On holiday and burning with rage

[RagingInTheSun]

What is WRONG with me? On holiday with DH and two kids (aged five and one) and I am so, so angry.

I put so much time and effort into finding this lovely place, making sure DH and the kids would love it and extra surprises like an upgraded room. Packing, organising, planning - no else had to do anything, I sorted it all. But we're on day 4 and I'm miserable. The older child's behaviour is diabolical and I'm constantly telling them off and/or removing treats as consequences. The younger one has a cold and is whingy and unhappy. DH can't seem to see how bloody lucky we are to be here and is grumpy/finding fault with everything. Also he looks to me for everything instead of using his initiative or asking a member of staff.

I didn't build it up in my head, or have unrealistic expectations or anything - I just thought it would be better; that we'd be happy and have a lovely time.

I'm so sad

I'm afraid I agree with the one day off, one day on when you have kids -if they are the age of having them both being demanding or whingey to both of you somehow feels worse than having a day on duty and a day off to chill - and then all convene in the evening-

I always write off the first few days of a holiday as a settling in period when DD seems to winge the whole time. It takes a while to get adjusted. Lowered your expectations and just go with the flow

Holidays with babies suck tbh but holidays with primary aged children are often wonderful on a they’re good in the pool and able to go to kids club. Basically it’s very normal to feel a bit disappointed especially if you’ve been looking forward to a holiday for a long time. I had one holiday with a 1 year old that I wish I hadn’t bothered with but it does get better.

Kids= normal.

DH bit useless. Needs some home truths.

Absolutely get a child, better still both of them into kids clubs. Doesn’t matter whether they want to or not, it’s not their choice, you need a break. Obviously you can grab one/ both a swim in the afternoon/ evening walk etc but you need some time to yourself.

Get DH into the habit of having both kids on his own now. Ideally on holiday “could you just take the kids out for 10 min so I can have a shower in peace” but also at home too. He really should be able to cope with things like a trip to the park, playground, feed ducks, library, going out for a hot chocolate. Littlest in the buggy, older one on a buggy board/ scooter. If he’s on his own he has to work it out. Just try not to be critical unless you really have to. If you don’t get him into the habit now you’re making a rod for your own back.

And yes next time lower expectations and plans- save the money for when you can expect them to be on the iPad for couple of hours a day!

Holidaying with small kids is just tidying up in a different house. Lower your expectations OP. It gets better when theyre 10 or so!

My sister used to say a holiday with small children isn't a holiday; it's just a change of scene. She was right. Once I got that, I accepted it. My children are adults now and they reflect on how much they loved our holiday breaks which is why we did it of course. Book a childfree break for yourself sometime. You deserve it.

Another vote for tag team between you and DH and that way at least you're guaranteed to get some down time.

Also it's just the nature of holidaying with very young children. We had this in Tuscany, both kids were a nightmare and we didn't go away again until youngest was at least 3.5, out of nappies and bottles and could articulate herself a bit. Mafe a huge difference and so worth the wait.

Before that stage, DH and I took it in turns to have one week off per year each and went away with our friends friends. So at least we each got a proper holiday and break and knew the other could manage the kids.

Young kids out of routine and less sleep is never a good mix. But this is all kids. Your husband however that's annoying I hate it when people pick fault with things. It just brings the mood down and it's just unecessary. Unless I went on a 20k holiday (will never happen) I'm pretty happy at whatever as long as it's clean.

@RagingInTheSun kids are a bloody nightmare for getting sick, tired or whingy on holiday. Mine are older now but we haven't had a holiday without something...vomiting bugs, earache from the plane, hand foot and mouth (that was dreadful), fever, multiple nosebleeds and covid. I always travel with copious amounts of covid and let them eat just chips and ice cream for the week if its stops them whinging. I also indulge in lunchtime wine and the odd cocktail as a little reward for all my hard work planning. I think a 1 year old on holiday is probably hard work where ever you are. If you want to help your dh be more self sufficient just respond to every one of his questions with another question. "What time shall we go for dinner?" "I don't mind, what time do you think?" Etc. Also agree on taking turns to be on duty with the kids for an hour or so, then you can both get a break.

Mine were the same at that age, some kids just don't like their routine and familiarity being changed. Holidays with small kids is just the same shit in a different location without all your stuff that makes life easier.

Talk to DH, take some time to yourself to reset, have a drink, and hand over responsibility to him. And I hope it improves.

FWIW, and others have said it, but holidays with young kids are grim. We bought a touring caravan when our kids were really small and used that for years (even when we went somewhere different it was still familiar so kids didn't need to readjust to all new surroundings if that makes sense). It helped too as because of childcare expenses DH and I used to take alternative hols over the summer (we were very lucky in that we didn't have to pay year round childcare and didn't pay for when the kids didn't go). So he would take leave when I was working and vice versa, we had a few weeks off all together but when he was off with the kids he would take them somewhere localish in the caravan and I would go to work from there, and it meant from early on he took the holiday responsibility.

