On holiday and burning with rage

[RagingInTheSun]

What is WRONG with me? On holiday with DH and two kids (aged five and one) and I am so, so angry.

I put so much time and effort into finding this lovely place, making sure DH and the kids would love it and extra surprises like an upgraded room. Packing, organising, planning - no else had to do anything, I sorted it all. But we're on day 4 and I'm miserable. The older child's behaviour is diabolical and I'm constantly telling them off and/or removing treats as consequences. The younger one has a cold and is whingy and unhappy. DH can't seem to see how bloody lucky we are to be here and is grumpy/finding fault with everything. Also he looks to me for everything instead of using his initiative or asking a member of staff.

I didn't build it up in my head, or have unrealistic expectations or anything - I just thought it would be better; that we'd be happy and have a lovely time.

I'm so sad

We had plenty of holidays abroad when ours were 5 and under, and everyone had a great time. Why? Because my DH did most of the booking, organising and packing, and we worked as a parenting team. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying stop martyring yourself. Stop doing all the work. You've not got a holiday problem, you've got a DH problem. Share the load. Why doesn't he do more?

Kids that age don’t care about room upgrades, tbh I don’t think they really care about holidays that much at all. I think we’ve probably all been there, it’s not a holiday when you’re still doing young children parenting duties. I’d do a few days in a uk holiday camp if you really want to have a holiday. I wouldn’t do abroad until they’re well in to a reasoning mentality (and even then it can still be fraught).

DH is the issue here. Deciding that you would just quietly do everything years ago was your mistake.

Blimey, I couldn't think of anything worse. The behaviour would still be the same. Couples need to work together particularly on holiday otherwise what's the point in going away together?

This

I sometimes feel a bit like this but at the same time I am a total control freak and no way would I give DH the chance to book anything as I know it would be a disaster.

Forget about who organised or did what for the holiday and just try and enjoy yourself, go for a walk somewhere yourself, have a drink in a bar and go back then hopefully you will feel better x

You're being unreasonable for expecting a holiday with young children to be remotely pleasant. My almost 7 year old is actually pretty good value these days, but the almost 2 year old is dreadful (not her fault, she's 2) so we've resigned ourselves to having pretty basic holidays for the next 4 years. I suggest you do the same and set the bar to "kids are happy and not being total twats" for the foreseeable. You have my sympathies.

I have been known to have a rant on day 4. You have my sympathies.

Your H is the only problem here. The kids genuinely have no idea how to appreciate what's going on - room upgrades, etc - they cam be excited but they have no grasp of your hard work and actually probably feel unsettled.

Your H on the other hand sounds awful. I always used to joke my H was an "underwhelmist". I could organise a 5 star dinner and he'd complain about the napkins. What was a joke when we were in our 20s and childless - is now deeply annoying and upsetting. I wish he would just turn around for once and say "this is frigging great. Thank you for making it happen"

This is completely true

I’m just here to hear about when you find Matteo.

This. I mean what is the point of going on a family holiday where all you want to do is to be by yourself.

"I'm sorry you are so unhappy dh, maybe next time you can plan and organise everything and I'll do the complaining and moaning. Seen as you are determined to be miserable you can spend the day with the kids and I am going to enjoy myself. Alone."

@Funkyslippers if what you do works for you, great. What OP is currently doing (because her DH is a lazy dick) isn't. So I suggested something else.

Honestly, we do things together, separately, in pairs etc. and we have amazing, wonderful holidays. So it wouldn't work for you? Fine no one is forcing you. It might work for OP.

A typical holiday day might be:
DC and I go for a walk and chat on the beach (we're early risers and it's a tradition)
Meet DH for breakfast
Talk about who wants to do what
Maybe do something together (trip to town, snorkel, whatever)
Have lunch together
I nap/Netflix while DC and DH go to the beach (I hate the heat and sitting around)
I spell off and DH goes to the gym while DC and I explore
Everyone has showers
Dinner together
Drinks/TV/books/whatever

Little together, little apart, everyone enjoys what they are doing, no one is forced to do something they hate.

Totally there with you. Last Christmas I spent so so long organising the most magical few days away, and my husband grumped the whole time. I literally have made him organise the whole thing this year.

