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Original poster

How to break bad news - 11+

319 replies

GoodIsGoodEnough · 18/10/2024 06:00

My DC hasn't scored high enough to get into grammar. It was always going to be a long shot with much less tutoring than their peers, but I am still sad for them.

Any advice on how to tell them the news would be appreciated.

Do I give them their real score which is about 30 marks off, or do I say their score was closer (say 10 marks off)?

I hate that at 10 they're going to not feel "good enough". I never wanted the 11+, they got wind of it and wanted to do it. I feel like I've let them down.

I didn't go to grammar and I've read all the stories of people going to comps and doing well, which I'm sure she will, but just looking for some advice on how to handle this immediate situation today.

OP posts:
Destiny123 · 18/10/2024 06:48

Don't lie. I didn't get in to a grammar at 11+ my mum just said I didn't get in, don't remember it bothering me despite only being a couple of marks off... spent most of my secondary education in an awful comp... still am a Dr (yes my 2y of grammar education 6th form was far far better teaching but it's not the end of the world, if you're committed it's easy to top up your knowledge

GoodGriefGordon · 18/10/2024 06:49

I’d give her the actual score. It’s more disappointing to miss by a little bit that it just clearly not being your thing.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 18/10/2024 06:49

Also you can emphasise that the 11+ exam tells you who is good at 11+ material, and nothing more. It doesn't show who's good at history, science, languages, music, art etc etc. It absolutely doesn't give any indication of who is a good person and a good friend.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11+ Exam General education
Boobygravy · 18/10/2024 06:49

GoodIsGoodEnough · 18/10/2024 06:22

No, I won't be telling them they passed but won't be going.

I feel guilty we didn't play the tutoring system well enough and trying to separate my guilt from the disappointment for her.

I just don't want her to feel any "less" because she is actually bloody amazing! One score does not tell her who she is. But if I can soften the blow in any way I will.

I mean this kindly but if their score is 30 marks off would tutoring have made much difference?
It maybe that your dc is young for their age in which case will probably come on in leaps and bounds as they get older.
Dd was like this, she’s an adult with a masters degree now and if I’m honest I never expected it. She just needed time to develop.

AtmosAtmos · 18/10/2024 06:50

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 18/10/2024 06:45

I would just say the truth - she worked hard and she did well, but other people did better on the day (it helped mine to understand that he'd done his bit, but that other people's scores were out of his hands).

You can also explain that a lot of people who passed will have had extensive tutoring and/or come from an independent prep school.

I wouldn’t doo the second part - she may wonder why she couldn’t have had more tutoring or go to prep school.

RedHelenB · 18/10/2024 06:52

wonderingwhatsnext · 18/10/2024 06:05

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

And when they beg OP to let them go ? I'd just tell them sorry you've not passed and start bigging up the school they will be going to.

ClytemnestraWasMisunderstood · 18/10/2024 06:52

wonderingwhatsnext · 18/10/2024 06:05

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

You would lie so blatently to your child? This is not a white lie! That is awful

Do you lie to your work colleagues aand other family members?

NewGreenDuck · 18/10/2024 06:53

You need to be truthful. I passed the 11plus, went to grammar school, most of my classmates went to the secondary modern. Then the school system changed and we became a comp. What was immediately apparent was that some kids at the secondary modern had matured, their intellect had ' caught up', they took O and A levels and went to university. This was in 1974 and far fewer went then. I went to university and again met others in the same boat, it became clear that the most important thing is to want to improve oneself. I would be truthful but impress that on them. Please don't lie.

foghead · 18/10/2024 06:54

What about "you did really well but unfortunately, your mark wasn't high enough to get one of the places"

KnickerlessFlannel · 18/10/2024 06:54

Dd is in y5 so just starting to work towards it and I'm worried about this too. I've talked about it being a test that assesses learning style etc, so it's not about how good you are but the test identifying which is the school where she is likely to learn most effectively.

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 18/10/2024 06:54

AtmosAtmos · 18/10/2024 06:50

I wouldn’t doo the second part - she may wonder why she couldn’t have had more tutoring or go to prep school.

Show quote history

By the age of 10, my kids absolutely understood why they weren't at a £££ prep school! My own son said many times that he was glad I wasn't making him do tutoring every week (we couldn't afford it anyway) but I see that it would have been different if they'd been asking for tutoring all year.

thesunisastar · 18/10/2024 06:54

wonderingwhatsnext · 18/10/2024 06:05

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

This is probably the worst advice I have ever read on here.

ObieJoyful · 18/10/2024 06:55

GoodIsGoodEnough · 18/10/2024 06:22

No, I won't be telling them they passed but won't be going.

I feel guilty we didn't play the tutoring system well enough and trying to separate my guilt from the disappointment for her.

I just don't want her to feel any "less" because she is actually bloody amazing! One score does not tell her who she is. But if I can soften the blow in any way I will.

