How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

To clarify, I mention the past because I know that's NOT how I want DC to be raised, and to highlight the fact I haven't had first hand experience of this!
Just now aware what I've been thinking of as 'kindness' is likely setting him up to fail in a different way 🫠

The spoilt snobby kids DD knew when she was little boasted about what they had. They also could not stop themselves from saying disparaging things about other people’s possessions.

Their parents did nothing about the boasting. If your DC behaves like this, calling them out on it should stop the boasting and snobbery! Teach them about people less fortunate than them, and tell them how hard you worked to get to where you are. Emphasise the importance of working hard.

I got uni and house deposit help from my parents and honestly they didn't go out of their way to make me learn financial lessons etc. Just talked openly about financial things and being sensible with money. The other thing is despite being relatively well off they were left wing and talked about social issues regularly, poverty, how lucky we were, told us about their own upbringings experiencing hardship etc, read stories with us and had regular discussions about empathy etc.

Example - if we saw a homeless person out and about, that would then give rise to a discussion about homelessness, social issues, a discussion about the homelessness charity my parent donated to, etc etc.

Thanks @EVHead ! I think I do okay with this, professions wise I try and be straightforward and practical. For instance 'yes, his job is to empty the bins! That must be hard work, but it keeps our houses clean. You could do that as an adult if you wanted to. It must be fun to ride on the back of the lorry - but I'm sure it must also be a bit stinky!'

I don't think we're at boasting yet thankfully! He'll often want to take new toys to share with his friends but I think that's pretty normal?

Sometimes I say no to things like random trips to Alton Towers and say it's because it's so expensive. Then we talk about how much the entry fee is and how many visits to the supermarket/school dinners that is worth and why I'm prioritising eating over fun days out. In reality I just don't want to go to Alton Towers all day every weekend and money is a legitimate reason not to!

Thanks @BurbageBrook !

Amazing, thank you. I think I need to get better at having these open discussions - so far DC has been pretty shielded except thinking I have a magic card to tap to pay for things 🤦‍♀️

I always told my child I would deny them nothing, certainly not the ability to work hard and clean up their own mess. Do they have chores? We also massively financially educated them for example at a theme park when they asked for an expensive icecream/slush or gift I would give them £10 instead and say this is yours to spend to today and you can chose to spend it all, some of it or save it. A few times one blew the £ and the other saved it and it caused a bit of upset but they got over it quick. I also came down like a tonne of bricks on any showing off/lack of thought to people less fortunate and showed them the joy of buying generous gifts for people they love.

Just don’t tell them about the financial provision you’ve made for them. And consider holding some of it back.

My kids are absolutely definitely getting service jobs of some kind - waiting tables, bartending, chambermaiding, landscaping. This opens your eyes to how much people have, the value of good manners, and teaches valuable domestic and organisational skills! The difference is I would advise them to do them in holiday time or gap year rather than say, during their a levels.

DS once said "that must be a horrible job" about the bin man so we looked up what they earn and discovered a wide range of benefits such as a 5-2 working day so you could be a very involved parent or have a time consuming hobby. Then we met a bin man on holiday and he had a small sailing dinghy and was a most impressive person. He also had a very good pension and 8 weeks paid holiday a year.

IMO children learn snobbery from their parents.

And - regarding jobs etc, if they see you treating everyone with equal respect, then they will learn to do that too.

@TigerOnTour thank you - definitely will do this as I'm not a theme park fan 😂

Well done on your success op. And don’t worry about your kid. Children tend to get their values from the parents so if you haven’t raised them to be a dick, they won’t be, no matter how well off they are.

I think it's important to keep an eye on your dc's attitudes towards others.

Tbh, I spolit my dd shamelessly in many ways, because I enjoyed doing so, but I was vigilant about monitoring her attitudes and would have pulled back immediately at the first sniff of any kind of "spoilt" behaviour. There never was any though... she never took anything for granted, always expressed gratitude and an awareness of her own privilege, never showed any sense of entitlement, frequently showed great compassion and generosity towards others. We talked a lot about stuff and we interacted with a wide range of people, including those who were both richer and poorer than us.

I don't think it's inevitable that they become brats if they have a privileged upbringing, but it is a possibility. The fact that you're aware of this possibility and concerned enough to post about it suggests to me that you won't let it happen!

