How to break bad news - 11+

[GoodIsGoodEnough]

My DC hasn't scored high enough to get into grammar. It was always going to be a long shot with much less tutoring than their peers, but I am still sad for them.

Any advice on how to tell them the news would be appreciated.

Do I give them their real score which is about 30 marks off, or do I say their score was closer (say 10 marks off)?

I hate that at 10 they're going to not feel "good enough". I never wanted the 11+, they got wind of it and wanted to do it. I feel like I've let them down.

I didn't go to grammar and I've read all the stories of people going to comps and doing well, which I'm sure she will, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this immediate situation today.

Please tell the truth and look at the positives and examples of success you know of.

Being as far below the admissions score required does not leave any 'only if I'd worked a bit more' feelings that say a score of 213 not 183 would bring.

That’s a terrible idea. What if they break down in tears and beg to go, then spend the rest of their lives blaming the OP for stymying their academics c chances. Plus if they find out it won’t look like a harmless white lie — just a lie.

I had to break the news that DC would be very unlikely to get in with their mark (which was perfectly respectable and I see it would get them in elsewhere- 324). They took it well. My older child got in without tutors, we studied almost as hard- different exam though. I waited until after they'd heard from their teacher (the day after) received the results of his school year tests so that they knew that they weren't defined by one test and were a top student at their own school. Then I have been building the 'sorting hat' scenario up for weeks. They'll be fine but it is a blow when good friends and siblings go to grammar and they won't be. My sympathy to all of you in the same position.

Definitely don’t say they passed.

Tell them that they didn’t pass but they weren’t too far off.

Congratulate them for giving it a go and tell them how proud you are but these things happen.

Then talk to them about the other schools in the area and about visiting them etc

@GoodIsGoodEnough
Don't build all that adult emotion in to it - that's yours, not theirs. No bad news, not names of friends going to grammar without them etc.

Simply you got 183 so you'll be going to xx school.

My DD got a similar mark. We didn't tutor. I didn't want her to scrape in with tutoring. Her comp was the best thing for her as she was near the top of the class instead of the bottom. She flew, did all the activities you mention your DD did, got grammar standard GCSEs and is now applying to Cambridge.

I'd just tell the truth and talk about the fab things their other school will offer

I'd just reassure her that tests and exams are not at all a true reflection of how clever someone is, some of the smartest people failed exams. I hate tests like this for young kids, as it can be a confidence knock. Just make sure she knows it's absolutely nothing to do with her intelligence and how well she can go on and do at the comp.

Sorry, should have added-Tell her the truth and show what scores get someone in to that school and explain that she'd be pretty miserable there- the exams are for a reason. Psychologically (? Sp need coffee!) speaking for some kids isn't it better to be nearer the top of a class wherever that might be?

I would just sit down with my child and have a very gentle conversation explaining about how things are meant to go in a certain direction depending on outcomes. What she has avoided is the heavy emphasis on performing to the highest mark, a lot of pressure when it comes to getting into a select university and always have to be an A candidate when she may well be a B candidate. Find out what her strengths are, talk to her about what she would like to do and be in life and give her a few dreams to follow and then support her fully making her the centre of your interest so she know she has your full backing. Perhaps support it with stories of disappointment in your own life but where they turned out to be successes and, above all, tell her that success is not just academic. She may be a brilliant gymnast, or charity worker etc. Each to their own. Be her teacher and her guide so she knows she is loved and supported whatever. I would be totally honest and not molly coddle her as she needs to face reality which will only get tougher as she gets older. Give her the tool kit now so she knows how to react in future.

I think you were right in not "over tutoring".
So often parents seem to focus on "getting in" and not what will actually happen when DC is there without tutors. Many do not thrive.

I had a slightly different scenario-DC did pass but due to a change in catchments and a heavy birth year-despite being in catchment for 3 Grammars-DC did not get a place.
Initially devastated they came round and I can honestly say that State comp was the best thing that ever happened to DC.
Absolutely loved it and completely set them up for Uni/life.
Sometimes things happen for a reason.

Good luck

This is absolutely terrible advice!! Please don't lie to them. Just tell them the truth. 11+ is not the be all and end all, it's a specific type of test and doesn't view the whole person and their many unique talents.

Honestly I would tell the truth but then emphasise how academic success isn't a fixed thing. This is just one point in time, things can change. But then I'd also emphasise that academic success often has no bearing on real world success as an adult.

In my line of consultancy I've come across a grade students from private schools/grammars and Russel group unis who are stuck at entry level positions. Some of the really high flyers were not academic and have come through from former poli's or back door entry to their profession with btecs etc and are directors and amazing at work.

You're putting a lot of emotion into it yourself. Keep it factual. This is your score. Usually you need 200 to get in (or whatever it is). And then be guided by her reaction. You're at risk of making her think you're disappointed in her

I really wouldn’t do that. It could very well lead to a lot of resentment

That's terrible advice !

Be honest

Praise the effort he put into the exam

Acknowledge the disappointment and frustration to put in his best effort and not get the outcome he hoped for

Highlight that this shows the grammar school isn't suitable for him (not that he isn't good enough)

Find out about the comprehensive and encourage him to flourish there instead

Your child's approach to this may be largely guided by your approach. As we go through life, there are loads of times things don't turn out as we hoped. We need to teach our children the resilience to accept these setbacks and keep going

Don't beat yourself up about the tutoring. My friend has 2 sons. The older one passed easily and had a brilliant time at the grammar school. The younger one had intensive tutoring and scraped in. As a result he was in the bottom set for everything and really struggled with the workload. He had a miserable time. Much better to go to the comp and be in top sets than be always at the bottom in the grammar.

