How to break bad news - 11+

[GoodIsGoodEnough]

My DC hasn't scored high enough to get into grammar. It was always going to be a long shot with much less tutoring than their peers, but I am still sad for them.

Any advice on how to tell them the news would be appreciated.

Do I give them their real score which is about 30 marks off, or do I say their score was closer (say 10 marks off)?

I hate that at 10 they're going to not feel "good enough". I never wanted the 11+, they got wind of it and wanted to do it. I feel like I've let them down.

I didn't go to grammar and I've read all the stories of people going to comps and doing well, which I'm sure she will, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this immediate situation today.

We told our DC that the test was there to help find the right school for them depending on their learning styles. A bit like the sorting hat decided which house you go in depending on your personality. So it wasn’t really a pass or fail test, more that the score would help to determine which school was right for them.

I caN't remember what I said to DC1. They didn't come close to passing the 11+. They went to a comp, got all 8s and 9s in their GCSEs, 4 x A* in their A Levels and graduated with a 1st at one of the world's top universities.

Just let them know it doesn't matter what kind of school they go to, they still have the same opportunities.

Look, if you needed to tutor her within an inch of her life to get into grammar, she may have struggled had she got there and that would have been miserable. Just explain the competition was exceptionally high this year, that they did really well but didn't quite hit the magic number required. Then move on the celebrating their score and bigging up the local comps HARD. Presumably a good number of her cohort will also be attending the same secondary schools? Focus on that. Don't make it into a big deal and it will be a learning experience for making the most of opportunities when life doesn't quite go as hoped.

Just be honest. It's a good life lesson she didn't pass an exam and it's OK, it happens and it's not the end of the world. Regarding the tutoring I don't think its a great idea for tutors for the 11+. If you've put that much time and effort in to pass an exam your gonna really struggle at the school.

I’m having the same situation. I told her the score, which was a pass but not enough to get a place. I told her that what she has achieved is amazing. She has passed a very tough exam and done better than nearly 1,000 other children. Unfortunately there is only 180 places.
Also, getting a place is only the start, once you are there it would be a very competitive environment, where there might not be time for ‘down time’ like playing Roblox etc. Also the majority of her friends are going to the local high school which is a short walk from our house. I think it also helped she got a similar score to the other girls she knows who sat the exam.

what is covered in the exam isn’t actually taught until year 6, the exam is in the first weeks of year 6. If you don’t have a tutor, there’s no chance of passing.

I don't know they're going to be upset, hopefully they will take it in their stride.

I'm just a parent asking for some advice on how to handle the situation.

Just tell her she did really well and that it wasn't high enough for the grammar but that's fine because you wouldn't want her going to the school that wasn't right for her. Then focus on the great things about the other schools near you e.g. one of the secondary schools near us puts on fantastic theatre shows open to anyone to go to

would just say the truth - she worked hard and she did well, but other people did better on the day (it helped mine to understand that he'd done his bit, but that other people's scores were out of his hands)

This is a good way to put it. Definitely don’t lie- there’s no benefit in it and every chance of coming unstuck, especially as you’ll have to keep the lie up for her whole life.

Emphasise how proud you are of her and then focus on her options now.

11+ is huge around here. They'll be discussing in playground and comparing marks. Tell your child that they got the mark that gets them into [insert non-grammar school here], and that you're really proud of them. But do tell them that they didn't get the mark required to get into grammar, as you do need to be clear, but emphasise that the test just tells you what school is best for you. No need to use the word "fail".
If they don't know their mark, they're just going to look a bit strange amongst their friends! It's nothing to be ashamed of, grammar would not suit them.

You called it bad news, so if they take in their stride it is news not good or bad

My advice is just tell them they didn't pass if they ask what they got tell then, you don't need to do any more or less

This happened to me in the early 1970s. I failed a potentially life changing exam, no tutoring or help from parents or (then) current school. I think tutoring would have helped me understand the exam questions better, but tutoring wasn't a thing back then (for my family)

I was simply told that I didn't pass the exam

I dont remember being devastated, I think possibly because I already knew I wasn't good enough

It's not a harmless white lie, it's an outright lie which could lead them to resent you for years to come. Why exactly did they sit the test if they were going to be denied their place?

You don't build resilience and honesty or owning things by lying to children.

Nonsense.

OP the best lesson your dd can carry away from this is that she should never let fear of failure limit her choices. It's great she gave the exam a go, it's a pity she didn't score as much as she would have liked but she can still go on to do great things.

Praise effort over results. Tell her the truth, she didn't score high enough. But makes sure she knows you are proud of her, for the hard work she did in preparation and for giving it a go. Talk about reasons why the other school will be a good fit for her so she can get excited about it.

Don't be ridiculous iv known loads of kids who have passed their 11+ without tutors.

I'd just be breezy and say, oh you didn't get thr 220, nevermind, there's plenty of other great options.
If she insists on the score, give it. But I'd emphasise when you do, that it was exam technique that let her down. Oh we probably should have done more practice papers or gotten a tutor. So she feels like it was not that she wasn't bright enough but wasn't experienced at the exam technique (which is fixable)

Be truthful, tell her the score. You are doing her no favours by lying

Er ok then. Not sure how kids would magically know something they have never been taught before……but if you magically know what is in the 11+ in my area and know the year 6 curriculum in my child school then I’m being ridiculous.

If the child genuinely wanted to do I would agree but how many parents are more devastated than the children

How many parents want them to do it for themselves?

Never lie to your child. Tell them the truth but lead the way through it, show them how to deal with it. That's parenting and will set them up to face adversity in life, it's one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
Allow her to feel disappointed but say you are proud, they have learned useful things and it's really not a big deal. There are many reasons why the comp will be better, more interesting for them, lead to a happier future. It is a small blip on the landscape of life and you are delighted with how your child tackled the challenge. Make sure your reactions reflect the positive words you are speaking.

Don't tell them this !

But that's exactly it, it's not just your area just because your area is failing to teach the kids doesn't mean other areas are

I think it’s a pretty flawed system - from second hand info primary schools tell families they don’t need to prepare when in fact they have no chance without doing a lot. I’d tell her that it is not a reliable system that somehow tells you how intelligent you are or how much potential you have. It’s sorting children based on performance on a couple of occasions, when some have had much more preparation than others. She did well and is amazing and she will do well… and the preparation she did (without it taking over her life, which would be undesirable) will help her make a fantastic start at secondary school…

Just tell the truth. Lots of suggestions here about how to do it in a gentle and positive way.
Learning to deal with the many disappointments that are coming down the line is an important life skill.