How can I make this the best Christmas ever for 18YO (Trigger Warning, not the jolly thread it seems)

[JingleMells]

I haven't posted this in Christmas because I don't think it fits there.

My DS is having a really bad time, mentally and revealed he is suicidal. He's getting support from GP and has medication but he told me that he originally was going to make an attempt on his life in Summer but he wanted to make it to Christmas because he "bloody loves Christmas" :(

It's difficult because he is of an age where alot of things like Santa and Panto are too young for him.

But I want to make it the best Christmas ever because it obviously means alot to him and is an anchor in keeping him here 😭

Any ideas?

He's also not super materialistic so it's not like it's all about the pile of expensive presents.

I have not been in your exact position, but similar enough to understand. In 2017 DD1 was 16 and in the grip of anorexia that very nearly killed her. She was hospitalised and tube fed in the October. When she was at her lowest point in hospital what gave her the will to keep going was planning Christmas that year. We bought Christmas magazines and looked up crafts online from hospital. We planned to have fireworks on NYE if she was home by then and Chinese lanterns (both will horrify most Mumsnetters but needs must).

BUT you need to do all this hand in hand with some really good professional mental health support. And not build one day up so much that everything falls flat afterwards.

You could make the cake and pudding and mincemeat soon.

I would concentrate on doing things together. Perhaps get him to pick 24 activities and write them on paper and you put them in a home made advent calendar. You pick which goes where. Just things like making popcorn, playing a favorite board game, watching a favourite film.

We made a wreath that year (and have continued to do so since) with ivy and holly and greenery from our garden.

Roasting chestnuts.

Make and write Christmas cards even if you don’t normally.

Make paper chains.

Get him to do a Christmas play list.

Support a local food bank and get him to choose the food.

Go to a Carol concert.

Walk around your neighbourhood if it’s safe and see the lights in the evenings.

Do him an old fashioned stocking for him with tightly wrapped treats in it (reslly novelty items; look on Etsy and eBay, not just token things like pants and soap to fill it up).

A Christmas jigsaw

National trust houses often have lovely Christmas events.

An Advent candle.

Do not rule out a steam train or panto. If he likes Christmas he probably likes the childish aspects of it.

Really importantly I would ensure you have a plan for when it’s over. Maybe do 12 days of Christmas so you have a gentle come down after. Nice food. Walks. Together time. Make some plans for the next Christmas. Write a list of what the best bits were and promise yourselves you will repeat them.

I really feel for you OP and your DS. My DD is well now and has graduated and started teacher training. But there were times in 2017 we honestly thought she was going to die. Sending you love and strength.

A lot of thoughtful answers.
This actually made me a bit moved, I sincerely
hope the lad is alright. At his age, my Christmas was spent with emotionally abusive parents
(in another country) with father regularly screaming about hating the festive time. 🤡
Now 46, I would like to do something similar for my (three decades older) husband.
Damn, I feel a little jealous, even! 😁
All the best to your son and yourself, OP.

OP you are putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to make this the perfect Christmas for him. Everyone on here could list 100 things that you could do but what is important is what you all enjoy/want as a family. Have you asked him what he loves about Xmas? What does he want to do/what ideas does he have?

Doing things yourself if great for your mental health so I think if you take on too much you are removing any sense of control he will have over how he wants his Xmas and any self esteem he would get from doing something. If he says he enjoys baking maybe then ask if he wants to be in charge of deciding which christmas cake recipe to use or what baked items you will have this year. Each kid gets a different responsibility so he isn't singled out and it doesn't all become about him as that could make him feel worse.

I 100% understand why you are so desperate to make it perfect but take the pressure off Xmas which is one day. This is the time to get him exited in terms of planning it but also to focus on getting himself some therapy and professional support he and you all need as a family. The organisation MIND is worth looking into as a starting point. They may be able to advise you how to support him.

Would he help you with the planning? Something to get him involved?
A christmas planner might be good. We list what worked, what we could do without, new ideas - planning for the next year.

How about setting a little competition to find the tackiest Christmas themed item online ? You could both do a top twenty and then compare ?

