How to manage grandchild situation

[Blueflipflops]

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

You sound a bit judgmental and kids pick up on these things.

He's had his whole life uprooted. Does he speak English?

You don't know him at all so can't possibly know it's definitely not because of some condition.

If you want to build a relationship drop the judgment and assumptions. Be consistent, around, no pressure. Talk to him but let him lead on everything. It will just take time but if you go at his pace I'm sure you can build a lovely safe relationship with him op.

Also try declarative language for a no pressure communication approach.

I think definitely keep going but keep the focus elsewhere not on what he is doing. Maybe take toys or something he will be interested in but in a very low key way. It sounds a bit bizarre. Are the parents worried?

Maybe baby steps. Could you go round and maybe try and avoid eye contact with Jack at first and interact with your DIL as she is his source of comfort. The more he sees postive interactions between you and the person he trusts most in the world, he should gradually start to associate you with happy and positive feelings, if his mum trusts you and likes you, so will he.

Has he actually not been socialised? Or are you assuming he’s not been socialised because he’s so clingy to his mum?
ime this is a totally normal (though admittedly extreme version of it) stage for children, and often mum gets the blame for allowing or ‘encouraging’ it. Since he’s had a massive upheaval clinginess seems normal. Your son is also a parent to jack and if he’s really not been socialised that’s up to them both, your post reads like you only blame mum, whilst you mention (unnecessarily) how well professionally/financially your son is doing, no note of his parenting though.

It’s likely jacks mum also senses that you are judging her parenting and jack senses that you don’t like how he’s acting and you’re uncomfortable.
i also don’t think you should ever let yourself into anyone’s house even if they’re expecting you, let alone the house of a child that you say is terrified of you.

Perhaps back off a little, say hi to him but otherwise leave him alone and build up your relationship with his mum instead, or just visit with your son, let jack come to you in his own time. If you can have a better relationship with mum she’ll likely be happier around you, which he will feel and she maybe an ally in helping you build a relationship with him.
Regardless, he is not going to cry at the sight of a stranger when he’s 25 is he, so he’s going to get over it at some point, just let him be.

Children that age often quite clingy and take time to warm up to new people, Jack has had so much change and his mum is one of the few constants.

I would really caution you against what seems to be blaming the parents (especially your dil) for this. Judgement will really damage your relationship and is the biggest threat to you spending happy time with your grandson and family.

You are very lucky and have got exactly what you hoped for - your son moving closer to you. Be supportive of him and his wife, and give your grandson as much time as he needs. You will soon be a big part of his life.

Why would you want to feed or rock another woman’s child to sleep? I do have some sympathy but not because you haven’t been able to play mummy to him.

OP, I had a falling out with my parents when my daughter was around 3mo old and they didn’t see her (their choice!) for around 18mo.

When the relationship started back up again, she was exactly as your describe your grandson being. My parents were very upset about it - and I know they blamed me; the mum. (Everyone always does!)

But, with consistent and regular interactions, they are now inseparable.

It’s really emotive and it makes you want to look for a person or thing to blame, but it won’t take long, once he starts to calm down… and he will!

As you probably remember from raising your own kids, they absorb their care giver’s emotions and then transmit them back out at a bigger volume. If you’re sensing that he is under socialised in some way, his mum is probably feeling really lonely and displaced too. Just be consistent and kind and available for them both and Jack will be tearing up your lawn by next summer.

My eldest was quite clingy and would not go to DH grandparents. They found this quite upsetting. Especially as he seemed fine with relatives on my side. However, this did not last and after a limited time he was ok and relationship was good. At two years age moving countries will be significant and he will take time to adjust. Just smile be positive in your communication style and allow him to adjust.

Your son is "doing very well for himself" but seem to suggest that he is not involved in bringing up Jack because he is so successful, and that DIL is solely responsible and has in addition made a mess of it. When you say he has not been socialised, what do you mean, do you know for fact that Jack has never been to nursery, never visited a baby group and does no baby activities? Or are you assuming?

The first step would surely be to speak to your DIL about the situation and ask what she suggests, you portray her as someone who is one dimensional and would rather get advice from strangers on the internet rather than Jack's mother. Perhaps there are real reasons to believe or suspect that she does not support a relationship with you, but these are not evident in your post. What does your son say about the situation?

Jack is 2. I know to you this doesn't seem normal but I had a pandemic baby and not much to do and not many people to meet. The baby was very selective and was crying a lot with strangers.

Give it time, don't force it, be gentle. Things will get better. The mom does need to facilitate this relationship though, it won't work otherwise.

I agree about taking a gift.
Also befriend his mother. Demonstrate affection to his mother with a hug, a smile and compliment her often.
Bring them food that his mother likes.

Do you have a small, gentle dog? He could enjoy going on walks with you and his mother.

I would also try ignoring him in the room but reading books and playing with a toy and talking to yourself out aloud. I would do that often. He might observe from afar, he might come closer or smile and start some very small socialization.

He is shy but once he is at school he could develop social skills very quickly.

I have a 2 year old. She goes to nursery. She spends time with the extended family. We've done baby/toddler groups etc. Very well socialised.

She doesn't like strangers, or sometimes even acquaintances she doesn't really know. She will cling to me or DH and hide her face. She might cry if they want to interact with her. It's pretty normal at this age.

Your grandson has just been uprooted from everything familiar to him, except his parents. You're his grandparent but in his eyes you're a stranger. You need to let him warm up to you. And you need to do that at his pace and his level.

You can't just walk into his house and expect him to be overjoyed to see you. You can't just say hi to him and expect a cuddle. Sit on the floor, read a book out loud near him. Play with his toys while chatting to his parents.