I also spent so long finding us the perfect summer holiday. And he’s said, ‘it was OK’. Well. He can do the whole thing himself this year for that too.

If you threaten to hand the kids over to him and walk off for a couple of hours, I’m sure he’ll appreciate things more 😅

Adjust your expectations and just try and go with the flor. If they won’t eat the food, they can live off ice cream and chips for a week it won’t kill them, they want their iPad, give them it. Within reason I would just let the kids do what they want for the week. I mean I don’t drink cocktails every day at 2pm but I do on holiday! I’d encourage the older one to do the kids club and try and get the baby to go for a nap in the buggy at the same time then you have at least and hour or two child free time to lie at the pool and read every day. They might make friends at the kids club which is probably the single best thing that can happen for holiday with kids!

we now only go on holiday with friends with kids the same ages, the kids play together and entertain each other and it just makes everything easier having more eyes!

My 2 year old asked to go home every single day and I was (unreasonably) incensed by it. Poor little mite just wanted familiar surroundings.

There is nothing harder than being held responsible by self and others for happiness and pleasure of others.

Holidays with children are just shit. We go but expect absolutely zero from them and they usually deliver exactly that.

Can you talk to your DH? If my DH was being like this (and he can be, at times, so this is something I've done), I'd talk to him, tell him how I'm feeling, suggest ways that might things easier. And if your DH is not a dick, just a bit oblivious, then hopefully he'll work with you to improve things.

When our DC were little (they're teens now, so it's a bit easier), we'd tag team. So if I was feeling fed up, he'd watch the DC for a couple of hours and I'd go off by myself for a bit and lie on a sun lounger and read a book, or go and have a coffee and browse of the shops, or visit a museum, etc. Then later I'd do the same for him. Going on holiday with small DC is hard! It's often not 'a holiday' at all, particularly if one DC is out of sorts and being difficult and the other isn't well. You should be a team though, looking out for each other, giving each other a break, working together so that at least both of you get a bit of time to relax.

I feel your pain OP. DH and I just returned from a holiday, just the two of us. I planned, organised, booked and paid for everything. It was somewhere I had always wanted to go - DH is unfortunately not a keen traveller, never has anywhere he especially wants to visit but was happy to go. I didn't really give it much thought until we were at the airport and I asked DH to go and see if our gate number was on the board yet. He said "Where are we going?" ffs! I wanted to punch him. Two days later driving round a beautiful city trying to find where to park, bit stressful with language barriers etc etc. DH was saying he had no idea where to go, where to park, didn't know anything and just sat there expecting me to do everything. I lost my shit a bit and told him to take some fucking responsibility! Seriously, I'm going on my own next time 🙄 He did step up after this (a bit) and we did have a lovely time overall in the end!

My rule of thumb, for my own sanity, was always to keep a total separation between sanctions and rewards for behaviour and treats. Especially an ice cream on holiday. It just creates more upset and reason for bad behaviour.

I had 3 under 7 and we had the bright idea of going to France for 2 weeks 😂. DH has always been hands on and we were a team but OMG the tantrums, the whining and the fussiness of the children when we got there was unbelievable. We went to Thailand the year after and travelled long haul regularly after that first holiday, there was no way we were doing rainy UK breaks whether they liked it or not. Children soon adapt to travelling, but you can’t have high expectations of them. We were very clear in the months leading up to travelling where were going, what they would see etc. The only place I’d never do again was Disney Florida, that nearly broke me!

Yep- after a very stressful holiday abroad when it was too hot for my very small, very ginger children and both DH and I got food poisoning, I stopped going abroad till ours were about 6 or 7. We had lots of lovely, shorter breaks in little coastal places in UK or with grandparents.
When my boys got older (8 and 10) I started taking them away on my own (DH ran own business and could never get time off). It was so much easier as all 3 of us could share a room and just please ourselves. They are now 20 and 18 and we have had so many adventures together. Really my happiest memories (and still planning new ones).
But when kids are small, holidays are just "hard work, somewhere else" so keep it simple!
(And in the meantime I'm hoping your lovely hotel has a spa to which you can disappear for a day of well-deserved pampering)