How to break bad news - 11+

[GoodIsGoodEnough]

My DC hasn't scored high enough to get into grammar. It was always going to be a long shot with much less tutoring than their peers, but I am still sad for them.

Any advice on how to tell them the news would be appreciated.

Do I give them their real score which is about 30 marks off, or do I say their score was closer (say 10 marks off)?

I hate that at 10 they're going to not feel "good enough". I never wanted the 11+, they got wind of it and wanted to do it. I feel like I've let them down.

I didn't go to grammar and I've read all the stories of people going to comps and doing well, which I'm sure she will, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this immediate situation today.

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

I think you need to avoid talking about not doing well enough. Lighthearted language more like, it’s really competitive and they haven’t offered you a place (does she need to know the score?). Focus on where she’s likely to go and talk about why that will be the right school for her. ‘It was worth a try but this school has xxxx and you’ll love that’ kind of thing. At 10, she’ll take her lead on your reaction, so if you’re caring but a bit blasé about it, she’ll think it’s less of a big deal.

Grammars are so competitive these days, you’ll probably find her friends haven’t all got places either, which should help keep it in perspective.

I wouldn’t do this. If all her friends are going she will hate her mum for keeping her away from her friends.

Id just be honest. You didn’t score high enough in the test but it’s no big deal. X school will be better for you because they do more insert thing she likes

Don't lie.

There's no need to give the score unless they ask, just that they didn't reach the score for grammar. I would add that I was proud of them.for giving it a go.

After that be guided by them. Allow them to be disappointed, sad etc without trying to cheer them up, acknowledge what they are feeling. Offer hugs, reassurance about the future or whatever else in response to what they express.

Basically start from the point of view that this is disappointing, but temporary. That you have confidence in them to overcome their disappointment and do well and be happy at secondary school, even if it wasn't their first choice.

Thank you.

Round here you get a score today but you don't know if you've got into a school until March.

The schools are around 220 pass mark and she got 183. She'll know the score is available today and will ask.

I do actually think the comp will be a better fit for her anyway, will certainly be hyping it up!

This is one of the reasons that I didn't want her to do it. She is bright and has always done well at school. I don't ever want her to think she isn't enough.

Ah bless you @GoodIsGoodEnough , it is hard. Same situation here, passed, but not high enough for the schools in our area. It will be different per child and only you know your child. We told ours the situation, not the exact score, just that he had passed and we were so so proud of him but sadly because of the stupid system it still wouldn't mean a grammar place. We then talked about how much he'd learned along the way and what a boost that would give starting secondary, then we looked at the positives of going to one of our our local schools (shorter bus journeys etc 'maybe you can take up a new club!)
He was disappointed, both older siblings got the converted places so it was always going to feel awful, but had a cry and lots of cuddles, 24 hours of feeling terrible I'm not going to lie, but now trying to move on. He still doesn't know his exact mark, and to anyone who asks he 'passed but on balance we have decided that school xyz is a better fit for him', and it may well be to be fair.

In my opinion, lying is never a reasonable option. Tell the truth -and then follow up with asking how she feels/acknowledge her disappointment and talk about that good and successful people are defined by their belief system and their principles, not what school they go to. Talk about what makes her a good person/friend/daughter and allow her to reflect and focus on that. She will probably be upset, but working through disappointment is fundamental to becoming a resilient adult.

I would not tell them they passed as suggested by another poster - they will then resent you for the rest of their lives if they hate the school you send them to.

Can you delay telling them until Saturday or are they not in school today?

I would just say that unfortunately they did not get in and focus on the issue that will upset them - friends going to grammar but not them - are there activities that you can take your child to that they can still meet them? Do you know of other children who will be going to the same school as your DC?

I would not lie and say it was just 10 points short as then your DC will be more full of what ifs etc - I suspect today they will be just devastated and won't be asking for the detail anyway.

Hope you can do something nice with your DC at the weekend so they know you aren't fed up with them - I know you are not but children often think they are at fault when they aren't

I definitely wouldn't do that. First, there is a chance of finding out (my parents did something sort of similar to me for an independent school, but a friend who did go, saw an envelope with my name on it at the "possible students" night - I never actually asked my parents about it and not going was the right choice, but still). Second, it means that the child will blame the OP, for not going to the Grammar (and it seems that the OP has already shown that she isn't super keen on them).

The main thing is she shouldn’t feel that you are disappointed, give her a cuddle and tell her it’s fine. Ask her if she wants to do anything today and take her to do it.

Shouldn’t lie to children about their results, it’s an important part of resilience building. That resilience is what will be useful to her in the future.

No, I won't be telling them they passed but won't be going.

I feel guilty we didn't play the tutoring system well enough and trying to separate my guilt from the disappointment for her.

I just don't want her to feel any "less" because she is actually bloody amazing! One score does not tell her who she is. But if I can soften the blow in any way I will.

Tell the truth. Learning to deal with disappointment is an important life skill. Let her feel a but disappointed and then help her move on and be excited about her new school.

This is why the teenagers I teach go to pieces at the slightest of bloody things! Parents, you don't need to shield them from everthing. Prepare them for the real world. Remind them that successful people have knock backs and what makes them successful is perseverance.

