Daughters wedding

[ElatedSnail]

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

I don’t think anyone would have to stay if they don’t want to or can’t afford it; an hour and a half isn’t a long drive.

Are you more worried that what your daughter wants is being pushed aside based on what the groom wants?

Not the case for ours… 12 room hotel we had to pay £1200 for exclusive use so that they wouldn’t sell the rooms to non guests. We could then offer the rooms to guests who wished to stay but we had to pay for these on top of the fee, I think they gave us breakfast for free.

We were married in a beautiful manor house and guests stayed over. This was over 20 years ago and wasn't considered unusual even back then.

My MIL would have preferred us to have a church ceremony followed by a reception in a room above a shitty pub somewhere. Yeah, that was never going to happen. My wedding dress cost more than MIL thought we should be spending on the whole day!

If you're happier with cheap and mundane, then fine. But don't try and impose your small minded, dour expectations on other people.

We could then offer the rooms to guests who wished to stay but we had to pay for these on top of the fee,

@jolies1 Did you pay for everyone’s room then? Blimey, that’s generous! It’s never happened to me, we’ve always had to pay for our room!

Yes you are being a miserable cow.
This is your daughter’s wedding! Be happy for her; indulge her; support her!

I think you could easily organise a car to and from the venue and sleep at home for the same cost! You could pop in the night before for pizza and drive home, and scrap the wedding breakfast element.

You are coming across as a whinger that wants your dds day to be about your needs and wishes. It’s really not on, and I think you should stop with the advice.

I got married last year and that’s exactly how we did it. Venue was 1hr away from home and we did ceremony and celebration after in one place. We also had breakfast the next day with guests who had stayed overnight.

My parents paid for my wedding, but ultimately me and my DH had final say in what we wanted. Although I’m very easy going so any suggestion my mum made was met with little resistance!

My thought was always if people wanted to be there to celebrate with us, they would make the trip, some relatives came from abroad so a venue a little over an hour away isn’t that big of a deal IMO.

YABU.
Its not your wedding.

Come on OP ! You have had a bit of a rough ride on here from me included but please give yourself a nudge and get into the spirit of things! Let them do it their way, be happy for them,embrace the new and get yourself looking fabulous. I am sure you will have a wonderful time if you do! Enjoy your lovely daughters day x

Oh God, you would have had kittens at our wedding! We decided we didn't want a big "white wedding" and decided on Las Vegas - DH originally wanted it just us two but I couldn't imagine not having at least our parents there so we told everyone our plans with the completely expected reply of "thank you for the invite but we can't make it because of XYZ" anyway of course my own amazing parents said they wouldn't miss it for the world and they paid (a lot of money) to travel - with my two younger siblings to Vegas and also made it a mini holiday - as did most of our guest (34 in the end!) and so did DH's family - including his mother who is terrified of flying and we really thought she wouldn't make it but she took some tablets and made the long journey for her sons wedding. So to be honest, yes I think you are massively over reacting to what seems to be a completely normal wedding weekend - and yes I find weddings are a weekend event these days (oh and I love a wedding and would love all of this) I just didn't want it for myself but adore being a guest ☺️

Your traditional views are pretty much irrelevant, its not your wedding. You had tour wedding as as you've said were off on your honeymoon as quickly as you wanted. Imagine if you mother put a downer on that and didn't want you to do it.

Having said that if you can't afford dit then you can't afford it and don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But remember she'll remember your lack of involvement and excitement.

I was thinking, could you offer to pay for a coach to get people home after the reception?

That way you don’t need to worry about people (probably your family/family friends) not being able to attend. I’m sure guests could arrange to car share there and then in the morning carshare to pick up their cars?

As for making breakfast in the morning, you could organise an Asda delivery the day before the wedding to arrive at the venue then have a continental breakfast so you don’t need to stress about cooking - order bagels, bread, cheeses, ham, yogurts and fruit then everyone can just help themselves the morning afterwards.

As somebody who planned a wedding two years ago, my MIL & Mum were desperate to be involved/‘help’. They just kept disagreeing with every decision we made and the only ‘help’ they really wanted to offer was their 1970s opinions. What help are you really offering? Are you collecting petals for the confetti? Going around the supermarkets to price check bottles of bubbly? Trawling Facebook market place for size 4 flower girl shoes? Offering to write envelopes for RSPVs?

Helping by offering unasked for opinions isn’t helpful. It’s quite the opposite, and it’s a thin line before you’ll be shut out of hearing any information before the wedding day.

I don’t understand why you are fixated on how far away the wedding is. An hour and a half isn’t that far away for most people, unless there are going to be a lot of elderly people being expected to travel. My mate had her wedding at the other end of the country - almost everyone she invited went including those who struggled because they wanted to celebrate with her.

This wedding is not about you. It's their wedding and you will have to suck it up that they want to do their own thing. My son was married at a country house style venue and usually all of the rooms have to be booked & paid for regardless of them being used. This would also mean the venue would be exclusive to the wedding party. The price is about right for that kind of arrangement. Think of it as a way to get to know the in-laws and foster good relations for your daughter's new relatives. You may see a lot of them often throughout the forthcoming years at family events

You are being a miserable cow. You’re expecting your daughter to do what suits you on HER wedding day.

