Am I being oversensitive? Told off in shop.

[PumpkinSoul]

I think it's relevant that I'm ND and have an anxiety disorder so I don't process things 'normally' often.

My daughter told me she had seen a coat in a charity shop window that she wanted, a style she had been looking for.

She was in school so I decided to go get it for her.

I have real anxiety in shops so I was quite laser focused on going in and checking it was her size.

I went in and went to the window where it was and was trying to look in the nape of it for a label.

The guy who works there walked over and was about 5ft away from me, I turned and looked to him and wanted to ask for help but I really struggle initiating conversation and I was starting to feel flustered because I needed help to find out what size but gelt daft asking for it (happens alot)
He was looking passed me out the window and I tried to make eye contact but he walked away.
So I tried to look if there was a label on the inside pocket area, at the bottom but as I pulled the coat open to look the neatest shoulder slipped off the mannequin, it was falling off (heavy faux fur coat) so I sort of lifted it back and in doing so knocked something off another mannequin next to it, a bag or something maybe?

At this point the guy comes striding over and says in a raised voice 'and THAT is why we don't touch things in the window display!' It was said with a lot of attitude, not playful at all.

I said sorry and I was just trying to see the size as the price label (that have a section for size) didn't say and he said 'there's even a sign!' And pointed to a sign on the floor (weird place??) And I said sorry again but said 'there's no need to speak to me like that though, I wasn't trying to remove it'

And he said he was joking, but he wasn't, my adult son and husband were there.

I know in the scheme of things it doesn't matter but he said this infant of a group of people and honestly talked to me like I was a naughty child (I'll probably get flamed for mentioning it but he was gay and very 'camp' and loud and said it with so much attitude.

I know I was wrong but he didn't have to be so condescending, he could have said 'Do you need a hand? For future reference we ask customers don't get things out of the window so I'll grab it for you'

I just feel like all my confidence has been knocked out of me as this is the kind of thing I dread when thinking about interacting with people.

I think if you're not autistic you might not understand but I just gave DH the coat to buy and went outside and cried.

Feel stupid.

The good thing is you got a great coat for your dear DD who is probably thrilled with it.
Please don't be embarrassed, the so-called assistant should be embarrassed about speaking so rudely to you!

Dont blame yourself.. Have a new rule. The ruder they are, the less of a damn you should give!

just have some handy phrases up your sleeve for next time. Eg... if they have to get something out of the window and its the wrong size....So what? it's their "job" and the things are in the window to be sold, its hardly taxing to put it back again.... Just practice saying. "Ah, that's not the size I was looking for. So sorry"

As previous pp said, you do sometimes have some unusual interactions in charity shops. I was in one recently when I saw a vintage musical item in the window that I knew one of my DC would absolutely love. The lady behind the till kept saying "Well I don't know why anyone would want to buy something like that! I don't even know what it does!" three or four times. She sounded irrationally irritated by it and I had to keep repeating, "I would still like to buy it, can you ring it up please" The next time she said it my cheeky DH said.. "you are right, it's clearly overpriced" and we got a discount. (it wasn't a high value item btw) So it seems like any behaviour goes there.

I can see why the assistant got flustered and snapped at you. You ignored him when he approached you, and neither of your companions stepped in when it was clear things were going a bit wrong for you and the display.

And I agree that you don't fiddle with window displays in any shops. If there's something there you want to know more about, the only thing you can do is ask at the counter. Going to an assistant with a script prepared should've been what your husband suggested you do. It's hard to understand why he let you do what you did if the intention is to help you develop your social skills.

This is a bit like saying 'I can't be racist because I have black friends'. Yes, you can still have internalised prejudices even while being part of a marginalised group.

I strongly suspect the loud 'camp' voice was, as someone else said upthread, deliberately playing up to the comedy of a situation where mannequins are falling and trying to defuse the moment, knowing that you would probably be feeling embarrassed and awkward about that happening, ND or not.

So why the homophobic remark then, why even mention it?

Take it as learning lesson on how to interact in shops. You are not supposed to touch the window display.
Mannequins are quite unstable and can fall easily if you pull on a coat to search for label.
Do not even enter the window area and do not touch / grab anything.

All of this!
I'm also bewildered by all the people who didn't know that interfering with and wrecking shops window displays isn't ok!

The OP explained that as soon as she went into the shop she went straight to the coat in the window. So she didn't even attempt to search for an assistant for help.

I've also worked in retail and it's drummed into people that the 'customer is always right ', but that's a load of rubbish as customers are often extremely rude, entitled and challenging.
In the OP's case, she's made a mountain out of a molehill, and that's of her own making.

Incidentally, when she makes her 'complaint', do you think she should describe the assistant as the 'gay camp man'? , just so they know who she's talking about?

After all, you've not pulled her up on her unnecessary description of him, why haven't you?

