How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

Don't send them to private school. Let them be friends with who they like. Ensure they understand that rich people aren't better people, just lucky, and there are arseholes in all walks if life.
2 close friends of mine have sent their DC to private school, IMO, those kids are rude, entitled and lack street smarts.

We are quite strict about gift shops/holiday spending being from pocket money rather than extra spends from us each time. You can give them plenty of pocket money, but it’s good to get them thinking about how they want to spend it - eg saying we’re going to x place next week, maybe you want to save your pocket money for that

My kids have never wanted for anything. My DH and I have provided them with a very privileged lifestyle but what has been important is to teach them they this came through a lot of hard work. And for them to recognise that they are in deed very privileged. They see how hard we work to provide them with everything so they need to work hard in school and uni if they want to be able to have this lifestyle when they are adults.

We have also taught them the importance of giving back to society. So since they were very young they have volunteered. As a family we deliver food to people’s home’s on behalf of a charity every week. We also help with the elderly via the local Rotary club. Now my kids are teens they volunteer at local sports clubs with coaching too.

For me, I definitely wouldn’t have them help at a food bank. So they can look at the poor people? Use it as a teaching moment? Reminds me of those kids going and ‘building’ schools in undeveloped countries. There are useful things kids can do but please don’t use the poverty of others as a teaching moment.

Check what they are being influenced by online.

Our eldest teen has boys in his class saying to female teachers that they should be at home, in the kitchen.

Our teen was horrified. I know this because he told me about it.

Similarities here, as in I worked hard to escape a challenging start in life. For me it's about balance - they get an allowance but have to do chores, and for big possessions they have to save and ill match for example. I've also shown them where I grew up and the struggles I endured, including prejudice based on background so we have open discussions about not judging. I do voluntary work to give back to the community I grew up in and the kids have all done at least some volunteering to help them keep humble

It's the way you talk about other people and things with them that will influence them most. Acknowledge your own good fortune and theirs and be sympathetic and kind and tolerant towards others as a default.

Certainly try and teach them how long it takes to work for particular items, and a PT job at 16+ is a great way of letting them handle their own money and realise the value of it.

I had a very financially poor childhood - single parent raising 4 of us, mum always worked but left school when she was 14 so had no scope to actually make the amount of money needed to cover even the basics for us all.

Now, I'm not quite in the position that you are - but we will (fingers crossed!) be able to help them out in future, and they each have a good whack of savings that we put by each month for when they are older.

I frequently tell them about my childhood, just to ensure they are aware of how lucky they are to have what they do. More so in conversation, but did the other day get a bit cross when they were complaining about the snacks on offer from their almost overflowing snack drawer, which would never have been a thing for me as a child - snacks just weren't available.
When it comes to Christmas/birthday lists I always check them over and if everything on there is attainable I get them to add more, so that they don't get everything they put on it.

Say no to things even if you could afford to say yes!

DS once broke a toy by being careless. When told off his reply was “doesn’t matter. You can just buy a new one”. Obviously I didn’t.

An acquaintance of mine showered her children with every material advantage but never said no nor disciplined them consistently. All are now not nice to be around and I avoid them.

Well done you OP!!

I was raised in similar circumstances.
I have not been as successful as you but I’m working on it and I absolutely love stories like this ❤️
It’s up to us to break the cycle of poverty for our kids.

I don’t have much advice but I wouldn’t worry too much about them becoming snobs.

I think if they’re aware of your struggles growing up, then they will know how hard you’ve had to work.

I don’t make my DD feel guilty for having a roof over her head etc but I remind her that many people don’t have that.

We often do small things like donate pet food or tinned food to homeless shelters, it doesn’t cost much but it’s just reminding her that some people have absolutely nothing.

I do think having a monthly budget either through an allowance or them working, is good for them to learn how to budget and not waste their money.

My mum still has bailiffs and things turning up and so my DD can see the mistakes she makes and we talk about how my mum should be doing things.

I also talk about people in abusive/controlling relationships (I grew up in a very violent home) and how some adults/kids don’t feel safe in their own home and how important it is that she works hard and gets a good career/makes good choices so she never has to rely on anyone else.

I would absolutely give her a deposit for a home etc if I could afford it.

Make sure your dd works hard and understands worth ethics. Good grades, being responsible and kind. Give her chores and teacher her to have goals to work towards. Make sure she understands not everyone has it so easy and to be grateful.

How depressing!

I'm extremely frivolous with money and over the years have tried to buy my daughter anything she wanted (including 3 ponies 😳), have sent her to private school, allowed her to do very expensive extra-curricular activities (like showjumping and tennis lessons many times per week) etc - yet she is a very kind teen (who is much more sensible with money than I am!) and not at all snobby. Not sure how that happened 🤷‍♀️

Yeah I don't buy the volunteering thing unless that's driven by them.

