How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

HNRTFT but I would definitely make them fund their own traveling/ gap year experience. My children all had part time jobs and took part of their gap year to earn money for it .
I work with a lovely young guy who works every holiday doing the washing up ,kitchen chores etc.
He was at private boarding school ,worked throughout holidays and now at Uni but has spent all summer working to save to go skiing over Christmas Hols.He is a joy to work with,resident's adore him and he has said how much he has learned about how hard people work ,earning MW …he has always been well mannered and respectful.
His parents have done an excellent job with his upbringing.

My Dc would be mad to think we didn’t have money. It’s obvious! Of course they are aware of our lifestyle! They might have thought their parents spent it all on cars and holidays but, as they know us, they also knew we made provision for them. Working is not the same as being a decent human being. One is about money, the second is about beliefs and what you are like as a person. They are not the same thing. Just because dc have money saved for them, it doesn’t make them work shy monsters.

Ours took the loans for uni. One has paid it off. Other earns far less and hasn’t. If made economic sense at the time. We gave them enough to enjoy life at uni.

Also why keep worrying about money and attitudes? We didn’t go to charity shops either. I don’t know anyone who did. Does that make me awful? Dc aren’t awful either but they like buying and selling on line!

It’s about the people they are surrounded with - you need to identify your ‘tribe’, of people with same interests and values as you - and he will learn behaviours and attitudes from them.
I could have written your post, it’s something I think about often for my DS. I’m from a similar background to you, but have worked hard and am now in a much more fortunate position through the progress I’ve made myself, and by marriage.
I don’t belong in the world I came from any more, but will never really feel like I belong in groups of middle class people who have generational wealth, who are university educated etc. So, DH and I have found our own tribe via our hobby/ now business, which tends to attract people from working class backgrounds who have worked very hard and are now comfortable with disposable income. DS is now involved with that hobby, which is so time consuming it becomes a lifestyle - so as he grows up he will be surrounded by lots of salt of the earth people who are hard working and successful, but down to earth, who know the value of money and don’t look down on other people. We consciously made the decision that this was the ‘world’ we wanted him to grow up in, as well as for ourselves.
We have moved to place that’s a bit of mecca for people involved with this industry, so he is making lots of friends with similar interests, from similar backgrounds. Of course we have friends and family from all walks of life too, but aren’t trying to blend in to a social group that is alien to us, or to ‘keep up with the Joneses’. Also, any snobby or entitled behaviour from him will get the piss taken out of soundly! Snobby children come from snobby parents.

There was certainly an element of that, combined with him not being able to accept that the support he had simply was no longer there.

not a Mum myself but I hope you don't mind my butting in. My nieces and great nephews are lovely adults and young adults and so are my god children and their kids. In every case the reason is the same, the parents modelled the behaviour they want to see. All come from working class made good backgrounds.

Teaching your kids the importance of volunteering isn’t so they can see “poor people” in the flesh 🙄. Sadly there is plenty of poverty that can be seen on the streets daily so they don’t need help to see less fortunate people.

It’s about teaching them to give their time to people who can’t afford to pay for that time. If our kids are in a privileged enough position to not have to work (because we provide for them so well) then they should be willing for give up some of their free time to help others. Whether that is helping a charity, visiting an elderly neighbour regularly or coaching little kids etc

I think a part time job makes a massive difference to young people because it teaches them the actual cost of money, if that makes sense. So they realise £6 feels like nothing to them but it’s actually an hour’s shift at the shop or whatever.

I think you model kind, thoughtful behaviour and teach your child the same. You should also show that you value things other than materialistic things. Like hard work, spending time together, learning, trying hard, sharing things caring for others thinking about how other people think etc.
I don't think giving children things makes them spoilt it's an attitude.
I also think if you can have discussions about different lifestyles that is also helpful. But never in a patronising, smug way.

You brought a house to where!?

On chores, my kids have daily and weekly chores. We live in a household together and they contribute. When they were very small we never went up for bath time unless downstairs was tidy and they helped me do it.
My almost teen now can do the laundry, empty the dishwasher, do the recycling, make pizza/sandwich/pesto pasta.

What I am teaching them is to see the job and do it. This I think is very important for boys to learn. So I want at one point for them to not need a list. If they see a chore, they just do it. I am there in terms of their rooms. So I wrote down what a clean room would involve. For many years I helped them and we would tick it off. I also encouraged them to put away one thing before pulling out another, make your bed, make sure the room is okay before you sleep. Now they are at an age when for their rooms they don’t need that list. They know how to tidy it up and the older one can hoover. And no they don’t earn any pocket money for this.

I think this begins at home. I never want them to be the kind of husbands and partners who need their wives to give them a list of chores to do. It also helps that they see DH doing chores as well

Outside the house we have a lot of conversation about inequality, race, world politics etc. And I often make some decisions clear to them: ok you can do this super expensive music camp for a week in the summer that you are desperate to go to but then there will be two weeks at home with me working so it will be boring. Or you go to a bog standard boring camp for 3 weeks but it’s cheaper.

It also helps to get them involved in meal planning and prepping and how much things cost etc.

Finally both DH and I volunteer so they are used to seeing that. DH volunteers as a physician for homeless at a clinic, and I work with refugees/asylum seekers. For both of us this is also directly related to our day jobs. They volunteer at community based things in our neighbourhood etc.