Hi op,

Firstly, huge hugs to you, and sending really strong positive vibes for to your ds... I cant imaginevthe turmoil you are in, and the turmoil your ds is in.

I note your comments that your ds wont want crowded events.

Depending were you live, if you go to events or places mid week before the school holidays start, would they be quieter? For example more north England there is Stockeld Park, Chatsworth house, Castle Howard, places that do beautiful Christmas wintery events.

One thing my friend did last year, whih looked amazing but was a bit of quiet time over Christmas, was to get white chalk pens and plan lovely decorations that she drew on the windows.. there was a contribution to making her home festive, it was something productive that people could admire and looked wonderful. Would that be something he might like to try?

Would going out together to go mad with buying garlands etc, to really mae the house a cost festive space help at all?

Best wishes to your ds, I hope he can continue to battle these difficult times x

I am really sorry that you are both going through this.
You've had lots of wonderful suggestions on here. 💙
What about planning for the time after Christmas, so that you both have something to look forward to and it might prevent a dip after the Christmas period is over.
If able, could you plan to go away for a few days? Even a uk costal trip can be amazing in winter & obviously not overcrowded. A cottage near the beach in Norfolk (Wells-next-the-sea) or Suffolk (Southwold) could be nice.
I would be conscious about gently encouraging him to plan things for the New Year, as a way of him having things to look forward to. A nice present from you could be a diary for 2025 where you plan/write in activities to do together on certain dates through the year. You might base these on the suggestions from this thread that have been the most successful. You could also add things into the diary that have some value like a yearly membership to something he likes or tickets to something on a certain date or cheaper treats like a Costa coffee card.
Please do make sure that you access help to support you to support your son. You are both living with this and I can't imagine how hard it must be.
Sending hope and good wishes.

Rewatch favourite Christmas films
Make real hot choc with melted chocolate
Visit Starbucks for the red cups and festive menu
Advent calendar
Make vin chaud in the slow cooker
Personalised Christmas mug with his name on it
Start a Christmas jigsaw on 1st Dec and do a bit each night.
Some Christmas light walks have quieter sessions with restricted capacity
Visit a NT property - they’ll all be decorated
Put some fairy lights or candles around the house
Ice skating - these sometimes have quiet sessions too
Make new decorations for the tree - maybe get photos printed onto baubles
Hot mince pies straight from the oven
Take him shopping to choose his fave Christmas snacks
Do you have a Christmas train near you?
Go to the local cathedral for a carol concert
Spotify playlist in the car or at home
New Christmas jumper, socks, pjs…
Open a selection box as soon as they hit the shops just because.
Involve him in planning the day - games, food, TV, all of it.
Early Christmas dinner in a local pub with a roaring fire.
Roast chestnuts one evening or make s’mores.

I suspect you might be a bit worried about the lull after Christmas, so how about doing a 12 day of Christmas calendar, going from Christmas Day to Epiphany? Last year, I decided I was tired of the teen of the house I was living in woofing down the chocolate calendar in the first day, so I took control and had a series of numbered bags each containing a pair of new socks... I bought packs from Sainsburys, TK Maxx, M&S Practical and fun... you could do pants and socks. How about seeing if The Nutcracker is being streamed at your local cinema, bit more grown up than panto, but you know there is nothing wrong with being an adult at the panto, either.

Start the big jigsaw on Boxing Day, you will want to see that through, and start planting bulbs for Christmas and the New Year. Also think about reading short stories aloud to each other, from a Christmas Carol to Agatha Christie and the the Tolkien Christmas letters to his children.

As others have said, ask what makes it special to him and what he would want to pass on to his children in time, or if there was something he has always thought would be good fun to do.

A trip.
Post UK Christmas you could have something to look forward to and to celebrate again..

www.onmanorama.com/travel/outside-kerala/2021/01/09/chirstmas-celebration-in-january-countries.amp.html

This isn't related to the Xmas ideas but a suggestion to keep communication channels open. When my brother was struggling I used to send him a '?" Via whatsapp every morning and he would send me emojis back to let me know if it was a good day, average day, bad day or really bad day. He wasn't a great communicator but it really helped us to understand where his head was at each day and behave accordingly. He would never have been able to find the words to tell me otherwise.

