How to break bad news - 11+

[GoodIsGoodEnough]

My DC hasn't scored high enough to get into grammar. It was always going to be a long shot with much less tutoring than their peers, but I am still sad for them.

Any advice on how to tell them the news would be appreciated.

Do I give them their real score which is about 30 marks off, or do I say their score was closer (say 10 marks off)?

I hate that at 10 they're going to not feel "good enough". I never wanted the 11+, they got wind of it and wanted to do it. I feel like I've let them down.

I didn't go to grammar and I've read all the stories of people going to comps and doing well, which I'm sure she will, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this immediate situation today.

Better to be a bigger fish in a big pool.

Ofsted. Just saying.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/primary/2304351-Teachers-is-it-preferable-to-teach-in-private-schools

Both my DD passed the 11+ (this is not to be boastful) and I never told them their score. I said they passed and that was enough. I’m glad I made that decision as the next day at school it wasn’t just that you passed but whom did better than whom. It meant that we could avoid that noise. Just say you did not pass but it’s not the end of the world and we are proud of you for taking it etc. There are plenty of examples of people who failed the 11+ and became extremely successful. Look these up and show your child.

Terrible advice. She'll know you lied and/or resent you for your so called decision

Excellent advice

Selective and grammar schools can be really great for academic children. But I have known a number of children whose parents have pulled strings to get them into a selective school, and once there the kids have really struggled. My point is that whilst it is disappointing for your child, would it be good for them to always be right near the bottom of the class even if in a non-selective school they may be eg. in the top third. If you think it’s achievable and your child just had a bad test day could you apply again at 13? I don’t think you should lie to your child. They will be disappointed but this does not make them any kind of failure and you need to be the one ensuring they see it that way.

I'm astonished that grammar schools are still around. I thought they were all done away with years ago.

I took the 11+ as a ‘bright’ kid. My best friend passed but I didn’t and ended up going to a comp. I fell down on maths which I already knew I was weak on. But my parents and I very much framed it as the school was looking for a very specific kind of ‘smart’ and I didn’t fit into that box. I went to a comp and had a great experience. Top sets and all that. Went to a Russell Group uni with a lot of people who paid for their educations or went to grammars!! Best friend didn’t end up having a great time. Sometimes things just aren’t a right fit. Doesn’t make her not clever, it’s just that the grammar has a particular way of teaching that fits a particular type of pupil - the test is designed to find those pupils.

Definitely don’t lie!

But do explain that the standardised score is affected by many factors including their age / how everyone else scored. My son understands that even if he does he absolute best that there might just be more kids that do better than him. Unfortunately you don’t find out your percentage which is a shame. I know of siblings where one year one “passed” whereas the next year one “failed”. The failed one always out performed her sibling at school / in SATs etc. Was just a high performing year.

I did the 11 plus 30 years ago before all the tutors and nonsense and it just wasn’t as big a deal. I hate it now

I’m sorry that this happened. The system which allows parents with money to tutor their children more at the expense of poorer families and the additional factor that these parents will be the same the move closer to school catchments is bound to catch the eye of Bridget Philipson soon enough. I assume straight after she’s gone after the private schools she will add VAT to tutoring service.
Bear in mind, that allocation day will be very different also. The number of private school children requesting transfer to the school I’m a governor of has gone up massively and we are expecting many who would take up Yr 7 places at our 3 local independent schools will come to us and so probably the same will happen for your area and so many of the grammars will be even more precious on applications. You will be surprised how many of your child’s peers will not make it to grammar even if they got what you believe to be pass marks.
As a governor of a state comp, I can assure you that it will all be fine, next year will actually be even better because all the pupils who are not going to make it to the grammar are going to have really engaged parents pushing people like me to make their state school even better and that parent power will help us all.
Good luck with the conversation with your DC.

My DSis spent ages tutoring her DS to get him into the local grammar, and regretted it ever since. Depends on your DD but it's not right for everyone and can be hard for those who have struggled to pass the exam and then spend the next five years struggling with everything.

I don't think you need to tell her the scores, and you certainly shouldn't lie. It depends what you have said to her up until now - if you have made it seem essential that she gets into the grammar then things will be harder than if you you have kept your options and expectations open?

I think you need to be open and honest now - no need to mention scores but explain she won't be going to the grammar school and that's fine. As a PP said maybe look at what the comp offers that will be attractive to her. Where are her friends going?

I had the same situation with my daughter after the 11+. She was devastated when she realised that she hadn’t scored high enough for the school she wanted but it’s a very hard life lesson. All the schools by us are selective except one which she didn’t want to go to but that’s where she has ended up and is thriving. She’s doing really well. She’s top set in English and Maths and doing lots of drama work as extra curricular activities. I said when she started to give it a term and if she hated it we would move her. By October half term she had already decided she was happy and wanted to stay. It’s a tricky one but be honest with her the whole way.

