I’m so glad I’ve got daughters instead of a son

[FfsBrian]

Because fuck me Mils get a hard time on here.

I wouldn’t be able to see any born grandchild with in the first few weeks - never mind hold them.

I wouldn’t be able to buy my son anything nice

Son wouldn’t be able to see me on mothers day

And god forbid I’d want to see my son on Christmas Day!

My son wouldn’t be able to talk to me if he was upset/stressed with his partner

I’d be scared to death of upsetting Dil incase I never seen my son or grandkids again.

However when any grandkids reached toddler stage and mum wanted a break I’d be expected to look after a child at the drop of a hat I’d not been allowed to try and forge a bond with.

😬😬😬

Well I guess it depends on how you look at it when your daughters grow up have children relationships go wrong, and they will all end up living with you because the idea of being financially independent is a foreign idea

I loved my mother in law dearly and before we had children, I called in every evening on my way home from work for a cuppa. She's been gone over 30 years.

Here’s another way of looking at it.

Because of societal gender norms, a lot of boys’ emotional needs were neglected by the previous generation. As a result, when you meet and fall in love with a man who eventually trusts you enough to show you his vulnerabilities, you weep for the little boy inside him and do your best to help heal those wounds. You might not hate your MIL - I don’t hate mine - but it certainly colours your view of them and FIL.

Your children might never tell you the ways in which they feel you’ve failed, but they might well tell their partner. I wish women didn’t have to fix the little boys inside their partners, and I think this generation of mums are better at giving boys what they need, but it’s a change that is happening slowly.

I am civil towards my DM, and we have nothing in common. I read loads of books, she doesn't. I study, she's not at all academic . She likes shopping, I can't stand it.

Not all DDs have a great relationship with their DM.

I have one married daughter. I don't see her at Christmas as she travels, with her DH, to visit his family. It's the only time they get to see some of his side. That's perfectly fine. I get them the rest of the year anyway. Daughters are no guarantee you'll see them for Christmas every year.

There is a lot that happens on mumsnet or is the perceived norm that I've not come across in real life. I speak to my parents daily because I live 4 hours away from them and don't get to see them as much as I would like. My parents work part time but i do call around mine and their schedules. My dh works full time, his mum isn't awake when he commutes to work so he can't ring her then, he could ring her on his way home but as he sees her once a week doesn't feel its always necessary. We have talked about that but she is his mum and its not my job to police his relationship with her.

As a dil I have worked hard to establish my own relationship with her, she is my family too but different in that her love for me is not unconditional compared to my mum. I do not agree with the mumsnet trope that all stuff related to dhs side should be dealt with by him. They aren't just his family, they are mine and I treat them as such. My effort is welcomed, appreciated and reciprocated. I share plans with mil, send her photos of the kids at various activities, I ring her at least once a week because I care for her. My children's lives are richer for having her in it and so I nurture the relationship. It does help that she is not over bearing in any way, gives her opinion when asked but doesn't try to force it on me. She always respects me as their mum as I do her as their grandmother.

Many posters complain about the dil but it's their sons they should feel disappointed in. If a son can't be bothered ringing his mum to check in or text then that's his fault and I'd be more inclined to raise that with him. If he can't speak up and say that he would actually want his parents to see the baby at the hospital then he should have the balls to say so. If he doesn't do any planning, arranging of activities, childcare arranging or day to day life admin that comes with having a family and therfore doesn't share plans, with his family then that is his failing.

I agree I think MIL's get such a hard time on here. I am having a baby soon and we've kept my partner's parents in the loop exactly the same amount as my own parents. There'll be no competition to have my own parents visit the baby first, it'll be however it works out at the time and that may mean my inlaws coming over first and I'm totally cool with that. They are equally a grandparent to my child as my own parents. I feel very lucky to have amazing parents and in laws who I know will love our baby very much.

Shit like this thread is why women end up posting about having gender disappointment when they have boys.

I have a lovely daughter-in-law and son in law, both treat me with kindness and are fine and involved with me and my relationships with my children.

Doesn’t really matter though in the context of a lighthearted thread about themes on mumsnet and feels very underhand to bring that up.

I have a really good relationship with my MIL. She was the first family member to meet our second born.
Sadly my mum has now passed but my children had an equally close relationship with both grandmothers.
My DH is close to his family, we’ve been together 20 years and I love my in laws very much.

