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Original poster

How to manage grandchild situation

199 replies

Blueflipflops · 27/08/2024 07:53

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

OP posts:
whykeepchanging · 27/08/2024 08:39

As the proud owner of a 2 year old, this behaviour isn't what id expect... of course loads of kids are shy around that age or get overwhelmed/ clingy, but 'terrified' is not normal around strangers. The move may have changed their daily routine, making them unsettled but at that age they are quite resilient.

Does Jack act the same around others? Is it just adults? Or children?

Hopefully he settles soon and you can start building a relationship with him. It sounds like it might take time. Just be patient, take toys etc. I think sending photos/ videos would be good so he gets to know you. Or maybe a fun day out as a big family, making memories

AutismProf · 27/08/2024 08:40

Assuming that at some point you want to have a relationship, you go little and often.
Is Jack verbal with family? And understands language?
Assuming he is and does, this would be my advice (first clear this with parents).

Visit often, for short periods of about 30 min.
Take a small item such as a little bag of haribo or a small toy.
When you arrive - don't expect interaction. However, do interact briefly. Once he is at Mum's side, say "hello Jack, wow what a smart pair of trainers! Anyway Jane, I just popped over for a cuppa and a catch up. I brought these little sweets for Jack, too".
Then chatter away to Mum. Neither deliberately ignore Jack nor directly interact with him.

Now this bit is very important. Once Jack feels marginally more comfortable in your presence, he may begin to speak in your hearing or talk to Mum or Dad. Do not make a fuss. Do not say things like "Are you going to talk to Granny one day?". Just act as if his lack of interaction isn't and has never bothered you.

Once he is chatting away you can make comments about his activities. No questions. Just say things like "Wow you are strong giving mummy a tight cuddle!" Or "The blue car is my favourite one, I like the colour". These statements give Jack a window to respond back to you without setting up an expectation. It is also vital that parents don't set up and expectation by saying something like "granny is very sad when you don't talk to her I want you to try very hard to give her a cuddle today". He needs to learn that you are not a threat but that you are a benign presence who has positive impact, not that you are going to be sad/disappointed in him/ upset if he can't perform.

Finally, if and when he does eventually interact, you don't make a song and dance about it. You just carry on casually as if it was always this way. Example "Jack I think your kitten toy is very cute. I wonder if it has a name?" Jack: "it's Miffy". You: "Miffy? That's a lovely name. She looks very soft".

The mistake sensitive people like you make, where they sense a child's discomfort, is to back right off. This just perpetuates the problem. The mistake upset people make is to try to force the issue, and that overwhelms both the child and the parent and also risks perpetuating the problem.

Try not to blame anyone either. No one has deliberately chosen this. It has arisen from circumstances.

Little, often, low key, offer friendly speech in short doses; don't expect interaction back, and if you get it (which you will one day, if you do this), don't over-react to interaction.

Good luck.

longdistanceclaraclara · 27/08/2024 08:41

What does him doing well with himself and earning good money have to do with anything?!

As everyone else said. He's 2, it sounds like you are trying to blame your dil for something.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Kellymama · 27/08/2024 08:41

You preserve to try and build a relationship with him but start small. You see them as often as they allow and you let the child come to you not the other way around.
I don't see a problem with him wanting his mother , that shows she's done an excellent job and that he feels safe with her.
After all , in little ones eyes, you are strangers.

MaxandMoritz · 27/08/2024 08:43

I agree with those pointing out that you should not knock and enter the house, whether they were expecting you or not.

You will have to let relationships with your grandson and your daughter-in-law develop very slowly and gently, a little at a time.

dottiedodah · 27/08/2024 08:43

He probably need time to adjust,hes only 2 so plenty if time to get to know him.He may be naturally shy ,or have some sort of undiagnosed problem ,you dont know yet .Even a qualified child psychologist would need to spend time and do Assessments with him .As others have said take it slow and dont worry he will come to you when hes ready!

TheaBrandt · 27/08/2024 08:44

My lovely aunt the first time she met Dd after a while didn’t look at her and quietly sat and played with a toy. Eventually Dd toddled over and played alongside with her too
then they interacted. Was so amazing to watch. It gives the power back to the child.

Thiswayforward · 27/08/2024 08:44

My child could be a bit like this and later on was diagnosed with autism. He has been through a huge change, moving house and country. I’d back off a bit. Don’t look after him without his parents there yet. Just take little steps. Maybe out of the house at first. Let him come to you.

PrincessPeache · 27/08/2024 08:44

Stop judging the parenting of this child,
it sounds like completely normal behaviour for that age especially since they’ve just moved country!