No, don’t do that! She’ll resent you for it and, if she finds out you lied, she’ll resent you more.

Do you have to mention marks? in the old days you were just told whether you’d passed or not. Does she have a reserve choice of school that has some advantages that you can really big up? Does she have friends going to the non-selective option that she’ll be happy to continue her education with?

Is it possible to keep her back to repeat the year so that she gets another bite of the cherry and can try the exam again? I don't know if something like that might be possible but if there is a school she really wants to go to, then maybe that might be the way to do it and she knuckles down for this year and gets her head in the books.

I don't recommend telling any white lies here. She got a score and it's currently not up to what the school says is their minimum entry requirements - she has done well but it's the school calling the shots here about the score they want in their school. There are other schools that she can go to but currently not that one.

Can she transfer into that particular school after a year perhaps? Might that be an option for you?

You don't need tutoring but it helps. To a point. Once you are in grammar school (both I and my son passed so we know what is on the other side) you find that some kids, likely the heavily tutored ones, will find that they struggle a lot because without tutoring they won't be able to stay in top of things. Unless a child is clearly going to thrive in a grammar school - many will - then it's not a good school choice. All the test tells you is whether they will thrive in a place which expects a certain performance. The 11+ is just the entry exam. If you cannot do the entry exam without lots of support and coaching it's likely not to be for you. If you should have passed and failed (had nerves or a bad day) it's worth considering that the next year would be the first of many years where the results will matter - because of the school type a grammar school is. There are some really unhappy children in grammar schools, because even though they passed the 11+ it's not the school for them. They will go from feeling them are bright to feeling they are fun - relative to their classmates.

I worked in universities teaching and supporting postgraduate level students for 20+ years. Many successful students did not pass 11+ exams and only later found that they wanted to study at a high intensive level in a topic they chose. The grammar school system will expect a lot from your child and there should be no embarrassment in not passing an entrance exam to a school type that is not a good choice for your child.

You will hear all sorts of stories today of near misses, parents determined to appeal, and of unexpected (undeserved) passes. This will happen throughout your child's school career, and later with job interviews, promotions, etc. Often not getting access to the thing you thought you wanted is not the end of things but an opportunity to do something else. If your child has any hero's perhaps find out what their educational route was. Unlikely to be grammar school - Unless a politician or academic.

Hope your child has a great education and life. I suggest not telling the score, just pass or fail. I would say, 'sorry you did not get in, but xxx school is going to be great'. It's good that your daughter was not studying for years and focused on getting in and then did not. Sounds like it's a good result for the amount of prep in her case and it's clear that lots of tutoring would not have helped her over the bar comfortably. You saved money there! You tested the rest and it's not for you.

Sometimes in life we are "not enough" it's part of life and good to know and learn from.

Depends how you frame it though and there's no need to lie.

I was never enough for anything maths related but my parents made me belive in myself and that I could do anything I put my mind to.

Ended up working as an credit controller by working my way up.

Don’t lie.
hopefully you haven’t trash talked the comprehensive schools, and made them
sound like less good options.

you can say to them that XYZ number people took their 11+ in you county and there are just ZYX number of places, and he didn’t get a place.

and then focus on the schools you are now considering.

Don't lie if you ever want her to trust you again!

Ds only decided quite last minute he wanted to do it so there was no time to arrange tutoring (and tbh I wouldn't have done as I really didn't want him going to the grammar). He passed but actually decided after having done it he preferred the comp anyway and did well there.

From what I remember the letter with results was addressed to him so I didn't know before he did (was a while ago mind!). Couple of his friends mentioned their scores at school and I remember ds not doing that which I was proud of him for (his was really quite high in comparison). One of his chums failed but his parents opted for private - the kid was actually happier about this, listing off all the trips and extra curricular stuff he'd get to do.

Just let her know her score and that you're proud of her for trying.

Tell the truth. This is one measurement about the ability of parents to pay for tutoring and kids to give up their lives to practice (mostly). It says nothing about her intelligence, her kindness, her curiosity about the world, her abilities in many other things. She is no less and she didn't fail because she didn't get it, she is just different. Different is good.
My step son passed the 11+ with no tutoring. The school didn't suit him and it almost broke him (sen). He then went onto a school where he thrived. I am glad I don't love in a grammar area. I have always struggled with exams (ADHD) but have a great job which I am good at, I think I am a good friend and I do charity work. School made me think because I was bad at exams I was no good at anything. It's taken until my 40's to understand it doesn't make me less.

There seems to be a lot of talk and passing or failing the 11+ on here.

It isn’t as blunt as that, you can’t pass or fail it. You just get a certain score and depending on how well everyone does in the test (and the distance from school) that determines if you get into the school or not.

So no-one fails - they just get a lower score. That might help with some perspective and to not feel like a child has failed at something. Just doing the test is an impressive achievement in itself.

I would tell her that she hasn't got into the grammar school but that it really doesn't matter - she gave it her best shot but will enjoy the very good comprehensive school where most of her friends are going. From what I understand, most grammar schools are highly competitive so I would also add that something on the lines of there only being one place for every ten girls applying for it, which means that for every girl who has been accepted, there will be nine others who are disappointed. I would emphasise how proud you are that she sat the exam and tried her best, but it wasn't to be on this occasion, but you know she is going to do well at her future school.