That's the problem with our generation and back grounds. I'm the same not as much savings as you but fully have my career on track and doing everything in my power to not ever let my kids suffer but looking back and assessing. I'm fully independent can do anything all by myself yet my boys have been covered in cotton wool wouldn't even have the confidence to get a bus alone yet at their age I was getting trains on my own to another city.
I understand life was different and safe back then but mine dont have the life skills I had and do. I worry they won't be independent enough amd a little scared to do things.
How do I change that?
I don't spoil with food and treats so I know they won't be spolt as such but it's the other things and when they move out they will have times when they don't afford food etc but I'd always support them but then are we creating a rod for our own backs and making them spoilt in a way they wouldnt apprecuate the hard tines because mummy will always support them so they wont try harder. But realistically it's a normal life we should all get.
Sorry went on a rant there that probably makes no sense

It's not about spoiling them with stuff, after all, stuff is relative. 100 years ago, children would have been lucky to have enough to eat, an outfit for school, a Sunday best and a couple of toys. That doesn't mean that 50 years later when children had more they were all spoilt and doesn't mean that every kid with a lot of things is spoilt now.

But you do need to stop running around after them. It's not about letting them go hungry if they are financially struggling, but you can make them catch a bus by themselves and go to the shop without an adult, and teach them that you will help if they are stuck but not until you've seen them try.

Id focus on parenting & not use words like snobby, rich , arrogant , entitled and arrogant. 🤷‍♀️

I agree there are many young males still living at home who don't appear to recognise the amount of work it takes to provide for them. I don't agree the males have greater expectations. The demands from girls for the latest trends in clothing, cosmetics, jewellery etc far outweighs the general demands of boys.

I think the view "entitled, arrogant rich kid" in itself is rather sweeping and unrealistic.

Lots of these children you refer to, may actually have quite educated parents that have worked hard and transfer this skill
To their children to not just handout money to their children.

There are also plenty of people that may not be classified as rich that indulge their children too, resulting in entitled behaviour.

My child is from a wealthy family, earns his pocket money , has his Nike trainers as his birthday and Christmas presents, is taught to not be spoilt and wasteful, and gives back to communities where he can.

It's not just money that makes a spoilt child.

Just bear in mind that one of the greatest gifts you can help your children develop is the capacity to form meaningful, mutually supportive, non-exploitative relationships with others.

If they grow up with a poor work ethic, having found everything easy and with everything handed to them on a plate, it is likely that they will carry this attitude through to their personal relationships and so you're potentially setting them (and their future partners) up for a lifetime of unhappiness.

I tend to think many boarding dc are very confident and capable. Both my DDs went on a school exchange to South Africa when aged 13. It was for 1 term. Two dc were chosen and they travelled without parents. The idea dc cannot get on a bus is being spoilt and certainly shows a lack of skills. Yes, we paid the air fare (other DDs went to Australia and New Zealand) but being capable of doing this said a lot about them. Parents need to
prepare dc for uni and be confident dc can cope. So I would use money wisely. It’s not all about “stuff”. Life experiences can really shape a child.

I also think being the best individual
you can be makes dc happier. So aim high but be realistic. Encourage but don’t helicopter.

I agree. the most spoiled girl I knew was a housemate of mine at uni who actually came from a fairly low income family. But she'd whinge rudely at her parents if they didn't drop things off for her at uni and throw a strop if things weren't as she wanted them (eg call a house meeting because she was upset we didn't leave our doors open all the time which she felt was unfriendly). I was really surprised by this behaviour as I had totally stereotyped spoiled behaviour as being a rich kid thing! But most people are not so entitled even if from much wealthier backgrounds.

Also, OP, I think there are 2 things you are conflating maybe: 1) having good money sense, knowing what things are worth and being able to budget etc and 2) not being snobby. They are both important but can be completely unrelated. I think 1 is harder to achieve and probably entails including them in household budgeting and explaining why certain things aren't affordable (even if that means fibbing!) and also making sure they can't afford things from a young age, so they need to make choices like they can't go on a fairground ride and get candyfloss, that sort of things. However, making sure they aren't snobs is probably something that will happen if you have the right conversations with them.

I think if you are well if they can actually go
on a fairground ride and have candy floss. That’s just the way it is.

I would say that neither my DDs or their friends ever went to Disney spending £thousands. Lots of what people spend money on is choice. So is it more snobby to tour Peru or go to Disney? Both cost about the same.

Well, tbf some can go to both Disney and places like Peru, without our children becoming snobs.

@westatlanticocean In some peoples minds Peru would be the snobby destination, Disney down to earth. Maybe I should have said a week on a crewed yacht! My point was people have different views on what’s snobby and what isn’t. Obviously normal nice people can do both.

Ok fair enough. I don’t think snobbery has much to do with money. Not always anyway. It’s the parents attitude, which is not always the things you say out loud but how you act.

My dad once went to have a look at a beautiful house, dressed scruffy. The real estate agent wouldn’t look at him or even answer his questions. My dad was the only one who could buy the house in cash straight away. Which he did. Not the first time it happened either.

Oh god these stories! Like the mumsnet trope that REALLY rich people drive terrible old cars. Well, they might have a knackered looking Landy for the country but they have plenty of other nice cars

You can tell rich people these days as they are, in the main, slim and healthy looking.

I wasn’t talking about really rich people, I was talking about not having to be snobby just because you can afford certain things. Why so rude?

Uni lecturer here. IMO, nothing looks better on a graduate's CV than a part-time job while studying. Rather than give your son money, say you will double (or x3, etc) whatever they earn for themselves.

In short, don't given them anything without them also making a sacrifice.