It goes both ways though doesn't it? My MIL decided she didn't like me before she even met me. Simply because my husband went to private school and I didn't. She actually named me "The Comprehensive School Scrubber!". She criticises everything I say and do and thinks I'm a bit thick. I'm not that bright, she's right, but the ONLY reason she ever sees her precious son and our child is because I'M the bigger person and insist he keeps in contact with her and insist we go and visit her. He wouldn't bother given a choice as she was a rubbish mother but I think it's important to maintain contact. So maybe some MIL's need to look at their own actions before they decide they are faultless and it's all the DIL's fault.

Well, to be fair, you can only have a power struggle with two participants.

All the women I know with issues with their MILs, the MIL in question is stomping all over their adult son's relationship.

Both my mum and my MIL can be annoying. If I were to rank all parents though, it would be:

My dad
His mum
My mum
And way fucking down, his dad

I would agree, I think it’s good that YOU aren’t going to be a MIL to a DIL. This odd & smug mumsnet post is just the type of behaviour that gets MIL’s cut off. I don’t think you’d make a good MIL for a DIL, so good job you won’t be 🤗

Op what's there to talk about if your relationship is good?

My Mil is awful and she's robbed us of a grandma figure in all our lives. Life would have been 100 times easier for us had she been nice

I think your DH is the problem if he couldn't stretch himself to understand that his children might love and want a relationship with their grandparents. Shame that he couldn't be the bigger, more generous person who could see a bit further than his own feelings. It can be done: see this from another poster:

I love my MIL. She was the first person to meet my first baby. I make sure my children have a deep relationship with her and my FIL and maintained that even when I wasn’t together with their son. I’m cooking Christmas dinner for her and FIL (and ten others) and they will sleep in my bed whilst we get the pull out sofa. We see her every Mother’s Day. I buy her a happy Mother’s Day to grandma card from the kids, which is hard for me to buy because my own mother is dead.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis

Exactly but unless you've lived it or seen it first hand it's hard to understand

No it doesn’t. Mainly the threads about Mils on here are so minor yet cause so much destruction with in families. When a little compromise is needed.

I can draw on my own family dynamics ss you’ve been going through my past threads - you will know I am NC.

My mother is mentally unwell because she was broken in the care home system by being repeatedly sexually abused by many foster parents. She is known in the area that she is lives in as ‘Mad xxxx’ - she is also well known to the police. She’s been sectioned many times and regularly tried to hang her self outside our bedroom doors on significant birthdays. My brother and I had to walk away for our physical safety. I would like to speak to my mum again because as a woman i know she is broken and it’s instinctual for me to want to help but she is destructive, violent and way beyond my help.

So it’s not the win you think you had. Most parents (mils) are not like my mum. My mum is extreme - And I can see that a lot of the threads are just a power struggle between Dil & Mil. Too easily are the responding replies - go NC, ‘I’d never take my kids to see them’ , making DH choose where his loyalties lie ect..

The thread was tongue in cheek but clearly it’s bothered you enough to go through my past posts ☕️

There are MIL who have this territory thing with their children but also women who would not marry or want a relationship with their partner Iif they got on with their MIL

But what about SiL and FILs, posters on here don't mention their FIL much?

There shouldn't have to be a power struggle. My MIL wanted to be queen bee in my house, be in charge, have all the authority over the children and be the matriarch of the family. There wouldn't have been a power struggle if she'd recognised that I was the mother, she was the grandmother. It was my home, not hers. I might do things differently, that's not her business and not her choice in my home.

I think some MILs might struggle because they see their son's home as an extension of theirs, his family as an extension of theirs, and expect to have authority as such. Those who recognise their son's family as it's own unit, which they are an extension of, will have no trouble.

Same here - didn’t speak to mum for nearly 10 years before she died, but I adore my MiL - and FiL and SiL too. They’ve been more loving and supportive of me and our kids than my bio fam. Couldn’t love them more.

Wow, this @allaboutsign is a joy. To be bothered to dig up your past posts to make a petty point on this is beyond the pale. Please report to MNHQ.

I agree OP. I read threads all the time about challenging relationships, or OPs not wanting to go to birthdays or leave their child with family memeber etc.... it always ends up being the MIL.

I have two sons and I do worry about this stereotype. It's like a mum having a relationship with an adult son is wrong. Yet a mum having a close relationship with adult daughter is perfectly fine.

I say this as a women myself, I do think that a lot of women can be very controlling in these situations. Happy for there musk to be in the scene and heavily involved but rejecting of the other side.

Of course this doesn't apply to every situation, that goes without saying!!!!!

But yeah, it's a bit of an eye roll on here....

Sadly you are absolutely right. This is the journey most sons end up on, in all but a few exceptions.

You are acting like a troll, bringing up another post to score petty points here.
Very classy and supportive