Tbh I'm happy when they live easy, happy lives. As long as they aren't actively horrible to anyone I don't mind if they don't feel guilty about being able to go on holiday and have a nice car and buy clothes.

Actually, I agree with this, but also thing that a lot of it is nature rather than nurture.

So many siblings who are raised identically have such different attitudes to money.

I'm similar.
Allow yourself to take joy in providing for them firstly.
Show gratitude for things you have/do/enjoy and they will learn from this.
Tell them, I want you to have what I didn't so I am working really hard to make that happen.
I suppose don't guilt them - sometimes I find myself saying you have no idea how hard your dad (I'm particular) had it, we really need to value what we have but when I do it in a scolding way it doesn't help.
Caring for things you have - some of my friends don't care if their kids break things or put them away I really do. Instilling the value of appreciating and looking after your belongings.
Respecting that others don't always have the same - reminding them not to talk about money or gifts too much. I'd never do the present pile photo on Facebook.
Talk about charity - involve them in doing things like adding to the food bank drop off in the supermarket.
Love them and be proud of them when they achieve something you couldn't - it's so nice to see. My DD is going to china with school and I am so excited for her!

Ha ha yes we've also done horses and ponies. Tbh that teaches hard work and humility!

Thank you again everyone. I wasn't sure what kind of response I'd get on MN but this has all been incredibly useful and kind 💐

School-wise, DC is in a good state school, and although I could stretch to private (and am grateful the option is there should we ever genuinely need it) it didn't seem worth it! We're probably 'better off' than most families who attend, but so far this hasn't come up. I try and model good behaviour if on a playdate for example, so DC wouldn't hear anything about the house we're visiting being smaller, but would hear me admiring their gorgeous wallpaper/book collection etc.

Love the recommendation for food bank donations @Apolloneuro ~ I donate money to ours as a friend volunteers there but have fallen out of the habit of picking up bits whilst buying groceries to pop in! Will make a point of finding the list of things they 'need' and going through it with DC next time we have a few extra minutes in Sainsbury's and then ongoing :)

Hearing you all loud and clear on the pocket money! I need to make sure DC spends from what they have. Love the idea of using cash more too! Tbf I normally take any birthday cash they get and add the same to their GoHenry, so I'll start keeping this in a wallet for them instead.

And just to keep talking about these things, which is the biggest change I'm going to make. I know I don't want DC worried about money, so I've just not spoken about it! But that will change :)

The poverty of others should absolutely be a teaching moment.

So many rich kids grow up spoilt because they have absolutely no clue on how fortunate they are and how many other people live.

Giving back to the community, whilst also learning how to not take things for granted (as well as see that these are normal people and not just scrounges) is such a positive thing.

I don’t think kids should be made to feel guilty for their good fortune but they do need to realise how privileged they are and part of that privilege should be about giving back to those who are less fortunate.

Be respectful to and about everyone you meet, raise him to be useful and kind, make sure he gets a part time job when he can, has his own bank account and try to get him to save for a gap year himself.
Also - try to have a broad social circle, and make sure he reads and keeps reading.

Put heavy emphasis on good manners, respect for all, kindness, and empathy.

I have met extremely rich people and children from uber privileged families, who are delightful and lovely company and people you’d want to be friends with. They know their privilege and have been raised to use it well and to benefit others in life.

Put heavy emphasis on good manners, respect for all, kindness, and empathy

We did - and, controversially for mumsnet, so did their absolutely amazing private school.

But if you don’t teach then the importance of giving back to society when they are young it will never come from them.

We involved them in our volunteering activities from when they were around 5 years old. And now they are teens they volunteer for things of their own bats.

But it’s about teaching your kids your own values I guess.

One more question - how do you model hard work when it's all done on a laptop from home? I've gotten to the point in my career where I'm WFH, and a lot of my role is reading things/keeping up to date and making decisions when needed. Obviously I've worked incredibly hard to get here, but it doesn't exactly look like hard work 😂

I talk to DC about how hard jobs are (like why we're leaving a tip in a restaurant for instance), or what different careers look like. I'm very happy where I am now because I can concentrate on DC outside of my 9-5, and have the mental capacity to plan adventures for us, make 'cute' foods for tea etc. But it doesn't look like (or feel like to me if I'm being perfectly honest) hard work. And DC thankfully doesn't remember all the 14 hour days when they were a baby 😂😅

Your own example will teach them. I read a brilliant interview years back with a female boxer, single mum, who showered gifts and everything on her child, without teaching him a single financial lesson - one day she said she took him to a ridiculously over the top toyshop to buy a ride-in kid car, a Merc replica or suchlike and she was surprised to hear 'No, mummy, they hit you so hard for the money, I don't want you to spend it on a stupid toy car'.