Daughters wedding

[ElatedSnail]

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

Yes but it's unclear. Abs everyone saying "don't ask any more just be happy"

Anyone who has been on say a hen do knows how costs can increase as guests drop out and costs per person increase.

Basically it's more stress than if you just book a room in hotel. You may well be asked to do breakfast or pay more and it's very awkward to demand to know in advance that it 100% won't happen (ie being told to chill and just go with the flow)

My husbands mum was like this about his wedding who then said “oh I just won’t come then” she stuck to it and she didn’t, so rather having someone with a face like a slapped arse moaning all day it meant our wedding day was even better.

Well, OP did say this:
“My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc.”

Having to make breakfast the following morning sounds like a terrible idea to me though😅

Definitely go the asking questions route where you can. I think when you do a statement "that won't work" people just resist but if you ask questions you might get a reasonable conversation.

Honestly it’s not uncommon for people to pick a venue an hour away with a hotel stay so it weeds out the people who don’t give a fuck about you and are obligation invites anyway! I sort of think fair enough really. If a bunch of relatives who usually don’t make much of an effort with you don’t want to travel for your wedding it’s no loss to the couple.

You say it's an hour and a half from home, from who's home? Hers? His? Yours? His extended family? Are you all from and living in the same place?

Respectfully, it's not your place to decide what you would prefer, and what you think would be better for guests. If guests can't afford to attend, then they won't. I'm sure your daughter is aware of that. It's your daughters day, she shouldn't have to organise it around everyone else.

Things have moved on from when you were married. I have had three children marry and this sounds the norm. You don't have to be best friends with your children's in-laws but it is a lovely way to share their special day. Stop making it all about you. Do what makes your daughter happy. I understand it might be difficult for you and your sister in law to step out of your comfort zone but I think you will regret it if you aren't part of things.

Even if it made me uncomfortable, I could suck it up for that time for my DD and her wedding. As far as affordability, give what you want/can. My children pay for their own weddings. If they are asking for people to stay overnight and not covering the cost, they'll have to be accepting if some people decline because of this.

YABU, it's your daughters wedding, not yours. Suck it up and just do what makes her happy on this occasion. It may be that you 'couldn't think of anything worse' which I think is a bit over dramatic, but it's obviously what your daughter wants.

I'm planning my own wedding at the minute and the weight of other peoples expectations and opinions has been the most frustrating and down right upsetting thing to deal with.

Please just put your feelings aside on this occasion!

As others said you’ve got to suck it up. But please change your mindset as it won’t be enjoyable for any of you if you’re just grinning and bearing it.

So you’ve got to pay for two nights in a hotel - at least she’s not getting married in Hawaii or expecting you to foot the bill of the whole country manor. Hopefully that means you’ll get to spend some time with the wedding guests the day before to save some of the awkward ice breaking on the day.

Only offer your opinion when asked because you may see it as helping but she’ll see it as moaning.

Both my mum and MIL spent the whole wedding planning stages moaning/expecting a 1970s wedding. Mum was convinced that we had to have soup as a starter because that’s what everyone would be expecting etc etc. Tbh our relationships have never recovered.

@ElatedSnail any thoughts on the replies to your thread?

I'm sure OP wants her dd to have a nice wedding - maybe she's just concerned that B&G aren't really thinking about logistics or what is most likely to happen, as they are in their wedding bubble.
I'd imagine quite a few couples don't realise that if all the rooms aren't sold to guests, they will get the bill for the unfilled ones, if they've booked out the whole venue.
B&G are picturing a happy gathering where 30 of their nearest and dearest all get along and can exist in close proximity, even cooking breakfast together. But realistically weddings are fraught with tension - they are stressful to plan and the stress can come out at inconvenient times. My own mil had a tantrum at mine because she took on more than she was really comfortable with. I would do a lot differently with the benefit of hindsight. OP can maybe see some of the potential sticking points in advance.

Who's going to fancy get lumbered with cooking a massive breakfast the next day? I wouldn't want to be doing the catering at all on my daughter's wedding especially if I'm hungover.

I think it's good to build into the planning some time and space for people to do their own thing a bit.
There is no guarantee that these two families will love each other and get along.

It's their wedding, you don't have to understand why or what they do, it's up to them. Just smile and make it about them. If you don't want to stay over then don't, just because you went on honeymoon and wouldn't want to stay and have breakfast doesn't mean that everyone feels the same.

With respect OP this is not your wedding and it’s fundamentally not up to you to impart your views on how you feel it should go. It’s entirely
up to the couple to decide - it’s their wedding. If they haven’t asked for your suggestions then a better approach might be to show an interest, be there as they need to chat through options and be supportive. You had your time when you planned your wedding and now it’s time to step back.

Why are you informing your SIL of the wedding plans and why is she making suggestions ?

is your daughter marrying her son ? as i thought you didn't know the groom's family very well.

I wondered this as well. Totally inappropriate and interfering behaviour.

Not your wedding, not your choice.

I've been to many venue weddings and they're gorgeous.

i dont feel that comfortable

That’s the crux of it.

Sorry OP I agree with the majority here. What your daughter and her fiancé are planning is very in line with a modern wedding. It's only 1.5h away can you imagine if she had decided on a destination wedding abroad you'd be with everyone for a week or more! Suck it up, let your daughter plan her day the way she likes, and just enjoy it. Otherwise you risk being excluded from plans altogether and causing tension between yourself and your daughter and her fiancé. Also as others have said, it's not a "traditional" wedding if her parents aren't footing the bill so ultimately it's not really up to you. Unfortunately you can't pick and choose which traditions you want her to adhere to.

for most weddings the golden rule is: the couple arrange the wedding they want. Guests, including parents and siblings etc, are free to decline with all the baggage that brings.

There are some wedding where the fall out of not going would be huge. Where b&g want what they want (fair enough) but wouldn't be at all tolerant of other people opting out.
If you're the parent of the b or g then there's really no getting out of it, however much their choices make you feel uncomfortable.

An hour and a half is nothing these days. The last family weddings we went to involved a 5 hour drive (my side) and a 4 hour drive, 2 hours on a ferry and then another 2 hour drive (dh's).

Can you unpick the reasons why you're uncomfortable? Is it honestly the wedding or actually more complicated?

I married someone from a very different background to mine and your posts remind me of how various family members reacted. The actual wedding wasn't the real issue, it was the fact that I was marrying an "upper class thug" as one of my aunt's so charmingly put it (probably an excellent description of his ancestors who rampaged around the world doing terrible things for the crown, less so of dh).

It's not your day OP, it's your daughter and fiancé's day.
What they are proposing is completely normal and expecting them to replicate your wedding day is ridiculous.
You are sucking all the joy out of it, and if it was my DD she'd be mightily pissed off with me.
Smile, be supportive and look forward to a lovely wedding and a chance to socialize. If you can't, then fake it...
Remember it's THEIR wedding!

Just suck it up. It's what they want. I think it's rather lovely they want to spend so much time with you. It'll go quickly and be over before you know it.