I don’t know where you live, but places like Kew Gardens have beautiful light installations all over and it wouldn’t be as crowded as Xmas markets.

On Xmas you probably don't need to change much, it sounds like you've already made some very happy memories for him and that's why he loves it so much :-)

Does he like Lego? Bit pricey but the home alone set is really cool and might be nice to do together if he likes the films; lots of little details which spark good memories for me

@JingleMells I hope you find the answer you are looking for and I wish you and your son the very best, it's so difficult navigating a nt world when you are not, just being there for him and being his advocate always, that's all I ever wanted.

I agree, it would be nice to give him something to enjoy and look forward to in the post Xmas period.

@JingleMells deep breath. He already loves your Christmas- you don't need to change it. Maybe a quiet afternoon with carols on making a wreath the two of you, or doing a gingerbread house. Mine like a chilled walk to collect holly for the house. Some of the suggestions here sound like they might be a bit overwhelming for him.
What I'd probably suggest is maybe a couple of nights away somewhere lovely in Jan/Feb to look forward too? I know a gorgeous place in Yorkshire with wood fired hot tubs and glamping pods. Dark skies, hot water and quiet!

When my dad was going through a cancer diagnosis I made them a personalised advent calendar of things they liked.

Cans of their favourite drinks, chocolate, Christmas decorations with pictures of the grandkids, silly socks. All very personalised so they knew I cared.

I bought festive coloured paper bags from Amazon to put the items in.

They absolutely loved it.

Start volunteering at a homeless shelter and sign up for Christmas shifts.

@ThisGreyPanda you sound like a lovely sister, that's a great idea to communicate with someone who finds it difficult. Your sibling is very lucky.

I think a PP mentioned National Trust type light trails - not sure where in the country you are but we did this a couple of years ago at Westonbirt Arboretum https://premier.ticketek.co.uk/shows/show.aspx?sh=LANDCWT&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwooq3BhB3EiwAYqYoEr_JX5hoqULS8USWSyBfWFlXQLg6YOE9gkeVQKU0Qfr5Ascurpp9aRoCT8UQAvD_BwE and it was magical. They have an Xmas village/market too. Not too busy either as it's a ticketed event and numbers are limited.

The Longleat Christmas Festival of Light looks good too although I haven't been yet myself.

Other than that it sounds like just replicating some traditions from his childhood (panto, making decorations and cards and other crafty things, all decorating the tree together), the advent calendar idea, making a wreath, food based stuff like Xmas pudding or cake (if he likes that - it should be made well in advance so around now is probably about right), gingerbread men, mince pies, fancy hot chocolate etc. Going shopping for Xmas pyjamas, bedding and gifts.

I think stuff like the logo sets are a great idea but would personally give those kind of things to him as an Xmas gift, to give him something to focus on during January.

Also - I know nothing I can say will really make you feel better but I was very like your son at around 16/17. Extremely depressed, severe mental health issues, suspected autism and openly suicidal. My mum only recently told me how terrified she was at that time that she was going to lose me. I made it through - please believe your DS can too. Sending much strength and love to you x

And forgive me for chucking an idea out there on a whim - does he have a dog? Personal experience that it can really, really help.

OP I rushed in with a lot of suggestions and forget to send any actual support. What you’re doing is amazing. My DH get close to the edge sometimes and loves Christmas so I’m trying to plan one Christmas trip every weekend in December.

The first thing I’ve booked is a lights walk at a local castle followed by dinner in a pub. Secretly hoping they’ll have the full turkey & trimmings on the menu.

I find with DH it’s the idea that he’s missing out because he’s not feeling great that makes him even lower. So my main plan is just to try and make him feel like he’s participating in the Christmas spirit.

I did try booking Hogmanay as a way to carry the festive spirit through but Edinburgh prices are eyewatering!!!!

Enjoy the planning!

Would he like Christmas at Centre Parcs?