Stop making suggestions and be supportive and respectful. Otherwise you risk causing a row that might not only get you uninvited at worst but also put a forever strain on your relationship.

If you can’t stop being a miserable cow then just tell her straight that you’re too tight to spend money on a hotel room and food and you being a tight whinge bag means more to you than her.

I think that's a little harsh. A good host considers their guests.

In the nicest possible way, why do you think any of this is your choice? You aren't footing the bill for the wedding. It is their wedding not yours. Is having everything done the way you would prefer worth risking the future relationship you have with your daughter?

Not in this case.

All this BS about being traditional is simply a form of pressure on people to obey. All that needs to go.

My son got married about 6 hours away. We stayed in a hotel about a 5 minute from the venue. It was fine, we actually get on well the DS' in-laws. Make an effort and remember it's your daughter's day not yours

I remembered the other day, that several years ago I was invited to a colleague's wedding in Devon, I was living in London at the time.

so a good 4/5 hour drive to the venue.

We chose a hotel in Torquay and drove another 45 mins or more to the venue.

The bride to be upon hearing where we were booked to stay asked if we could pick up a couple of elderly relatives from Paignton - about 5 miles away from my hotel.
of course we did !
and offered to drive the relatives back to their hotel at the end of the evening if they wished They didn't accept and had already arranged a taxi in advance.

The relatives were i guess relatives of the groom to be, as I guess all / most of the bride's relatives probably lived in Devon - the bride to be was from Devon and I now recall as they were non drivers / didn't have a car, they had booked a holiday !!! so 5 days or so through one of the coach holiday companies.

So I would think and hope that if I could travel a couple of hundred miles for a colleague's wedding, that this mother of the bride can manage an hour and a half !!!

Yeah it’s not your day. You had your turn. Now it’s her turn. Shame that you think you won’t enjoy but isn’t it just one of many many things we grit our teeth and do for our kids?
I actually find it really sad that your daughter clearly really REALLY values spending time with you and other family to want to incorporate it into her wedding and rather than being overjoyed about this you’re focussing on all the negatives. If my adult child wanted to have me around for breakfast or dinner or whatever before or after their wedding I’d cross deserts to be there.
(BTW my mother was like this with my wedding, and we ended up with a horrible compromise of what we wanted to keep her happy and I regret it to this day, well over a decade later, and have never really forgiven her for being so childish and self centred about it).

Also you say that you’re not really friends with the other family, and wouldn’t feel comfortable around them for this amount of time.

Maybe that’s WHY she wants to do this? Do you DO become closer and also so that she doesn’t have to worry about said discomfort on the day itself? And to forge more of a relationship going forward? She presumably realises it’s not going to happen otherwise (and tbh I can see why if you’re not even happy to do this to get to know them).

That was certainly the thinking behind my desire to have my parents and my in laws (who live abroad) and us have dinner the night before. Sadly my mother reacted the same way you have.

a lot of our guests had a similar trip to come to ours. we didn't expect them to necessarily be able to make it, but wanted to invite them all the same (moved from Surrey to Cornwall, so they were family members still living there, and people I knew growing up.) I'm surprised how many people were willing to make that trip to come, but it was lovely to see them again. and yes, most of them decided to make a long weekend away out of it. hence why we made sure to include details of some local places to stay in the invite (and that anyone up for camping was welcome to camp in my mums orchard. two of my sisters and their families did, my friends from Wales did, my uncle and his wife did. it was like a mini festival, it was great. we did hire a portaloo. one of the fun pics from the wedding was me in the portaloo in my dress, which my sister thought was hilarious to take (nothing can be seen, obviously, with the big skirt. but she seemed to think it was funny to help me sort my dress out getting in there, then take a photo)

It’s not your wedding. It is literally nothing to do with you or what you want. It is entirely up to them. And either you go or you don’t. You will regret not going to your daughter’s wedding and you will also in my opinion regret causing upset surrounding her wedding. It is up to her and them what they do, and if it means people don’t go 🤷🏽‍♀️ it is still entirely up to them. I held my wedding on a Thursday in the middle of nowhere, and I have no regrets about that even though it did mean people didn’t come. I had the wedding I wanted. And your daughter deserves to have the wedding she wants.

and if your daughter wants a wedding in a church why is she looking at country Manor House’s for the wedding?! I suspect she doesn’t want it in a church, otherwise she would be getting married in a church. Becuase her wedding is being arranged by her, with her wishes in mind.

Oh deary me… usual MN comments and harshness. It isn’t your day, I’m sure your DD and her OH will have ideas on what they want. BUT personally I agree with you, I think the whole all together in a big house is awful and my idea of a nightmare! There is such a venue near us, tens of thousands for a 3 day hire and when we enquired (before we knew the price) the venue actually suggested a £300 charge per guest per night to cover the cost of the wedding. That didn’t sit well with me. Have you spoken to your daughter about this? I explained to my mum what DH and I wanted and were planning so she felt included.