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Original poster

How to manage grandchild situation

199 replies

Blueflipflops · 27/08/2024 07:53

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

OP posts:
PolitePearlMoose · 27/08/2024 07:55

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

mitogoshi · 27/08/2024 07:58

Little and often, I know I was like that as a little one! Don't approach, Croucher down to his level, perhaps bring a tiny toy or comic maybe, and see if he'll approach you, speak less and softly. Also stop the blame, some dc are shy

Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon · 27/08/2024 07:59

Oh my, that sounds so upsetting for you as you clearly want to do lovely things with the little fella.

I would just get him used to you being in his presence. No fuss, no comments, no trying to coax him, just carry on about your business there with his mum and dad.
Drink your tea, conversation, chat as usual.
Just be a regular part of his environment and he will come round as he gets older and used to you.
Bigger picture, in a years time, you will be pushing him on the swings, I bet!

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Families
jokish · 27/08/2024 08:00

You don’t have a right to a relationship with him just because he is your grandchild.

Oh come on, that's really not the natural order of things is it!

Shitlord · 27/08/2024 08:00

Have they said they're not socialising him? Jack might simply be overwhelmed by the travel, new accommodation, people and setting. He's only tiny. I'd persevere overall but ask your son and Dil how best to manage the pace.

flowergirl24 · 27/08/2024 08:01

Sounds normal to me. All my DC were incredibly clingy to me until this age.

If you give it time, it might work. Don’t ask too much in their presence. Next time the child comes over, sit down on the floor with some toys and let them come to you when they are ready. Do not make too much eye contact and let it all be child led.

Also, don’t be critical of the child’s parents. That could create an atmosphere which will only make it worse.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 27/08/2024 08:01

Just be gentle when you see him, say hello Jack with a smile, then just talk to his mum and Dad normally. If the parents don't mind give him a little present when you visit, but don't expect anything in return, just say hello Jack I bought you this I hope you like it and then carry on normal conversation with the parents. He has had a big change in his life a new country and is it a new language? A lot to cope with if he's a shy, sensitive little boy.

FatmanandKnobbin · 27/08/2024 08:02

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

You have no idea, and this attitude absolutely stinks.

His whole life has been uprooted and filled with strangers, his mum is his only constant.

You could try calling, video chatting, read stories and film yourself so his parents can play it to him, there's lots you can do if you choose to put in the effort.

ComealongMartha · 27/08/2024 08:02

Give him time, he’s 2 and moved countries. That’s huge!

I know it must be hard for you but I would be led by him/his parents. It will happen.

MidnightPatrol · 27/08/2024 08:05

Young children are often anxious around strangers.

Mine is generally outgoing but haaaaates if someone they don’t know tries to pick them up.

It’s very noticeable how they warm up more quickly if someone sits on the floor near them, looks at one of their books and suggests reading it together etc.

I think most two year olds I know only really like being held by a handful of people.

NerrSnerr · 27/08/2024 08:05

My eldest child was like this. She was socialised fine- she went to nursery and baby groups and tolerated those but when with me she clung to me. She didn't like anyone else doing anything with her. She grew out of it gradually.

CCLCECSC · 27/08/2024 08:05

Now you are all living in the same country you should get more opportunities to be with your family, and with these come opportunities for familiarisation. Take your time, take it at the child's pace and things will change.

muddyford · 27/08/2024 08:05

I wouldn't make any effort, no attempts to talk, look at him, give him things, just let him come to you in his own time. Interact normally with his parents though.

Shitlord · 27/08/2024 08:07

I think he'll get used to you being around but not focussed on him trying to make friends as that could become more overwhelming just be there, say hello, go back to spending time with with mum and dad maybe helping them around the garden or whatever they're doing, become a familiar presence, when he's ok with that introduce playing with him, slowly move towards doing more together but at his pace

redtrain123 · 27/08/2024 08:07

I don’t think op is demanding g any rights to see the child, but just asking how to interact with Jack without him being terrified.

I think the little and often advice is good above. Take a toy he’ll like. Could be something as simple as sitting blowing bubbles and letting him watch you.

skinnyoptionsonly · 27/08/2024 08:09

Maybe you are coming over a bit intense? Understand able I guess but pp ideas of saying hi smiling and nothing else is a good starter.

