How to manage grandchild situation

[Blueflipflops]

My son is doing very well for himself, he is married and has lived abroad with his wife for the last 5 years earning good money. He has a son who is 2 , let’s call him Jack. As they lived abroad, Jack doesn't really know us.

My son, his wife and Jack have recently returned to the Uk and he lives close by. I was so happy that they were returning and I was now able to get to know Jack.

Jack has had one main care giver, his mum. From my observations, Jack hasn’t had many interactions with any other humans. He hasn’t been socialised at all and is always by his mums side or on her hip. He will always choose his mum over his dad in getting his needs met.

Now, getting to the point….
Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.
It’s absolutely heart breaking that Jack is so fearful of us.

I don’t believe these behaviours are due to an undiagnosed condition, I think it’s because he has been isolated and lack of socialisation.

Yesterday, I had to drop an item off at my sons, I knocked and let myself in as they were expecting me. Jack took one look at me, ran to his mum and started to tremble and cry.

In 2 years, I have never held him, picked him up, fed him, played with him, sang to him, rocked him to sleep, pushed his pram. It’s heartbreaking, I don’t know the best way forward. It has now come to the point where I dread seeing him as it’s so awful for everyone involved. No one knows what to do to make things better.

Do I keep my distance so he is not further traumatised by my visiting or do I persevere in trying to build a relationship?

In the overall point, I agree and sympathise with you, OP.

I think though that you may need to practice a bit of acceptance and try to moderate a bit in his company - you say, for example, that you've never rocked your grandchild to sleep, which is probably unlikely at this point and it's just a stage you've missed from having lived in different countries. It would be unusual to suddenly foster that or expect to with a two year old, especially when their primary carer is present.

Maybe have a discussion with your DIL about an agreed stage you'd like to get to - rather than framed as taking the child on their own or trying to make the child more independent (which mum might find critical or perhaps threatening to their bond - mum might have found it hard to socialise her child and to raise her child in another country and have become understandably a bit overanxious if her world shrank during that time) I'd frame it as just wanting the child to be comfortable around you when you and their parents are there, so that you can have a family meal etc. That's one that is in everyone's interests.

Maybe you can agree on some toys to bring that child doesn't have to play with you straight away, but which mum will praise and be very positive about in your presence and afterwards. Or some favourite fruit or whatever. Baby steps to show that you understand where your toddler child is at.

My parents didn't really see much of my youngest until he was 18 months as they live abroad and he was a pandemic baby. They have a very good relationship with him now, at nearly 4. If I were you, I'd try not to panic about what you've lost and the future relationship because that panic might make you a bit fuller on than you intend and others might pick up on that (child and mother). Try to help mum, for now, and have faith that a relationship will grow.

I remember when my godchild first moved to the UK age 2 he was scared of grass, they had lived in a city and he had never played on grass in his first country due to snakes and just how hot it was, they stayed inside in air conditioning.
It took him a year to fully settle I'd say. Just giving an example of how different it can feel for children who have moved countries for perspective.
You sound lovely and rightly excited, it must have been hard and now feel frustrating. Just do as above and give it time, it will get easier.
Offer to help your sons family in any way they will accept too, that you would feel comfortable with. E.g. once a week come over for a cuppa and bring the evening meal? Babysitting once jack is in bed?

Jack is absolutely terrified of us. He cries, physically trembles, clings onto his mum petrified that she is going to put him down. He is hyper alert watching our every move. He won’t come any where near us. I would go to say that he presents as being traumatised when in our company.

Thats totally abnormal. Totally.

Also try reframjng your mindset, instead of listing all the things you haven't got to do together yet, every time you start thinking that stop and make yourself think of all the things you WILL get to do now. E.g. I will get to see him more now, I will get to take him to the playground in a year etc.

My 2 year old was exactly like this. She grew out of it by 3.

she always did much better with the relatives that ignored her, than those who pestered her.

now we can’t shut her up and she’ll talk to anyone and be everyone’s best friend!

I agree with the "children are like cats" comment. Young children don't like people who are too full on with them.

Take a new toy, don't offer it to him but sit on the floor and play with it yourself. Don't talk to him or acknowledge him at all. Curiousity usually gets the better of them. Essentially behave like another toddler - parallel play - without the bashing other kids around the head when they try to take your toys 😂. At least until he knows you better.

Another tactic is to eat a treat, like an ice cream or biscuit, in front of them and if you see them staring, very casually offer them a bit.

Thank you for all the responses, taking all comments on board.

They lived in an English speaking country.

It isn't. He's just showing quite an extreme example of a normal behaviour at that age and in those circs

He is 2! As upsetting as this is, it may be worth being a bit more relaxed. If you come across as needy, the child may sense that. Spend time with them, focussing more on your son and daughter-in-law, and he might warm up to you. Also, your post comes over as a bit judgemental in areas, which is never a good way forward.

He's a toddler, he doesn't know you and his whole world has just been turned upside down. Give it time. Little and often.

How do his parents react when seeing you? Do they smile and hug you, warm greetings? I would think he'd follow their example.

I moved countries multiple time with an incredibly shy toddler and disagree with everyone saying its normal. Trembling and terrified is not normal at all. Toddler wouldn't care about new country if they had a stable secure base with their primary carer. Even if shy around strangers.

I'd discuss with his parents. How often are you welcome? I'd try little and often to become a familiar face.

