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Original poster

Daughters wedding

280 replies

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

OP posts:
Notwhatuwanttohear · 21/10/2024 03:55

Do you always try to steal your daughters limelight or control her.

It's a couple of hundred pounds and breakfast for gods sake hardly the end of the world for your daughters wedding.

RawBloomers · 21/10/2024 03:58

You’ve made your suggestions (and I think your reasoning is sound) but your DD would still like to do the manor house. You need to just let her. It’s her decision, not yours. The fall out in terms of people deciding not to go, or being annoyed about it (if that’s what they do) will be on her, not you. I think you are taking this too personally, in a sense - obviously your DD getting married is personal to you, but the wedding itself really isn’t your concern in the way you seem to be thinking about it. You’re a guest, not the host.

Just be happy for her and support her as best as you can in doing what she wants to do with her life.

BruFord · 21/10/2024 04:03

I agree with @RawBloomers, you've made your points to your DD about the expense for the guests but ultimately, it's her day and she's planning it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 21/10/2024 04:10

You're forgetting it will be your dd's wedding day.. it isn't about what you want/think or how Aunt Mildred did it in 1982. It's entirely up to the couple and you need to either get on board with their plans and support making them happen or don't be expected to be kept at arms length (which you'll then be on here moaning about nearer the actual big day).

KateBrownell · 21/10/2024 04:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

AGoingConcern · 21/10/2024 04:18

Yes, you’re being a miserable cow.

Your initial post is all about you you you, so I’m not really buying the pivot to “I’m not thinking of myself and what I want, I’m being considerate of everyone else” once you started getting replies that weren’t on your side.

36 hours of socializing and two nights in a hotel is not a big ask for your own daughter’s wedding, but if you can’t manage it then tell her you can only afford one night - they can either offer to help out or you can miss the rehearsal dinner. For most guests it will be one night in a hotel or staying sober to drive home after, and people can decline if that’s not in their budget. What your DD is thinking of is a very standard wedding today. They want their close family and friends to spend a little time together with them before and after if they’re able and willing, and it’s rather sad that that seems like too much effort for the bride’s mother of all people.

Your preferences for a church wedding are utterly irrelevant.

ABirdsEyeView · 21/10/2024 04:27

Personally I would hate this kind of wedding - 2 days of enforced socialising with people who are effectively strangers, is very difficult for those of us who are not naturally outgoing. The cooking breakfast together thing might not work - guests will be hungover, not inclined to get up and cook for the hordes! I know I wouldn't be volunteering for that bit!

It's all very well saying it's the B&G big day, their choice etc, but unless they are covering the cost of everyone's stay, then it's not solely their choice. B&Gs have grand ideas for their weddings but are partially spending their guests money too, so should consider whether a 2 day event is going to be welcomed by them. It is expensive to attend other people's weddings - gifts, outfits, accommodation, travel, meals out, maybe child care costs or time off work.

I think if I was shelling out I'd want to be a proper guest, definitely not cooking breakfast the day after.

ABirdsEyeView · 21/10/2024 04:30

I do think the brides parents have to attend both days though - you can gently warn the bride that it might be a bit difficult for guests but once you've said it, you have to let them crack on or they will blame you for putting a downer on it. I can see why OP has some reservations though

RickiRaccoon · 21/10/2024 04:35

It's pretty normal nowadays to have a little event away to make the most of people coming from different locations and the fact you don't get to talk to them all during the reception. We did exactly this (though we have family split all over the country so any location was far for someone).

Complaining relatives are an annoying part of wedding planning so don't add to that. Just accept the venue, food etc is their choice and it's your choice to attend or not. Unless they have some sort of per person package, you could just stay one night and leave before the breakfast. It would be a little unusual for the bride's parents but, if you've got social anxiety, I'm sure they'll understand.

