How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

Weathy kids should absolutely be helped to get out of their bubble and to know their privilege, to develop lifetime habits of seeking out (economic and other!) diversity and appreciating it.

Volunteering from a young age, attending sports and social clubs in more economically diverse areas. Likewise choosing schools that are not awash with privilege. Their peers and friends will have as much influence as you in this regard.

I grew up in quite a monied family but also quite old fashioned attitudes towards it - so we didn't have loads of 'stuff' - toys, lots of new clothes etc... but we did have holidays, a huge garden and a sort of unspoken access to different sports, hobbies, days out. We also had family members with very little money - and I was very aware of the differences this made from a young age (children see stuff!).
Self awareness and an appreciation of what money can bring (an absence of worry, mainly) is the key I reckon.

My parents paid for my university, wedding and helped us with a house deposit and I am planning on doing the same for my kids. However, they didn’t help with my gap year(s) - I had to work to get the money to do what I wanted and that helped me learn a work ethic - I worked seven days a week for big parts of each of my gap years and that taught me that work comes before the fun stuff. No work = no fun stuff.

To be honest, I think kids pick it up pretty organically for the most part so long as their parents talk to them. I didn’t know how much money my dad had growing up but I knew that he worked very, very hard and we were taught to appreciate that hard work.

As for snobbery, I went to a state school and mixed with people who had much less. One of my best friends made lots of comments about how big my parents’ house was when they came round the first time (it was far from a mansion but was large compared to hers) and always called me rich from then on, but it made no difference to our friendship.

So if you send your child to a fancy school make sure they have ways of meeting people who are not as privileged. My now DH went to a private boarding school and it honestly never occurred to him that most people didn’t have separate teachers for all their classes at primary, or a swimming pool onsite or fencing lessons. Absolute head in the sand stuff. So make sure they see different people and the world and they’ll be grand.

Second the part time job, shows them the value of money, and working alongside people from all walks of life.

It doesn’t need to be on a daily basis. As they get older, just start talking about all the hard work you had to put in to get where you are today. The shitty student accommodation, living off beans on toast, your tiny first flat etc. Also, be open if you’ve had a tough day at the “office”, minor work stresses etc. It’s easier for them to understand when they get older.

@WhatToDo1234567 good question about modelling. I’m in the same position largely wfh, but I make sure the children hear about my work, demands, responsibilities etc including from past jobs.

Volunteering, reading, and I keep a wide group of friends including people who work extremely physically hard for a living (eg health workers) and make sure they kids get time to chat with them when they visit me at weekends for a cup of tea.

Also watching together age appropriate TV dramas (as well as books) which give an insight into tough jobs and hard work. (Easier as they get older - although Happy Valley still isn’t age appropriate !)

Our kids have grown up with a silver spoon shoved fairly firmly down their gullets, DH and I had very average upbringings.
Children get their values from their parents so as long as you're not being rude to waiters, they’ll be fine.

Modest pocket money when they are young, encourage a part time job as teenagers, teach the value of money and the freedom of having a bit of their own cash!

You teach your children by setting a good example. Show that you’re: careful with money; avoid waste; ignore fads; prioritise health and good relationships over show; delay gratification; respect people; care for animals. And keep a close eye as they get older on what their friends’ parents are like when it comes to alcohol/drugs/money/respect…

Show them. I’m sticking my neck out here and I know that lots of people will disagree, but I admire Princess Diana for the way she showed her children a side of life they might never have experienced.

To be honest you can be spoilt from any background - I've seen kids in Poundland acting just as badly as kids in Waitrose. The idea it is all about showing them poorer people and "the struggle" is rife, but really all you are doing is showing them a threat as to what will happen if they don't work - using snobbery and punching down by demonising the poor.

In my opinion, you just need to teach them to be kind and put themselves in other people's shoes; empathy. Bullies come from all walks of life but having a kid who will stand up (not physically) when it's needed against the bullies is rare and a life skill everyone can respect.

On a more day to day level, I buy something for the food hamper in the door of the church every week.

For Christmas, we take a tag from the church tree and buy that (6 yo girl or whatever). Also in the weeks leading up to school starting we would do a shop of school needs and give to St Vincent De Paul. Christmas, summer holidays and new school year makes it a very expensive time. DC were expected to contribute a little of their own money to that.

Have now googled what a GoHenry is.

Lots of good ideas here. I really don’t think money is the primary driver of snobbishness. Yes, it can be a big part of it, but it’s about values.

We similarly could afford more than we give our kids day to day, they do have to wait, save up, do their household tasks, put things on their Christmas lists, etc.

We buy a lot of things secondhand, and pass things on too. So far, they know that all their rugby kit has been given to us, they also know that we regularly bag up outgrown clothes and drop them to a friend.

The one that’s important to me is having my kids develop empathy and an understanding of how they impact others. So we talk about poverty and homelessness and food banks and they choose something for the food bank when we’re in the supermarket (and this means regularly going to the supermarket not just doing online orders every time!). But I also teach them to move aside in the aisle to let people past, and not shout in a cafe because other people are enjoying a quiet cup of tea, and check that everyone has had a slice of cake before they ask for seconds and I think that all contributes to a bigger picture of thoughtfulness and an understanding of themselves as a part of society.

