How do I not raise a spoiled snob?

[WhatToDo1234567]

Inspired by the recent thread on what lives their children will be able to afford...

Pretty outing so I'll spare some details, but I had a horrendous childhood. Raised in a run down, neglected council home by a SAHP on benefits with huge mental health issues. Did most of the housework/raising of my younger siblings, including worrying about budgeting the few ££ left after alcohol spends and how to make it stretch to actual meals. Well versed in convincing bailiffs to leave us alone etc.

Fast forward 20 years, I've left that life behind (mostly! Said parent is now living with us for various outing reasons, but it's fine). I've climbed the corporate ladder, had an unplanned but wonderful DC solo, brought a house, have savings. Life is good!

I'm going to have savings for DC to go to Uni/gap year/whatever they want to do, as well as a hefty house deposit, and I plan to take great joy in providing them with whatever they need (provided they keep a sensible head on their shoulders!)

However... how do I ensure they doesn't turn into an entitled, arrogant rich kid? Honestly I've never worried about this because I've been so focused on making sure the money is there should they need it. Currently they get whatever they ask for within reason (sometimes waiting til Christmas/birthday, but oftentimes not) - they're primary aged and so far don't seem insufferable, actually the opposite - thankful and kind and generous with the things they have! But I am suddenly ultra aware this could change 😂

So... if you have/had enough money to 'spoil' your kids but they turned out ok, how did you make sure it didn't get out of hand? What financial lessons did you teach? Did you deliberately not help when they got into sticky financial situations so they could learn?

I have just posted on that thread, I grew up very poor.

DS has had a childhood of fabulous holidays and running round DH great grandparents house that had a few acres. Nothing like my poverty stricken one.

He was however expected by me to get a job asap. DH grew up wealthy and was not bothered but I knew it would be good for DS. So at 13 he had a paper round, then worked as a kitchen porter in a bistro pub when in 6th form and then as a freight handler for two years as he finished his A levels in covid. He is now on a degree apprenticeship. He has zero idea we have money set aside for a house deposit and a wedding for him. He had to do chores for pocket money, no chores no money. He is 23 and is close to having enough money for a deposit already. We taught him about investing from very young. DH and I worked in higher education so decent salaries but not six figure corporate world ones. We had luck with investments though and both started very young as teenagers before we knew each other.

Amongst your parent friends, the veneer of good manners often disguises their true nature but as the kids get older you do get a glimpse into what gets said at home.
"We only buy BMWs"
"A home is really about the people"
"My cousin has a bigger house but mummy says..."

There's a point when the kids are a bit unguarded so unwittingly they echo what they over hear.
You will be fine.

It sounds like you're doing a good job, OP. I think you're overthinking it because of the contrast to your difficult childhood. Really, you have just worked hard to give your own kid a nice, secure and hopefully happy childhood. It isn't anything you need to correct! I agree with the poster who said that children pick up their values from their parents, so just keep talking to him.

My two are late teens / early twenties, and I’m often told by others what lovely young women they are. I agree completely but then I would be biased 😁. They have so far had what many would call a privileged upbringing, although they’re not the most indulged kids I’ve known.

I think it’s all about balance, really. You want to bring them up to not fear money yet at the same time ensure they understand the value of it. You want them to not feel discomfort but at the same time they need to be aware of the comforts that they do have. Eg we have always been very prepared to spend money on things we deem to be of value, and not waste it on frivolities and I think they’ve picked up on that. For example, this year we prioritised home improvements over a luxury holiday. They know that and were happy to come along on a simple one. Sure we could have borrowed the money but we told them that would be stupid and we should cut our cloth accordingly. Similarly, they were given driving lessons and a decent car to drive however the car is to share. They don’t need one each. Again, we’ve explained that and they understand that. We paid for them to have private tuition / university and they understood the importance we placed on that, knowing that it’s cost us money. Things like making sure they understand not to spend too long in the shower every morning, because it’s expensive and bad for the environment. Or to waste food.

Sorry if the above sounds a bit joyless, we do have a lot of fun too! Sure we’ve always had the ‘meals and days out’ kind of fun but similarly we’ve always tried to sit together as a family for meal times and if we’re at a loose end one evening might break out the board games 😄.

