I’m so glad I’ve got daughters instead of a son

[FfsBrian]

Because fuck me Mils get a hard time on here.

I wouldn’t be able to see any born grandchild with in the first few weeks - never mind hold them.

I wouldn’t be able to buy my son anything nice

Son wouldn’t be able to see me on mothers day

And god forbid I’d want to see my son on Christmas Day!

My son wouldn’t be able to talk to me if he was upset/stressed with his partner

I’d be scared to death of upsetting Dil incase I never seen my son or grandkids again.

However when any grandkids reached toddler stage and mum wanted a break I’d be expected to look after a child at the drop of a hat I’d not been allowed to try and forge a bond with.

😬😬😬

It’s so lovely to sometimes hear of these healthy bonds.

It can go either way though OP. My mil was horrible to me for years. So yes I did post about her on here a few times over the years. I think if someone feels the need to write a post about a mother in law on here then it will normally be be because they need advice about a situation involving the mil or the mil is driving them crazy and the op needs to vent!

Edited to say pop over to Gransnet and I’m sure you will find plenty of daughter-in-law bashing posts on there!

Perhaps you had loving parents and so don’t need that from your partner. Other people do, and they share with each other their feelings about their childhoods and where they think their parents went wrong. I think it’s really healthy to do that, especially as it can inform your own parenting.

I think a lot of boomer parents have no real idea about their kids’ feelings about how they were raised. Their adult children talk about it in therapy or with their partners and friends but often would never talk to their mums and dads about it. Often boomer parents can get defensive just knowing their kids are in therapy.

Great thread.. i have 1 DS and just found out i am having another boy, no daughter i always dreamt of. No way we will try forma 3rd child. Your thread is one of my many concerns

What a stupid thread, especially given your own issues with your mother (I’m sorry for your troubles, and hers, that sounds incredibly hard) which I would think would give you some degree of insight into more complicated relationships, albeit yours is somewhat an extreme example.

Sometimes it’s much simpler, and people are just arseholes, who overstep boundaries and care little about anyone else’s emotions but their own. These people can be men or women, and those women may be MILs, DILs or anything else. It’s unsurprising sometimes familial relationships can be strained sometimes. I’ve had far more issues with my own mother than my mil, who’s rather easy to get along with really.

I get on better with my DIL than my own daughter! My daughter is autistic, lives alone and is very busy. She is not one for chatting and sharing stuff with her Mum really.

DIL is Mum to my Grandchild, not autistic and really easy to talk to. And she's a fantastic partner to my son.

I can’t help but feel a pang of pity for your DD reading that.

exactly same as me 😂
Met my own mother one day during summer by chance she was with a friend of hers I had never met. friend said oh I didn't realise you had another daughter you never mention her 😂 own Mother went so red in face
mother in law is not perfect ( who is) but she would do anything for us and so helpful and non judgemental

😬

I’m sure it’s been said already - but people don’t tend to post on MN because everything is rosy in relationships. So the posts we see are about the difficult DIL/MIL relationships, the challenging blended families, the unhappy partnerships and so on.

There will be many more who are just getting along fine.

I hear you, OP, I hear you 🤣

Wow.... that's really harsh on your daughter. Is there something wrong with being autistic?

there’s being polite and there’s what his parents did- she had the affair, and is the shitty person, not him. She also cleared out all their accounts knowing she was going to kick him out.

for his own mental health he had to stop visiting his parents as he’d find her there having a cup of tea. Or his mum would be telling him about how they’d called in to the ex and how good the new bloke was with his kids.

he saw his kids every weekend, but the ex started giving his parents first refusal for childcare. He’d find out his parents had had the kids for a week afterwards.

they literally cut him out. Family events invited her, om and the kids, not him. They were fine with him if he phoned or went round, but they treated her and the OM as family. had keys to her house, would go let themselves in etc.

they never even attempted to involve themselves with him and the kids, only her.

he still saw the kids as much as possible so they did not need to keep in touch with her to see them.

People are allowed to experience other people’s neurodivergence as a difficult thing. There are no thought police.

Take genders out of it.
It's relationships. If you do your own work on yourself your trauma your bias your boundaries and other people's. Work on your listening skills and resilience.

You're far more likely to be able to navigate all relationships in your life more successfully. We can't control others obviously but we can accept and we can compromise meet in the middle/boundaries/create distance if we need to.

