised you told the leader - unless he already knew. Hopefully it won't be spread around but - these things happen when there is a lot of drink. Many people will have done far worse I can assure you and may not even remember.

Try to put it behind you, the guy you slept with is not a child, he's a young man. Drink less next time you go out socialising.

TheaBrandt · 26/11/2024 08:34

Those threads are not comparable. They involve the younger party usually a girl but not always stunting their whole life path by marrying the much older person. That is very very different to a brief fling.

AllTangledUpInTinselAndTiaras · 26/11/2024 08:35

Nothing to feel ashamed of.

He's 19, he's a man. He wanted to sleep with you, so he did.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/11/2024 08:36

The man in question says don’t worry about it.
The circuit leader says don’t worry about it.
The lesson I would learn is to not have people back to your home for after-parties. It makes you vulnerable, and you live in a village community. Enjoy your social life with your group, keep getting to know people, but leave the end of the night as it is.
Anyone adding criticism on here needs to think have they have ever done something that makes their own toes curl? We have all done something.
Chalk it up to experience and keep your head held high. It’s a new day.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 26/11/2024 08:36

SapphireOpal · 26/11/2024 07:38

It's objectively no more weird that he's 19 than if he was 22.

Do you think you're just finding it more weird because you have teenage kids, and he is technically a teenager?

This

Startinganew32 · 26/11/2024 08:37

CoffeeGood · 26/11/2024 08:30

You quoted me and told me to at "least own my hypoocrisy". I was not hypocritical and I told you why. I did not say "good on you" to the OP and whether you like it or not, a 19 year old IS an adult. And it is insulting to this 19 year old MAN (and indeed any 19 year old in this scenario) to paint them as a helpless victim.

But aside from that, how on earth can you decide that the OP "sounds like the sort of person who would do this again" from one post? And what does it matter if she does? It's STILL sex between two consenting ADULTS so irrelevant if she does it with a different 19 year old every night for the rest of her life!

Show quote history

The reason why I think she will likely do it again is that she went and discussed this with the circuit trainer leader. It suggests that she has some warped view of herself being the peer of these boys instead of a woman nearly a quarter of a decade older. It’s also very very immature behaviour. Especially when you consider that she lives in a village where people presumably know one another well and there is gossip and she has teenage children. I can’t even begin to imagine how mortifying it would be to find out your mum shagged a teenager.