I’m so glad I’ve got daughters instead of a son

[FfsBrian]

Because fuck me Mils get a hard time on here.

I wouldn’t be able to see any born grandchild with in the first few weeks - never mind hold them.

I wouldn’t be able to buy my son anything nice

Son wouldn’t be able to see me on mothers day

And god forbid I’d want to see my son on Christmas Day!

My son wouldn’t be able to talk to me if he was upset/stressed with his partner

I’d be scared to death of upsetting Dil incase I never seen my son or grandkids again.

However when any grandkids reached toddler stage and mum wanted a break I’d be expected to look after a child at the drop of a hat I’d not been allowed to try and forge a bond with.

😬😬😬

My husband is “allowed” to do all of those things. Since I have had children I don’t always have the emotional energy to mard over him.

They have a beautiful bond and I would not dream to put up barriers.

DH sees his mum every day. I see her most days. Our dc and their cousins are extremely close to her. We are important to her and she puts the work in.

I see my mum a few times a year. She is a bit distant in a lot of ways.

Both of them can do what they want at Christmas. I’m not up for wittering around and trying to control whose house other people go to.
I think it’s weird when people with grown kids make a fuss about Mothers/Father’s Day to the detriment of relatively new parents and small children.
It’s fine for a woman who has recently given birth to chose who she has close with her afterwards. If you are close your mum then it’s natural to want her around. My mil was great - she kept feeding me, but if you aren’t close then obviously it’s no good them being there at that moment. My mum is good at lower contact practical stuff like laundry. My sister was my biggest help - not DHs sister. I’m obviously closer to my own sister than sil and it’s fine for me to spend more time with her. Men haven’t just given birth so it’s not really about them as much in a practical sense.

I have 2ds and 2 dd. I don’t want to be the main character in their adult lives. If my sons said “sorry, darling, I can’t help the children make you a lovely Mother’s Day lunch because I’m going to drive 4 hours up the motorways with a bunch of daffs” then I’d think I’d basically failed to create an adult.

My MIL was a vile, vile woman.

Just be a decent person, understand your son has other priorities now, and then you don't have to worry about alienating your DIL.

Seeing my kids happy is my priority, not how quick I can get in there with my grandkids or whether or not I can give my son wads of cash without him telling his OH.

Thanks @Wildywondrous - it is in solidarity for Mils. Not sure why it’s being read as smug but I agree with your post x

I have two adult sons. Eldest one is expecting a baby with his gf. Our dynamic isn’t remotely like anything OP has described. We are kind, thoughtful and loving.

I'm a mum to boys.

I read a post on here the other day and ended up crying to my mum and partner about it.

I have a 2 month old at the moment and all these threads triggered PND and sudden gender disappointment. I started to become distant from my eldest and youngest as I thought what's the point. If I end up with DIL they'll hate me for no reason even if I'm support supportive.

I'm getting help now and limited my time on social media but I still struggle some times.

I assume you are not letting your children spend Christmas with your dad and step mum without you.

That is unbelievably cheeky and insenstive.

No need. Probably any pangs of pity should go to me! DD is a very successful artist and i'm very proud of her. But she doesn't do chatty socialising. She is big into Dungeons and Dragons and has her friends there. She doesn't like shopping or that girlie kind of chat.

When i go to visit, i am on a time limit really - we can go see a show at the theatre but once that's done, she makes it pretty obvious she has work to do!

She isn't being unfriendly or rude - she just sees no point wasting time on chit chat.

My DIL the convo flows smoothly and dil loves a café like i do! You'd never get my dd in a caff for more than the 20 mins it takes to eat a cake.

@Saschka which threads? I’m intrigued!

I’m glad you are getting help. Boys are lovely and sweet and snuggly and I know you will come to see that again when you are better. PND is so, so hard, but once you are out of it, you will see clearly again and realise that these feelings were not permanent or based in reality. If you’re as loving a mum as you sound, I am sure your boys will always want you in their lives

This. I am a MIL to 2 fabulous young women. I went wedding dress shopping . I did the flowers for one of the weddings. Her parents were happy to pay but wanted nothing to do with the 'doing' part of things. I look after my grandchildren every Monday. They have been for 5 sleepovers since July . They are 2.5 years and 10 months. We see / speak to sons every week and all get together frequently. DIL with children will suggest meeting up on a Thursday or Friday if we are free. We often meet for breakfast somewhere with all of them on a Saturday. They live 10 minutes and 20 minutes away. I have friends with daughters. They all have tricky relationships with their daughters. My best friend freely admits she walks on eggshells all the time. Her daughter has a habit of cutting people off . Once they're gone they're gone. Her daughter is pregnant and it's not the joyful mother / daughter experience my friend thought it would be. People have a vision of how having boys / girls will be. I don't know a single woman who does the girls girl things with her daughter or sees as much of their grandchildren as I get to. My own MIL ( first marriage) was horrid to me from day one. She is still alive . My adult children refer to her by her Christian name or as ' evil granny'. She is vile to/ and estranged from, all her children and grandchildren. Some people are nice to be around, some people are vile. They are just as likely to be your mum as your MIL.

Mil passed 5 years ago I miss her every day. She was wonderful.

My mum was the difficult parent in Law. She passed 9 years ago. In truth. I don't miss her much.

You know when you get those "If you could have dinner with anyone dead or alive who would it be" Id take another dinner with MIL dh my 4 kids and the 2 newbies. Dd1s fiancé and ds long time girlfriend. Over any posh celebrity.

I’m so sorry to read this. I know it’s easier said than done, but remember the stereotypes are just that.