Does the country they lived in have a different language/ culture/ environment? Ie like Asia or more like UK ?

He is still a baby and 2y is nothing. You've got lots of time. I can see it's frustrating though but less is more here.

AdultChildQuestion · 27/08/2024 08:10

Children are like cats. Ignore them, don't get in their face, and eventually they will realise you're not a threat and relax around you.

Good advice above to get down on the floor and start playing with something.

I recently met a friend's 18 month old grandson for the first time. We were in his company for a whole day. It took a few hours before he relaxed enough for me to be able to pick him up and that was after me being down on the floor playing baby skittles with him.

Procrastinates · 27/08/2024 08:10

You sound incredibly judgemental about a little boy who had just moved to a whole new country. You're a stranger to this child and one who is basically implying he's spent the last two years seeing nobody, doing nothing and basically never leaving his home.

I'm not sure I'd want you having a relationship with my child if you thought that his behavior was due to lack of socialisation rather than the much more likely upheaval of moving to a new country. Leave the poor lad to settle and maybe consider being less judgemental. Hmm

standardduck · 27/08/2024 08:10

I think that's pretty typical for some 2 year olds. He is still very tiny and he doesn't know you. He also just moved to a new country, new house.

My toddler is pretty well socialized (we meet friends with kids a few times a week, go to playgroups etc). But he is also anxious when he is around strangers and will cling onto me.

I would give it a time and not push him.

SensibleSigma · 27/08/2024 08:10

My mum used to terrify my niece and nephew who she only saw intermittently.

Back off. Be a regular presence without direct interaction. Check how they are about treats and snacks. If it’s ok, be the person who brings nice snacks. Or toys. But not directly- just have the nice thing on the arm of the chair ready for when he investigates. Let him ‘find’ the nice thing.

One of my relatives used to have chocolate buttons in her handbag at all times. DC would stand with his hands on her knee or arm of the chair and she’d pop one in his mouth at intervals. Win win- he got chocolate he didn’t get any other time, she got to gaze at him adoringly 🤣

InfoSecInTheCity · 27/08/2024 08:12

Regular visits, short in duration and don't push him to engage. Take along a puzzle or block toy or cars, something that you can just sit and play with by yourself but within his vision. Chat to his mum, be relaxed and have a cup of tea, let him see you there as part of the environment and unthreatening.

Let him come to you, and when he does don't have a big reaction just calmly interact at the level he is happy at.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 27/08/2024 08:14

I just scrolled back to your op to see how old he is again.
He's only 2 & you're practically a stranger to him, I think you're overthinking this as upsetting as it is.
He's still a baby who's had a lot of change in his short life.
I agree with the pp's who said take a present, speak softly, go as often as you're allowed so that he gets used to seeing you there, don't force yourself on him, sit in the room and speak softly to ds & Dil, say hello to Jack when you come in and then leave him be, I'm pretty sure he'll soon get used to you.
I'd find this upsetting too so I feel for you ❤️

Allthehorsesintheworld · 27/08/2024 08:14

Moving country is a big upheaval, his parents were probably stressed too which he’s picked up on.
Walking is the best thing. Him in his buggy, which hopefully faces pusher. You just walk alongside mum or dad chatting quietly. Don’t talk to Jack. If his parents are ok with this try it alternate days. Don’t go in the house, just walk. Then move on to stopping at the swings , park something child centred. Then try car riding with you as passenger in front, Jack in the back. Seeing you alongside his parents suggests you’re an extension of them though expect it to take time.

Myusername19 · 27/08/2024 08:15

Blueflipflops · 27/08/2024 07:53

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

At that age, it would be normal to react like that to a stranger in their home. You need to give it time and build up the relationship. You need to see him regularly once or twice a week and build up the familiarity.

Beforetheend · 27/08/2024 08:15

The only way he will relax around you is if he sees his dm is relaxed and happy around you.

But you’re judgemental and critical of her parenting decisions and even if you say nothing, they will both be able to pick that up.

There are all sorts of plausible reasons for his behaviour and an experienced, qualified psychologist couldn’t dismiss them without a significant assessment. You don’t know what his deal is. Drop the judgement.