Become one of his familiar things. But at his pace.

My child is like Jack, I'd be quite annoyed if my MIL made out it was my fault for not socialising him. We go to playgroups weekly, he attends nursery and we have regular play dates with friends. He is comfortable around adults once he gets to know them.
Maybe instead of focusing on what you believe his mum has done wrong focus on what it is about your approach that makes Jack so fearful of you. Maybe you need to interact with him mum mainly gradually bringing Jack in to the conversation, respect his personal space, comment on what he is doing rather than questioning him, find out how interests and mention them to him.

The boy can sense your desperation to connect with him and it will be too overwhelming for him. Back off and give him some space. Stop trying tying to interact with him so much, if you actually ignore him a little he will warm faster to you. See them little and often and pay attention to his needs right now rather than force the instant connection. You'll get there and he will absolutely adore you with time. He will also be completely out of sorts with moving, the difference house, people, accents, smells, sounds. He just needs time, don't worry!

Just totally ignore him. Say Hi and Bye, nothing more. Act like you barely notice him unless he is showing interest in you. My cousin was like that at this age and he knew us all. Honestly, used to change his nappies and he would scream like I was a monster every time he saw us to the point where his mum would turn the buggy away do he couldn't see us. He grew out of it once he went to nursery.

He’s 2. At a guess your son has been working long hours so it’s just been Jack and mum in house. In a foreign country probably limited opportunities for socialising.
His whole world has changed it’s understandable he’s clinging to his one constant. If she disappears overnight like his old world he’s in a mess it’s survival instinct.
I’d back off. See son and wife, smile and chat and in time he’ll come to realise you are safe and a part of his new world. He’ll be your gc for ever, lots of opportunities down line once he has settled.

I do hear what some posters are saying..... that you want to be doing things with your GC .... feeding, pushing pram etc. .... that are parental jobs and not necessarily your role at all. They might be things that you are asked to do by the parents but they are not your role and you should not be "heartbroken" at not having done them.
Standing back is your role atm.
I also hear the implied criticism of your DIL. If you retain that feeling then things will never go right.

My DS was exactly like this. It had nothing to do with lack of socialisation. I took him to all the playgroups that I had done with my DD but DS would just cling to me and burry his head in my side. He wouldn’t go near my in-laws so much so that my MIL once accused me of turning him against her!

If I were you, I would not give him much attention. Don’t fuss over him, it’ll make him worse. Just pop round little and often, chat to your DS and DIL and just be a regular presence in the house and gradually he’ll come out of his shell and start trusting you.

DS is now a teen, very outgoing and gregarious and absolutely adores his grandparents.

It could be the age. My daughter was really happy to be held by anyone up until around 6 months, then she seemed to get stranger danger kick in and be terrified of people she didn't know.
Then it abated a bit around 18 months and she settled down a bit, she still only likes people she knows well but she wouldn't scream her head of just being near people she doesn't know.
So it might get easier when he's a bit older, but honestly the only way to build a relationship is to spend time with him.
My husbands family live abroad and my daughter was terrified around them but video calls helped a lot, and being very careful to only engage on her terms, so no trying to hold/hug etc Just sitting near her and reading a book to her etc to build up the comfort.
I find my daughter is more upset in an enclosed environment, so it might be easier to meet at a park or something like that?
It's really tough that its gotten to this point and gone on so long, but I think giving up will just make it harder in the long run.
Is your grandson like this around all unfamiliar people or just you/your husband?
Because my daughter definitely has a few (male) family members that she has never warmed up to. Some of it is probably personality based.
Talk with the parents, what's his favourite toys/books etc? Get down to his level, so you're non threatening, interact with the things he likes. Needs to be low pressure, no expectation. Take it really slowly, the more regularly you can visit for short periods of time to build up familiarity the better. But needs to be supported by the parents and led by them as they know their child best.
Also be careful, we had a family member spend 2 days going from my daughter crying looking at them to playing happily with them but then they tried to corner my daughter for a hug goodbye and all that relationship building was undone.

Not everyone has the finances for such travel. Or even the health. I didn't meet my grandmother till I was 12 and her family shouted her a trip.

Don't take your grandchild behaviour personally. Don't blame his parents, specially his mother. Some little kids, he's only 2 y.o., have attachment issues, it takes them longer to feel comfortable with strangers, while others will happily go with anyone giving them a smile.

Back off. Don't engage him eye to eye. Don't try to hug him o engage in physical interaction. If you can, make short, regular visits and talk with your son and DL naturally without focussing on him. By simply being around often without negative or anxious vibes from you, he'll learn to trust you.

First and most of all, you need to stop the negative vibes you are giving about your DL. She's his mom and his whole world.

First and most of all, you need to stop the negative vibes you are giving about your DL. She's his mom and his whole world.

This too. DD wouldn't go near MIL for months because she was vile to DH in front of her when she was only a few months old. They pick up on feelings and vibes much more than you'd think. Be happy, positive and loving. To all of them.

Agree with other posters - this is normal. We moved to my home town when my daughter was a simular age. She had been socialised well but was used to living with just me and my husband and we moved in temporarily with my parents - she had known my parents since she was a baby but when we moved in she went through a phase of hating being with my mum and saying "no nanny" anytime she came near. It really upset my mum who had done nothing wrong! But it didn't last and my daughter adores my mum now. I think it was just u settling for her moving.
Do as PPs have suggested - take it slowly and quietly and things will improve

For 2 year old, I think it's normal. It just takes time.

The one thing that jumps out at me is your criticisms of dil and the way she raises their child.

I hope you're not like that to them.
Because no wonder they have their guard up.