Talking about feelings and thoughts, world issues, psychology, films, books, history, cultures etc has always been a priority. Visiting cultural places such as museums, galleries and NT houses has always been high on the list.

Both have had jobs since 14 as cleaners or servers. This has been essential for their development in so many ways - learning to work in a team, to work hard, to resolve problems and to earn money has been invaluable to them.

Also op, the choice of school that your dc goes to will massively influence them as they pick up almost as much from peers’ attitudes as parents as the get older.

I wouldn't just hand them a gap year budget- I'd be happy to match or give a larger percent of what they can earn towards it. They need to learnt the value of effort and boring work. A basic part time job before uni definitely helps with this whether that's mucking out stables/ waiting tables/ shop work etc.

I'd also make them a functioning part of the household so they don't take things for granted and appreciate cleaners etc.

Most importantly you have to show them how to treat people, interact with everyone and treat them and their profession with respect whether your in private at home or put in public. If you stay in a hotel, don't just leave rubbish on the floor "for the maid" as one girl I shared with did!

It’s about making choices with money and showing that you’ve done that and that’s why we have nice things. My dd wants every piece of tat going lol but we discuss choices, yes mummy could buy a coffee every day, but I’d rather save it and get a nice candle at the end of the week (silly examples to illustrate) the old saying of save the pennies. Teach them to not fritter money or they won’t have the money you’ve worked hard to save. Hard to save easy to spend! To add you aren’t denying them - just making them aware of choices, give say £10 spending money on a day out, what will you choose

I think most children mirror their parents' behaviour. I have met DD's friends who have multi millionaire parents but are sweet and thoughtful because that's the way their parents are. Then there are those who boast about getting £50 for pocket money today and how rich they are because their parents are constantly on whose house is bigger and more expensive.

I think if you're giving thought to this your child will probably be fine. 😃

I'd let him spend his own money on things when you can. I really noticed with mine that he would want something if I was paying, but if it was a case of spending his own money, he would very likely decide that thing he wanted wasn't actually worth the money after all. I also echo what others have said, about encouraging him to get a job. DS was becoming a bit of a snob about the kind of work he would be willing to do. However he wants to learn to drive, and run a car, and I'm not prepared to entirely fund that for him. He now has a minimum wage job, alongside college, and is really enjoying it, and has learned a lot from it.

I went to school with a lot of spoiled rich kids. The spoiled ones had very immature parents. I remember being dropped home by a new friends mum and her asking me if I live in a really tiny house (we lived in a semi). I was shocked by how rude she was and that her mum didn’t correct her.

I also remember being made fun off because my parents could only afford one holiday a year (we went to America or Canada or France every year and I was embarrassed🙈).

your child may have a lot more than their friends - but as long as they have compassion and understanding that money doesn’t determine a persons value then they will fine.

and remember no matter how rich you are there will always be people richer! Your child may be a lot more fortunate than most but they will come across other very wealthy children who will look down on them!

Your kids will pick a lot of this up from you. If you don't behave like a spoiled snob, and are genuinely grateful for what you have in life, and kind, generous and sympathetic towards others, then your kids will grow up that way too.

Another fan of part time jobs here. My DS worked one day per weekend in a cafe from age 14, more during school holidays and full-time before uni and in uni holidays. I mentioned workplace pensions when he was 17, lo and behold a few weeks later the paperwork arrived! He’s still paying into his pension now at 21 despite changing jobs and still being below the statutory minimum age.

I’m similar to you, in that I’m a single parent but earn far more money than my Mum did when I was a child. I’m not rich, but we’re comfortable.

Firstly, I don’t tell my kids the full truth. For example, DS1 is 19, passed his driving test 18 months ago, and would like a car. He doesn’t actually need one, especially as he’s at uni in a city where parking is a nightmare. I have some savings - not loads but some - and I could afford to buy him a car. But I don’t want to, because you never know when the money might be needed for something else, but also because I want him to buy his own car. So I haven’t told him about my savings, and he is saving up himself.

Secondly they know I think carefully about how I spend my money. I never just bought them all the toys they wanted, but made them think carefully about what was a priority, what they really wanted etc. They knew that if they really wanted a particular Lego set I would buy it, but not if it was just passing whim.