Dita73 · 21/10/2024 05:07

It’s your daughter’s wedding not yours. She’s not going to listen to your suggestions,she’s got her own ideas. The best thing you can do is keep quiet. You go to the wedding and support your daughter or don’t go,upset her and ruin your relationship with her for the rest of your life. Stop sulking,mind your own business and be happy for her

PurBal · 21/10/2024 05:31

The wedding isn't about you OP.

(@ThomasPatrickKeatingsDegas I don't agree. Church is open to all.

autienotnaughty · 21/10/2024 05:45

If you are poor and literally can't afford it then you need a conversation with them otherwise you need to suck it up it's your dds wedding.

You will be expected to stay both nights as will rest of bridal party.

The rest of guests it's totally their choice. An hour twenty they could drive if they prefer.

If I was a guest (but not wedding party) I would drive up morning of the wedding. I would possibly stay depending on cost otherwise I would get a nearby travel lodge or similar.. Depending on how I was financially and how close I was to the B&G.

I got married in a hotel about a hour away. Only myself and bridesmaids stayed the night before. I'd say maybe half the guests stayed the night of the wedding.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/10/2024 05:46

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:31

Just yo clear a few points. My daughter also wants the service in a church. No we are not footing the bill but will be giving them dome funds I have said to both my x and sil that it is their day and they gave what makes them happy. The point about staying over at donewhere which is more than 1hr 20 away from home was that other afternoon guests may not afford it and night guests may think it's too far away. My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc. I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation and having a meal out in a pub etc night before with other day guests to enjoy the spirit of the occasion however giving people the chance to go home now sleep in a hotel near if they want.

But that’s not what she wants. If people thinks it’s too far or can’t afford to stay then they can decline the invite.

SunsetSkylane · 21/10/2024 06:08

You had your wedding right? Now it's her turn. Stop being such a misery, for goodness sake.

ObsidianTree · 21/10/2024 06:21

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:31

Just yo clear a few points. My daughter also wants the service in a church. No we are not footing the bill but will be giving them dome funds I have said to both my x and sil that it is their day and they gave what makes them happy. The point about staying over at donewhere which is more than 1hr 20 away from home was that other afternoon guests may not afford it and night guests may think it's too far away. My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc. I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation and having a meal out in a pub etc night before with other day guests to enjoy the spirit of the occasion however giving people the chance to go home now sleep in a hotel near if they want.

Having the ceremony nearer home would just make it difficult for everyone that goes onto the reception. Plus taking 3 hours out of the day for people staying in the venue to travel to ceremony and back from ceremony. That really doesn't make any sense. Just to cater for people that may not want to go to the whole wedding? I'm sure most people would want to travel to the wedding and would be happy to do so. People can decline the invite if they don't want to travel etc. Has anyone complained about it to you? Or are you assuming people will feel as negatively as you?

Is this your only daughter? I'm surprised that you are being so negative. Why aren't you happy for your daughter and excited? So what if you have to pay to stay in an accommodation. This is a once in a lifetime thing. You really are sounding miserable and hard work. Don't give anymore suggestions to your daughter. Go along with everything and don't complain about it. It's their day, don't upset them.

Leopardprintlover101 · 21/10/2024 06:37

You’re right - you do sound like a miserable cow.

Your daughter’s plans are totally reasonable. Sounds like a very standard wedding.

Her mother moaning about having to socialise with the other family and it being “forced” on the other hand is totally UNREASONABLE.

Stop being a moaning cow and just tell your daughter you’re pleased for her and it all sounds lovely. You’re lucky to be invited!

Obsessedwithsourdough · 21/10/2024 06:41

I don’t think this is uncommon now. I would just accept what they want and go along with it. It’s their wedding and their choice. Unless you really can’t afford it.

