I’m so glad I’ve got daughters instead of a son

[FfsBrian]

Because fuck me Mils get a hard time on here.

I wouldn’t be able to see any born grandchild with in the first few weeks - never mind hold them.

I wouldn’t be able to buy my son anything nice

Son wouldn’t be able to see me on mothers day

And god forbid I’d want to see my son on Christmas Day!

My son wouldn’t be able to talk to me if he was upset/stressed with his partner

I’d be scared to death of upsetting Dil incase I never seen my son or grandkids again.

However when any grandkids reached toddler stage and mum wanted a break I’d be expected to look after a child at the drop of a hat I’d not been allowed to try and forge a bond with.

😬😬😬

To add, My MIL was more like, to me, "Get under the umbrella of my authority." Me: "No." She couldn't handle that.

One day she came over. We'd just had our second baby. DH was tired. Of course he was. We had a newborn. Within days of that visit we got a letter from another family member which proved MIL had told everyone how her poor son was suffering with his family responsibilities. With a two year old and a newborn, he was told by MIL to go and stay with them for a few weeks for a break. Don't worry about wife, she and the kids will be just fine. Interfering in my marriage, accusing me of being a burden to my DH because of the children we had mutually chosen to have.

I wonder why she hasn't seen us for many, many years?

So much wrong with this post that I could write an essay about it. For a start your blanket sexism and mother-blaming. No one ever, ever accuses fathers of failing to meet their children's emotional needs, it's all down to mothers. Just sod off with that. One of the many reasons women are deciding against having children is because they can see that men are still not shouldering anything like their fair share of the emotional or physical burden of raising children.

And as for your portrayal of wives as healing angels (or women with a rescuing or saviour complex) whose work (on top of most of the housework, the emotional burden and of course being there to meet the emotional and physical needs of the children at all times) also needs to include fixing their broken little-boy husbands, you can sod off with that too.

My PhD is about this subject and the way mothers are blamed for male failure/psychopathy in crime fiction. It is quite horrific the way women have internalised misogyny to the extent that maternal blame is pathologised and noone pushes back. 🤬

@YoucancallmeBettyDraper excellent post
And no women may not see it as their job but they can react when their husbands relationship with his mum seems odd and out of balance. Usually my way or the high way

And yes rather than blaming the new woman in his life for your relationship mils why not reflect and say, can my son happily say no to me?

Do I over reach? Have I adapted to my adult sons life?

These type of family power struggles are nothing new. Seen and heard it all in families, friends and even work colleagues, across all cultures e.g. MIL is a cow, DIL is a slapper etc 😕 It is sad to see and hear the impact it has on people's wellbeing. As the man in the middle I realised that I can either walk on eggshells and be conflict avoidance or be assertive to constructively influence better relations e.g. being fair minded with everyone involved, consistently challenge unreasonable behaviour/actions/words etc. The minimum achievement is to ensure everyone is civil. Anything more is a welcome bonus e.g. bonding, genuine love and kindness etc. Admittedly not many people can have the confidence to be in the middle of such power dynamics and get pulled in two different directions.

@CautiousLurker1 Absolutely. Well, maybe we can push back together. It feels like only yesterday when mothers were told that their children's autism was all down to their poor mothering. Always, always the mother they blame. Poor fathering never gets a mention because men aren't expected to be great parents. I'm now in my 60s: I had friend 30 years ago driven to the verge of suicide by the idea that if only she'd tried harder, been a better mother, given every last molecule of herself to her children, those kids wouldn't have been autistic.

I wasn’t my mil best friend but she could still do all of what you have mentioned. I have boys/girls and am happy I got to experience both. No preference while pg. In some situations I think some mums lose their boys but those boys probably need to stand their ground from day 1. Every family is different.

Thinking about it, my parents had 2 sons and a daughter. Their DILs are both lovely, the one SIL was a cunt.

Don't count your chickens...

You’ve totally misread my post if you’ve taken it was ‘smug’

Its in commiserations

I adore my MIL and make sure she knows it! We are much closer to my husband's parents than to my own.

I'm glad I have a son because he won't get near the amount of sexual attention, threats and nastiness I had to put up with as a young woman.
Also I like my mil

I say MIL and FIL in the post. And both partners help each other fix the wounds from their childhoods, in a supportive equal relationship.

Clearly touched a nerve 😂

My MIL is the best, I adore her.

Some parts of your post jumped out at me, though.

