On holiday and burning with rage

[RagingInTheSun]

What is WRONG with me? On holiday with DH and two kids (aged five and one) and I am so, so angry.

I put so much time and effort into finding this lovely place, making sure DH and the kids would love it and extra surprises like an upgraded room. Packing, organising, planning - no else had to do anything, I sorted it all. But we're on day 4 and I'm miserable. The older child's behaviour is diabolical and I'm constantly telling them off and/or removing treats as consequences. The younger one has a cold and is whingy and unhappy. DH can't seem to see how bloody lucky we are to be here and is grumpy/finding fault with everything. Also he looks to me for everything instead of using his initiative or asking a member of staff.

I didn't build it up in my head, or have unrealistic expectations or anything - I just thought it would be better; that we'd be happy and have a lovely time.

I'm so sad

This made me laugh, I'm forever reminding my DH that I'm not Google. So infuriating.
I feel your pain OP, every single family holiday we've ever had I've booked.
More than once I've ended up in tears , frustrated at the thoughtlessness of my husband and children.

Yes, this.
Why is everything your job?
Especially with small kids. Get your husband to pull his finger out, while you are raging, instead of being the third child.
My husband is 75 (I'm 45) and he does what he can.

I stopped going away with DH for a few years and just went away with the kids. We had a much better time, expectations were lowered and if we wanted beans on toast in front of the telly there was no-one to moan.

I did this because, like someone else, he used to treat me not just as Google, but Google translate as well. Having said constantly all through Bulgaria that I didn’t speak Bulgarian, we got over the border to Greece, he opened his mouth and I snapped “No, I don’t speak Greek either.”

I had lovely holidays with the kids when they were a bit older than yours in France, Spain, Belgium, Disneyland, New York. Ditch the husband, holidays are much better!

I think you could pivot away from all of this shit and write the headlines for Take a Break magazine. You have a talent.

“Packing, organising, planning - no else had to do anything, I sorted it all.”

This is your problem. You chosen martyrdom over buy in.

Why do women do it?

🥳

Would his mum think he was a good husband or would she be ashamed? If the former, he’s been spoilt by women all his life. So he just continues to be like this. If the latter, he’s saved up his worst behaviour for you. Don’t let him have a free ride. Don’t pack for him. Don’t take young dc abroad. Don’t offer treats. Just expect higher standards from a 5 year old. Stay at home and do day trips. Then they sleep in their own bed and go back to school rested.

We've travelled a lot with kids and generally had a good time. Not saying it was always easy but we tended to have similar routines to @MrsTerryPratchett. Spending some time together, some apart and some alone. Worked well for us. And we tend to have our roles well divided. We also take turns in organising holidays. Not deliberately, just seems to naturally happen that way. And try to relax, it doesn't always have to be perfect!

I hope his dick dances or something bc why else make such a longterm decision!

I think you need to change your expectations. We always enjoyed holidays when ours were small. We used to do cheaper holidays though - camping, YHA or caravan. An occasional canvas holiday thrown in. We just set up our own little routines on holiday. I think because they were cheaper holidays maybe we didn't expect too much.

I can't see a cottage or apartment type holiday being much fun as you would have to entertain them.

I think you need to get them used to things & then they are better company. It's sad that you are getting stressed & telling off the eldest.

Tell your H in no uncertain terms that you have put a lot of time & effort into this, & he can fucking man up or go the fuck home.
You have 2 kids to look after & don't want a third

The only difference for us is that I do all the holiday planing. Because I LOVE it. Spreadsheets, different apps, wall planners and books. Mmmmmmm.

Poor DH had to put up with a fully planned holiday being pitched to him, him accepting it, then this morning I got up and said, "let me look at Fiji". He did mutter something like "door ducks flake" I didn't catch it. Fiji is too expensive so we're back to the previous idea.

But yes, a little of what everyone fancies is best.

When do you get a holiday?

You need a break.

Day off alone doing lovely things and lovely food, leave DH with DC.

Twin purposes accomplished. Don’t give in to DH or it’ll come back worse.

I have 3 children and before I had mine I remember the horror stories from friends of miserable sun holidays in lovely places.
Many children do not react to a different environment and can be very difficult.
We didn't do a sun holiday for years as a result, until they were 6-10.
Friends had no peace with toddlers near pools etc.
Like wise euro camp chalet holidays were difficult with small children as you couldn't take your eyes off them.

If your husband is a lazy, selfish, and useless as you describe, stop doing so much.
You will burn out.
You need to decide to mind yourself and keep things simple when they are so small and labour intensive.
Take care.

Wow - didn't expect so many responses. I've read through them all and really appreciate the solidarity - and I accept the criticisms too.

We had a spectacularly shit evening. The baby screamed for most of dinner so we had to take turns taking her outside so that it didn't ruin the evening for everyone else in the restaurant, and the eldest fell asleep before the food arrived, then refused her dinner in favour of sleeping, and then woke up after we'd carried her back to the room and roared that she's hungry.

The eldest is going to kids club tomorrow, DH is taking the baby for a few hours (he doesn't know this yet, but he is) and I'm going to the beach with a book.

Thanks everyone. And yeah, we're not doing this again for a long time

OP I announced to the world in general whilst on holiday in a similar situation that I was unable to get my hair wet before lunch whilst on holiday. I gave the information in a factual manner. This meant that my other half spent everyday of all holidays either in the sea or the pool with our little one so that I could relax on a lounger with a book looking glamorous under a sun hat/ umbrella until after lunch . I have maintained this ever since to excellent and restorative effect.

It really sucks when a family holiday doesn't live up to expectation. We went on a cruise for the first time recently. Before we'd even got on the boat, DH was pissing and moaning about imaginary things he thought wouldn't live up to his ideals. He was saying he didn't think he was going to enjoy himself and probably wouldn't ever go on a cruise again etc. His shitty attitude really put a damper on the trip before we'd even left. It was infuriating. Funnily enough, once on board, he had a fantastic time.

Mine does this, constantly asks me to be a human satnav while I repeat I don’t know cos like you I’ve never been here before. In Paris last week I did wonder why he always expects me to know / look up everything.

DH is taking the baby for a few hours (he doesn't know this yet, but he is) and I'm going to the beach with a book.

Solidarity sister 👊

No point going on holiday in my view unless there's some serious childcare on offer.

Otherwise it's same shit, different shovel. That's why after a while I refused to self-catering unless there was a meal out EVERY DAY.

And I preferred 4 star hotels with kids clubs. I'd rather do one holiday a year and have a rest than 3 shit holidays slumming it. It's easier to stay home.

Family holidays are loaded with expectations and frequently don't go according to plan.
Children can feel disrupted by travel and a change of place and find themselves in circumstances that would be easier to deal with at home.
Take care OP, you have clearly put alot into planning this holiday and it must be incredibly frustrating to experience your husband's lack of initiative

You sound lovely and thoughtful but as others have said, I think any holiday with small kids might be like this. I’m avoiding taking mine abroad for a while because I feel it will just be same shit different place.
do you have any girl friends you could go away with to surprise with nice perks like the upgraded room, rather than an ungrateful DH?

It does sound like a spectacularly shit evening to be fair.
But you have a plan and please stick to it. Extend it if you can. Can't pour from an empty cup and all that

Yeah holidays with small kids are a bit shit unless you have a much higher ratio of adults (e.g. 2 kids, parents and grandparents who actually help). Get as much time as you can, and chalk it up to experience.