How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

I asked DC who is 21, he said the best thing we did was remind him he is not rich when he said "we were" - I'd say, well I have plenty of money and whilst I/, responsible for your costs when you are a child you'll leave home and need to buy your own house" etc. When other children (I work with children of high net worth individuals) say "we have 4 cars" or whatever I correct them - your parents do - stop being so ridiculous 😂

I think it’s very easy not to raise a spoilt child. We are financially very secure there is very little we couldn’t give to our children if we wanted to but we don’t. They have been taught the value of money from an early age despite being very privileged from an outside viewpoint (a lovely home with their ponies on site, lovely holidays every year, lots of opportunities to do what interests them etc). I grew up with very little and I think my awareness is very firmly engrained into me and I certainly think that now my kids are teens that they have a similar outlook on life. They both have a couple of friends who are very braggy/show offs and it makes them cringe. My eldest daughter starting working at 14 on Saturday morning, because she wanted certain brands which I refuse to buy (unless for Xmas/birthdays etc), so she started earning for the things she wanted), the knock on effect was that actually she doesn’t want to waste her hard earned cash, she wants to do something useful with it, she works about 15 hours a week now around college and she is saving for her first car. We could of course just buy her one but she’s more than capable of earning and doing it herself, we will add to her pot when the time comes (she doesn’t know it yet).

my youngest wants to do a gap year, again it’s not something I am willing to fund in it’s entirety so she has been squirrelling her money away for that.

our mindset has always been that if they need something that they should appreciate the fact that we are just able to go out and buy it, anything wanted waits for Xmas/birthdays or they contribute in some way.

I actually think my kids are really well grounded. I have never heard either of them behave in a braggy or entitled way, they both do appreciate how lucky they have it though.

Well I think you need to let them work and earn things for themselves you can't hand them everything or they will never feel the need to look after themselves. If you're going to help them out with deposits for a house don't tell them until they are actually buying . Instil in them that they need to work hard and be good at saving money .

Quite frankly with the current state of the NHS and the pressure my friends in healthcare are under, I'd probably prefer DC to work in rubbish collection than be a doctor 😂

Seriously though, we discuss careers a lot (because I'm fascinated by all the options I didn't know about!) and try and hit at least one negative/one positive on each. So finance = good money, but long hours. Doctor = doing good, ok money, lots of stress and pressure to do the right thing. Service industry = hard work, not much money, but good to 'fit in' between other commitments like studying/family. Obviously this is all childproofed right now (hence 'stinky!' 😂) but I think I'm doing ok with this part!

one thing thats helped a family member, she knows that her kids can have whatever they want.. but they dont know, she makes them save up there pocket money and budget for things that isnt xmas or birthday presents, she tells them if they save up half then she will pay the other half for them but that they can earn the money through doing chores and doing nice things for each other and being kind etc when they go to pay half she just puts it in there bank account as savings for them

oh also she has taught them to always check prices on things and not just go for the most expensive because often they taste just the same or sometimes the cheaper ones are even better haha

@rrrrrreatt I love this! I started my career in retail and worked up before switching to corporate, it was always a shock to interview people for 'shop floor' roles who'd never done it before. The assumption that it's so easy and all you have to do is give the customer what they want and you'll be fine 😂

And yes, now in the corporate/tech world, seeing those who've never done it and think it's easy always makes me shudder!

Yeah as some people have mentioned it is about values rather than objects. I grew up quite well off - holidays every school holiday and family days out and a lovely house. Although I never had the latest gadgets or trends, that would have been considered a waste of money and I understood that. I was always really sensitive about my relative privilege with my peers and never took it for granted. My parents are very left leaning though, we always understood the value of everything and appreciated it. But I can't say my parents were ever harsh about teaching money lessons or anything.

We are similar and I actually think you just need to be yourself - the fact you care about this issue speaks to who you are. The kids who are snobs are snobs as its learnt behaviour from their parents.

There would be no reason to raise a spoiled snob if you are not one yourself. Modelling your own values, explaining your own choices about money, investments (age appropriate), and shopping will have a natural effect.