What if your hypothetical son's family want to do Christmas by themselves, or go on holiday somewhere? We don't go to anyone for Christmas Day and have been on holiday for it a few times.

What if, when you're a grandmother, your son made plans for his wife on Mother's Day that meant not seeing you? Going out or away somewhere?

Our kids don't owe us anything. We chose to have them and choose to raise them, they owe us nothing in return - especially not visits on specific days of the year.

In deed (in fact, my thesis looks at the mother/daughter dyad and autism too, as I’m an autie mum as as well - I have to write a novel as part of my PhD and this is centred in it!) I was interested because I truly assumed we have moved on from this narrative (which starts at prenatal classes/health visitors banging on about attachment styles, neatly laying the groundwork for mothers to become anxious they are doing it wrong from the second they give birth).

I am hoping the result of my thesis will be to educate young/new writers, agents, the publishing industry to stop peddling this rubbish and to be a bit more creative in the psychological profile/background stories of their main characters, rather than the lazy short cut to aberrant/absent/alcoholic/abjectly awful mothers…

Lol I dont have any problems with my DS or DIL. Mind you DIL's parents died young so Im all they've got.

My MIL and I are fine. She annoys me occasionally I am sure I annoy her occasionally. She is welcome to visit the kids and it’s nice to see her.

I wouldn’t say we are close but we have a perfectly good relationship. I think there was a time we probably could have been close but she wasn’t that bothered about getting to know me and understandably has her own life which I respect.

She is my kids grandmother though so she will always be welcome.

Maybe your daughter won’t get married. Maybe she won’t have children. Maybe your daughter is a lesbian and the “other” mother is favourited. Maybe you and your daughter will fall out horribly and she will never speak to you again.

As equally likely as being the forgotten grandmother.

Generalisations are ridiculous.

Sometimes the MILs are awful though! Mine absolutely hates me and blames me for DH not speaking to her and her not seeing our children when in reality it’s because she was violent and abusive and drunk the whole time he was a child. She could start a thread on here all from her side about how terrible I am and everyone would sympathise with her. What you read in here is rarely the full story!

Haha don't count your chickens.

Both my SILs are extremely selfish, mil just been given a short time left and neither have made any effort to come and spend what time she has left with her but instead have made constant excuses. My husband on the other hand has bent over backwards.

I'm fortunate enough to have been in an adult relationship for more than 20 years in which we each take personal responsibility for fixing ourselves and don't expect to be each others therapists.

They are totally about power struggle.

And what I don’t get are the “ you’ve got a DH problem” posts. Ok, in some cases the DH needs to step up. But increasingly what I see pedalled is this notion that a “ decent catch” will immediately all but sever ties to his mum ( “the apron strings” gets thrown about a lot ), tell her to stick it and devote himself to the every whim and dictate of the new wife.

Ok up to a point. But this behaviour is described as a strong man. What people seem to miss is he’s just being donkey- whipped by a different mistress.

And usually the type who can’t straddle the demands of shared loyalty and balance some thoughtfulness to his old mum is exactly the type who, when the wife’s boobs drop and the wrinkles make an appearance, is ready to trade in for a whip cracked by a newer, firmer-boobed mistress.

It’s a GOOD thing when a man has loyalty in a non-sexual and appreciative way that acknowledges care and demonstrates respect beyond a fresh sexual bond. But can you get a new bride to see it?

I take issue with the concept that only boy's emotional needs weren't taken care of - yes that IS true but its not like girl's emotional needs were taken care of respectfully either!

Girls are socialised to be kind, be generous, be attractive to decorate the world, be people pleasers and erode their personal boundaries for men to take advantage of. The bulk of caring for relatives falls on women, never men, because thats what women do isnt it?- they're meant to be kind and caring/nurturing and to heck with their emotional needs. Men may not be allowed to cry via societal norms but equally, women arent allowed to get angry because then they were labelled "hysterical" and its not "kind" to get angry is it?

Men typically take their anger out on others (violence) whilst women take their anger out on themselves (self harm).

Women have been oppressed and abused via societal norms for centuries. There has only recently been a shift in understanding issues that affect women such as PND or menopause changes - it was always previously taboo to talk about it or minimised as unimportant.

The idea that women's emotional needs were ever "taken care of" is ludicrous.- what about women's emotional need to feel safe and not be raped or attacked by men?

As a mother of 4 sons I say 'absolute bollocks'.

I love my MIL. I’m 61 & she’s 85. She will live in my heart forever 💕🥰