Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

As someone without ND and / or anxiety disorder, this sounds like a non-event.

Are you saying the shopper worked should have recognised your ND and anxiety disorder and tailored their approach accordingly / to you specifically?

I wouldn't dwell on it. You should have seen the sign and not reached in and knocked stuff over. But everyone can miss a sign, think it's helpful to try not to need to ask for help, etc AND the fact you are ND, and didn't feel as confident asking for help is understandable.

He shouldn't have been rude, should have worked out you were flustered, didn't see the sign, and weren't trying to cause chaos. But let's face it, it's a charity shop so there's a huge likelihood he was a volunteer with an hour or two's training, not a full trained retail worker. You both messed up. No-one's fault, no-one was hurt, nothing was damaged. Move on.

Thankyou for all the perspective.

I do absolutely realise I was in the wrong for trying to check the size myself but I also feel his reaction was completely out of proportion and condescending.

He may have been having a bad day.

We got the coat, FD is happy so yes, I need to not dwell.

I think I just needed to get it out of my system and tell someone about it.

I also had a bit of a reaction to the WAY he talked to me because of childhood stuff so it was just an unfortunate interaction

I'll try and plan what I need to do next time further than step one (as all I was thinking about was the size, not the next steps agter that)

I think the answer is that to most NT people or people without anxiety disorders, yes you were being ‘oversensitive’. However as someone who is autistic with anxiety disorders like yourself, I totally get what you’re experiencing.

What I do in these situations is replay it back in terms of: could I have done something differently? If no, be kind to myself and try to move on. If yes, what? And try to treat it like a learning moment.

Are you on any anxiety meds / beta blockers? They help immensely.

Asking this in Chat is pretty brave xD It’s not far from AIBU with some of the unsympathetic replies you will get.

No, I'm saying he should have been more polite and not chastised me like a child in front of a shop full of people. He shouldn't do that to any customer, ND or not.

I wasn't some trouble causer pushing over mannequins and stamping on them. I was just someone trying to look at an item.

Excuse me but we ask customers don't touch the display, would tou like any help with that'
Is the correct response surely? Not a sarcastic and attitude dripping statement hollered across the shop infant of other customers?

Yes I'm on highest dose of antidepressants and propranolol I can take.

I think it would have been more usual to ask for help "Excuse me, I'm interested in the coat in the window, do you know the size?" The assistant would then say either "please feel free to have a look" or "I'll just go and get it for you". Shops usually prefer people not to get things out of the window display themselves because things tend to fall over or get messed up. But in the end t ithey will be glad to have made a sale.

I agree he should have offered to help at the start "hi can I get that out of the window for you?" but who knows possibly he was also awkward about conversation. You may have inadvertently confused him by apparently ignoring the sign.

Don't worry about it any more though!

It's common knowledge that you don't touch items in charity shop window displays so I'm not surprised he was annoyed. Next time just ask.

In any shop window display, tbh.
But, in case there is anyone who hasn't been in a shop before, they had put up a sign to that effect, which you chose to ignore.
I think he was entitled to be cross, in truth.

You think that adjustments should have been made because of your anxiety, but the shop assistant wasn't to know that you have an invisible disability, was he ?

You had 2 adults with you, who know you well. Why aren't you cross at them for not helping you ? Presumably they must know how uncomfortable it makes you to be in a shop. Why didn't they help you ?

Ewname24 I've already answered that.

And I didn't choose to ignore it. I didn't see it. It was a small sign on the floor
Along with other advertising material

As a rule you don't touch stuff in a shop window display so maybe he was a bit surprised. If it's a charity shop he is probably a volunteer and may not have known what to do (for all you know he may be ND). By all means feedback to the shop as the volunteer may need additional training. However you need to ask staff to help you if you want to look at something in the window.

I thought everyone knew that you don't look at items in shop windows and you ask for assistance.

However, when he saw you poking around the first time he should have asked you to stop and he would check for the price and the size etc.

He was rude but then you were wrong to go poking around in the display and knock things over.

Oh come on. If the shop assistant isn’t helping and you want to know it’s not that odd. He saw op looking and didn’t offer to help or ask what she needed to know.

I think this is a very likely account of what probably happened.

It sounds like he knew he should be assisting you but didn't know how to intervene without being directly asked (hence loitering nearby getting more and more worked up but not knowing how to stop it).

While the guy was rude, I thought it was common knowledge that you never touch the window display and always ask for help.

I used to volunteer in a charity shop OP and if this happened when I was working it would not bother me at all. It’s wrong for the man to react as he did - not good customer service at all. It was an accident and everyone has them. Don’t give it any more thought.

Well I guess it's a learning opportunity, you learnt not to touch things in a shop window - generally no shops would want you to do that so you know for next time.

He was rude and not helpful but the chances are if he is working in a charity shop he may well have his own learning disability or ND, many charity shops purposefully recruit people with MH and LD etc. so he didn't approach this the right way either but have some leniency.

Next time you go into a shop. Write on your phone what it is or what you need help with and show your phone to the assistant. Writing it down gives you time to think and will avoid such embarrassing incidents in future.

"I am autistic, could you help me please. I would like to know the size and cost of the coat in the window. Thank you"

This. Why would you, it’s just so very rude.

And I’m pretty sure he didn’t shout..

I’ve worked in retail for over 20 years. I’d be irritated if someone came into my workplace knocking things over but I’d have forgotten about it within minutes.

I think he was reasonable to be annoyed as adults really should know not to touch a window display. It's unfortunate that it was so upsetting for you but that's not on him.

You had a small accident and he was rude about it. I'm not sure why ND or anxiety is relevant. Everyone deserves respect and kindness.

However, "everyone" includes shop workers, particularly in charity shops, where many of the volunteers have difficulties of their own.

You should forgive yourself for your minor clumsiness and forgive him for his exasperation.

I recommend the above prev planning or scripting approach too, but also wondered why your DH didn't step up in this situation and ask for help?
The sales assistant was rude.
He should have (nicely) asked if he could help you sooner.
You did nothing wrong, put it out of your mind, I hope your daughter likes her coat

I appreciate you're autistic but wtf has his sexuality got to do with anything?

Maybe it’s a reverse..

And if not, OP - how do you know he wasn’t autistic too? Maybe give others the same chance as you expect others to give to you?

@PumpkinSoul please don’t feel bad, these things happen. I was once fidgeting with an item of clothing on a mannequin trying to check the sleeve hem and the whole arm came off in my hand, to my work colleague’s amusement and my mortification. Still cringing 20 years later 🫣. Hope the store assistant has learned to be less confrontational too.

As someone without ND and / or anxiety disorder, this sounds like a non-event.

That’s the point, though, surely? The fact it sounds like a non event — to you — doesn’t mean it was for the OP. But if the guy had helped her when he first noticed her looking at the coat, it COULD have been a non event. As it was, though, he was very rude. I’m not ND/don’t have anxiety disorder, but I wouldn’t have liked being reprimanded like a child either.