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Original poster

Daughters wedding

280 replies

ElatedSnail · 21/10/2024 00:02

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 21/10/2024 07:44

"Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church."

You are practising Christians?

FrenchandSaunders · 21/10/2024 07:51

I’ve been married nearly 30 years and did a similar thing. I loved coming down to breakfast in the hotel and seeing family and friends.

We then went back to our flat which was full of friends sleeping on the floor 🤣. We all went down the pub for the afternoon … such happy memories.

Went on honeymoon the following day.

Just go with the flow OP.

Schoolchoicesucks · 21/10/2024 07:53

Yes, I'm afraid you are being a bit miserable.

Are you and your DH religious or just "traditional"? Is your Dd and her fiance religious? If not, then I'm surprised you would be expecting them to marry in a church.

Many couples marry in "wedding venues" as it is convenient to be able to have everything in one place - ceremony, wedding breakfast, party.

And many venues offer rooms that are convenient for wedding guests to stay over in - guests who have travelled a long distance, guests who want to have a drink.

An evening meal the night before and a group breakfast the following morning are increasingly done out of convenience, to extend the celebrations, for the group to get to know one another, exchange stories and memories of the couple and the day.

You say you don't exactly know the fiancé's family but seem reluctant to take this as an opportunity to build a relationship.

If money is tight, that is one thing (though "traditionally" the bride's family would be footing the whole bill so 2 nights accommodation is comparatively small sum). What are your concerns about spending 2 nights with your daughter and future son-in-law's friends and family?

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
Sleepoo · 21/10/2024 07:54

This is a very normal wedding format (I am not sure I’ve been to many weddings where I didn’t have to travel and stay over. Maybe none?!) and you are being a bit of a fun sponge. Just be nice and happy and go along with it - it’s only a couple of days.

StormingNorman · 21/10/2024 07:55

I don’t think you’re miserable OP. Or maybe I’m miserable too because I prefer weddings to be a one day affair. But then I prefer church and a marquee in the garden to a big venue. It feels more personal.

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 07:57

It sounds like you’re just taking issue with everything. You seem to have a lot of opinions and wants.
Its not your wedding.

WhatNoRaisins · 21/10/2024 07:57

I'm a bit mixed here. If you know that many of the family and friends on your side won't be able to afford this or be willing to travel then I don't think that it's unreasonable to talk to the couple about this. Whilst this sort of travel for weddings is more normal it's usually because of the guests being spread Geographically and it can't be avoided. Seems a bit daft if it's a mostly local guestlist.

As for the church and the tradition, keep well out. That's not important. It's more important that they treat their guests decently.

Schoolchoicesucks · 21/10/2024 08:00

Are your future son-in-law's family in the same town as you? Are their friends all there as well? You seem to want everything to happen locally to you, but if that isn't local to everyone else surely you can see that it isn't all about you....

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 21/10/2024 08:03

Sounds pretty normal and totally uncontroversial to me. Not sure what you're bothered about. It's not really your job to be fretting about what the other guests will or won't like about it either.

rookiemere · 21/10/2024 08:06

I would share your reservations as the main issue they will find is that people won't want to spend £150-200 per night for 2 nights so will either not stay and drive there and back in a day or stay somewhere cheaper with a breakfast buffet, and how is the catering going to be arranged.

Maybe the way to go is ask questions, rather than make statements. So ask what happens if they don't get all the rooms booked, how are the guests going to be fed. But be very careful here, ultimately it's their big day and if they aren't going to be paying extra or trying to make their guests suck up any unsold rooms through increased prices, then I would pay up for your room and say as little as possible.

Summerishere123 · 21/10/2024 08:11

This is the new tradition. I have attended 4 weddings in the last 3 years for close family and friends and for all of them, close family and friends have stayed the night before and after with big meals and breakfasts etc.

needhelpwiththisplease · 21/10/2024 08:16

How can you not be joyful and excited?
Why are you not just listening to your daughter and helping her with plans ?
I hope you are not sucking the joy out of her wedding excitement.
Just go with the flow or butt out!

jolies1 · 21/10/2024 08:19

What your daughter is planning seems fairly standard now / not too extravagant. Okay so you will need to pay for accommodation but it’s your daughters wedding, its a one off!

