How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

Teach gratitude and kindness above all else.

Nominal contributions for things. So if they want something fairly substantial outside of Christmas and birthday, and you are happy to buy it for them - ask them to contribute by doing something nominal but specific - a household chore, a kind act - something like that.

When they are old enough to have p/t jobs, ensure they work - even if it's just pin money. My DC have worked one or two shifts at a local place since they were 16. It's only 3/4 hours out of their weekends or one evening and earns very little, but they have learned the value of money and importance of working.

Pull up each and every judgement you hear from them. Make them questions their views. Why do you think being a binman is a terrible job? Do you think the binman is less valid than the magistrate? Why? Remind them of who the 'essential workers' actually were when we had a pandemic.

Stuff like that.

FWIW, my DH had a very poor upbringing and clawed his way out of it. He is massive on all of the above and even though they have their moments, our DC are grateful.

We have a very decent lifestyle. My DC have been given lovely things including hefty house deposits. Had they not been buying in London, the money would have bought a house outright. However money coming relatively easily doesn’t define them as people. They have both volunteered and are kind valued members of society. One volunteered for the CAB in her early 20s in a challenging location. She now works as a family barrister and anyone doing this is wanting to help clients and is usually a decent person.

I don’t get the snobbish comment. My DD1 likes music, art and museums. Plus great restaurants and clothes! It’s just interests she has developed and why not? These interests are her. Her personality. What’s important is not to dismiss others for different choices. Other DD also likes good restaurants and clothes. That doesn’t stop her being kind and a good friend.

I therefore do not think there’s anything wrong with appreciating money. Seeing a parent work in their own business certainly shows dc what work means. However dc cannot always mirror what a parent does. We live in the country and teenage work was difficult to get. They worked hard when a bit older so early work isn’t vital. It’s more about family values and guidance. Friendships and how dc see themselves matters too. Are they discerning? Are they likely to make poor choices? Be vigilant and don’t equate money and poor parenting as being the same thing. They are not.

My DDs started in state and then went to private schools. Others from primary went to grammar schools and some of these parents were the biggest snobs! At least at private school everyone is similar! Boasting is pointless. If you don’t have a trust fund for dc you aren’t that well off! So don’t worry. Good parenting and guidance matters most. Money is a side issue that makes life easier but it doesn’t make people horrible.

OP, I had to grow up fast and be responsible for my actions and for those of others from a very early age. The experience did teach me that I could not always put myself first; I had to be organised to cope; I had to prioritise and be savvy with spending.

Fortunately my children have had less challenging childhoods but, as parents, we tried to ensure the lessons above were absorbed through:

Volunteering over a long period of time and never ducking out of commitments this involved (putting others first).

Working in term time as well as holidays, and pushing for promotions, as well as keeping on top of school work (being organised).

Demonstrating and discussing that there is not a clear cut link between money and good experiences and that some things (eg tech) don't always have to be the best or 'now' (prioritising).

Obviously there are different routes to the same end goal, but this worked for our children.

Making sure they work for money from an appropriate age is key, IMO. By all means in addition to an allowance, but earning some of their money will help them not to take it for granted.

Secondly, I'd make sure they know about, and personally know people who are struggling. If your social circles end up not including people in those situations, then volunteering can help. And even just conversations. Again, just as is appropriate to the age.

And thirdly, I DO think it's good to help them if they ever mess up their finances. I really messed up mine, partly down to MH problems. My parents immediately repaid all my debt, but then expected me to pay them back. It was such a wise and kind response. I didn't need to be scared of balliffs at the door or of every phone call or letter. On the other hand I still had to pay back what I owed (with interest at the BoE rate, minus what they effectively saved in tax, IIRC).

I suspect the very fact you're concerned about avoiding this attitude, means you're already on the right tracks.

Model the behaviour yourself.

@Apolloneuro thank you - I'm definitely overthinking it 🤦‍♀️ I could also probably fill a whole other thread with survivors guilt.

Honestly there's been stuff come up on this thread that's quite triggering and flags other problems I need to deal with personally - for example, I avoid charity shops like the plague because I grew up in ill fitting, stained hand me downs picked up from charity shops (the cheapest items in there, basically) and now I can, only want to buy new. We sometimes waste food because it still seems like a novelty to pick and choose what we eat in any given day, and I won't touch anything beyond an expiration date because of mouldy food being the only option in the past. These are definitely not mindsets I want to hand on to DC, but I'm probably overthinking that too!