I do tend to give my kids whatever they ask for if I have it, but if I don't, I'd explain why. I think we foster a collective feeling of 'family' so you don't want any one person to go without, but also that everyone can contribute, even if it's just by earning a little in a part-time job. I don't take that money from them, but it eases the overall budget of the family if each person takes on their own responsibilities and if they want extra stuff like a holiday with friends.

I think these things develop over time, and if I feel there's a moment of ingratitude, or expectation which is unreasonable, pull back a little.

Also, remember that entitlement isn't just about money, it's about time. Your own energy is a precious resource and I don't like to see mums making themselves ill running after their children, although at times I've done that myself.

There's no golden ticket, it's more a question of bringing up your child to be reflective and to discuss things. I also think it is very important they realise you are a person too, with your own needs, monetarily and energywise and so they need to take you into account as a person when asking for things, I do see adult children who don't treat their mums very nicely and this upsets me.

If I'm completely truthful, I see the entitledness in adult children more strongly with male children, they don't seem to appreciate their mums nearly as much as girls do sometimes, though I do know some pretty demanding young women as well. Knowing it's ok to push back is also important for their emotional development.

There's a really good online comic called 'On a Plate' by Toby Morris that illustrates the differences in opportunities for comfortably off children and low-income household children.

I think it all depends on how it's done. You can make sure that the kids know that being born into a financially secure family is pure luck and doesn't make them better or special in any way, just as having had a tough upbringing doesn't make you 'worse' in any way. You could add that being set up with a house deposit and good education only goes so far, and the ways that they manage their money and working life will have far more effect on their long term situation. I don't mean go on and on about it, just show that this is how you see it and they will pick up your attitude.

I've met kids from very well-off backgrounds who were lovely and humble and I've met kids from poor backgrounds who were obsessed with designer brands and money. It's not about money, it's about the values you raise them with.

I agree with this , certainly worked for us as neither of our adult children is entitled or snobby and both are very financially savvy .

Sure-but that needn’t involve gawping at the poor people so you can appreciate how lucky you are. Absolutely donations, charity walks, helping at an animal shelter-there are loads of things you can do-but getting kids to be around poor people ‘so they know how lucky they are’ is quite frankly patronising.

We are financially very secure with a lovely house and can afford nice holidays, private schooling, financial support for DC at uni, savings for them etc. I am very aware that I don't want to raise them as spoiled brats and work consistently to make them aware of the realities of life. And also to make them aware that whilst our income is because DH and I have always worked hard (though DH is the high earner), different jobs pay different levels of income, and it's entirely possible to have a hugely important job that actually pays, financially, very little. And that everyone has a role to play in society and all roles are valuable in different ways.

Within reason we could afford to buy our DC whatever they wanted but we don't. Eldest is at uni so has monthly maintenance allowance, younger two have weekly pocket money which they can save towards bits and pieces they want to buy. Anything big has to wait for a birthday or Christmas unless they save up for it. Eldest DC was encouraged to find paid summer work but struggled to get anything (various interviews but turned down, has ASD/ADHD and sadly is very easily overlooked for roles when there are so many more outgoing, confident young people available) so we suggested he find volunteer work instead. And he's spent his summer working regular shifts in a local charity shop. Middle DC is about to start D of E so will be doing volunteer work too.

I think it is really important that DC understand how privileged they are and not just financially - privilege extends beyond money and possessions. We talk a lot about privilege and what it means. If you're naturally clever, you're privileged; if you're naturally good looking, you're privileged. If you have a secure family unit, happy parents, strong friendships, good role models to look up to, you're privileged. If you are given support with your education - whether that's private school, a range of extra curricular activities or simply a family member who gives you time and support to get your homework done, or helps you put together a GCSE revision timetable, or makes you a hot chocolate, prepares a pile of snacks and gives you a big hug when you're stressed about an essay deadline - you're privileged. So many children don't have anything like that kind of support even if they're technically financially privileged.

I hope I'm raising my boys as compassionate and fair-minded. Certainly my eldest (20yo) is very socially aware and conscious that he is very lucky (whilst also very much enjoying the nice holidays etc!) and that with that privilege comes responsibility. I would be absolutely mortified if I caught any of mine 'bragging' about what we have.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it too much! Are you actually rich rich or regular comfortable? There's a huge difference between kids that get multiple properties and cars and businesses bought for them to run, as opposed to just being helped with education, house deposit when the time is right, having nice things growing up. You sound sensible!