Cakeandcardio · 21/10/2024 06:43

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:31

Just yo clear a few points. My daughter also wants the service in a church. No we are not footing the bill but will be giving them dome funds I have said to both my x and sil that it is their day and they gave what makes them happy. The point about staying over at donewhere which is more than 1hr 20 away from home was that other afternoon guests may not afford it and night guests may think it's too far away. My sil wants us all to stay in a house on the grounds where it has a kitchen etc and one of us makes brekkie etc. I have suggested having the ceremony nearer to home so that people don't need to pay for this overnight accommodation and having a meal out in a pub etc night before with other day guests to enjoy the spirit of the occasion however giving people the chance to go home now sleep in a hotel near if they want.

I think it can be very common to have a wedding this distance from their home. The done thing here is that the bride and groom put on a bus back to the hometown for guests who do not want to stay

Thistimearound · 21/10/2024 06:46

I think you just stop with your opinions and suggestions, tbh. She is planning it herself and doesn’t want you to offer unsolicited advice.

I’m one of those people that does not enjoy weddings so I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. I get, but that’s just weddings isn’t it? They are forced situations - you get put on a table with people you don’t know and have to be friendly with, you have to mingle with guests throughout the night. There is usually a wedding breakfast which again, even though you’d rather not, you have to go to in the morning and smile and have conversations again even though you’d rather have your coffee in peace.

It’s how weddings work. They are rarely held at the local church and then the local pub or village hall anymore. An hour or two away sounds pretty standard. Every wedding I’ve been to as an adult involves hotel stays, normally two nights, and I would say 70% of them involve a drinks reception the night before or a wedding breakfast the next morning. Is it my kind of wedding? No. Is that relevant when it’s not me getting married? Not really.

Mojodojocasahous · 21/10/2024 07:10

Things have definitely changed re weddings and what your daughter is suggesting is the norm now.

I’d maybe ask her to think about her evening guests in terms of travel and not to be disappointed if people don’t come. When I got married my dad paid for a bus for evening guests which might be something to consider.

Think of the whole weekend as a great opportunity to get to know the in laws better after all this is the joining of two families, you’ll be seeing them a lot more in future, especially if you’re sharing childcare

Mojodojocasahous · 21/10/2024 07:24

By the way I think it’s ok to find the whole thing a bit overwhelming.
Thinking back to my own parents wedding - local church (as most did) then buffet at the cricket club in comparison with my brothers upcoming wedding which is a three day country house event like your daughters.
I know my dad will have said to my mum at least once “all this fuss” but he will go along with it because it makes my brother and his wife to
be happy.
I suspect he might pop back to the room for a sneaky brandy and a read of the paper too.

Lemonadeand · 21/10/2024 07:24

Not sure how old you are, but there’s a generation who got really squeezed by weddings because their parents organised everything for them, and then by the time their children came around the children make all the decisions. So they never really got to have much of a say.

My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

I think where weddings and grandchildren are concerned, it’s better to hold off with opinions and suggestions unless directly asked. And even then, shape the reply extremely carefully!

Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself and my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon

It’s nice- they actually want to spend more time with their families and stretch out the celebration a bit.

Edingril · 21/10/2024 07:27

So people have to pay for travel, 2 nights accommodation and I presume they want presents?

Sure their wedding but thry should really pay for it all then

DancingPhantomsOnTheTerrace · 21/10/2024 07:35

Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church.

That's irrelevant.

If guests feel it's too expensive or too far, they won't come - but 90 mins isn't very far for a wedding. If it's expensive people won't stay over.

AGoingConcern · 21/10/2024 07:40

Edingril · 21/10/2024 07:27

So people have to pay for travel, 2 nights accommodation and I presume they want presents?

Sure their wedding but thry should really pay for it all then

People don’t have to do a damn thing.

The bride & groom would like to invite a subset of guests whom they are closest with - the families and wedding party, about 30 people - to come the night before so everyone can have time together. If that isn’t important to OP or other family members then they can say “sorry, we can’t make it up the night before but we’ll be there for the ceremony and reception” or decline entirely.

They’re not demanding every guest pay for a weeklong all inclusive in Bali, here.