We also went to Disneyland Paris a few times so very kid friendly, busy and no time to whinge, so it wasn't all rainy beaches and campsites. We only started going abroad a few years ago when DCs were 8+ and the difference is immense (I think they were just glad to be somewhere warm and not caravanning). With them being older they are great at packing clothes they want to bring and will therefore wear, and as they are fairly good swimmers now they love the pool and I can relax with my kindle.

So yeah, OP, long winded way of saying get a caravan

I'm joking, it's not for everyone

Personally I'd find something nice to do for the day on your own, and leave your crap husband to it with the kids. He sounds useless.

As they say holiday equals - childcare in a different location !

I am not sure if you are in an apartment / room . After having more than 1 child I always found it easier to get a holiday cottage / home and stay in the uk until they were all over 6 . Still would hate to be stuck in a hotel room with my nearest and dearest . Prefer having the use of more space and preferably a garden / outdoor space .

Yes it means you have to tidy up a bit before you leave and cook more - but can still go out for food / get take aways / easy meals .Look at what would work for your family .

I think for your own sanity - use holiday clubs and split the childcare and get some time on your own even if just a long bath / walk . It does get easier .

Lower your expectations & a glass of wine also helps .

Comfort yourself with the thought that in ten years or so both DC will be much better company. My now adult sons are such fun and we even like the same sort of holidays.

"Yes, I do like some sun and beach but I must have a spot of culture", says DC2.

In all honesty I totally feel you, I have a 3 and 5 year old and we've had some awful holidays. But I've learned from them! I am not willing to give up holidays abroad, it's the only thing I bloody look forward to!! so what I do on holiday now is I basically let the kids do what they want, we refrain from telling them no unless it's damaging something or hurting someone (or annoying other people). We give them screen time on the afternoons (tablets with headphones) so we can have some peace and quiet and relax, and absolutely no complaints from the kids. If they eat ice cream for dinner the whole week, who gives a fuck if they're not whining and complaining! I spend a euro on those stupid toy machines where you get an egg and it's got a cool little toy in it to keep them happy for an hour or two. We try to buy them some new beach toys too that we can also take home with them.

My DH is also a huge grump and can be unbearable sometimes, and last year I lost it one day and I did just fuck off to the beach on my own and got myself a cocktail from a beach hut. This is 100% my plan if he's shitty next time too! I told him how much I enjoyed my little 2 hour beach trip alone, and I reciprocated for him later in the hol.

On our last day we had the joy of a dual nap and we got a bottle of wine and drank it on the terrace while they slept. It was the best day of tje holiday!

Get them in kids club early on - we made the mistake of waiting until maybe halfway through the holiday but once my eldest went in, she wanted to go every day and was gutted when it wasn't open at the weekend! She loved it!

I arranged a family group holiday this year for DH's 60th. It was the one and only time I will ever do it.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

surely no way a holiday is going to be anything other than same shit different place when your kids are that young?!

a 1 yr old? I mean - no 1 year old enjoys a holiday it's just harder to settle them

Lower your expectations. Seems like you’re putting pressure on it to be perfect. Don’t bother having the same standards you would at home. For behaviour or manners - unless they’re really bad don’t bother telling the off. Tell DH you’re going to take tomorrow afternoon to yourself and he’s in charge.
enjoy it.

I sorted it all. But we're on day 4 and I'm miserable.

I don't understand this statement.

You organising it all and then your child being difficult and your husband being a dick would make me miserable AND angry. Not angry so much with the child, but with the snotty husband.

I think if you organise something it's easier to pick up on any ungratefulness and entitlement from others.

Anyway, tell your husband to sort himself out.

We love travel and holidays but after a few utterly disastrous trips we gave up and went to Devon for a few days. When they were tiny my parents kindly had them for 2 days we went to a really posh hotel 40 mins away

I disagree. We took our kids abroad (and long haul, not Europe) from when they were babes in arms and every stage from there.

We had 2 roles - I was the organiser and planner and my husband was everything else. He was up early (as he always is) and relished all the time he could have with them. He wore them out so we could have lunches while they slept and long evenings together.

The schlepping of car seats, travel cots and buggies is the only thing I remember as being a pita.

Holidays with kids “same shit somewhere else”.
Never a truer statement was made by a female somewhere.
Pffft. Sympathies op. It is fucking miserable.

No matter how much effort you put into a family holiday, you're still taking the same personalities and irritations with you. Whingers are gonna whinge. Idlers are gonna idle. The very best you can do is try to avoid places that are going to bring out the worst in them (too hot, boring, too stimulating, whatever) and accept that unless your hard work has included personality transplants all round, you are going to end up with same shit, different place. On the plus side, some of this will actually be very nice, because they will also be bringing their positives with them, and on balance you may well find the experience to be more good than bad. Fingers crossed you do.

I think all this is great advice, so am re-upping it. A little together, a little apart, is how we got through it.
But your DH also needs to step up and take over some of the planning.

I agree with this. We've taken our dds (21 & 15) on holiday every single year since they were born, usually abroad. I don't remember ever having a bad time. Mostly it's been AI which works for us as there's very little stress. My kids are by no means perfect. They both managed to make me cry a couple of years on Christmas Day. But all 4 of us are generally in better moods all round on holidays