@HesterRoon I agree with you. It makes the poor look like they are being used. My DC went to private school and were happy with their friends. No one actively sought out poorer people to go and associate with. I find intelligent people know this anyway. They can understand others have a tougher life. Volunteering in a CAB gets first hand knowledge of this but it’s actually practical help. Not just visiting poverty. DDs can was equipped with staff panic buttons and clients often had a fight at the cab. She was 22/23 when she started. She also was a call operative for a women in crisis centre. Money from parents doesn’t stop dc doing things.

However we prioritised learning over work when dc were teens and at uni. They had enough money for their needs. They didn’t work but started volunteering. As teens, we tbought their knowledge of the world and world challenges was better for them than being paid by Tesco. They get jobs soon enough and free hours are now precious as they are adults. DD1 certainly earns well because she’s well educated!

Working as a teen would make no difference to anything. Getting the high grades did. So education and a broad education are better in my view. Let dc who need the money have the jobs. I suspect that’s not a popular view and will be seen as elitist but you don’t have to work all the time to be a decent person and education really matters. Some degrees are very full on too!

Honestly there's been stuff come up on this thread that's quite triggering and flags other problems I need to deal with personally - for example, I avoid charity shops like the plague because I grew up in ill fitting, stained hand me downs picked up from charity shops (the cheapest items in there, basically) and now I can, only want to buy new.

Yes, I think this is the kind of thing you have to be careful about. I totally see why you buy new. But it would be so easy to unthinkingly say “oh no we don’t buy from charity shops” or even “charity shops are useful for people who need them” and your DC translates that in to “charity shops are beneath us”. I mentioned that we get and give hand me downs - my DC are at state school in a well off area. There is a thriving culture of handing stuff on, I would be surprised if there are any kids who don’t have at least some secondhand uniform. But a good friend of mine is in a much less privileged area nearby and says her kids would get bullied if she bought secondhand. That’s the kind of thing that makes me say that income is absolutely not the key driver in snobbery.

Don't tell them you have money stashed away. Make them work and earn it. I have a family member who gave her only child 250k as a deposit. A few years later she sold house, went travelling around world, and when she'd run out of money wanted more. She's barely ever worked.

I think the best thing you can do is give them their own money and let them budget. It can be a lot of money if that's how you want to do it - but then make it cover everything so they don't get used to an ever flowing tap of cash / stuff whenever they want it.

They get used to eg saving / treats / the value of stuff if they have to pay for it themselves.

Leave things that they want but don’t need for Christmas and birthdays only. Exception can be smaller items that they get by doing good schoolwork, chores, exceptionally good behaviour etc - needs met by default, but nothing else comes for “free” iyswim.

Get them to get a part time job at 16 and through university. Do not tell them about the money you have for them until the time comes, so it’s more of a surprise than a “I don’t need to think about those things because mum will just get them for me”, and lots of reminders about how little some other children have so that they are conscious not to brag etc.

THIS! Children are learning from characters like Mr Beast and so on that it's acceptable to use poor people as props. We all know someone who went off to do voluntourism on their Gap Yah and came back even more entitled than they started off, or the middle class family constantly hassling you to sign up to their sponsored-something whilst retaining a complete lack of awareness or empathy for others.

This is a difficult one and hat's off to you for Turning your life around, well done 👏

I think you are right to consider materialism when raising children. It's only natural to want to give your children what you never had when growing up. The trouble imo is when they become overindulged and subsequently become disgruntled when their expectations are not met. A good example of this is on occasions such as birthdays or Christmas when often they get far too much & not only from parents. In the worst case scenario it can become a competition to see who gives the best and the most expensive gift on the day.

The day children ungratefully throw a gift to the side, especially if they open the parcel in front of the person who offered it, is the day they need taken in hand with a few lessons In life. Reactions like this are not the fault of the child so it's up to the parents to address the situation by changing the rules regarding gifts.

You sound as if you are doing a wonderful job OP in raising children who appreciate they are in a privileged position, while recognising the need to be kind and thoughtful of others less fortunate.