Daughters wedding

[ElatedSnail]

My d and her OH have just announced their engagement. Wedding venues are being discussed. Me and my OH are traditional and ideally would prefer the ceremony to be held in a church. However she is looking at venues around hr and half away from home in big manor houses. We are a very small family and although we have met my daughters OH immediate family and friends i wouldnt say that we are friends. I feel asmif it is a forced situation and i dont feel that comfortable They are wanting us and other day guests to stay and pay for accommodation the night b4 the wedding and including the wedding night. They want the majority of day guests to stay the night and have food together. About 30 ish or so. Morning after wedding they want us all to have brekkie together. This seems strange to me. At this time of myself amd my husband wedding we were off on our honeymoon. Couldn't think of anything worse on the morning after to be having to spend all breakfast time with inlaws etc.There is also the cost of the stay around 150 to 200.00 per night plus extras for the food and drink that they are suggesting is bought in. Am I being a miserable cow. My daughter doesn't seem to want to listen to any of my suggestions

Yeah you are sorry. Its perfectly normal for that arrangement , been to a few. Breakfast was a hoot actually. Lovely

Remember its your daughters wedding....

I would just give them the total money that you're both planning to give and let them get on with it. I think their plans are a bit ridiculous, expecting their guests to stay and pay but it seems to be a thing for some couples now, they want the photos of a lifestyle they can't afford so guests pay. It is their day, they can have what they want - and can pay for/get other people to pay for.

Don't let your anti-thoughts spoil what should be a wonderful day.

It's your daughters choice but I wouldn't be surprised if other people also found the cost and expectations rather OTT

And no not completely normal either

Clearly in some social media conclaves it's normal but no I don't think is what most people do or what a sizeable minority do

If parents are going to give them a lump sum towards the wedding -which involves them hiring a whole house for guests, I think its very cheeky to then charge parents another £x for their share of that house.

I think you need to keep all your opinions and helpful suggestions to yourself to be honest. You are old fashioned in your views and I can see this causing the bride and her future spouse much upset and stress. You oh (is he your x oh?) and most certainly your sister in law need to back off.

My sibling did something very similar when they got married. They did find a local church where they got married near the country house as it was important to my sibling's spouse to get married in church. Nearly all the guests arrived the day before and stayed the night after the wedding too. However some travelled the morning of the wedding and some left the next day. Also there were lots of guests who chose not to stay in the venue and picked airbnbs and guesthouses. They were not offended though that some people did not attend due to finances.

The cooking breakfast suggestion is madness.

OP, I think you are in a difficult position and all you can realistically do is to smile and nod and say 'that's lovely', even if you don't think so - but the money that you give should be the total that you want to give and take account of the accommodation/any other costs for yourself and your husband.

It's not clear who is supposed to be cooking breakfast but if that's not something you want to do (I wouldn't), then don't feel obliged. If the couple want to cook breakfast then they can do that, or perhaps somebody will volunteer or they will make arrangements for that, it definitely doesn't need to be organised by you.

It's all well and good for bride/groom to disregard parents and decide for themselves how their wedding is to be but it's then up to them to think that through and plan accordingly.

Maybe you could direct your money towards specific purchases, like flowers or cake. I'd like to buy my DD's wedding dress, for example. It might make you feel better about things - I'd probably resent paying for something I didn't think was a good idea and if b&g want you to pay for your own accommodation, it might be less galling if you don't just give them a lump sum of money to waste spend as they see fit.

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Some very strong ones indeed. I have read them all. SIl is future son in law. Not going to lie. It does appears I am still living in the 80's and 90's and am a tad out of touch. Both myself and my husband are traditional and although not to everyone's taste I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My husband really wants to walk his daughter gown the isle when she marries. My daughter wants a church service and initially was looking at smaller venues pretty local to where majority of families are based. However the groom has specified he wants majority of day guests to spend the night together so tp speak eating pizzas. This was something on the lines of a big house with kitchen etc with enough bedrooms for the said guests. Everyone to mingle in the house the night before the wedding and for the same kind of thing on the morning after the wedding. My daughter says she is unable to find anything local that fits the above and therefor was looking at places around 1 1/2 hrs away. However not sure how this would incorporate a church service. She also specified she didn't want it like her friends weddings however it sounds as if it is just the same. All I wanted to put across to her is that foe night guests I thought such a journey was too far. They may not be able to afford to stay over which could mean some don't come. I also thought that around 200.00 per couple per night does seem rather a lot and again not everyone may appreciate this extra money to pay out. We also have animals and would need to find alternative arrangements for them. Other people may also have this situation or perhaps alhave child care issues. I genuinely thought that by having a meal whether it be pizza or steak as a large group the night before would be a good alternative.i have stressed to my daughter that it's her day and she has to choose however to be aware that not everyone may go along with their choices. By no means do I want to be controlling and I always tell me daughter regardless of whatever she chooses. Ie wedding , wallpaper lol. She is an adult she makes her own choices but u might not always agree. That doesn't mean either one of us right or wrong just different opinions.

