Can’t Believe what I’ve done

[Frostyliss]

Morning

I have done something so bad, and I am really beating myself up over it

i’m 43, divorced and a single mum of two teenagers. Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

last weekend I went on a night out with the people that I train with. There were lots of other people there who I hadn’t met, friends of friends etc at the end of the night some of them came back to my house for more drinks. The kids were staying at their dads so I didn’t have to worry about that.

The guy who runs the circuit training had a couple of friends with him. He is in his early 20s and I assumed that they were around the same age.

To cut a very long story short after a few more drinks and a lot of flirting with one of the guys who was there with the circuit trying to leader, I ended up sleeping with one of them.

This is very very out of character behaviour for me. I’m 43 and I haven’t had a one night stand since I was 20.

So here is the main issue. The guy that I slept with stayed in my bed until the morning. We were chatting the following day and I was explaining that I didn’t normally do this sort of sort of thing etc. He asked my age and complimented me. I asked his… he was 19

I literally felt my legs in go jelly like. I assumed that he was in his early 20s. I know that isn’t much older, however, it just feels different.

I feel really disgusted with myself and can’t stop thinking about what a massive mistake I have made it’s certainly won’t be happening again

I get on well with the circuit training leader and spoke to him about it last night and he told me that I was overthinking it and that I was just having some fun.

I keep thinking that people would take a very dim view of what I have done if I was a man sleeping with a 19-year-old woman

Am I overthinking this?

Nice bit of misogynistic ageism there. 🤡

The fact you didn’t mind if he was early twenties is still not great as you’re 43, and I’m judging that as I would on a 43 year old man who knowingly sleeps with a 21 yr old woman.

Stick to men who look in their 30s minimum. Anyone in their teens or twenties should be kept at arm’s length when flirting (etc). Imho.

So why is she wracked with unease now she’s found out his age?

I don’t see where youre getting misogynistic or ageism?

Sure you don’t.

I mean it's not great, but he's an adult and I'd be lying if I said that I'd not do the same thing. Don't dwell on it.

No really I don’t.

Why are you hanging around with 19-25 year old men it's weird. Where were the others?

It is a bit bleurgh and I wouldn’t want my 19 year old son sleeping with a 43 year old.

@Frostyliss

Last year we moved into a new village and I have made a real effort to get to know people and make new friends. I am really into fitness and have joined a circuit training group. This is also become part of my social life.

Well you've just undone all your hard work. Poor kids.

👍 There we are then.

I think you are misinterpreting the post. I don’t see any ageism or misogyny in there.

You’ve already said that. So, there we are then.

Meh. As long as it's legal and both parties are legal adults and no one was forced/coerced, who cares. I mean, I wouldn't do that myself as I've always been attracted to older men, but I don't see the crime.

I have a daughter, she's not 19 yet, but I'd tell her the same as above. I've shagged some hot muscly 40 year olds myself at that age and see absolutely zero problems with that. I wasn't forced, abused, coerced or traumatised, just having fun, partying and shagging hot dudes when young. 40 year olds are not some decrepit wrinkly Rupert-Murdoch-likes, they can be very fit and hot. Now serious relationships between 20 and 40-something would be a no, but sex? Fine.

Just for the love of god, stop hanging about and discussing your sex life with his mates, that's a bit pathetic, I must say.

It's done. No laws were broken.
Move on.

I mean it happened so you have to get over it. I think it’s a bit icky but not illegal so I would just try to forget about it. Hopefully your kids are quite a bit younger so they will never run in the same social circle?

I imagine he doesn’t regret it and he’s just laughing and his mates will just terrorise him for a bit. I’m mid twenties and when my mate was 21 he slept with a 41 year old. When all the lads get drunk they all start chanting “insert name shags grannies”.

It’s pretty grim to be honest.

I wouldn't keep hashing it over with other people. I don't think you've done something awful but not your finest moment either.

Cougar momma :-) My friend got married to a guy who was same age as her son. She was in her fifties and guy was early 30s... so.... there is no difference. As long as he was not under age, you should not put more thoughts into it as there is nothing you can change.

A man in his 30s has been an adult for many years, there’s a difference.

Oh don't worry about it, he's legal. It's not like he was unwilling or thought you were his age. It was a drunk one night stand, no one is going to judge you for it.

@Frostyliss If this thread was about a 43 year old man and a 19 year old woman the replies would be very, very different.
I believe indeed they would.

Because there is a fair difference between a 43 year old woman sleeping with a 19-year old male and a 43 year old man sleeping with a 19-year-old female.

(even today)

A girl of 19 can be coerced / persuaded / groomed into doing what an older and more experienced man wants

A young man of 19 is far more likely to have just enjoyed it for what it was with a woman he liked / boast about sleeping with an older woman to his mates / have used it as an outlet for sex / have used it 'just to see what it was like' (eeek! no disrespect meant there OP!)

Men - as a general rule - aren't as emotionally invested in a relationship at that age as a woman may be.
And a man certainly doesn't have to think about any consequences (in the same way that a woman does)

But he probably thoroughly enjoyed himself and was quite happy and would wonder why you were doubting yourself.

OP, I would probably feel the same at first ..... that I'd 'taken advantage' of the poor wee innocent lamb ................ but then thinking about it later I'd think ' ok, I'd rather he was older than 19 ............ but actually, no harm done and we both enjoyed it'

Don't beat yourself up about it. No harm intended and no harm done!

I'm sure he won't be over-thinking it :)

(eeeek! ................................. please don't come back with a thread entitled " 19-year old friend of my club leader has fallen in love with me - what do I do??!! 🫣🫣 )

They're barely adults, brand new to adulthood. Age is completely relevant when you're dealing with adults where one has lots of adult life experience and the other doesn't. It doesn't take a genius to work out why many find it disgusting.

Where do people on here who are repelled think that adulthood should start, if it doesn't start at 18?

18 is just the day someone is legally an adult. It's not like when the clock turns midnight you're automatically an adult, there's a transition period into proper adulthood.

Older teenagers/young adults are vulnerable, just like older adults can be very vulnerable and are often treated as such, they're not treated the same as the rest of the adults in the middle.

@Mayana1

there is no difference.

Err yer there is and why quote the post!!!

This 👏👏👏