I feel incredibly lucky to be in the position I'm in, but also maybe still don't feel like I 'deserve' it. I also find it hard to juggle between having a good life/saving, and the near-constant requests from siblings/parents and old friends for cash to help out on essentials. In conclusion, I think I'm heading back to therapy 😂🫠

I know this isn't the point of your post, as I have no idea how the parenting happened, but my wealthiest friends are often the most generous. So definitely possible to raise people who understand their privilege and share that with those who may be less fortunate or at least don't lord it over people.

I also think snobbery is learnt from parents. You don’t become a snob just because you have money in the bank. You become a snob if that behaviour is modelled to you and if you are allowed to behave like little lord Fauntleroy.

Spoiled rich kid is just a stereotype. If you bring your child up normally, he’ll be fine.

I think this is a bit much:
yes, his job is to empty the bins! That must be hard work, but it keeps our houses clean. You could do that as an adult if you wanted to. It must be fun to ride on the back of the lorry - but I'm sure it must also be a bit stinky!
You don’t really aspire for your child to be a bin man. That’s faux inverse snobbery.
I think it’s better to say that society needs all different jobs to be done. However, that different jobs pay more money than others because they require more qualifications/skills or whatever. And if you want good qualifications, you work hard at school.

I think you're overlooking the fact that many children grow up in families that are comfortably off where they are well treated and given presents, treats and fun days out. The vast majority don't turn into snobs.

I grew up in such a family, although technically my parents didn't have a lot of excess money until I was 18 (my mother's family helped out with big purchases like a house).

My mother budgeted and we knew about that. My dad was slightly more free with spending, having grown up very poor. They talked to us about the differences in society, so we had an understanding people come from all sorts of backgrounds. They never saw themselves as better than anyone else. To this day, my dad who had a fairly high powered job, talks about how all jobs have value and contribute to society.

We brought up our children in a similar way. Their needs were paramount to us but we have taught them about not being wasteful with money, paying their own way once they had the means to do that etc. We gave them loads of experiences of days out and holidays abroad but if they wanted a toy or suchlike when it was not their birthday or Christmas, they saved their pocket money to buy it.

My children are adopted and have had information about and contact with their respective birth families. They see for themselves how other families can be very different and I always model not judging people for poor choices when you don't know what pressures etc were on them.

@HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear that sounds like a great way to deal with it if DC ever racks up a load of debt! I hope he never does of course, but I was surrounded by people who got themselves in sticky situations and always wondered how I would help DC if they did without it just being a handout.

Send them to state school and scouts (or similar) . Spend your money on environmentally friendly things and explain why. Then you will have various restrictions still. Make sure they know how to cook and do housework eg if your cleaner has a holiday or you have a gap between cleaners teach them how to do stuff.

My parents are working class but done well for themselves and I think their general attitude to life rubbed off on me and prevented any snobbyness. I also worked for my own money as soon as I was able to (paper round from 12 and a part time retail job at 16) and was never given any hand outs until it came to the big things (uni / buying a house etc) we've never had designer labels or fancy things so nothing to really be snobby about anyway.

We're not overly well off but some things we do include donating to the food bank a few times a year, and maybe at least an item whenever we food shop. Talking about charities and people who have less. I talk to people who are begging etc rather than just giving them money, which my mum always did and it showed me they're people too, often who have just fallen on hard times. I always got the impression it could happen to anyone and therefore have always been friendly and open with people rather than walking by with my eyes averted.

We're quite lucky I think in that we have friends with a swimming pool who go to private school and friends who live in council housing and sometimes have to visit the food bank because life is tough. We're in the middle somewhere but DC are seeing a range of ways to live just by virtue of the people we spend our time with. I think this helps add balance, but who knows!