@ElatedSnail your DD and future son in law need to read some of the wedding threads on here.

There are a huge number of posts from people who don't go to weddings because they are child free, involve an overnight stay and they can't get a sitter or because they can't afford it.

The couple really need to think about the guests. Staying in a house with about 20 other people is not my idea of fun. It might work for a load of twenty somethings, but I think the couple have unrealistic expectations.

When we got married we realised that we had to make it easy for our guests. As DH and I come from different ends of the country and our families are scattered it did involve travel for quite a few family members. It wasn't a destination wedding. I got married in my home town, but we chose a hotel within walking distance of the church, and the guests who needed an overnight stay stayed in the hotel. So we did all have breakfast together, simply because we awere all staying there.

If they want a reception miles from the church that also involves over an hour of travel or an overnight stay they may find that some of the guests might send their regrets. They need to decide what is more important to them - the venue or their guests.

@ElatedSnail You did nothing wrong by pointing out to your daughter the potential inconvenience to guests but leave it there. If several people are unable to come, that's the way it is. Your DD and future SIL will still get the wedding that they want.

I do appreciate what you're saying though, I've been to weddings at manor houses and stayed overnight - and it does cost a lot! Tbh, I've only gone to them because they were close friends, and I really wanted to celebrate with them. I'm not sure that I'd go for a cousin, for example.

I'd be giving this some thought too OP but obviously it's your daughter's and fiancé's decision to make. You say your daughter wants a church wedding, is your future son in law listening to her on this?
It seems crazy to me to hold a wedding so far from home (do you and his family live close to each other?) just so everyone can eat bloody pizza the night before and have a breakfast together - that someone else has to cook! Surely they can do that closer to home?
Also, unless it was a very close family member, or I didn't have financial or childcare issues, there's no way I'd spend £300-400 on accommodation. If I did have those issues, I wouldn't be travelling 1 and a half hours to a wedding and then the same coming back. Madness.
All you can do really, is communicate with your daughter and her partner and maybe offer alternative suggestions but be prepared for them to do as they wish because after all, it is their wedding day.

Personally I agree with you OP. I think these big country house weddings in the middle of nowhere where guests have to shell out a fortune for the privilege of attending are pretty naff. I'm surprised they're still going strong as there's been quite a resurgence of more "rustic" types of nuptials. I've spoken to many wedding guest over the years due to my job and so many of them would prefer a simpler and easier to get to affair. I also think the idea of having to share meals (apart from the main wedding reception of course) with a huge crowd of strangers is right up there with the worst sort of forced entertainment. But it is what it is. Let's hope after spending £40,000 (or whatever it's costing) that the next step isn't divorce.

I do personally like church weddings but it’s not the done thing anymore. I can’t remember the last church wedding we went to. You need to go along with what your DD wants and support her even if you don’t approve.

Of course there is a right and wrong here - it’s not about options. Whatever your daughter and her future husband wants is right. By voicing any opinions or concerns you will end up worrying them that any decision they make isn’t right. That’s not on. Let them plan and figure out the day they want - you’ve had your day, now it’s their turn. Please keep your thoughts and opinions to yourselves.

Assuming that they are paying, as is normal now, they can choose what they like.

@Saveusernsme What's wrong with pointing out that Friend X, who's got two young children and a big mortgage, might not be able to afford an overnight stay? I think it's fine to point out that their choice might be beyond some people's budgets.

They don’t these days. They, and the groom’s parents might make a contribution, but it’s up to the couple to finance it!

Their plans all seem totally 'normal'.

And ultimately it's their day so wouldn't matter if it wasn't 'normal'.

Not your day, not your say.

Why should it be pointed out? They can figure all that out for themselves. So what if their plans means people can’t attend, does that mean they should change their plans to accommodate everyone? They don’t need to justify or explain their plans to anyone, and they certainly do not it pointed out to them.

An hour and twenty minutes away is nothing I'd consider that local. Unless you have severe financial restraints which given you're gifting them some money o don't think you do, then just pay for the hotel rooms and bloody join in! Nothing you've said sounds like a hardship at all!

@Saveusernsme I agree that the couple shouldn't change their plans to accommodate everyone. Different families communicate in different ways. In mine, mentioning the expense for the guests wouldn't cause offense or upset, or be considered interfering. But then we do talk about everything!

What would be the reason for pointing this out to the couple do you think?

Although it is their decision at the end of the day I sometimes think they unaware of how it may put certain guests off and although I don't think they should pander to their guests as such it obviously may have an impact if a large number especially at the evening o don't turn up. As her mum I feel it is up to me to point out potential issues. What if it's something they haven't thought on and it spoils their wedding. I am encouraging her to make her own choices but as her mum want to point out other alternatives.

But they are not really hotel rooms?

It's a room a shared self catering place? One assumes sharing bathrooms unless 100% are en suite? Someone getting a nice double and others the bunk beds /twin room?