On holiday and burning with rage

[RagingInTheSun]

What is WRONG with me? On holiday with DH and two kids (aged five and one) and I am so, so angry.

I put so much time and effort into finding this lovely place, making sure DH and the kids would love it and extra surprises like an upgraded room. Packing, organising, planning - no else had to do anything, I sorted it all. But we're on day 4 and I'm miserable. The older child's behaviour is diabolical and I'm constantly telling them off and/or removing treats as consequences. The younger one has a cold and is whingy and unhappy. DH can't seem to see how bloody lucky we are to be here and is grumpy/finding fault with everything. Also he looks to me for everything instead of using his initiative or asking a member of staff.

I didn't build it up in my head, or have unrealistic expectations or anything - I just thought it would be better; that we'd be happy and have a lovely time.

I'm so sad

That's great! Glad to hear it.

My friend traces her divorce back to a hellish Disneyland trip so asking your DH to step up is very important!

Holidays with children are hideous until they are 7/8 they go back to being hideous when they ate teens. Drink wine eat nice food push through. Ps love taking my grandchildren anywhere and they are much naughtier than my children!!!

In regards to kids it does get easier! This years holiday is the first year it seemed just so much easier and actually felt like a relaxing holiday, youngest is 7, older ones are 13,13 &10. It was so much better than previous years due to them being older and more independent. Can’t help with DH sorry but it does get better! Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of your trip

Sounds like bliss

This resolves things with children who are only one and five? Little kids often don't like to go away on holiday and prefer the routine and familiarity of their homes, and they will likely feel upset and bewildered to be spoken to so aggressively. (As a woman, I object to the C word, BTW). OP is unreasonable to expect them to appreciate all her efforts. A quiet word with her husband might be in order, however.

Definitely this!

Go out, leave them to it. Let them wallow in their misery and enjoy yourself.

As a woman, I object to the C word, BTW

And I don't. It's much less offensive etymologically than vagina, sounds great, and should not be the 'worst' swear word when you can say prick and nob with impunity.

I like to reclaim it.

Unfortunately, the truth is that holidays can be stressful, because everyone has expectations-including you.
Sorting everything out for everyone, is just going to be expected if you usually do this, and the harsh truth is you are not going to get much appreciation for it- unless you show them what it is like when you are not smoothing things over. Don't always be the one to discipline-just walk out for a few hours , do something for you , leave them to it and don't think about what is happening while you are gone.
I wouldn't just put your eldest in the kids club, they may be being bratty, but that is only a small part of the problem. Your DH needs to step up and realise there is a lot of work to be done, and rather than whingeing he needs to get on with it.
You need for all of them to think about what things are like when you are not there, otherwise you will be doing thankless tasks and smoothing everyone's life but your own for the rest of your life, and no one will realise they have enjoyed the holiday-they will just focus on complaining about everything.
I completely lost it after years of planning holidays to the last detail, and getting nothing but complaints.
My ultimatum was if you want a holiday next year, plan it yourself- and he did. He managed to place us directly under the flight path from Rhodes airport, half an hours bus ride from a decent beach. I smiled and slept like a baby, and enjoyed the bus ride- he complained , then got used to the noise, and bus ride apologised and I haven't had a complaint since.

Bless you, you're so stressed out from sorting everything out. Tell hubby you're on holiday now and he has to man up and share the load. Let him look after your older child, let him take them swimming and you grab some down time with the youngest. If he's not happy tell him to feel free to plan the rest of the holiday. Let him, just let go and let him. Forget about yours and anyone elses expectations and try to relax, make happy memories and relax. You're on holiday for goodness sake, normal rules don't apply. Stop being so hard on yourself and others. It's precious family time and families are never perfect. I used to keep a holiday diary and looking back at them is hilarious. I blame Instagram and Facebook, people lying about their perfect holidays, it's all bollocks really.

Solid advice here. I've been here, lower your expectations look at the good things, they far out way the bad

Sorry your having a miserable time, that’s tough when you’ve put in so much effort

the child of 4 will unfortunately not understand punishments yet, it’s sad that they are being naughty- are they’re other ways of dealing with them rather than punishing?

as for dh every time he looks to you - literally point him in the direction of staff, every time. Even if you know the answer point him in the direction of find out the answer himself
hope that he then learns to seek answers himself first

Love this!!! 🤣🤣🤣

I love the word cunt 🙂

Both you & your husband are the problem. 50/50. The "he pays/I plan" will not work in the long run. The kids are just being kids & share no responsibility. If you are letting people enrage & disappoint you, they are living rent-free in your head.