Thirdly I’ve talked a lot about waste. It’s a waste of money to order too much food and not eat it all, or buy something expensive but never use it, or get a taxi for a 5 minute walk. I think that’s taught them to think before spending.

My elder son has developed a strong work ethic, he’s earned about £3k this summer, so he can put it towards his car and holiday fund. My younger son plans to start a part time job as soon as he’s old enough.

OP I think your difficult childhood has probably made you paranoid about your son being snobby. In reality it’s quite easy to give your kids much of what they want without them turning into snobs.

One thing that has helped our teenagers is to give them an allowance once they reach 13 or 14 so they are responsible for their spending on clothes and extras like meals with friends. We still pay for school uniform and regular activities like sports.

It really makes them think twice about buying the Nike Pros or whatever because they have to pay for it. Before the allowance there was a lot more nagging and guilt tripping!

Being spoilt, arrogant and entitled is about values, not objects.

In our house (getting by ok, not wealthy) we never overly revere material goods. Don’t worship or acknowledge ‘brands’, value home made and putting in some work e.g making a cake not buying. Acknowledging effort, encouraging resilience. Giving opportunities to enjoy a sense of genuine achievement following effort.

Awareness of others, appreciating our good fortune that we have the ability and resources to put in the effort and be ok. Modelling generosity, empathy. Let them see you help a parent lift a pushchair on to a bus, or an older person’s luggage on to the rack. Small considerations on a daily basis.

Take part from time to time in community events and initiatives: charity events, or whatever.

I would definitely say 'no' when you could say 'yes' sometimes. There's great value in learning that you can't have everything and that things need to be earned or saved/budgeted for. Make pocket money chore dependent and if he wants stuff outside of Christmas/Birthdays, he can buy it himself (save the occasional treat obviously!).

I'd keep the house quiet until he's much older. Don't let him go through life knowing he doesn't need to work hard because it's all waiting for him on a plate. Let him work hard first and then tell him you can contribute to a house.

You teach them that they have what they have due to your incredible hard work. The spoiled kids I knew tended to have no visibility into how hard their parents worked to provide them with that lifestyle. Making the graft and money connection explicit is helpful.

@BlossomToLeaves I love this!! Actually funnily enough I adore theatre and have taken DC to a few which he's LOVED, but because of age restrictions we haven't been frequently at all. I may try and keep this to a rare treat going forward to keep the magic alive 💫

Give pocket money and holiday money as cash. They can see it, handle it, coun it, save it and spend it.

And they learn what “when it’s gone, it’s gone “ really means.

A card and bank account doesn’t work the same for young minds.

One thing I’d recommend is educating in the state sector.

Without wearing a sack cloth and ashes, I’d also regularly, in their company, put things into food banks at the supermarket etc.

In my experiences as a teacher, your child won’t be an entitled prig if you’re not. Nice kids have nice parents and vice versa. You sound lovely, so I’m sure your child will be fine.

And spend with cash yourself, too. They can see the exchange of value.

Eventually, you will have to talk about the shop computer talking to your bank computer and value exchange that way. But learn via cash first.

Bear in mind, most kids who grow up with decent resources don't turn into spoilt snobs. I think you need to treat them things have value and good things need to be earned, that they are lucky, that they don't get to demand things. Just because they can.

Also that there are many factors that make other people's lives harder than theirs and they deserve sympathy and support. Watching the news and discussing it and do on.

I think you are doing a cracking job and I understand where you're coming from. There nothing wrong with having standards. You haven't perpetuated your parents lifestyle and that's your choice, keep going.x

This

Make sure you don’t always say yes to them. One of my DC went through a phase of asking for a treat every time we went out. I could easily afford it but said no on principle, and explained why.

And when appropriate explain your beginnings and how you got where you are now. My kids are bored of hearing how DH grew up in a tiny council house and how his dad had a very hard life as a coal miner!

Congratulations on your success OP. You sound like a great mum with good self-awareness and empathy. I think your DC will be fine.

I grew up in a well off household and received financial support well into adulthood. But it was made clear that I was expected to work hard and that I was extremely lucky and should be aware others were not so lucky. I think I learnt those lessons, so it's not inevitable that your child will be spoiled.