Being spoiled isn’t about getting stuff. It’s about manners and how you treat other people. Some of the wealthiest people are some of the least spoiled. Having strong boundaries, giving them jobs in return for pocket money/stuff, a bit of delayed gratification etc. will go a long way. My very wealthy friend had her children helping out at a food bank once a week when they were old enough, so something that opens their eyes to their privilege wouldn’t hurt.

And yes, absolutely agree that parental attitudes towards other people will influence kids a lot. If you treat everyone with respect and dignity, and don't see yourself as being "above" anyone else, they will learn from how you interact with the world.

There is rich, and then their is rich. What you describe sounds like normal comfortable middle class lifestyle so I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about this being a problem to deal with. It sounds like you are doing and thinking about all the right things.
Talk about society and inequity and things as the pp have said.

I think by teaching them the value of money early on. If they get pocket money, it’s conditional on them completing small chores. When they are old enough, they get themselves a part time job. That way they learn that nothing in life is free.

@user47 absolutely I need to get better at this too. Normally we'll do 1 item in a gift shop or similar, but I need to get better at spreading it across the day! In principle I agree about the coming down like a tonne of brinks, so far I haven't seen this behaviour from DC to correct but I'm on the lookout 👀

@Hallelujahchorus Definitely not mentioning what I have saved! I love the idea of doing a service job during holidays as opposed to A-levels! Honestly I was very exploited in my first service job, but I guess it would be different for DC with a supportive parent (who knows employment law 😂) and not having the burden of trying to provide for family. And you're right, it does teach so much!

Thanks everyone!

To be honest, so far I've not seen any spoilt behaviour from DC, and am probably overthinking it (which I have form for!) ~ there have been great tips on here though which I will 100% implement.

A few of you have mentioned chores, this is probably where I need to get more organised. DC will do things when asked and tidy up after himself but I should add in a more household based tasks. He does currently get pocket money but it's not chore related and tbh it just accumulates in his GoHenry as I'll buy things when out 🫠 something else to work on!

I think making sure that they still see some things as special treats, where they learn to appreciate them as a result, is important - not just so that they don't become spoiled, but because life is generally more fun when you can have a few special things to look forward to and enjoy. If you can have whatever you want all the time, then it takes away that anticipation and extra enjoyment of a treat - even for just little things. I remember being taken once or twice to a performance in the theatre, and the anticipation, getting dressed up, being out late at night with my mum, the fact that I got a packet of Smarties at the interval, which I never normally had, etc, are things I remember even now, more than the performance itself. If I had those things all the time, I'm sure I'd have enjoyed the performances and got lots out of them, but I'd have missed out on the special treat feeling, which is what created the memories. And I even notice a bit as an adult, that now I can buy some of the things I want whenever I want them, there is less now that gives me the same 'treat' feeling, and I sometimes find myself trying to recreate that.

Also, not having everything all the time gives them something to work for. I was teaching a child once who was rich, and also had various behavioural difficulties, and the mum set up a reward plan where she had to do various tasks consistently to earn points that would allow her to buy a CD at the end of the week. Fine in theory, but the child had enough money to buy CDs every week (and did!) and there was nothing special for her to work towards or give her than incentive (obviously it would have been better if she didn't need that kind of incentive, but in this case, she did). There was just nothing that she lacked enough to motivate her.

But I agree that it's mostly about how the children talk about what they have and interact with others. The ones that sound grateful for what they have, appreciate that they're lucky, don't look down on others for not having the same etc, don't come across as spoiled.

I think you can also talk about what things are worth - so even if you have the money to buy something, is it actually worth it? Is it a good use of resources (generally - environmental, financial etc). Getting children involves in budgeting for something, making choices, saving up, contributing in some way, just makes them think more about the cost of things, which can help them appreciate them and not take them for granted - and also helps them look after stuff and value it, if they've had to contribute or choose in some way.

I didn't do much when they were small - just let them enjoy their ponies and schools. When they were teens I encouraged them to get jobs in the real world. I've always spoken about my tough upbringing and I've never been bitchy about anyone with less. They know they can't make snobby comments in front of me. They are privileged and I'm not going to pretend they aren't, but they are kind, thoughtful, happy kids and that's all we can ask for really.

I gave mine a monthly allowance when she was a young teenager, so that she had an opportunity to learn to budget and make choices.

She also had a part time job from 16, and there is nothing like working really hard for £4.65 per hour to help kids realise that money doesn't grow on trees!