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Original poster

Daughters wedding

280 replies

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 21/10/2024 00:58

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:31

Just yo clear a few points. My daughter also wants the service in a church. No we are not footing the bill but will be giving them dome funds I have said to both my x and sil that it is their day and they gave what makes them happy. The point about staying over at donewhere which is more than 1hr 20 away from home was that other afternoon guests may not afford it and night guests may think it's too far away. My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc. I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation and having a meal out in a pub etc night before with other day guests to enjoy the spirit of the occasion however giving people the chance to go home now sleep in a hotel near if they want.

The whole point is for everyone to stay together to carry on the celebration

If people don't want to go then they can refuse.

But maybe their friends will like it and will want to go.

You either go or you don't but unless you're opinion is asked for you need to keep quiet I'm afraid

Runninglateagaintoday · 21/10/2024 01:01

If your daughter wants it in a church why isn’t she looking at churches? Do you think it’s because her fiancé doesn’t want a church wedding?

Runninglateagaintoday · 21/10/2024 01:04

I’d hate to be making breakfast after a wedding tbh, would much prefer to leave it to the hotel.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Original poster
ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 01:06

Possibly

OP posts:
HappyTwo · 21/10/2024 01:11

This is the format for every wedding I have been to in the last 10 years except 1. Go and you will bond with in-laws sharing special moments

RosesAndHellebores · 21/10/2024 01:17

I'm struggling @ElatedSnail and I've been the MoG and likely soon to be the MoB.

Wherever a wedding is held, half the guests will have a long journey and 1hr 20 mins is close enough to drive home. That was the case 30-40 years ago when we and all our friends got married and seems to be so for the DC. Many of dil's family flew from SA.

What your dd is suggesting isn't that unusual. Guests have always decided to stay over or not, to stay at the wedding venue or somewhere cheaper.

Chill a bit I think.

Ponderingwindow · 21/10/2024 01:18

Runninglateagaintoday · 21/10/2024 01:04

I’d hate to be making breakfast after a wedding tbh, would much prefer to leave it to the hotel.

Unless it’s a very small crowd, making the next day breakfast isn’t a diy affair. I would agree to help pick up a food order or to greet caterers, but I would not get up before sunrise to start cooking for a massive crowd. I would want to be able to enjoy the wedding and cooking a giant meal is too much of an ask in terms of labor. Especially when you will want to look presentable during the actual breakfast.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 21/10/2024 01:20

Ultimately, it’s not up to you to dictate how your daughter gets married. They want the day however they want it. Go, or don’t go.

Runninglateagaintoday · 21/10/2024 01:20

I agree it’s a bit far to travel and expensive especially for those just invited to the evening. Times have changed and staying over at a hotel following a wedding is very usual now, but just for an evening invitation it might be a bit much.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/10/2024 01:22

IchiNiSanShiGo · 21/10/2024 01:20

Ultimately, it’s not up to you to dictate how your daughter gets married. They want the day however they want it. Go, or don’t go.

That's absolutely fine if the B&G are footing the bill. Not quite such a fine sentiment if the parents are paying.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 21/10/2024 01:28

RosesAndHellebores · 21/10/2024 01:22

That's absolutely fine if the B&G are footing the bill. Not quite such a fine sentiment if the parents are paying.

Show quote history

OP says in her second post that she’s not footing the bill.

Also, I still don’t think that footing the billl automatically entitles you to dictate the wedding day.

Codlingmoths · 21/10/2024 01:28

It’s a pretty normal wedding they are planning, please stop putting a downer on her wedding plans! Her:beautiful hotel lovely dinner, you: what a lot of fuss can’t we just go to a pub? I’m sure you didn’t put it like that, but I suspect that’s how it felt to her.
also, re the dinner and breakfast, these are your daughter and her fiancés closest friends and family. You should want to get to know who they are, you hope after all that they will be in your daughters lives for many years. In a decade when they say we are meeting x & y for a week at the beach, they have two little boys now the same age as our girls, you want to be able to know who x & y are, and have a view into your daughters life. Try and work out who everyone is at the dinner, and whether they will be around in 10 years 😁

rrrrrreatt · 21/10/2024 01:31

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:31

Just yo clear a few points. My daughter also wants the service in a church. No we are not footing the bill but will be giving them dome funds I have said to both my x and sil that it is their day and they gave what makes them happy. The point about staying over at donewhere which is more than 1hr 20 away from home was that other afternoon guests may not afford it and night guests may think it's too far away. My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc. I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation and having a meal out in a pub etc night before with other day guests to enjoy the spirit of the occasion however giving people the chance to go home now sleep in a hotel near if they want.

Every wedding comes with sacrifices and trade offs. They must feel the benefit of having that venue outweighs the risk some guests wont want to travel.

That’s their choice which is fine because it’s their big day. I’m getting married next year and found all the well meaning suggestions really stressful to begin with, esp when we’d carefully considered all the options and had our reasons for the decisions we’ve made.

RosesAndHellebores · 21/10/2024 01:34

IchiNiSanShiGo · 21/10/2024 01:28

OP says in her second post that she’s not footing the bill.