My DC2 was about 8 marks off. I waited until we got home from school and then just very gently told her the score (and that it was 5 marks off). She asked me what the percentage was and we worked it out. It was just over 70%. She was really happy with that mark! She told me that she was happy getting anything over 50%, and that she looked up that >70% at uni meant a first class degree!! I did check in on her about it from time to time, to make sure she was ok. She's honestly been fine.

She had wanted to do the 11+, but I told her that it is not the be all and end all, but it was a good chance to learn how to revise and sit a more formal exam. We went through revision books and practice papers together (like I did with DC1). One year on and she's very happily settled in a lovely school.

My daughter also didn't pass. In my area you need 332 to pass, she got 325. The girls grammar here have implied they will accept her on appeal in March.

I will say though, she never had a tutor as I personally don't believe in them. My older daughter goes to a girls grammar and my son missed his 11+ by 9 points, they accepted him into the boys grammar halfway through year 7 but he stayed at his comp because he loves it.

Will you appeal? Personally, I will appeal only because the girls grammar has a better SEN provision and my daughter has ASD but would be completely happy for her to go to the local comp if it fails. To be honest, I feel more at home at the comp and when I go to my daughters grammar school I feel like I have imposter syndrome as we don't come from a world with tutors and the like.

Honestly I know kids who were tutored for 2 years and still didn’t get in. If she narrowly missed it I can understand feeling like you could have done more but it’s a bit of a gap here, tbh it may just not have been the place for her. Let go of it.

It’s not the be all and end all, it’s disappointing but the thing to do is to have a little wallow then pick yourself up, dust yourself off crack on.

I'm in slightly different situation. My DC scored 170. He is not bothered one bit. But it's a dagger in my heart. Grammar would've been better for him. I blame myself for not booking him into extra tuition.
I would give her slightly higher result to make her feel better about herself but don't lie that she passed like some suggested.
Remind her that the test isn't a reflection on how clever she is or on her potential.

Remind them that successful people have knock backs and what makes them successful is perseverance

This! Don’t lie to protect her feelings - it’s an exam and she knows there’s a chance she might not pass. Better to ask which parts of the exam she found difficult and work on those. It will be [briefly] horrible if her friends all got in, but it’s not a disaster, just a different route.

I have had to do this, twice. I found it best to just gently explain that they hadn't passed but there were still good options available and that they could still do the same exams at 16 and get to the same goals in life. Bigging up the other school was important and emphasising their strengths and that the 11 plus is just a snapshot which only looks at a few topics. For instance one dc loved science and highlighting that the 11 plus doesn't cover science at all so it doesn't need to define them.

In the end one did go to a grammar school for yr7 on appeal. The other one moved to a grammar school for A levels having done really well at GCSE despite not liking the school. One is studying medicine and the other one is applying to Cambridge.

We didn't tell them their actual score until much later in their schooling partly to save comparison between siblings but also so they can honestly tell their friends that they didn't know it they just knew they had passed/ not passed. Some children will be comparing scores at school the next day, and that was to be honest the hardest day. After that the class tends to divide a little into those who have passed and those who haven't, which is sad. Once they are in secondary it is mainly forgotten about. Most of my dc have made entirely different friendship groups in secondary and it is an opportunity to reinvent themselves. The child at the non grammar gained a reputation as a swot and their peers couldn't believe they hadn't passed.

The 11plus is a brutal and fairly blunt tool, we only went through it due to where we live for work. Encourage her not to let it define her ambitions whatever they may be. Attending a grammar school can result in a more biased view of the world and it is easy for them to lose touch with the wide spectrum of ability. It is not always the happiest place to be.

I’d just be honest. My DS didn’t get into the local (very competitive Surrey) grammars. He went to the local comp and left with 9x grade 9’s (and 2 8’s) - and 3 x A* at the sixth form of local comp. DD never wanted to apply, and left this summer with all 9’s. She did apply to sixth form at the girls grammar but in the end decided against it, its well known to be very pressured. Pretty sure she will also do well in her A levels. DS already has a graduate job lined up for next year when he graduates. Kids can do just as well at the local comps.

I’m glad you’re not going to lie that they passed and I think in some ways it’s easier that they were well off the pass mark rather than short by just a few marks. Big up the school they’ll be going to and gently point out the negatives of grammars (for example I’ve got friends kids who went there and never felt good enough). Also point out that high school is seven years and people do move, especially for A levels if it’s what’s meant to be.

but as per pp, do not for a second let on if you’re disappointed just be relentlessly upbeat and positive about their new school.

That’s a terrible idea.
My dm did pass and wasn’t allowed to go, she resented the decision all her life.

Reading this thread makes me feel so glad we don't have grammar schools in our county.

I really feel for those who think that they have done badly in life at such a young age.

I would just say the truth - she worked hard and she did well, but other people did better on the day (it helped mine to understand that he'd done his bit, but that other people's scores were out of his hands).

You can also explain that a lot of people who passed will have had extensive tutoring and/or come from an independent prep school.

Absolutely do not lie! Your child will tell people this at school, it will be exposed as a lie, and your child will be called a liar

Tell them the score. Will your daughter realise it is too low for her to get a place? Either way you can say you aren’t sure until March but she isn’t likely to get a place. (I’m sure she will compare with friends and realise it is much lower so wouldn’t just say wait until March.)
Allow her to be sad and how proud you are.