Don’t feel guilty about the tutoring. If a child needs to be heavily tutored to pass, the chances are that they’ll feel very pressured once they start there. School shouldn’t make a child unhappy.

leopardski · 18/10/2024 06:55

OP I didn’t get in. This is going back to 1996 🤪 I was very bright in primary and my teachers encouraged my Mum to go for it. But I didn’t pass. I have only vague memories of it now but of not being bothered, I had no idea what I was missing and was secretly pleased I’d still move on to high school with the friends I already knew.

I’ve turned out alright 🤣 remained bright in high school sat some additional exams. Wasn’t absolutely wowing anyone but did well. Loved my highschool experience, still friends with a few people now at almost 40.

If she is upset in anyway, focus only on the positives (you know she did her best and that’s all you can ask, she’ll be moving on to a great school with her friends, you’re proud of her for giving it a shot etc).

Saywhatuc · 18/10/2024 06:55

wonderingwhatsnext · 18/10/2024 06:05

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

Absolutely do not do this! It could lead to misplaced resentment in the future!

BendingSpoons · 18/10/2024 06:56

Children are different. My DD would 100% want to know her score and I wouldn't want to lie to her. Telling her she was close etc wouldn't satisfy her. For my DD I would say 'You got 183, I think that's an amazing score because you did it all by yourself without hours of practise. It's like your gymnastics/piano, the more you practise the higher you get, and we didn't focus on it as much as others. It meant you had much more time this year for your gymnastics and chilling out at home. I know you might feel a bit disappointed if you don't go to school with X and Y, but I know School A is really popular and has great clubs so I think you'll really like it'.

CarmelaBrunella · 18/10/2024 06:56

wonderingwhatsnext · 18/10/2024 06:05

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

It's not harmless. Please don't do this.

CarmelaBrunella · 18/10/2024 06:57

foghead · 18/10/2024 06:54

What about "you did really well but unfortunately, your mark wasn't high enough to get one of the places"

Yes, this is a good approach. It's very straightforward. She must have known that it was a pass or fail situation?.

DibbleDooDah · 18/10/2024 07:04

Don’t dwell on the tutoring thing. Sounds like you did the exact right amount. Our local grammar has lots of kids tutored to within an inch of their lives to get in, scrape a pass and then really struggle whilst there. Invariably parents then have to continue to tutor just so they can keep up.

Remind yourself that the process is supposedly to test “suitability for grammar”. The result only confirms that the other school is a better fit / match for her. It’s a process to determine where they belong and where they will do best. I honestly think kids do better if they are towards the top of their cohort academically than scraping along at the bottom of a selective school.

As for the “failure” aspect, coming second doesn’t make you rubbish. Sure, Olympic silver medalists might run “what if” scenarios through their heads, but ultimately they have achieved to the best of their abilities at that one moment in time.

Honesty is definitely the best policy!!!

Original poster
GoodIsGoodEnough · 18/10/2024 07:06

BendingSpoons · 18/10/2024 06:56

Children are different. My DD would 100% want to know her score and I wouldn't want to lie to her. Telling her she was close etc wouldn't satisfy her. For my DD I would say 'You got 183, I think that's an amazing score because you did it all by yourself without hours of practise. It's like your gymnastics/piano, the more you practise the higher you get, and we didn't focus on it as much as others. It meant you had much more time this year for your gymnastics and chilling out at home. I know you might feel a bit disappointed if you don't go to school with X and Y, but I know School A is really popular and has great clubs so I think you'll really like it'.

Edited

This is perfect, thank you.

OP posts:
Edingril · 18/10/2024 07:07

If you knew they were going to be upset maybe they should not have done it in the first place?

If you can't be honest why would you put them in that position, or are you bothered more than them?

HappyTwo · 18/10/2024 07:07

wonderingwhatsnext · 18/10/2024 06:05

Tell them they passed but for x, y or z reason you've decided it's not the right school for them. It's a harmless white lie.

Sorry terrible idea they will resent you

Chaseandstatus · 18/10/2024 07:08

Are you in Warwickshire? The kids all tell each other their scores (real or fictional!) and spend the rest of Y6 parroting things their disappointed parents have said to be supportive, but in that naive 10 year old way that ends up as “the grammar school is terrible anyway”.

OP you sound very thoughtful and I am sure your child will get through the disappointment with your guidance. They really will do well in any school and you have not let them down I promise x

Original poster
GoodIsGoodEnough · 18/10/2024 07:08

She does know it's pass or fail and that also a lot more people took the exam this year.

In the run up I have tried to balance being hopeful with being realistic about it all. Shes been on board with this, but still hopeful.

She may well surprise me and be totally fine!

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 18/10/2024 07:10

Don't lie to your child. The truth always comes out and they will wonder what else you've ever lied to them about.

My kids are adults but recently have had some terrible family news. They know from our conversation that I've never lied to them and always answer their questions.

Iirc they get the results from school anyway.