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Original poster

Daughters wedding

280 replies

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

OP posts:
Pandasnacks · 21/10/2024 00:05

Yep you are a bit. Can you not afford the hotel? How long away is the wedding?

Mercury2702 · 21/10/2024 00:06

With respect, it’s your daughters day, not what you would like but what they want, you don’t sound all that happy for her

ThomasPatrickKeatingsDegas · 21/10/2024 00:06

In a word, yes. You are sucking the joy out of your daughter’s wedding. It’s not just the couples joining it’s two families too.

What she has planned sounds lovely. And gently op, I’m a Christian but there is no point marrying in a church unless you are a practicing Christian.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Tetchypants · 21/10/2024 00:07

You suck it up for your daughter’s sake and that’s that. I take it you don’t love her fiancé too much?

JoanCollected · 21/10/2024 00:08

I think you need to reframe your thinking. You shouldn’t have built expectations around someone else’s special day. Try to just see it as something you are lucky to be a part of and be happy for her.

WhateverMate · 21/10/2024 00:09

It's a good job it's not your wedding then 🤷‍♂️

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/10/2024 00:09

' Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church.'

oh dear, don't become confused regarding who is getting married

it is not your wedding !

it is your daughter's and her fiance's wedding.

Once you realise and remember that, you can indeed choose how much of it you wish to attend.

Is there anything stopping you from driving there on the morning of the wedding ?
and apart from not being able to drink alcohol, is there anything stopping you from driving home after the wedding.

No.

then you can choose what you do.

kittybiscuits · 21/10/2024 00:10

When you get married again, you can make it all about you, but not this time. Your opinion on all of this stuff is irrelevant.

HeddaGarbled · 21/10/2024 00:10

Times have changed. I think you have to put up and shut up here. In the olden days of which you speak, the bride’s parents would have been paying for the whole thing so you’re getting off lightly just paying for two nights’ accommodation and food for yourselves.

StormingNorman · 21/10/2024 00:10

Why are they getting married so far away? Is it close to the groom’s family?

GCAcademic · 21/10/2024 00:10

Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church.

So, presumably you had your wedding in a church?

This one isn’t your wedding.

Lincoln24 · 21/10/2024 00:14

Times have changed! I've been to two weddings this year that included breakfast the day after.
Couples rarely go on honeymoon directly after the wedding in my experience it's usually at least a few days later, sometimes much later.
Manor House weddings are the most conventional choice I can think of.
With respect, you're a bit out of touch.

Moreover you don't show much interest in building a relationship with your daughter's in laws. Did your own sets of parents not have a relationship? I would think in most families they're not best friends but they'd know each other well enough to catch up over a meal surely?

CrispyCrumpets · 21/10/2024 00:19

You are being a bit of a misery I'm afraid. I don't think you need to stay the night before, but it's not unusual to stay over so you can have a drink and stay up late to enjoy the party. The breakfast thing the next day will be fine. The dining room will probably be laid out as any other dining room with tables to seat 4 people so family groups can sit together.

It's her big day, just suck it up, do your bit, be happy for them, and it will be over very quickly.

Don't let your disappointment over the lack of a church wedding sour the wedding planning, it really is completely irrelevant, and unless you are paying for it all, you shouldn't expect to have any say in the venue. Also it's generally considered not ok to force your own religious views on other people these days, so try to just drop that one.

Raera · 21/10/2024 00:21

Tradition seems important to you.
Traditionally the bride's parents pay for the wedding.
So are you footing the bill and not being considered?

DancingNotDrowning · 21/10/2024 00:26

Your poor daughter. This is her day. Stop making it about you, you’ll only make both of miserable.

I got married 20+ years ago and we had breakfast with friends and family in the hotel the next day. Was fabulous to catch up with everyone and honestly there was no way I was leaving the best party I’d ever attended early.

ellenpartridge · 21/10/2024 00:26

You sound hard work. What your daughter is suggesting sounds very typical and I agree you are possibly a bit out of touch here. I would try to keep your opinions to yourself and not let them see your negativity as it seems quite unwarranted tbh.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 21/10/2024 00:30

Our daughter got married this year.