I haven’t RTFT, but in all of our local charity shops, the shop assistants are actually volunteers. So I’m not sure how far you’ll get by making a complaint.

I think this is a really good rationalisation that might make you feel better!

if it’s any comfort I became a bit more resilient only in later life. I caught a bottle with my coat cuff in Aldi and it fell off and smashed. It had been left on the edge of the shelf not fully in the plastic retainer thing as the shelf was overstocked. I did apologise but I also pointed that out. Years ago I’d have felt dreadful all day but it really is just life. sometimes you just have to accept that you’ve unwittingly made someone else’s day a little worse but it’s not the biggest deal.

I also remember being in a shop with my toddler getting pick and mix. I turned my back for a second to put a dripping umbrella down and the woman behind the counter roared ‘MOTHER’ and everyone in the shop whipped round and stared at me. I think she was either implying I shouldn’t have turned away or thought my toddler was using his hands not the tongs though he had the tongs when I turned away and still had them when I turned back. Anyhow, I made a conscious decision not to even ask what the supposed issue was. Not worth the angst. Again, years ago I’d have felt upset for a long time. Now I feel more able to accept that maybe he was doing something, maybe he wasn’t. Not that big a deal.

If you had no problem asking him the question of size etc? Would you have still hit something on the other mannequin?

Perhaps he is ND too, finds it difficult to cope with social situations and says what he is thinking rather than adapting his manner in the way a NT person would easily do. That would be very likely in a volunteer in a charity shop .

Bet he wouldn't have spoken to you like that if it hadn't been a charity shop . He is not doing you or them any favours by doing this. And what a drama lama he was. Big deal about the window . Not exactly the Christmas display at Selfridges. Fucks sake .
Glad you got the coat ! 😛

If you can't use your words, don't do weird things like climbing into shop window displays! The poor guy probably spent ages making that window look nice and then you trashed it. You had 2 other adults with you, one of them could have asked for the price (which was anyway on display) if you couldn't.

it is a bit weird that OP and both the people she was with apparently thought this was completely fine.

OP has made several suggestions about how he "should" have phrased "don't touch the display" but he was probably speaking off the cuff because to 99% of people it's something that doesn't need saying. It's like complaining about the way he told her not to lie on the floor or push in the queue or lick the mannequin - yes there are probably best practice ways of doing something but also some behaviours are just so obvious you can't blame staff when 'why the fuck would you even do that in the first place,' is your initial reaction and you don't manage to re-phrase it in the perfect customer service way within a split second.

OP, you shouldn't have been helping yourself to something that was in the window. Ask for help next time. And don't worry. It's all fine. His manner might have been wrong but he was right about the incident. You were right too, as a customer, you should have been assisted, not told off.

Charity shops are often staffed with a range of volunteers from different back grounds often with employment struggles or social struggles

He is in the wrong.

I've often been annoyed at incompetency of chazzer shop staff

She doesn't sound homophobic at all, she was describing the scene as she saw it.

If anyone's homophobic it's you implying describing someone as gay is an insult.

Going through things in a window display isn't something I would do, I'd ask about the item but he shouldn't have spoken to u like that. Why didn't ur husband speak up?

I didn’t know this 😂

PumpkinSoul, you know now that there's an unspoken rule about touching shop window displays. Perhaps looking up some other rules/etiquette around shopping would also help you, and also asking your husband to come over and tell you if he notices you're doing things.

Also from the shop worker's perspective, you're not an ND person with an anxiety disorder, you're another random person in the shop potentially ruining a window display. He doesn't know anything about you, he is only seeing things from his own perspective just like you're only seeing things from yours. Yes he should have been nicer, but he is also only a human being and has limitations.

I agree- why on earth mention he is gay and camp. Irrelevant and not necessary

This is what DHs are for!

"DH go up and ask the man what size the coat in the window is."

I was going to say this, especially as most are volunteers.

He's probably ND too and if like some other ND people, his tone could of been off, Especially if he said he was joking. If he wasnt joking he would of carried on telling you off. The fact he didnt notice you tying to make eye contact Is very telling.

It is common knowledge you dont touch things on the window displays in any shop, regardless of if your ND or struggling. You should of asked DP to sort it instead of touching the display.

I am autistic and have ADHD and I also struggle somtimes so I practise what I want to say in my head first.

Charity shops are staffed by volunteers and the majority of charity shop volunteers are retired ladies with spare time, and ND/SEN people trying to gain some employment skills, confidence and routine. It does mean that not every volunteer in a charity shop has the best way with customers. I think the best thing to do is just to try to brush it off and not let it get to you if you can.

This has given me happy memories of the Victoria Wood sketch where Julia Walters is a shop assistant and goes crashing about in the shop window and comes back with the wrong shoe! Might try and find it on YouTube....