I worry about this with my daughter 19 at Uni. We since she was around 10 have had decent money (prior to that there were some hairy times (living off supermarket points and counting every mile of petrol etc)

One of the best lessons was when she saved birthday money and a few other bits and bobs that came her way and we let her go shopping with her bestie in a big city with besties Mum. She spent every penny on utter crud. She came home and the next day we found her in floods of tears over not having much to show for spending so much money. It triggers long conversations about money, where it comes from, budgetting and so on. She can still be a spend thrift (she is def not a saver!) BUT she thinks about her spends, knows she likes to spend and will budget for it and has come out of her 1st yr of Uni with only the official debt nothing more, she set herself up with a decent job, prioritises working (at weekends) and sorts herself out. We give her an amount each month on top as she doesn't get full loans and it does go beyond the loan totals as she is in London. This year will really be proof of the pudding as she is free range in a flat with bills and flat mates but I have high hopes...

She has developed an obsession with tattoos though...

I got mine to do little jobs about the house so they had to earn their pocket money . If they said or did unkind things we would discuss it . I used to say : If you wouldn't like it done to you then don't do it to others. I encouraged them to think positive and stay away from negative people and situations.

@2k2j honestly I want to promote hard work etc, but I also really want to allow options for DC. If he wants to be a bin man, after exposure to as much education and options as I can give, I'm all for it!

I think ‘not making them snobs’ starts from birth, rather than as an active programme at 16? My kids are deeply privileged and want for nothing, attended private schools for 7 years but a state 6th form. They have a stable home-life and adoring extended family. However, they have been raised to understand that privilege from infancy (and god knows social media has rammed that message home without any help from me, or school-based voluntary activities and fundraising).

They've taken part in community projects regularly, seen dad coach sports clubs, me run Beaver Scouts/Brownies to demonstrate civic responsibility and meet people from different backgrounds. They understand that some of their friends (due to acrimonious divorces, parental redundancies etc) have a lot less than them and have learned to subsidise them discretely (2 for one cinema tickets or the freebies from Sky VIP, or by using their student discounts for their mates orders etc). They understand this because we talk about it - they know I grew up as the child of a single parent on free school meals until my mum remarried, and even then we struggled as my mum had MH issues that impacted whether we had food in the house… for weeks. I’ve talked about the fact that, as parents, DH & I prioritised making sure they did not go without ever and our goal is to scaffold them into independent lives where they can try to fulfil their potential - but that not all parents/families are able to do this, so we expect them to step up and work hard, and not waste the opportunity.

When they take the piss I tear a strip off them as I will not see what their father works so hard to provide being abused, resented or devalued. It’s rare that I need to, however. They’re good kids. Recognise that they live in a bit of a middle-class bubble and that they can learn a lot about life and resilience from people from other backgrounds - and that they are not ‘better’ than those people, just blessed by circumstances of birth. I hope they will be active volunteers within their communities, follow the news, and be open to friendships with people from all faiths and backgrounds as they grow up.

I also think that any tendency to snobbery will likely be quashed at uni and in the workplace… so I’d not worry about your DC unless you and her school have done nothing to teach her about the real world thus far. I’m sure you’ve done a great job and needn’t worry.

You should only provide the basics once they are in their mid-teens, and they need to get a job for anything they want beyond that. I definitely would not be funding a gap year, that's utterly ridiculous. Money for uni / education is different as that's an investment in their career, but they should still get a loan and have a job throughout. I'd prioritise giving them money for a house deposit as that is harder to save yourself. And definitely do not tell them that this money is available, until necessary (i.e, planning for university finances), and even then, never tell the amount - just say, "I can support you with £xx amount per month whilst at uni" or that you can pay the fees

I think this too and think it's far more important to do the above (which is obviously what you're already doing) than try and show them the "value" of money which can give mixed messages if it goes against what you're doing. As long as they see you being kind and emphatic and consistently valuing people for themselves and jobs as jobs and not comparing with others then it's likely they'll take the same path.

Our kids have grown up with a silver spoon shoved fairly firmly down their gullets I like this - most definitely the case for how I was brought up, and how my kids are being brought up.

It doesn't have to mean that the child is a spoilt brat, and in fact I'd say that how much money a parent actually hasn't isn't necessarily the main factor here. I see spoilt kids coming from all types family backgrounds. It's not necessarily the richest that are the worst.

I think one of the key challenges for you is that you currently buy them whatever they want. I don't agree with that, even if you can afford it. I don't buy myself whatever I want, even if I can afford it because there are other things that can be done with the money. I might want a Channel handbag - doesn't mean I should buy that rather than pay into my pension! If they get bought everything they want, it's very easy for a child to not appreciate what they actually get. This started when they were little - if they wanted a toy in a shop the general rule was no. If they had asked about the same toy every day for a month I'd have bought it.

