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Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

234 replies

PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 16:46

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

OP posts:
ByTealShaker · 16/10/2024 16:49

You should not have been talked to like that by a shop assistant at all - it doesn’t matter whether you’re ND or have anxiety, it wasn’t ok. If I were you, I would complain, or leave a terrible review online. I know it’s a charity shop and the shop assistant may well have been a volunteer, but still, basic customer service isn’t hard. If anything, he should have offered to help you.

Flustration · 16/10/2024 16:50

He had poor customer service skills. You made an honest mistake.

Can I suggest building a 'confident customer' type persona in your mind that you can call on in future situations? I have a few very confident and assertive friends who always get these things just right and if I'm feeling flustered or unsure I try to channel them!

Changingplace · 16/10/2024 16:53

I think he should’ve asked if you needed any help when he could see you trying to do something, he’d obviously clocked what you were doing but decided to leave you struggling.

To help you speak up in these kind of situations I often pre plan in my mind what I’m going to say, could that help another time?

Bloom15 · 16/10/2024 16:55

Changingplace · 16/10/2024 16:53

I think he should’ve asked if you needed any help when he could see you trying to do something, he’d obviously clocked what you were doing but decided to leave you struggling.

To help you speak up in these kind of situations I often pre plan in my mind what I’m going to say, could that help another time?

Edited

But he went over to OP and she didn't say anything. He isn't to know she has anxiety/is ND.

Having worked in shops in the past I feel his frustration although am sorry the OP felt like that of course

Ohfuckrucksack · 16/10/2024 16:58

If your DH was there and you struggle with this why didn't he help you sooner?

PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 16:59

Flustration · 16/10/2024 16:50

He had poor customer service skills. You made an honest mistake.

Can I suggest building a 'confident customer' type persona in your mind that you can call on in future situations? I have a few very confident and assertive friends who always get these things just right and if I'm feeling flustered or unsure I try to channel them!

Edited

That's something I was told to do in CBT therapy, role play things at home like asking for things off shelves or asking if an item is in stock.

It's like I want to say something but nothing comes out, them I feel like I'm just stood there and must look very weird to people.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 16/10/2024 16:59

It was probably a bit annoying for him if he’d spent a while arranging it, but in his role he needs to try to keep that under wraps a bit better.

He could have said the first time “ Can I help? It’s all quite delicately arranged so I’d prefer to get it for you if you don’t mind.”

He sounds foul tempered. These encounters can be upsetting op, and I quite understand your distress .

PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 17:01

Ohfuckrucksack · 16/10/2024 16:58

If your DH was there and you struggle with this why didn't he help you sooner?

Because I'm going through therapy and part of it is trying to do more things myself rather than let him.

And there was a split second between the coat falling and the man shouting, I don't see what DH could have done differently?

OP posts:
PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 17:03

Calliopespa · 16/10/2024 16:59

It was probably a bit annoying for him if he’d spent a while arranging it, but in his role he needs to try to keep that under wraps a bit better.

He could have said the first time “ Can I help? It’s all quite delicately arranged so I’d prefer to get it for you if you don’t mind.”

He sounds foul tempered. These encounters can be upsetting op, and I quite understand your distress .

I completely understand it might be annoying for him and I honestly didn't see the sign, if I did I wouldn't have touched it passed looking at the nape for a label.

He definitely saw me trying to see the size but I thought he must be busy so I'll try to find it myself.

OP posts:
StillAtTheRestaurant · 16/10/2024 17:04

It's common knowledge that you don't touch items in charity shop window displays so I'm not surprised he was annoyed. Next time just ask.

BobbyBiscuits · 16/10/2024 17:10

He sounds quite rude. I think the protocol around wanting to look at something in the window is to ask a staff member. But he was right in front of you and could see you trying to look in the coat. He should have warmly said, 'oh, would you like to try this on, or have a look? Let me get it for you.'

If it put you off buying the garment then you'd be reasonable to make a complaint. The last thing the charity wants is abrupt rude staff that reduce their sales with off-putting manners.

PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 17:10

StillAtTheRestaurant · 16/10/2024 17:04

It's common knowledge that you don't touch items in charity shop window displays so I'm not surprised he was annoyed. Next time just ask.

Well I didn't know, I don't go in them often and 'next time just ask' doesn't really work when you're autistic and trying to face social anxiety.
I was trying but just went about it wrong.