I get the debate on volunteering. Mine are too young to consider this yet. But they see me volunteering in our community - you have to live the values you want them to have. There are ways young people can volunteer - I did with Riding for the Disabled from 14, I now work with scouts and we have teenage Young Leaders. I don’t think it’s just about seeing how other people live, it’s about giving your time to the community without direct financial reward.

OP it sounds like you are already doing a great job just by being aware of the possible pitfalls.

I think it's not just about your own attitude to the money you have and your financial situation but also helping DC understand that there are people who do not have such financially easy lives and for some people that's how it will be regardless of how hard they work.

Once they get older, you will not be the only influence on how they view the world.

We live in an incredibly affluent area although we are not particularly well off. DSs went to a lovely, small state primary where there is little diversity of any kind. We chose a nice, but very socially and economically diverse state secondary for them. This was very important to us because I have witnessed what can happen to people who grow up in the bubble of private schools. Both DSs have made a wide range of friends, some more well off, others much less so and I think this has been a very valuable part of their education.

I have seen my daughter's rich friends who end up on endless gap years travelling around the world, ringing home to get more funds and they have ended up with not much direction in their careers. Giving them money does not seem to have done them any good as they've got used to avoiding life and just partying.
On the other hand she has another friend who has very rich parents who are the opposite and never give her anything, she went to Uni, got a job and she is struggling to get a rent deposit together, moving to London starting a job and they don't ever give her a penny and I as a parent would help out for positive life decisions.

I wonder if you’re slightly over thinking it, @WhatToDo1234567?

Essentially, just don’t be a dick (which you’re obviously not) and there’s a very high chance that your son won’t be.

One of my kids is in a well paid profession and married a wealthy man. They live in a 1.75 mill house, for example. They have one child. All her toys and most of her clothes are from charity shops, for ethical/environmental reasons, she’s in a state school and we’re only allowed to buy her one present at Christmas so she’s not spoilt 🤣

I could be barking up the wrong tree here, and sorry if I am, but do you feel ok about your financial situation? I sense a bit of survivor’s guilt or something. Your childhood must have been pretty traumatic. Xx

My DS is spoilt by his grandmother (It's a very long story and I won't derail your thread)
but it is a nightmare. He has no concept of money, the value of anything, believes the world owes him a favour and looks down on people. I am embarrassed by him and his attitude.
If something is damaged or broken beyond repair she instantly replaces it. She funds him no end.

My suggestion is that whatever values you teach your DC, make sure those around you respect your choices and don't fill your DC with spoiltness.

Wow OP this is so good to read that you made it. My physical circumstances were not quite as dire as a child, but I come from nothing and from abuse and I feel I made it. Massive congrats and I hope I am not being patronising.

My parents did a decent job of this. Things they did that were good:

Culture of volunteering in our household, both my parents had big volunteering commitments and I was expected to help too. As an adult, I still do this and so do my kids - e.g. they help me run a stall at the school fair

Charitable giving - every birthday, I was encouraged to choose a charity to give some money towards

Being expected to work for extras - my parents gave me an allowance for university that was enough to cover the basics but not enough to, say, travel. So I had a summer holiday job for that

Being given a house deposit but not housed for free - some of my peers were given houses outright which I don't think is great encouragement for work ethic. Two of my peers still don't have proper jobs in their 40s and do things like try and have music or other performing arts type careers.

I watched the documentary where Gordon Ramsey revisited the estate he once lived on with his son. His privately educated & privileged son seemed to have more understanding of the problems faced by those trapped there now than his dad.

Definitely hard work and also resilience (as horsey people are often not very nice people 🥶 and very tough)

That’s interesting. I wonder if it’s because phenomenally successful people like GR often don’t appreciate that not everyone can do it “If they work hard enough!”

@Abitboring not patronising at all! Thank you and congrats to you for 'making it' too 🎉

You do know not all kids from comfortable backgrounds are nasty snobs, don't you? Arrogance and snobby behaviour tends to come from the parents. HTH

Your assumption that spoiling and snobbiness arises from.privilege is a concern. I don't believe it does and have heard and seen more ouchy behaviour from individuals who have grown up in a three bed semi with a bit of money spent on them than from the genuinely well off.

My mother who is from local landowners and a county family would not dream of being sneery towards her hairdresser, my MIL (a former teacher and from mining stock) on the other hand doesn't hesitate to refer to her hairdresser as a bit ignorant and the sort of woman who'd never read a book.

Our children are privileged, elite private schools, Oxbridge, etc, trustafarians, and both have a keen social conscience and don't waste money. Some of their friends with less are far more materialistic and wanty with with less emotional intelligence. One has only to look at some of the bridezilla threads on here and the expectation of being a "Princess" in a stately home location.

At theme parks, once a holiday, they did not get extra money to spend on the multiple merch and mi or game experiences. They got a fiver (20 years ago) to spend as they wished. The only time it was an issue was when a friend came with £20 and wanted to waste it. Mine weren't getting £40 to piss away and yet I couldn't stop the other child doing it.

They learnt the word no from an early age and also to be polite and kind and respectful to others. There were some excesses at their schools but they were quite rare and anyone who was blatant was usually brought down a peg or two by young people who had everything.

Don't just talk about people who are "less fortunate", talk about everyone if it's useful.