Now couples have lived together for a while before getting married having a post-wedding breakfast and chat about the night before is quite normal, we did this and it made the day much more relaxed as we knew we had spent time with auntie Mary, cousin John etc on the Friday night or Sunday breakfast so we didn’t need to spend ages on our wedding day making sure we had sat and chatted to all our guests :) a lot of couples have a delayed honeymoon anyway as they want to save a bit for a big trip.

Mumistiredzzzz · 21/10/2024 08:21

This line about you and your OH preferring a church...it's not your wedding. None of this is about you.

jolies1 · 21/10/2024 08:21

rookiemere · 21/10/2024 08:06

I would share your reservations as the main issue they will find is that people won't want to spend £150-200 per night for 2 nights so will either not stay and drive there and back in a day or stay somewhere cheaper with a breakfast buffet, and how is the catering going to be arranged.

Maybe the way to go is ask questions, rather than make statements. So ask what happens if they don't get all the rooms booked, how are the guests going to be fed. But be very careful here, ultimately it's their big day and if they aren't going to be paying extra or trying to make their guests suck up any unsold rooms through increased prices, then I would pay up for your room and say as little as possible.

They may have some who don’t stay but to be fair I think £200 for 2 night’s accommodation and meals is pretty reasonable.

Mischance · 21/10/2024 08:27

Stop making suggestions. It is not your wedding. Zip the lip .... something you need to learn to get good at as their lives progress and children arrive.
I have 3 DDs who all chose different weddings. I backed them up every inch of the way and shared their joy. This is what you MUST do.

rookiemere · 21/10/2024 08:28

@jolies1 I read it as £150-200 per night in OP, so £300-400 for 2 nights, which is a lot more than the Premier Inn usually costs.

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 08:31

rookiemere · 21/10/2024 08:28

@jolies1 I read it as £150-200 per night in OP, so £300-400 for 2 nights, which is a lot more than the Premier Inn usually costs.

People don’t usually want their wedding at a premier in though?

rookiemere · 21/10/2024 08:37

@Completelyjo no I agree people don't get married at a Premier Inn, but guests are free to stay wherever they want.

We went to Dnephews wedding and forked out a small fortune for a hotel room on site, thinking that's what everyone else was doing. Turned out most people were either driving home or staying at the PI nearby- including the grooms DPs.

It was nice though as we ended up having breakfast by ourselves with the bride and groom.

Ginnnny · 21/10/2024 08:39

Sorry, OP, but it's not up to you! And times have changed, I've been to a couple of weddings now that were basically weekend long - with meal and drinks friday, wedding saturday, brunch all together on Sunday. Couples don't leave the reception and go straight on honeymoon anymore, love!

Thebellofstclements · 21/10/2024 08:49

Oh god. I was told "you are the one getting married but it's your mother's wedding" and she proceeded to organise the whole thing and I just turned up on the day.
My husband and I have a happy marriage but the wedding day was totally forgettable for me.

Iamblossom · 21/10/2024 08:53

I got married 24 years ago and we had a big breakfast the following morning with all the guests that had stayed in the hotel that we had also stayed in. They all they also came to lunch at my parent's ' house.

burnoutbabe · 21/10/2024 08:56

rookiemere · 21/10/2024 08:28

@jolies1 I read it as £150-200 per night in OP, so £300-400 for 2 nights, which is a lot more than the Premier Inn usually costs.

Plus that cost probably depends on how many guests agree to pay up.

As it's a shared house in the grounds? One assumes whole place hired.

Very different to people booking a room with breakfast in hotel restaurants included.

Does everyone get en suite? Probably not. Who makes breakfast? Probably mum! Who pays the extra when place not full up? Probably the parents!

Dita73 · 21/10/2024 08:57

If your daughter had a very traditional wedding then you’d be paying for the lot so you’ve got off lightly

Completelyjo · 21/10/2024 08:59

burnoutbabe · 21/10/2024 08:56

Plus that cost probably depends on how many guests agree to pay up.

As it's a shared house in the grounds? One assumes whole place hired.

Very different to people booking a room with breakfast in hotel restaurants included.

Does everyone get en suite? Probably not. Who makes breakfast? Probably mum! Who pays the extra when place not full up? Probably the parents!

Show quote history

Bit of a leap to suggest the bride expects her mum to cook breakfast or pay for unused rooms.