Labour to introduce Cheese Tax

[DadJoke]

The total cheese market in the UK is £4.5bn annually. I've heard that Labour will be taxing cheese at 20%, raising almost £1bn, which will be used to fund research into vegan alternatives. As a cheese lover I strenously object.

In the spirit of other threads which speculate wildly about taxes and benefit cuts Labour will definitely introduce, tell me something you are sure Labour will put forward at the budget. Links are optional. Trust me, bro is evidence.

Heavily taxed as an offence to public decency.

I’ve heard they’re going to tax people faffing around on the Tube, with additional rate tax for those who stand on the left of escalators. That’ll solve the budget black hole instantly.

Could there be a tax for people who reach the front of supermarket queues and then forget where their bank cards are? That’ll raise an absolute fortune, obviously it’s a stealth tax on the elderly, but really they are clearly responsible for the black hole: they’ve lived the longest.

Trains running better. Less cancelled medical appointments. Riots dealt with quickly. Having a good laugh at sausages.

I think some of these suggestions are fa brie cated.

No, people like that need to be banned from normal supermarkets and made to shop in special supermarkets with their own kind, including the aisle blockers, the fruit sniffers and the unwrapped bread pokers. All the major supermarkets can donate their wonky wheeled trollies and non scanning tills. They won’t be missed either.

I am also proposing very very short swimming pools to cater for the people who think the reason you go swimming is to stand at the end of the pool and stretch or chat with your non swimming friends. It’s a waste of water letting people like that go into normal sized pools.

Can we tax those who park in my reserved parking spot even though they clearly do not have a permit to park there as it states you should. Include in this those who park across the parking space preventing access to it.
Seriously you could use the money to more than half the cost of train fares.

I am also proposing very very short swimming pools

Isn't that a bath ?

No. Labour already made baths illegal, because of climate change and making extra space for migrants to stand up in. If you have a 2m x 1m social water receptacle in your house you have to declare it, allow it to be used by the public and pay tax on it. Sorry themz the rulez

Double the tax if you step on the cracks.

Precisely. That’s the bloody spirit (of the Labour party).

That all sounds very fair @MurdoMunro
I reckon you and I could be Reeves dream team (I’ll bring the fag packets) and my abacus.

@80smonster Get me a pink suit, pass me the fags, “OI RACH! Hold the door babes, I’m coming in. Don’t mind 80s bint here, she’s got a crackin plan to reduce battery spend in primary schools involving `abacuses”

@HotSource

urs please & a bit of pickle wouldn't go a miss!

@DadJoke

that's an unfair scare to those of us cheese dependent low carb vegetarians!!

It took me a while to reply as I was packing the final bits in my hunt starmer down ruck sack!!

My dogs are obviously huge supporters.

i can’t Brielieve it.

I've got a Labrador. I've been paying the cheese tax for ever.

This is totally untrue. It has not been officially denied.

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied." [Hacker's Law]

(Plus Sir Humphrey likes a bit of Stilton with his port.)

These are unreasonable demands.

If everyone kicked up a stinking bishop about this, made a big raclette about it maybe Labour would listen.

Perhaps Hmrc are going to have un-feta-rd access to our personal accounts now…

Bet nobody can make Chaource fit.

Morbier Kier

Have heard on the grapevine that the BrieBrieC and Goudian are going to be fine but the Twister will get screwed.

Evidence of cheese being used as jewellery will justify raising its tax level further

news.sky.com/story/cheese-dating-back-3600-years-found-in-chinese-tomb-researchers-say-13222530

Sod Starmer! I camembert that man!!!!