OP posts:
XelaM · 16/10/2024 17:11

Who touches things in the window display?! That's such an odd thing to do instead of asking for the size

greenpasturesandcloverfields · 16/10/2024 17:11

That shop "assistant" a- hem..... should not have spoken to you that way, what he should have done is come and asked you, ( not stared out the window) if you needed assistance, whereby you would answer, yes, I'd like to see the label for the size etc...
Yes, he would be annoyed at having to reset the window dressing, but he was at fault for not asking you , the customer, if he could assist you, ah...that's why they are known as "assistants".

Vanfan · 16/10/2024 17:11

The shop guy was at fault here. He was not a very helpful assistant . At the very least he should have offered some sort of help to you as you were obviously interested in the coat. I hate touching these mannequins as they fall apart at the slightest movement. He would know this and some proactivity from him would have prevented extra work later .
Try to let it go. You are finding your feet in doing things for yourself . This was a lesson in how things can go wrong. Next time you will perhaps go and ask at the desk first maybe?

PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 17:14

Vanfan · 16/10/2024 17:11

The shop guy was at fault here. He was not a very helpful assistant . At the very least he should have offered some sort of help to you as you were obviously interested in the coat. I hate touching these mannequins as they fall apart at the slightest movement. He would know this and some proactivity from him would have prevented extra work later .
Try to let it go. You are finding your feet in doing things for yourself . This was a lesson in how things can go wrong. Next time you will perhaps go and ask at the desk first maybe?

Yes I probably should have gone to the desk but I felt like I was being helpful by just looking myself :(
If I was a larger size and too big for FF I would have felt stupid saying i didnt want it agter him helping.

I've actually bought a £60 dress that didn't fit before because of my anxiety 🤣😭

OP posts:
lololulu · 16/10/2024 17:16

I'm autistic. I hate shopping.

If the coat was in a charity shop what are the odds it would fit your daughter? I'd try to buy her one similar online. I'd rather pay more money than be put in that situation. If I had no money I'd wait.

If the coat was your daughter's size how were you going to get the coat? Would you have asked?

frozendaisy · 16/10/2024 17:17

OP this is just human interaction.

You were looking at a coat in the window display, didn't ask for help, didn't say a word to anyone. No one knows what you are internally processing.

Just like you have decided the camp fay man was striding, not joking and treating you like a small child.

There's just too much assumption here.

No one will remember this, you knocked a jacket off a window display that you should have asked "hi do you know what size that jacket is please?" Which you then purchased. Right now there is another jacket on that mannequin and the charity shop has made a sale.

People are abrupt all the time, other people are like startled bunnies in headlights. It's just life.

Try and not dwell on it.

You have the coat hope your daughter likes it.

lololulu · 16/10/2024 17:18

That's a genuine question. It sounds like I'm being rude.

Tickledtrout · 16/10/2024 17:18

Is it possible he too is ND or lacked social skills? People who volunteer in charity shops are often trying to develop skills in this area. Maybe it was just an unfortunate coming together of 2 people who were out of their comfort zones. Just put it down to experience.

Mogw · 16/10/2024 17:19

I’m autistic too and stuff like this absolutely guts me, he was rude but it’s also oversensitive but it can’t be helped! Just try and take your mind off it, I still cry weeks later over stuff like this and I’ve just found it best to get immersed in a movie or game or similar and try and put it out my mind as best I can.

PumpkinSoul · 16/10/2024 17:19

lololulu · 16/10/2024 17:16

I'm autistic. I hate shopping.

If the coat was in a charity shop what are the odds it would fit your daughter? I'd try to buy her one similar online. I'd rather pay more money than be put in that situation. If I had no money I'd wait.

If the coat was your daughter's size how were you going to get the coat? Would you have asked?

It's stressful isn't it.

It was her size, we bought it and it fits her perfectly!
By that time it was in my hands as it slipped off fully and passed it to my husband who paid for it because I had to leave because I started to cry.

Embarrassing.

OP posts:
lololulu · 16/10/2024 17:19

@frozendaisy

This is just human interaction

  • which is what us Autistics aren't fans off!!
lololulu · 16/10/2024 17:20

@PumpkinSoul

See my husband would have left me which would make me worse.

He says he does it to help me but he doesn't.

Wishboneswishes · 16/10/2024 17:20

He was gay? What’s that got to do with anything or being camp? 🙄
OP you almost trashed their window display I think he was allowed to be a bit short with you,

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