Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

I’d be more shocked about the shop assistant having sex with another man in
the shop! Or are you just stereotyping and judging?

Do you mean to be so insulting ? OP has already explained that she is ND and has anxiety, and doesn’t process things well. Maybe she shouldn’t have touched the display but she was focused on getting the coat for her DD and if he could see she was having difficulty he should have offered help, not embarassed her in front of a shop full of people.

Yes. How did you guess? You must be very clever.

Why would I. I find it interesting that OP expects understanding for her disability, but does not show the same for others. Quite the opposite.

but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

Really?

And maybe he was also autistic, there are people of all kinds in charity shops. She assumed he wasn’t, but he might just as well as been, just like OP.

And if OP doesn’t understand that you do not meddle with displays in shops, maybe her dh should have stopped her.

The price was there though.

I’ve picked up a thing or two, yes.

Maybe he was ND.

I guess if you're autistic then social interactions aren't always going to go smoothly (after all they don't for NT people either). On the plus side you did lots of things that you find difficult - you went into the shop, you talked to the assistant (even if he wasn't being nice) and you came out with the coat. So that's a win. And next time it'll be easier. Onwards and upwards.

It sounds like you challenged him back though, which is good.

I’ve wondered before though with those window displays, there would no need for reaching in and trying to see or finding someone to ask, if they made the size and price visible

Pretty piss poor that your DH stood there, didn’t do a thing to help or speak up for you. Shop guy has shitty CS skills too.

Remember that he may have been a volunteer rather than a trained and experienced shop assistant. In my experience, some volunteers can themselves lack the social skills to make customers feel comfortable and looked after. Try to think of it as an awkward learning experience for both sides.

It was visible.

If the bloke had asked her immediately if she wanted help, some customers would accuse him of 'leaping' on them, and not giving them a chance to browse.

He obviously waited for the OP or the two men with her, to ask him if they needed help.

The OP couldn't bring herself to say 'Excuse me, what size is this please?' But thankfully she managed to say "there's no need to speak to me like that".

Which is more than many MNetters who 'don't like confrontation' could bring themselves to say.

Absolutely no idea why the OP thought it relevant that he was 'gay' or 'camp'. To be honest, that leaves a bit of a nasty taste that she even thought to mention it.

Lots of people who volunteer in charity shops have challenges of their own. He could have been ND or had mental health challenges. They often don't get any training either. You could have just asked for help.

Correct, I wasn’t there but I also wasn’t trying to undermine the OPs turn of events by saying I doubt it didn’t happen in the way that she said it. Extremely bizarre. I am encouraging her to complain as someone who is both adequately trained and qualified in customer service for his dreadful lack of customer service skills and bad manners. There is no excuse for this sort of behaviour to a member of the public. I have even been threatened by customers and had them throw things at me. Working in retail can be gruelling and thankless but I still never resorted to shouting at people because it’s unprofessional and could aggravate situations and cause them to escalate further. That’s not because I’m a saint by the way, it’s just because I have a lack of understanding that not everyone who makes a mistake is a monster and people sometimes don’t see signs or have can have hidden additional needs or struggles.

If he were busy with other customers, how was she to ask for help? Can’t have it both ways. I can’t be 100% confident without looking back at the OP I'm pretty sure she said he watched her over by the window and the mannequin. He could quite easily have said something a long the lines of “Excuse me Madam, for health and safety reasons we ask that customers do not touch the display mannequins, I will be more than happy to assist you once I’ve finished here if you need help”. Hardly rocket science is it. You don’t ever embarrass or dress down a customer for any reason, certainly not for an honest mistake. It’s no good having signs on the floor when people generally tend to stand much higher than floor level. I stick by my original statement that she should complain about his attitude, he needs retraining.

How could you expect the OP to respond like that, if she was unable to ask for help in the first place, which should have been more pleasant for her, then what transpired?

CBA even defending myself against this when 11 out of the 12 people I've ever slept with my whole life have been women 🤣

You sound a bit sensitive. It is a pity your husband didn't step in and help out.

I think if you have social anxiety, the lesser of the two scenarios is to ask a simple question (or to be efficient and ask your DH to ask) rather than doing a full Miranda act and pulling at things in a shop window so they go down like dominos.

And yes, you were told off, but so what? You wrecked his window, he responded. I think it’s a fair cop and actually, instead of crying, maybe look at it from his point of view and say “oh God sorry mate, I was only looking for the price… what a clumsy idiot. Here, let me help you put it back…’ Most people would acknowledge and apologise when they’ve done something like that. It’s no big deal but because your mindset is entirely focussed on yourself and your issues, it seems a bigger, more personal thing. It most likely isn’t. He was probably just irritated because you’ve caused him a job. It’s not about you or your ND.

Controversial opinion, but I actually think we should be used to getting told off more! Society as a whole could do with a bit more schoolteachery admonishments for piss taking and community spirit rule breaking. (Not saying you were doing that op - just an adjacent viewpoint!)

@EveryDayIsHumpDay

Seriously, what is the reason for these "very camp" comments? What's the thought process behind this, I genuinely,y don't get it.

I said he was very camp as the op said he was very camp and worked in a charity shop! Stop being so permanently offended anyway, I couldn’t give a shit if his gay/camp you’re the one making it out to be a bad thing by taking offence to it! I’m sure plenty of gay people would take it as a compliment. To me camp means extravagant and confident.

Well perhaps you should defend it?

Because you've come across as very homophobic and your personal sexual history, doesn't change that?

This happened to me once in a charity shop. I wrote to the manager to complain and it turned out that he was the manager!! 😁It so happened that the charity shop used to be a wine shop and he'd been the manager of that and kept on. He was always shouting at children.

I encountered him again years later in a different wine shop that my friend worked in. Everyone hated him and he was sacked in the end I think. He was also very camp, loud and a complete snob. You're not from Cambridge are you?

He sounds rude. Bear in mind he wouldn’t know in advance how hard the situation is for you… I would like to point out to you that he also found it hard - you can tell because the way he spoke was not calm or well thought through so he was obviously stressed out by the interaction aswell as you.. I wouldn’t assume the world is easy for everyone else - I think many people suffer in social interactions. I also think it’s relevant there is a sign - did you not see it?? You are anxious because you don’t know what social rules to follow - yet there was a sign written to tell you what to do. He shouldn’t have spoken to any customers like that though, he could have been more polite. x

I find that charity shop workers are often like this. I think that some of them have learning disabilities and I have been scolded by them or spoken to rudely a few times when I have been in a charity shop. It’s fair enough if it upset you, I can understand why but bear in mind that they often have problems communicating.