I don't worry about any of the things you have mentioned in your post. I have 3 sons. If I become a mil I trust that the bond and groundwork I have built with my sons and I is more likely to hold our relationship in good stead. I have no preconceived ideas of what it will look like. We can forge that together should they want to as well as their potential partners.

I also don't worry about being a empty nester I have passions and hobbies coming out my ears. Other relationships outside of my children.I won't be living through my children. If they want to move across the world, if I can't see a grandchil till they are 3 years old. Then so be it. Are they happy? If so then great. I respect my son and their partner. What do I want to protect? the relationship with them both! So I need to listen to what they need and want. How can I support? I can ask them how they want if at all to be supported/ in what ways.

That relationship works both ways. I will have my own boundaries to also protect myself with clear communication.

I agree op and I have a son. His GF is bloody lovely and I get on with her so well but I realise that I’m lucky. So many DIL on MN apply such fine unwritten expectations on their partners’ mothers and seem hostile to them even being around or having any voice. It’s very depressing.

Some of us have MILs who genuinely aren't interested.

I spoke to my mil numerous times both before and after my children were born to encourage her to come and see us more. She never did.
I even went to the point of speaking to her when DC1 was born to say that we'd really like her to be involved in our lives and see the grandkids as it's important to have family and know them (she lives an hour away - I've never asked her for childcare). She replied back and said that she saw pictures so it was basically the same.

After a while, you stop bothering.

In 15 years, they've come to us for Christmas twice. Once since we've had kids. This year, as BIL are away, they're having Xmas at home with family and also no plans for Boxing Day. Not a mention of if they'll see the kids or us. So we're doing our own thing. It pisses me off on behalf of my husband and children tho ☹️

Yes, yet more girl-mum smuggery 😑

I have both girls and boys.

I loved my MIL very much and I still miss her.

i have three DDs and there is SO much more I am grateful for with respect to them than not being some woman’s MIL. Though actually I might be in the future as one of my DDs is queer 😊

i find being MIL to two men quite difficult. I love and respect them both very much, but in the end they are the products of different families and I often fall foul of their ingrained expectations. However, we share a deep love for the DD in question so we muddle through.

The only reason I’m glad I didn’t have boys is that I didn’t have to fork out for any boy clothes.

The majority of the posts I’ve seen the MIL has been the issue but blaming the DIL.

Well done on adding to the stereotype. I am a mum of 2 boys and I just want them to be happy. I will be the best mum I can be and will respect their decisions as they grow, the same as I would if I were a mum of girls. Balls to this whole mums of girls have it better thing. I miss my PIL. They were amazing, kind and wonderful grandparents. I wish we could have had them for longer.

You've ruffled a lot of feathers here op and it's astounding how the vast majority are attacking you and can't see that you wrote your post in solidarity to MIL's and aren't being smug, you're pointing out how many women treat their husbands parents differently to their own.

I agree.

I've been on here for 11 years and lost count of the times posters are moaning that their mil is over excited about their pregnancy or wants to see the baby or heaven forbid wants to hold it or buys a pink dress for a girl, they then go on to say that of course their own Mum will see the baby often because they live closer or they are generally a nicer person than their mil.

You'll often see posts from mils that are heartbreaking about how badly they're being treated by their dil and how they're treading on eggshells in case they lose contact with their gc.

I understand that there will be toxic inlaws and that, on the whole, by nature our bonds to our own parents will be closer than those with our in-laws but it seems there are a lot of adult women out there who treat another woman badly just because they're the parent of their partner.
I don't think it's a conscious decision but it definitely happens.

think in this case they were thinking of the kids. which is admirable
what ever happened the kids didn't not choose their parents to split up and it's great they still have a relationship with grandparents
a very sad situation that could have been handled better by the adults expecially your dh

Despite DC Granny never liking me (I had no religion/we weren't married/age difference etc
I knew it was important for Granny & DC to have contact & ex couldn't be relied on (we split just after the birth)
Mainly by phone because of distance.
When she was given a terminal diagnosis I took DC to see her one last time. The best visit we'd had. She opened up, was easier in my company and my DC has some great photos and memories.
I haven't had any other relationships where families are involved like that.

Sometimes on here, I do feel some of the complaints by MIL & DIL could maybe be fixed by talking.
I think as humans we are losing the art of plain speaking communication.
By that I don't me 'I just tell it like it is' I mean less therapy speak iyswim?
I hope that makes sense and hasn't offended

Glad I’ve got sons. Don’t have to worry about plastic dolls everywhere, hair plaiting, girl bitches etc