I had similar with my niece who just seemed really scared of me all the time from about 1 year old. I never forced it, would always say hello when I saw her and then would usually sit on the floor playing with one of her toys. After about an hour she would feel brave enough to come join in but I’d have to re-do this every time for about 6 months. I always followed her cues and went at her pace. She’s now 2.5 and we are best buds. Give it time OP.

Beepbeepoutoftheway · 27/08/2024 08:45

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

If that's the case, parents shouldn't expect grandparents to 'step up' and look after their children which is what's often expected.

LBFseBrom · 27/08/2024 08:45

It is not at all unusual for two year olds to be scared of adults they do not know, I have often come across it.

Don't worry, it doesn't last.

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 27/08/2024 08:45

I'd try meeting up outside. Walk along beside his mum or dad while they're pushing the pushchair, talking to them not non-stop but just enough that he gets more used to the sound of your voice while he's contained and "safe." Go somewhere where he can run about, and just let him run about. You wait with Mum or Dad in the place where he comes back to. He might be more relaxed around you where there's more space. I agree with all the others who say it will just take time, but it might take less time if he doesn't feel trapped.

AlcoholicDad82 · 27/08/2024 08:46

He’s 2 and you’re psychoanalysing him like he’s a teenager able to vocalise his emotions.

At a very young age his life has completely changed, he’ll probably be overwhelmed, the one ‘constant’ is his mum. He can’t suddenly invent love for someone he doesn’t know.

The best way to show a connection to the family is for your to talk to your son and DIL as normal as possible around Jack. Give Jack a chance to see you as part of their lives and over time he’ll get to know you.

Beth216 · 27/08/2024 08:46

At 2 the most important thing is he has a strong attachment to his main carer. He hasn't been isolated - unless you mean they've shut him up alone in his room - he's been around his mum and dad and I assume they leave the house sometimes?
He doesn't know you and has just arrived in a completely new country. You just need to be around him for a while so he can get used to you. Like a pp said play with some toys nearby to him and let him watch what you're doing. I'm not sure you know what's normal for a child or how to interact with one that is shy and feeling anxious, that on you not DIL.

NameChangedJuly · 27/08/2024 08:47

Don’t keep your distance. Assuming they are happy to do so, spend time with them as regularly as possible, join them on trips to parks, walks etc, give him gifts (via parents but so he can see they are from you) and he should eventually come round and warm to you if you are correct about the reasoning for his behaviour which there is a good chance you are.

Butwhybecause · 27/08/2024 08:48

Hard though it may seem, you are strangers to him and he has had an enormous upheaval in his little life. His Mum is his security at two.

Some sensible posts on here. Just take it very slowly, acknowledge him when you visit but then chat to his parents and don't try to interact with him.

He'll slowly get used to you if you see them regularly and one day he might communicate in some way eg bring you a toy to show you. Don't expect hugs or to be able to pick him up for a while, take it at his pace, not yours.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 27/08/2024 08:48

muddyford · 27/08/2024 08:05

I wouldn't make any effort, no attempts to talk, look at him, give him things, just let him come to you in his own time. Interact normally with his parents though.

This. Just behave normally around him but don’t make him the focus of your (and everyone else’s) attention or try to interact with him. Let him go to his mum, cry, settle, and carry on having your chat, tea, whatever. Sooner or later he’ll go back to playing whilst you’re in the room; eventually he’ll almost certainly come to you of his own accord, once he’s used to being around you. Little and often, don’t put pressure and expectations on your time with him and your DIL, don’t bring gifts that force him to interact with you, just be gentle and consistent.

At 2 he’s still a baby, one whose whole life has been uprooted. Give him time. Oh, and stop blaming your DIL’s parenting for what you’ve assumed is a ‘problem’ with his perfectly natural behaviour. Your judgement and disapproval really won’t improve your relationship with either of them.

TuVuoiFaLamericano · 27/08/2024 08:49

My eldest didn't like mil for the first few years of his life. I distinctly remember him around 18 months old seeing her turn up at the door and shaking his head, his sad face appearing and despairingly saying "oh no no taaa". He wouldn't let her touch him.
Now he's 4 and they have a great relationship. I had to tell mil to just back off, stop trying to touch him, give him time. He was a COVID baby though so maybe that had something to do with it. Though he still isn't a fan of people touching him apart from DH and myself.
She tried to force it so much and it made DS quite stressed.
When she backed off and listened to me/ds's body language, it slowly changed. You would never have thought that he acted like that now.
I'm not saying you're doing what mil did, just wanted to say that hopefully in a few years, it'll turn itself around.

Goldbar · 27/08/2024 08:49

AutismProf · 27/08/2024 08:40

Assuming that at some point you want to have a relationship, you go little and often.
Is Jack verbal with family? And understands language?
Assuming he is and does, this would be my advice (first clear this with parents).