And as they get older, the wants get bigger. I don't just buy my kids big ticket items - it's something that is discussed, we decide whether they need it, and then if it's more a want than a need they have to save up or wait for birthday/Christmas. Example is that my DD needs an ipad for school (as in school requires it). If she cracks the screen I will replace it pretty much immediately (with a lecture) even if technically I could make her carry on using it for a while. Her mobile phone was very old - she had to wait for her birthday and then got a budget (not enough for a new iPhone). Had she wanted a better phone she'd have had to combine with Christmas and/or persuaded grandparents to contribute as part of their presents to her.

The other angle is them growing up in a bubble and not knowing about the silver spoon. I actually think this one is harder and I'm really conflicted. I'm not going to take my kids around to do charity work with the 'povos' to teach them how lucky they are - to me that's really disrespectful (other people's lives aren't my teaching lessons) but I do explain to them and try and make sure they have broad experiences and can hopefully (over time) appreciate how lucky they are. I'm not sure growing up in a bubble is that terrible as well - for everyone it's hard to understand others' experiences and you often don't really appreciate what it is like until you actually share that experience. All you can do is try your best to raise kids with an open mindset, and hope you send them off into the world equipped to not be shits.

I think you have to be careful being holier than thou with the professions and saying being a bin man might be fun on the lorry, but stinky. Because I doubt you’d tell him that being a doctor might be stinky if he talked about that.

My DH has always earned plenty but like you, I didn’t want to raise entitled kids. IME you don’t give them everything they ask for. You say, “I can’t afford that right now but I get paid in two weeks”, even if you can afford it, so they learn the money has to come from somewhere - and absolutely don’t give in and buy it before “payday”. Also you make them wait to get things for their birthday or Christmas. If they want something really big (like Lego Death Star), they save up Christmas and birthday money for however long it takes. They get such a sense of achievement out of getting it themselves 😁

If they want a more expensive item like top of the range sports kit, you tell them which (mid-range) one you are prepared to pay for and ask are they willing to pay the difference from their savings. If they are, then fine (and you might not always even deduct the difference from their savings) but it’s great for them to have to weigh up how much they want the luxury item when it’s their own money on the line.

If they are careless with belongings/uniform, you let them know you can’t afford to keep replacing and if it happens again, they pay for it themselves (and follow through).

If they ever say something like “the cleaner will do it” you come down on it like a ton if bricks and how the cleaner deserves respect and cleaning up their mess isn’t what they are paid to do etc…but it sounds like you have a good handle on that kind of thing (respect for others’ jobs) already.

I would echo what others say about making sure they have part-time jobs when of an appropriate age and not letting them know about any nest eggs and house deposits until much later. I think their attitude towards money is well-formed by the latter teenage years. My two have turned out great in terms of being savers and financially responsible. Good luck!

Echoing @RaspberryBeretxx - I wouldn't over-worry about this. I grew up in pretty privileged circumstances (and also was probably a bit of a snob in my teens) but as time went on (and especially thanks to uni), it all evened out, undoubtedly thanks to having nice, thoughtful parents who encouraged us to get jobs as well as also helping out financially. They didn't make us do things like help at a foodbank but quietly did that sort of thing themselves. I am lucky enough to have had the same set of core friends for over 30 years now, and all of them had pretty privileged starts, but the ones who have struggled are the ones whose parents were, frankly, looking back, pretty selfish or (this dates me) had Thatcherite values. That your mum is living with you is sending your DC a really strong message about how to behave well in adult life.

@CautiousLurker thank you so much, this is so insightful!

It's interesting to read about teaching your children to be generous. I would really love DC to grow up generous, but without coming across with an attitude. I guess it's another thing to try and make sure I'm modelling and have conversations about.

This is slightly tongue in cheek but I think a huge factor in kids not being spoilt is a grinding customer facing service job whilst they study. There’s nothing more humbling than a Xmas in retail or waiting in a very busy low end restaurant!!

I’m from a working class background and did those jobs from 13 until I graduated. I’m now a senior manager in the civil service and regularly recruit, work with and manage graduates in entry level jobs. I can always tell who’s done a stint flipping burgers or hanging up clothes in a Primark, it shows in their work ethic and attitude towards their colleagues.