Thanks for so many replies and an interesting debate. I know grammar isn't for everyone and not everyone believes in it etc, but it currently is an opportunity.

Do I wish grammars were done away with and state schools were properly funded? Equal opportunities for all? Absolutely! But as that isn't the current reality .

State schools are woeful (I work in one). DD will go to our catchment school which is throughly run down and doesn't have great facilities.

When I told her she was teary and a bit sad for the day but is ok. Other people at school have a score that qualified them. Luckily I haven't needed to tell DD her score, she asked once and I said I couldn't recall at that moment. To the posters suggesting I would be all down and disappointed when I told her using negative language, I can assure you that didn't happen.

What I do know is that we've had people return to dancing and another sport who stopped these activities to focus on tutoring and 11+ practice. DD didn't give up parts of her life that make her happy.

Grammar isn't the be all and end all, that isn't what my OP was saying, but the one she wanted does offer more for a child, in much better facilities. The school she'll go to looks like it hasn't had anything done to it since it was built maybe in the 50s/60s. It looks like my high school when I went! We'd already booked another visit to see it for next week so will make that a positive experience.

I had this with my DD. We didn't actually find out about the 11+ until a friend mentioned it and we found out grammar schools in our area were free (not originally from the UK, so didn't know).
She only had about 7 months to study for the exam and missed out by 20 marks, but we'd always said from the start that we would be proud no matter what she got.
We also made sure to praise her for doing so well despite having such a short time to prepare, especially as a lot of the kids had been getting tuition for at least 2 years.
One thing we also made clear was that this was a "nice to" not a "need to" experience and if she got a passing mark, that wouldn't guarantee her a place at the school.

CGP books don't cost much, downloading verbal reasoning apps is mostly free. You can get VR flashcard cheap second hand. Buying CGP practice books and whole practice exams plus flashcards shouldn't cost more than 50 pounds if you go all out.

If a child is very intelligent and does well in school you don't need to pay a tutor. Sit down with your child, go through the CGP books, there are plenty of practice papers online, and you can easily read up on exam practice. The most important factor for succeeding in the 11+, other than the child being naturally academic, focused and striving, is having parents who are committed to helping the child achieve. Regular practice, a bit of maths and VR/NVR every day in year 5 it takes only 20 minutes. Then do a practice paper every other week in the few months running up the exam. I can't see why kids have to give up fun hobbies. Practice takes about 20 minutes a day, which should leave enough time for scouts, guides, sports and some screen time.

And, people can use chatgpt for free. So much helpful information. If you get a practice question wrong, you can also consult ChatGPT. Here are the strategies ChatGPT recommends, a simple question, quick answer.

1. *Understand the Format*: Familiarize yourself with the structure of the exam, including types of questions (e.g., verbal reasoning, non-verbal reasoning, math, and English). Knowing what to expect helps reduce anxiety.

1. *Practice Past Papers*: Regularly work through past exam papers or practice papers. This will help you get used to the question styles and improve your time management skills.

1. *Time Management*: During practice sessions, time yourself. Learn to allocate your time wisely across different sections, and practice moving on if you get stuck on a question.

1. *Read Instructions Carefully*: In the exam, take a moment to read all instructions thoroughly. Misunderstanding a question can lead to mistakes.

1. *Elimination Technique*: For multiple-choice questions, use the process of elimination to narrow down your options. This increases your chances of selecting the correct answer.

1. *Practice Mental Math*: Being able to perform calculations quickly in your head can save time and reduce reliance on paper calculations.

1. *Stay Calm and Focused*: Develop techniques to manage stress, such as deep breathing or positive visualization. Staying calm will help you think more clearly during the exam.

1. *Review Your Answers*: If time permits, always go back and check your answers. Look for any careless mistakes or questions you might have skipped.

1. *Healthy Routine*: Maintain a balanced diet, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly leading up to the exam. Physical well-being significantly affects mental performance.

10. Mock Exams: Simulate exam conditions at home with full-length mock exams. This helps build stamina and gives you a feel for the real exam environment.

You really do not need expensive tutoring. I'd say parents who keep a close eye on the progress are more helpful than a tutor.

Agree with this. Bought 11+ test books from A H Smith and some users books via ebay. Did this with sort of practice with our son on the basis that all of the things bulleted by @PoppysPears are good skills to improve whatever school you go to.

Please don't do this!
Other parents could find out the truth via gossip; I have known this to happen, via the school secretary. Then she would hear it from other children.
Also, what if she demands that she wants to go to the school you 'feel isn't right for her'?
IMO, never lie to your children.

No one needs to explain or justify the legal education choices that they make for their own child and family.