It was at a country hotel. Lots of guests stayed at the hotel the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding.

On the day of the wedding we had breakfast in our rooms - the next day we all had breakfast together.

They went on honeymoon the following day.

We have a small family - there were 12 of us altogether from our side. And 150 from the groom's side. Lots more were invited to the evening's events.

We paid for the whole wedding and had no input whatsoever - we also paid for all clothing for bride, groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen (which included footwear, cuff links, jewellery, hair and makeup). We also paid for 20 rooms for two nights bed and breakfast. Most guests had to pay for their own stays. Some lived close and got taxis to and from the hotel. Some family came from abroad and stayed for a week.

It was a spectacular couple of days. Very tiring after a couple of very late nights. Best wedding I've ever been to. Met lots of fabulous people. The groom's family and friends were all great. But I was still the last one on the dance floor Grin

Go with the flow OP!

Original poster
ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:31

Just yo clear a few points. My daughter also wants the service in a church. No we are not footing the bill but will be giving them dome funds I have said to both my x and sil that it is their day and they gave what makes them happy. The point about staying over at donewhere which is more than 1hr 20 away from home was that other afternoon guests may not afford it and night guests may think it's too far away. My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc. I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation and having a meal out in a pub etc night before with other day guests to enjoy the spirit of the occasion however giving people the chance to go home now sleep in a hotel near if they want.

OP posts:
saraclara · 21/10/2024 00:34

Weddings are different now. They used to be in churches (as mine was on the late 1979s) but now they're often in venues like hotels (as my DD's was).

Actually it was lovely to have a room to go back to. It was a long day, and as I find social stuff quite tiring, I could leave the evening do a couple of times, and go to my room for ten minutes to decompress.

Then just falling into bed at the end of it, and not having to drive home, was just perfect. And catching up with everyone at breakfast was also really nice. A section of the dining room was put aside for us, and the guests and family could mingle again in a more chilled atmosphere.

Put your expectations aside and embrace the new way of doing things. It has its advantages.

Mamaneedsgin · 21/10/2024 00:34

This is completely normal nowadays and I think you just need to suck it up for your daughter’s sake.

Kindly, your views are very old-fashioned and you may not agree but it’s their wedding day not yours, and a non-religious ceremony in a manor house will be absolutely lovely. I got married in a converted cowshed with very little practical help or input from my parents but they were blown away by how beautiful and emotional it was.

The dinner the night before and breakfast the morning after is all part of the exciting build up and a chance to debrief the next day.

crumblingschools · 21/10/2024 00:35

Are people paying for the accommodation in effect paying for the wedding venue?

myname22 · 21/10/2024 00:38

This is not your wedding so I don't know why you'd think you have a say? Also to not want to pay £100-£200 for an overnight for your daughters wedding is beyond miserable.

Delphiniumandlupins · 21/10/2024 00:39

I think now you have expressed other options to your DD you should not mention them again. If costs are too high guests will decline their invitation and that is up to them. In some ways it is lovely that a wedding day can be more of a celebration over a couple of days - it gives everyone more time to catch up.

MessyNeate · 21/10/2024 00:46

Completely normal these days

We got married in one venue four weeks ago, we actually filled the accommodation and sat with our guests for breakfast the next day.

We did put a bus on for the evening guests though!

Those who want to be there will pay the money to stay :)

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2024 00:55

I suggest you make a list of critical guests. It will probably include parents, grandparents, and siblings of the couple, and whatever other people you know the couple would be devastated if they could not attend. When evaluating wedding preparations, ask yourself if the plan is making attendance prohibitively difficult for that core guest list. If you see something like an historic venue with steep stairs inaccessible to a beloved grandmother or realize a sibling won’t be able to find trusted childcare for a child free wedding, then say something. Otherwise, smile and nod and just go along with their plans.

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