Visit often, for short periods of about 30 min.
Take a small item such as a little bag of haribo or a small toy.
When you arrive - don't expect interaction. However, do interact briefly. Once he is at Mum's side, say "hello Jack, wow what a smart pair of trainers! Anyway Jane, I just popped over for a cuppa and a catch up. I brought these little sweets for Jack, too".
Then chatter away to Mum. Neither deliberately ignore Jack nor directly interact with him.

Now this bit is very important. Once Jack feels marginally more comfortable in your presence, he may begin to speak in your hearing or talk to Mum or Dad. Do not make a fuss. Do not say things like "Are you going to talk to Granny one day?". Just act as if his lack of interaction isn't and has never bothered you.

Once he is chatting away you can make comments about his activities. No questions. Just say things like "Wow you are strong giving mummy a tight cuddle!" Or "The blue car is my favourite one, I like the colour". These statements give Jack a window to respond back to you without setting up an expectation. It is also vital that parents don't set up and expectation by saying something like "granny is very sad when you don't talk to her I want you to try very hard to give her a cuddle today". He needs to learn that you are not a threat but that you are a benign presence who has positive impact, not that you are going to be sad/disappointed in him/ upset if he can't perform.

Finally, if and when he does eventually interact, you don't make a song and dance about it. You just carry on casually as if it was always this way. Example "Jack I think your kitten toy is very cute. I wonder if it has a name?" Jack: "it's Miffy". You: "Miffy? That's a lovely name. She looks very soft".

The mistake sensitive people like you make, where they sense a child's discomfort, is to back right off. This just perpetuates the problem. The mistake upset people make is to try to force the issue, and that overwhelms both the child and the parent and also risks perpetuating the problem.

Try not to blame anyone either. No one has deliberately chosen this. It has arisen from circumstances.

Little, often, low key, offer friendly speech in short doses; don't expect interaction back, and if you get it (which you will one day, if you do this), don't over-react to interaction.

Good luck.

Edited

I agree with this. It's not about how you're feeling, it's about how Jack is feeling. This may feel harsh, but at 2 he has near to no ability to consider and be mindful of the feelings of others and only a very limited ability to recognise his own feelings and vocalise/regulate them in an appropriate way. Whereas you as an adult do hopefully have these skills and the ability to adjust your behaviour to promote Jack interacting with you in a positive way.

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/08/2024 08:50

I would build a relationship with his mum first. Can you help with some household tasks and give her a break when you visit? If you are busy It might be more interesting for a toddler than sitting around. It can be really overwhelming when mil visits or she might really appreciate the socialising if she is shy. Make sure she is happy with your visits

Could she join a class and you could babysit? Is she too shy to join a toddler group? If so you could go with them for moral support

Make sure you don't try and take over or undermine her. It will be very difficult if you live close if she doesn't know what to say to ask you to back off a bit

Also do you have a very loud voice that could be scary for both of them?

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 27/08/2024 08:50

Im not sure why you want to manage anything, he's not your child.

Kids are scred of many things just because, and they often grow out of it. I was petrified of an uncle for years when I was a child, to this day I have no clue why, but whenever he was coming I would hide behind furniture.

You seem to be criticising the mother for not 'socialising' him, but you really need to keep your beak out of their parenting, and your attitude is probably very much visible to your son and his wife.

rotte · 27/08/2024 08:52

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

This is just classic MN isn't it.

What is wrong with you ?

The woman is just looking for some suggestions on how to make this easier.

Tulipsareredvioletsarebue · 27/08/2024 08:52

whykeepchanging · 27/08/2024 08:39

As the proud owner of a 2 year old, this behaviour isn't what id expect... of course loads of kids are shy around that age or get overwhelmed/ clingy, but 'terrified' is not normal around strangers. The move may have changed their daily routine, making them unsettled but at that age they are quite resilient.

Does Jack act the same around others? Is it just adults? Or children?

Hopefully he settles soon and you can start building a relationship with him. It sounds like it might take time. Just be patient, take toys etc. I think sending photos/ videos would be good so he gets to know you. Or maybe a fun day out as a big family, making memories

So, you have one child and you know what is typical for all children around the world based on your ample experience?

ThePrologue · 27/08/2024 08:53

Have you talked to your son (alone) about this behaviour? The poor child seems fixated on its mother, which is not healthy or normal whether DGP are there or not
And to those of you being quite snippy with @Blueflipflops - why? she is only outlining the child's behaviour and how much she longs to interact with him like a normal child. She hasn't said or done anything to upset the child or its mother, so no need for nastiness

TwinklyNight · 27/08/2024 08:53

He will get used to you in time. Bring small gifts, like a lolly or tiny stuffed animals when you visit?

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