Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.
I do wonder whether charity shop volunteers get way too little training. I’ve seen quite a few now who have very poor customer service and communication skills, and some were really quite off-putting.

You poor thing, I really feel for you. I am sensitive and overthink and I can see why this would play on your mind. It sounds like he was unnecessarily rude and this has upset you.
So from an outside perspective he was just a rude guy, you are not at fault at all.
Please don't let this knock your confidence, keep trying with shops. Good luck x

Aww, I sympathise, OP. I too have a mild horror of ‘getting it wrong’ in public. When the upset has worn off, maybe reflect on the upside - you politely challenged him on going a bit far in how he was talking to you in a way that sounded like you stood up for yourself without being unpleasant/ aggressive.

Also, it honestly is the kind of thing that will seem a bit funny one day.

It was a charity shop. The shop assistant was probably an unpaid volunteer.

Give him a break. The OP went charging into his window display.

And so what if he 'sounded' gay?

I get fed up of charity shops putting things in window displays with no way of seeing the price or size. The "if you have to ask the price, you can't afford it" principle shouldn't apply in charity shops.

A lot of the intensely anxious feelings you are describing, OP are very common in both ND and so-called neurotypical people. I would have been intensely distressed by the situation you describe.
I don't think you need to label yourself in order to communicate your distress or ask for respect and sympathy. That sort of labelling language is becoming so common on MN that it is starting to feel like no one is confident asking for compassion unless they can cite a condition.

Is that the world we really want to live in? -- one in which kindness isn't extended as a matter of universal compassion but has to be earned by securing a diagnosis?

He needs to grow up. Not always the most professional staff in those shops. He shouldn't talk down to customers like that no matter what the situation.

I was about to post exactly this!

the story ends well. you really can avoid that awkward bit if you can push yourself to "excuse me-what size is this coat"(dh coulda asked) i hate being like this-i just have to secretly constantly remind myself "nobody really cares if your awkward"
I was in the charity shop and on a slightly higher than i could reach (tiptoes required)was box marked "adult knitting patterns" i curiously pulled it down thinking id found some sorta niche kink id never heard off....then did the big loud HA when discovered was as dull as actual adult size fairisles...
charity shops are used to weirdos.

I know you were trying to do it yourself, which is commendable. But there are other ways of communicating. Your husband could have helped you by saying 'my wife is interested in that coat, can she have a look at it' then the shop assistant would have caught on a lot quicker that you were trying to check the size and he would have got it down. But you ended up buying it anyway and your daughter is happy - alls well that ends well.

... but I thought he must be busy so I'll try to find it myself.
... but I felt like I was being helpful by just looking myself :(
... I would have felt stupid saying i didnt want it agter him helping.

I realised one thing thanks to you.

The path of the least resistance isn't the most optimised one, but the most common and standard one.

The awkward moments happen significantly more often when people leave the standard path and start doing something in an unexpected way. In your case, you wanted to be extra helpful and respectful to him, but it didn't work that way.

Don't try to be extra helpful. Instead, try to solve the interaction with the most standard building blocks available. Utilise the official roles, take care of your side and let him deal with his side of the interaction. You are customer, so part of your role says it is ok to ask for information (even if you were potentially able to get them yourself). His job is to support your buying decision and provide the information. If he is busy, let him solve that - he can ask colleague, decide what to do first, tell you he will be back in a second.

His customer service wasn’t great, but YABVU for assuming his sexuality or anything related to it.

Regardless of whether it's a charity shop window display or a window display in any other shop, it basically IS common knowledge to not disrupt the displays!

Just because it's a charity shop, why should people be allowed to just pull ithe display apart?
They shouldn't!

I can see why the assistant might've been annoyed to watch someone just pulling at garments on the mannequins, and subsequently ruining the display, whilst being watched by two other adults.

In trying to be helpful you made a minor mistake. Minor OP. You won’t be the first or last to do this.
Don’t be flustered or embarrassed. Forget him and enjoy your evening.

I don't blame you OP, if you're autistic then things that seem obvious to us who aren't, don't seem clear cut to you, or maybe even enter your head.

Your husband however COULD have stepped up. There's letting you do more for yourself and There's just standing there and letting you do something he KNOWS isn't correct etiquette.

I say this as a mum of an autistic boy. I've always encouraged him to be independent and do things for himself, however I know he sees the world differently and can process things differently. Giving gentle guidance to make someone aware, that perhaps there is a more appropriate way to deal with something, is perfectly fine, ND or NT.

I do this, quietly to prevent any embarrassment and anxiety he may get as a result of what he's doing, but then also give the rationale behind it later. When everyone is living in a world you're orienteering in a different way, it would be kind for your husband to speak up, not to others, but quietly to you, otherwise how will you know what the usual etiquette is for something, without incidents like this happening?

I totally get it. A lifetime of seemingly minor incidents that I can endlessly plague myself with, play them back, feel stupid all over again. I know you will know how to role play and to mask and in a quiet moment can figure out what you should have said and done, and then if you're like me, you'll rationalise it as something the other person will have totally forgotten within a minute. I just want you to know that there are people who understand what you mean and sympathise.

maybe he thought she was planning on stealing something from the window display.

He walked over as a "I'm watching you " and as the OP said nothing to him at that point, he walked away.

op you sound homophobic. how do you know he was gay? why are u assuming his sexuality? really weird and bigoted of you.

Something very similar happened to me recently. There was a bag in a shop window my son had seen so we were both looking into the window area from inside the shop and the woman decided to shout ‘do not go in the window!!!!’ We hadn’t set foot in the window, simply looking. I said there was absolutely no reason to shout at us as we were only looking and suggested next time perhaps it would be nicer to ask the customer if they needed any help. I was so annoyed to be told off by a complete stranger like that, so rude. In answer to your question, you are not wrong, he should have been more helpful. Don’t feel stupid.

It seems you overthought what you had to say, as if it was supposed to be something very specific and nuanced, which is understandable if you're ND. It's fine to just literally express what you need in these scenarios, e.g. "What is the size of this coat?"

OP are you in a town beginning with B by any chance? Only because I walked into a charity shop the other day and the door stayed wedged open behind me as I walked in (didn’t realise) The very camp man who worked there shouted ‘WERE YOU BORN IN A BARN?!’ 😂😂

In a past life I've run volunteers for a charity. They're a mixed bunch skill wise. I expect he was tetchy over a customer messing around with a window display. Some customers are a bloody nuisance in charity shops. Behaving in a way they wouldn't in a normal retail shop.

I'm sorry you were upset by this.

"I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude"

If you have the insight to know you'd be (rightly) called up on making this comment, why did you make it? You know it's offensive, so why do it?

With regard to the coat, I get wanting to get independence. DH wouldn't intervene unless I asked him to. But in this scenario he would have pulled the shop assistant up on his attitude, that's not related to my independence, it's related to someone being a dick to me. If he had to pay for the coat and could see you were upset, why didn't he say something? Sales assistants (whether volunteers or paid) in our local three charity shops, all the assistants have disabilities/conditions related to the charity itself. Whether that's the case or not, if your DH had spoken up it could have been useful for the assistant and you may feel you have more "closure" and at least DH had your back, you came home with the coat, DD is happy - a successful day with an incident that was addressed.

Maybe your DH should support you more (and you should stop posting inflammatory homophobic comments when you know you're in the wrong when you're doing it!)

Crikey if it’s common knowledge to know not to touch stuff in charity shop windows then I’ve missed the memo.

Don’t dwell on it OP. He sounds like an arse for speaking the way he did tbh.