Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

I volunteered in a charity shop for years, he should have asked if there was anything he could have helped her with. Especially as he could see her struggling with the mannequin and he’s clearly so aware of the rules. It’s basic customer service skills to offer help where you’re able and to raise your voice at someone and chastise them like a child is a serious no that we would have had a serious bollocking for - rightly so too. I’d complain, volunteer or not is absolutely no excuse at all when you’re dealing with members of the public. Exceptionally poor from the assistant. You’re pretty sure he didn’t shout are you? Are we to assume you were there or do you just possess telepathy skills that none of the rest of us do? 🙄🙄

You expect a perfectly considered, thoughtful response from him. But your own behaviour wasn't perfectly considered or thoughtful.

I do have sympathy but you can't expect perfect behaviour from everyone else when you don't display it yourself.

Yes, he was rude, but (other) customers are often real dicks, and staff do get fed up of it. Maybe he'd already had that happen a few times that week.

Lots of people working in charity shops are neurodivergent or have other issues, so cut the guy some slack and try not to take it personally x

Seriously, what is the reason for these "very camp" comments? What's the thought process behind this, I genuinely,y don't get it.

How many times have you climbed into window displays?

It's not just common knowledge to not touch displays in shop windows (and yes that includes charity shop windows, as they are also retailers) it's actually common sense not to touch displays items.

Hi OP, I get you. I’m autistic and it can be stressful wondering what you ‘should’ be doing in a situation, and then you overthink it and get it wrong. I too absolutely hate it when people are aggressive to me, really upsets me (I once spent much of a ten hour flight from the States in tears as a woman was very rude to me about getting something out of an overhead locker! I didn’t even touch her, just got something out of my bag!). Ok, you shouldn’t have been reaching into the window display, but it does sound like the guy was pretty snippy about it. On the plus side, you know now, and won’t do it again! The only way to improve these interactions is to do more of them, as I’m sure you know. I’ve had shedloads of therapy and am a lot better than I was, plus putting yourself out there, as you’re doing, will make it easier to deal with in future. Try to reframe it that he was probably having a bad day and stressed, yes he was annoyed but you haven’t done anything awful and he won’t even remember it in a day’s time. Try and be kind to yourself - and focus on onwards and upwards!

Do you live under a rock?

I am not excusing him but I could totally hear my camp gay male friend trilling ‘And this is why we can’t have nice things’ in the tone that I imagine the shop assistant used for ‘And this is why we don’t go in the window’. My friend would be making light of something. I’ve no idea whether the shop assistant meant to be nasty.

Also, OP, you’ve said you’re stupid/feel stupid a few times. You definitely are not stupid - you write clearly and your spelling and grammar put other threads to shame.

Finally - look at your achievements. You were really uncomfortable but you got through it and your DD has a perfect new coat. You made that happen. Well done. (I have cried in the car after horrible experiences in shops and work so I know how it feels, but YOU DID IT!)

To be fair, they shouldn't need signs telling people not to touch the window displays.

If you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help, you should've got your husband to ask.

😂 Normal behaviour..

Yeah, she DID it! Break the display that is.

I agree with this. People should be offered kindness no matter what, in spite of their conditions or not. I also agree that labels aren't always helpful and often people can define themselves by them - to some extent live their lives as though they aren't anything but being autistic/having another disability/health condition etc.

I'm in agreement that the shop assistant shouldn't have been so abrupt, or unhelpful. But equally you should be aware of the common knowledge about not touching shop displays etc, and using your family or friends to help you overcome your anxiety. Let them be able to get you what you need if necessary, but give yourself a chance to learn how to deal with things too. ND or not, you can have a good life and be confident.

Wow you’re a piece of work, does kicking people when they’re down give you a thrill or something?

To answer the actual question you posed, yes you were over sensitive. Don’t meddle with window displays.

He could have been a lot more proactive in helping you and I’d imagine him being loud and making a snarky comment made you feel like you were in a spotlight and that made you feel even more uncomfortable and embarrassed.

I do agree that you shouldn’t touch stuff that’s in the window display in any shop. It’s always better to ask the assistant to help because windows have often been carefully staged, you could knock things over and if something is going to fall and break it’s much better if it’s a staff member that breaks it.

On the plus side, reading that stupid reply made me burst out laughing and tell my phone it was an utter twat, so 👍

It's the sort of cock up I would make if the sign wasn't obvious. He was throwing his weight about unnecessarily.

I also do that! I had a teacher years ago who was so quietly unassailably assertive, I "act" her when I get flustered in situations like this.

He was needlessly horrible OP, try to put it behind you

And neither were you there! But you're encouraging the OP to complain over something that basically wasn't the assistant's fault. He might've been busy helping others before noticing the OP in the window pulling at the coat.

He was likely annoyed that she was helping herself without just waiting for the assistant to at least ask if she wanted help.

Your behaviour was totally unacceptable from the assistant's point of view, only exacerbated by the fact that there were two adults with you, just standing and watching.

I would have given you short shift too (although not gay, so you may have found that less offensive).

He was on a power trip. He could see what you were doing and didn't once offer assistance but was quick to tell you off. Nasty little man. Don't let him cloud your thoughts a moment longer.

Once. It was a charity shop too and I spotted a must-have bag and wanted to check it out.

How rude.

You should have said WELL you walked past here and saw what I was doing you could have said do you need any help?

Ignore ignore ignore not worth space in your head.

this.
I'm probably going to get flamed, but in my experience with many autistic people, they say they don't process things the same way as other people/can't always express themselves perfectly and expect others to make allowances/accomodations for this if possible (which is perfectly reasonable) but never do the same the other way.

There's this black and white thinking that if you're NT then that means you don't struggle with communication in the slightest, all your interactions with people are completely perfect and go exactly the way you wanted them to with no miscommunications, which is completely wrong. EVERYONE expresses themselves badly or misunderstands someone else, all the time. It's completely normal to look back on a conversation and think 'Oh that came out completely wrong,' or 'I didn't mean it like that,' or to think it was completely obvious you were making a joke/being sarcastic and be surprised the other person didn't get it, or vice versa.

When you have any two people interacting, one or both might be autistic or might have anxiety or be nervous or distracted or English might not be their first language or they might be in a bad mood or just generally a bit awkward or have poor communication skills or use slang with different interpretations - or none of these but they just misunderstand one another somehow. It's very likely that shop assistant did think he was being jokey and a different person would have bounced off him and laughed - the fact you didn't doesn't mean the way he spoke to you was necessarily wrong.

Perhaps he could have worded things a bit better but you can't expect him to know the exact way you wanted him to engage with you, just as you probably didn't engage with him the ideal way he would have wanted you to (by just saying "excuse me what's the size on this?").

Neither of you were wrong. You aren't being 'oversensitive' necessarily but if you can get past this it would be helpful because the only person it's harming by going over and over it again in your head is you (I know easier said than done). Writing a complaint or bad review as someone upthread has suggested would be completely disproportionate and ridiculous.