Boys don’t automatically become not close to their mums as adults. In my family, on both paternal and maternal sides, the men remain close to their mums. As do the women. I wouldn’t say my family is unusually progressive. My husband is also close to both his parents.

People post most about the things they worry about or have made them unhappy, so you see far fewer posts from mothers of son’s who have great relationships with their adult sons, their DIL’s.

I’m glad you’re receiving the help you need at the moment, and hope things are feeling brighter for you soon.

Ha! Iove my MIL. She and FIL came to stay 3 days after u had my second baby via section. The day we came home. It was lovely. She looked after me and baby so well. FIL and DH took care of toddler. They would have done same but DC1 was born in lockdown.

They are coming to us for Christmas and so regularly.

Mother's Day she isn't as bothered DH sends a card and present (they live 3 hours away!)

I feel our relationship is the exact opposite what you've described

Thank you.

Talking to other boy mums and family who have adult boys helps to see that most posts are not the norm.

My cousin for example has a granny anix for my aunty and uncle in their garden and the entire family get along just fine.

I just wish I read more stories about how everyone gets along.

So what are you doing about the patriarchy OP? The society which places all expectations of relationship management on the women in any family and excuses men from even the most basic responsibilities?

I can think of half a dozen threads i've seen in the last week where the advice to Mi's citing problems with access and communication is to "go through the DiL" rather than set higher expectations of the sons.

Raise your sons and daughters to expect that both sexes need to manage relationships and communicate, both need to be able to manage all household tasks and childcare. Set your own expectations in the same and you reduce the likelihood of conflict.

Most of the threads on the subject here are founded in excessive expectations of the DiL/MiL dynamic and men who don't communicate. Then of course, we only see threads where there are problems - dog bites man isn't news, man bites dog is news.

We don't choose our in-laws or colleagues most of the time - don't expect them to be besties, just aim for a decent working relationship and let it grow. And make damned sure your sons are raised to take responsibiltiy for their own relationships.

I'm also a boy mum. My MIL is soo my a good job of teaching me how to be when my kids are older

You must be some sort of saint as the last thing I would do for someone who called me a Comprehensive School Scrubber is facilitate the relationship with my children. Aren't you worried that they will pick up her hideous snobbish and unkind views on their mother? She wasn't even a good mother to your DH. What leads you to believe that she will be a good grandmother?

Maybe think about it this way: you are raising a new generation. So looking to previous generations and their relationships isn’t helpful anyway, even if it were true. I do think our generation of parents is different. Just know that if you are loving and kind to your boys while maintaining healthy boundaries etc then they are very unlikely to turn away from you when they’re grown up.

My friend has a saying that I find really useful with anxiety. “Stop writing the story.”

I was indifferent to my MIL, being wife #2 I didn't produce any grand children as I was past that stage so she wasn't that fussy for me and didn't bother with me unless DH was there. Literally never once sat in a room with her socially on my own, only ever with DH.

Guess which DIL did all the Donkey work when she ended up with Alzheimer's though as my DH was at the coal face during Covid so wasn't around much for all the appointments and eventually getting her moved her into a care home?

Clue - it wasn't the other 'precious' child bearing DIL who was the favourite with MIL, the same DIL who was slowly emptying her bank account of her life savings, she run for the hills. God knows what she spend £70K of MIL's plundered bank account on as they don't own their house so no big home improvements needed.

I think that your generous cup of tea to
@allaboutsign should have been accompanied by not such a friendly biscuit OP!

I appreciate this light hearted thread @FfsBrian, and as a mother of at least 2 adult boys, I agree completely with what you said! 💐 for you OP 😉

@YoucancallmeBettyDraper honestly, I would not read into posts on mumsnet about mother in laws from a daughter in law perceptive, they always make them out to be the devil.

I am sure if you get chatting to mothers of adult sons, your mind will be put at rest.

It's very rare to read a positive post about a mother in law on mumsnet etc. as people are usually coming here for advice and if you have a great relationship, no advice is needed. Also some of it may be newspaper fodder trying to get an article written up and negativity in these situations is likely to reign the readers in.

While I am sure there are some unpleasant mother in laws, there are plenty of delightful ones.

I am the mother of boys and their dad has a wonderful relationship with his mum as do I. I go shopping with her, out for lunch with her, she is absolutely delightful and a wonderful Grandma to my boys.

My ex partner's mum was equally as lovely and I had a similar relationship with her, she was devastated when we broke up. She really was a lovely lady, shame her son wasn't so much 😆

There's nothing wrong with being autistic but as you'll know if you're autistic or you have austistic friends or family, many autistic people don't connect with others in the way that those of us who aren't autistic can, sometimes. My autistic friends and colleagues have often talked about finding social contact draining and difficult, because it's such hard work for them. I can entirely understand how the parent of an autistic child can love the child to bits but also miss the easy, rewarding bond that comes when you meet someone who you can relax and chat with on the same wavelength, as it were.

I make sure my husband has a nice relationship with my mil (even with their million fall outs) because my children will also learn from that relationship. It is also important for my children to have a relationship with their grandmother, not just my mum, just so they can grow up well rounded.

Yes there are things I don't agree with when it comes to my mil but because I've been so willing to building a relationship and maintaining it, the results have actually allowed me to have a better connection with her than she does with her sons.

So sometimes it isn't all the DIL fault, it's how the sons were raised...

I have a wonderful MIL. My own mum passed away 10 years ago and my MIL has been the grandma to my kids that I thought my own mum would be.

They have such a good relationship. My DS is now 17 and chooses to spend a week every year of his summer holidays with her. They text each other most days and he is now planning to go to university it the city where she lives so he can have family near by.