I was like that as a child, grew out of it and loved my grandma so much. If you want this to work, stop blaming your DIL or you’ll ruin the relationship.

Try not to be judgy about your dil, as that's the undertone I'm getting. You don't know what her struggles were overseas.
My dc were very well socialised, but both were very attached to me when they were small. My ds used to live abroad and her dc always took a while to warm to us on visits, my mum managed it by not being too intense and letting the gc come to here naturally. My ds's mil however was intense, wanted the instant relationship and everyone would get upset, her, my ds and especially the dc.

I think for now just focus on him being comfortable in your presence and then you can work out some non-threatening (to him, obviously!) ways to interact with Jack, with him initiating the interaction. My experience is that toddlers like to copy - if they see you doing something (drawing with chalks, kicking a ball, playing with cars), they like to do the same. Outgoing toddlers might get stuck in straightaway (one of mine would have), but shyer or more reserved one might take longer to take the plunge (my second toddler will sit on my knee and stay close to me to evaluate a situation before making a move).

How incredibly upsetting. I'm so sorry.

I'd speak to the parents - you're desperately sad that your lovely grandson seems terrified of you. Agree a plan together.

Suggest:
You come for a brief cup of tea a couple of times a week. During which time you just sit calmly and chat and drink your tea and then you go. Don't engage with him other than to smile benignly at him. He'll gradually realise that you're 'safe' and things will grow from there. The odd little gift - a little toy from a charity shop - will help to sweeten things.

I'm so sorry. This must be awful for you.

Let me get this straight.... He's 2...He's moved to a different country... You know he's shy and yet
You turn up at his house and walk straight in. A practical stranger letting himself into his home.
And you wonder why he shook with fear?
Are you blundering into every social situation like this. Barging up to him, no thought for his feelings, respect for his boundaries. Just utter disrespect for his mum and a determined attitude that Jack will meet your requirements.
He's your grandchild, you are supposed to love him. He gets to make his own mind up about you.
And kids feed off negative energy. Your son is probably doing so well because of the love and support of his wife. So up your game and stop barging into their home.

Talk about the first cut is the deepest! 🙄

if only life were so simple eh?

This is common in 2 year olds. DS2 was very fearful of people he didn’t know despite being well socialized.
He would hide under the table until he was 5/6 and was not comfortable with visitors until he was at least 7. After about 30 mins of watching people ( who could include family members ) he would come out and quietly join in. He was much better with those who came frequently and didn’t push to engage.

What has your son’s role been in parenting, socialising, it’s not all down to DIL?

Can you meet up at local park, library, soft play etc so little one can play whilst you talk to parents and they get more used to you being around?

DH's grandson is now 4.5 and going to school next week. I have always adopted the tactic of not imposing myself on him. The result? A child who completely ignores me, which is equally difficult to handle.

I think you are being quite judgemental to say that Jacks behaviours and shyness is down to parenting. (and it's actually quite a rude statement to make given they sound like good parents)
Did you video call Jack when they lived abroad?
My child is the same age and they also don't like anyone coming into the house unless it's very close family, it's natural for children to react that way, their home is their safe space and due to his age his mum has probably been his comfort in every other situation up until now hence why he goes to her.
I think you need to get on Jacks level a little bit more, get down on the floor to his height, pick up things he's interested in, say action words to get his attention such as "wow look at the dinosaur" etc.
it doesn't sound like it's anyone's fault, just more effort required

I can fully understand why you're upset OP, anyone would be in your position.
I am sure things will improve and would say just take it very slowly. Lots of good advice has already been given. I'd say see if you can go with your DIL and grandson to somewhere fun like the park or soft play and just be there with them initially. He needs to slowly get used to you being around and it might be easier like this thanseeing him at their home.

I also agree that it’s not so unusual. If OP tried to hug him and hold him at the very first meeting depending on the context it could come to him as separating from his mum so now he’s scared and watching just in case. Also if OP and her DH comes together and they are generally more loud/ have very different kind of voice than Jack’s parents it might come as a threat for Jack.
I also agree with cat comments. I never had problems with small children in my life but my general strategy is always smile and keep distance ( because to be honest I’m not a big fan of small children) and to bring treats (because I was brought up that its a polite thing to do). I never want to hold them or hug them or to have any sort of physical contact. So little buggers always approach me and initiate contact. I never met a child yet who was scared of me.

He’s just went through a massive upheaval. On top of that 2 year olds can be notoriously clingy. You seem judgemental about his mother, perhaps he picks up on that.

A couple of things really stand out to me here:

1. you’re completely judgmental of your DIL and her parenting, and put his behaviour down to not being socialised. I suspect your DIL is fully aware of your judgement and isn’t particularly warm to the idea of getting closer to you or doing much about the Jack situation while she feels on the defense.

2. you let yourself into her house when she’s only recently moved back. I know she was expecting you, but you still knock and wait to be let in unless you’ve been given an explicit invitation to just let yourself in. Mainly because it’s not respectful to act this way towards another adult woman’s home (but yes Jack was freaked out by a virtual stranger just walking in to his new environment). This kind if proprietorial behaviour of MILs over what they only see as their son’s home/child is what kills a lot of MIL/DIL relationships.

Back off and ask her for her advice on how you can build a trusting relationship with Jack. He’s probably just shy and unsettled and your judgment of your DIL is really unfair. You have no idea why he’s reacting like that.