Also, I still don’t think that footing the billl automatically entitles you to dictate the wedding day.

Show quote history

I don't think parents should dictate but for £30k a little collaboration from the children is welcome. But then my dc aren't brats.

Growlybear83 · 21/10/2024 01:38

I think you're being awful. It's your daughter's wedding, not yours, and you really shouldn't have much of a say in what she is planning. If you're worried about the cost, then it's fine to mention that, but from what you've said, it sounds as though you're intent on trying to impose what you want on your daughter and spoiling her day.

LBFseBrom · 21/10/2024 01:44

Pandasnacks · 21/10/2024 00:05

Yep you are a bit. Can you not afford the hotel? How long away is the wedding?

I agree.

Op, I am sure you can stretch to this once. If your daughter marries again you would be within your rights to suggest something a bit more low key. Are you paying for the wedding, or for some of it?

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 21/10/2024 01:49

You are not being a miserable cow but you come across as controlling. It's not your wedding, it's theirs and they can and should do it their way.

I have 2 DC getting married next year and neither of them are doing things the way their Dad and I did and IMO that's how it should be. They are each creating the day that will be special to them and their partners. Our job is to scrub up, show up and smile.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 21/10/2024 02:02

RosesAndHellebores · 21/10/2024 01:34

I don't think parents should dictate but for £30k a little collaboration from the children is welcome. But then my dc aren't brats.

Show quote history

Where are you getting the £30k figure from? OP isn’t paying for the wedding?

Are you paying £30k for your DC wedding?

im married. As a couple, we paid £10k, my parents paid £10k, and my in-laws paid £10k. None of it was expected, or asked for. We were planning the wedding we wanted and were grateful for any help we got.

Stephenra · 21/10/2024 02:50

Friends of mine thought of getting married in a church. However a talk with the priest / church functionary in question shifted their opinions. The priest (or whoever) took an extremely dim view that my friend and his betrothed were not seen regularly at church services on Sunday, had not been 'baptised' and it was not the done thing at all for a divorced woman (friend's partner) to be joined in holy matrimony in God's house. God in his infinite wisdom and compassion might not approve.

So my chum told the priest where he could stick his church.

So DD may have very good reasons for not wanting to tie the knot in church. Just saying.

EmmaEmEmz · 21/10/2024 02:57

My dB and dsil got married in a hotel a few hours from where the rest of us live). We had to all pay for two nights St hotel and we did the whole breakfast thing the next day - our family (parents, siblings, neices and nephews, her family, and their closest friends (who are family friends). We then all went off for a day at the seaside together. It was absolutely lovely - and they said it was exactly how they wanted to start married life, having a lovely couple of days with family and friends before going on honeymoon a week later.

You are being very unreasonable. It's their wedding. Not yours

Carrotsandgrapes · 21/10/2024 02:58

I think your view of weddings is a very out of date OP. This is pretty much the format of every wedding I've been to in last 20 years.

I think it's lovely she wants to extend the celebrations to the night before and the morning after in order to make it a real event as two families come together. How often do you get your close family and friends altogether in one place? It's worth making the most of it.

This is your daughter's day. It's for her and her DP to choose how they want it. Frankly, I think you've already said too much to her, and from now on you must keep your opinions on how, when and where they should celebrate their wedding to yourself. Don't put any more of a dampner on things for her and instead try to share her excitement when she tells you about her plans.

Unless you're asked for advice, your only job is to support your DD and be happy for her.

BulletinBoard · 21/10/2024 03:19

I’m going against majority and say I think it sounds expensive. With cost of living so high, travel, an overnight stay and breakfast and who knows what else, may limit the number of guests attending. Will it be a child-friendly wedding? Some parents don’t have help and may not be able to pay for sitters overnight.

I agree though your daughter and her husband-to-be should choose.

ChanelBoucle · 21/10/2024 03:25

HeddaGarbled · 21/10/2024 00:10

Times have changed. I think you have to put up and shut up here. In the olden days of which you speak, the bride’s parents would have been paying for the whole thing so you’re getting off lightly just paying for two nights’ accommodation and food for yourselves.

Quite!

ChanelBoucle · 21/10/2024 03:37

Having seen your reply op, I can kind of see what you mean about it being a long way from home and I can see why you feel concerned about inconveniencing the guests. I take it the church will be near the venue and not near home?

I think the only thing you can do is gently put your point across to your dd, and let her decide what to do given that her choice may alienate some of her guests. That’s all you can do really. As a pp said, a lot of thought usually goes into deciding a venue and the pros and cons will I’m sure have been weighed up in the process 🤷‍♀️.

Also, did you mention 30 guests? That’s really not very many, I think a wedding of just 30 guests would indicate that those chosen are pretty close to the b&g, therefore will be prepared to make the effort to travel. The evening guests may not, but that is clearly a risk that your dd will have to be prepared to take; as I said, all you can do is gently suggest this to her.

DrinkElephants · 21/10/2024 03:48

Yep you’re being a miserable cow. It’s your daughter and her partner’s special day, not yours!!!

It’s irrelevant that you and your husband are “traditional” and want her to get married in a church cuz it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you.

If you don’t like it, you could always not go.