@SewPaintGarden where did you get "he pays/I plan"? I'm the main earner in our household. I paid. As I pay for most things, without resentment - this isn't about money, it's about emotional and mental investment. I'm curious to know why you assumed that my DH paid for the holiday . . .

Because over and again, someone didn’t RTFT 🤦🏼‍♀️

Bless. I understand the rage. So much good advice already… getting some alone time etc. I’d just like to add, I think it’s reasonable to also train DH to give verbal thanks & if complaining do so in a compliment sandwich (good thing, complaint, good thing).

I sometimes have to remind by DH of this (& I always have to remind my own father when he visits). Hoping to raise my son better than them.

I think it’s fair to say: “I think what you mean to say is: Thank you for organising,
planning and packing for this holiday. I love most of it and love you, one small issue Im
having is XYZ but I’m overall ready enjoying this thank you.”

I also explain the mental load to my DH. He’s also hopeless at planning & can be direct in his language. But he usually understands now, that when I’ve planned something, to remember I’ll be extra sensitive about criticism of said event and it’s nice to also say some good stuff. I do sometimes have to remind him. It’s how polite & emotionally intelligent conversation works. (Thanks for organising tickets to fireworks, very annoying they are running late, still a great idea to come to this.)

My DH cooks from time to time & I point out I always say thanks for cooking and compliment. And if something doesn’t quite work I still say what I like before saying what doesn’t work. Or I say “Thank you for washing the car, I just went inside and noticed the back window really needs a clean, but the car looks great overall. Thanks”. So much nicer than “back window was missed”.

My bad. In general, most men pay & most women plan, although sometimes the roles are reversed or more specifically in your case, you are responsible for it all. In that respect, you are also responsible for how you react, your rage & frustration with DH. Calm down. I stand by "The kids are just being kids & share no responsibility. If you are letting people enrage & disappoint you, they are living rent-free in your head." Take a breath, or not. My mistake, you seem to just want to vent, rather than consider or elicit advice. Sad.😒

In general, most men pay & most women plan

Really? Because in almost all cases I know, both are earning and therefore paying and yes, the women do most of the planning. Unless you live in a weird Stepford Wives place, women do work. And if they don't, they contribute childcare and therefore the man isn't paying, the household shared funds are.

This. (I never plan, but I realise I'm an outlier.)

@SewPaintGarden . . . your posts are quite patronising. And actually your many assumptions are just plain wrong - I would never take out my frustrations on my kids; I definitely address bad behaviour though, whatever the circumstances. I also don't think there's anything wrong with having a bit of a rant or a vent on an online forum to let off some steam. As for not seeming to want to take advice - well, yours seems a little strange and not quite based on reality! Perhaps we live in very different worlds/circumstances. I've had plenty of useful advice on here that DOES apply to the situation though, so I took that onboard for the remainder of the holiday.

Good lord, overreaction much?

I think that @RagingInTheSun had basically dealt with the situation and before you made your sexist regressive comment. And for information I pay for every holiday in our family as I earn more money. In terms of my friends they largely contribute equally. Because we no longer live in the 1950s.

Apart from the people advising us to do self-catering in the UK. As if shit weather and having to plan meals, go shopping and cook and clean would improve the situation

But you don't have to plan meals, shop, cook and clean! I make it a rule when we self-cater that any cooking I do is going to be strictly limited to, at most, turning on an oven or microwave to heat something up. If we're out and about we'll grab something to eat wherever we are, we take ourselves out for at least one full dinner, and otherwise we have things like takeaways, salads, baked potatoes, and local bread, cheese, paté etc. One big shop before we go for basics is generally fine, topped up with the occasional milk carton. For preference we'll aim at something like a farm shop or farmer's market for local produce. Result is minimal washing up (which we share out between us) and generally we just have a vacuum/sweep/wipe round before we leave.

Face it, you can definitely have shit weather abroad. The trick in the UK is not to have weather-dependent holidays - there are some fantastic places all over the country that you can enjoy just as much whatever the weather.